This is for Marian. Locksley

Observations of a Private Conversation by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr. Owen Harper

Observed: On a Thursday

Specimens: Captain Jack Harkness, Mr Ianto Jones, Dr Owen Harper

Report commences:

I needed to ask the Captain something, so I went up to his office. Just outside the door, I realized that he was talking to someone—the Teaboy in fact—and I stopped, eager to hear what they were discussing. I heard the following conversation:

IJ: this is the stupidest idea ever. I shouldn't have agreed to this.

CJH: Ianto, please. I need this!

(silence)

IJ: No, wait! It's too big—it'll never fit!

CJH: Don't worry, it will. I've had experience.

(silence)

IJ: Ow, ow, ow! Take it out, quickly!

CJH: I could've sworn it would fit…

IJ: Let's try again. Push it in.

CJH: Like this?

IJ: Yeah, just like that, but faster.

By that time, I was practically hyperventilating. I quickly turned and tried to walk away, hoping no one would notice me. Just my luck—almost immediately, the door swung open, and the Captain called out to me. "Hey, Owen! Can you come in?"

That was exactly the last thing I wanted to do, but I found myself turning and following the Captain into his office. The Captain led me to a corner, where the Teaboy was standing, clutching his hand, with a half-assembled shelf on the floor by his feet.

"What happened here?" I asked cautiously, hoping that I wouldn't receive a graphic account of a sex session.

"Oh, it's a long story. Basically, I decided I needed some more shelves so I bought some, and convinced Ianto to help me put them together, because those instructions are insanely hard! And I tried to screw in a screw but Ianto said the screwdriver was too big and when I was trying to screw it, I accidentally poked Ianto's hand. And it's bleeding, so could you check it?"

I heaved a silent sigh of relief and nodded.

The Teaboy's scratch wasn't serious, just a slight cut. I stuck on a band-aid on him and pronounced him fit for duty. Jack grinned, thanked me, and sent me on my way, a little too eagerly.

The Captain's a terrible liar, and I could tell that what they were doing in there wasn't assembling a shelf. At least, I don't think so.

It took me a ridiculously long time to write this. Oh well. I hope you like it!

Please review!