Blimey, it's been a while. Sorry everyone, and my gratitude to all who are still reading this!

This utterly adorable idea belongs to Marian Locksley. The only thing I did was write it.

Observations of a Cutter by the darkness revealed

Report written by: Dr Owen Harper

Observed: June 20th

Specimens: Ianto Jones

Report commences:

Well, the time has come once again for the annual team checkup. I'm actually supposed to do them at least twice a year, but I do them only once. Oh, c'mon, do you think I actually enjoy looking at my partially naked colleagues? The Captain always turns it into a fashion show and starts strutting around in his boxers…once, I had to threaten him to stop him from going completely naked…That's one thing I don't want to see ever.

Anyways…I checked over Tosh, Gwen, and the Captain. They were all perfectly fine, although Gwen might've been overdoing it with the biscuits. Then I got to the Teaboy. He was in the same condition as he had been the last time I checked him over—a little underweight with trouble sleeping, but otherwise in good shape—until I got to his wrists. They had some half-healed marks on them, and I couldn't help but get worried.

I didn't say anything, though…the Teaboy wasn't in such a good mood that day, maybe because of the way Gwen was drooling over the Captain, and I didn't want to get on his bad side. Seriously. He can get really scary when you annoy him.

But as I lay in bed that night, I couldn't stop thinking about those marks. There was every possibility that the Teaboy could be cutting…I mean, that guy has been through a lot.

Ok…it's past 2:00 in the morning, and I still can't sleep! Those marks are haunting me! Stupid Teaboy…always making trouble, even when he doesn't mean to.

I've decided to ask him about it when I get to work today. And no, I'm not doing it because I care about him and his stupid messed-up life. I just want to get some sleep.

It's just after 10:00 in the morning, and I'm about to go over to the Teaboy. Wish me luck!

Oh my frickin' gosh! I'm so embarrassed…

Here's what happened: I asked him if he was cutting. I stared at him, looking utterly serious and concerned as a good doctor should be and then he started laughing!

He asked where on earth I had gotten that idea from and I told him about the marks on his wrists. In fact, I grabbed his wrist and pointed out the marks, still looking utterly serious and concerned.

And then I was all like, "I can get you help, you know, you don't have to deal with this on your own," and other sentimental rubbish like that. And then he started laughing again. He was literally bent over, crying with laughter.

After five minutes of that, I seriously started to get pissed. I asked him why he was laughing (I may also have sworn a bit, too) and he said that—

Oh, I'm so embarrassed!

He said that the marks were from handcuffs! He and Jack had been having some late-night fun which involved handcuffs and the marks were still healing.

I'm now both disgusted and embarrassed. What I wouldn't give to have the Rift swallow me up right now.

I don't think I'll ever be able to show my face in here again!

School is over! Yay! I have more time to write! On the minus side, it is absurdly hot here in Canada, AND I have a cold. Life is so unfair.

I hope you enjoyed it! Thank you, Marian Locksley for your amazing idea!

Please review!