I'm backkkkkkkkkk (:

Chapter Five

Stephanie

There are ten reasons why this day went from bad to worse to terrible.

After it came upon agreement that Ranger would be following us and I was stuck with Lula (until she was fed) and Diesel (until he caught his unmentionable or when the end of the month came, whichever came first) we all drove to the residence of Tubby Florence, the FTA I had been intending to capture. Turned out Tubby was not in. And his mother, whom he lived with (Yes, he was a fifty five year old man who lived in his mother's blue and white trailer park) told me that he wouldn't be back until late.

He was working, she insisted, but if I had known that he skipped bail, I would have turned him in my self. Obviously, Ms. Florence had no tolerance for criminal activities. Whether her son was involved or not. Which was a tad bit strange to me, for every other parent I had encountered did not try to help bring their child to justice. I was glad she was the exception.

I asked for his place of work and she gave no hesitation in handing out the information.

Tubby Florence worked as a bartender at Royal Tavern. He should be on shift at this moment, she had assured. So we all set out for it.

Turns out, it was a special kind of night at Royal Tavern.

Cross dresser night.

Our party was an entourage of weird. An over weight black woman with skin tight leopard pants and a shimmering green top with bleached blond hair. A tall, buff, blond guy with ripped jeans and a faded T-shirt. Mysterious looking, dark skinned male with long, silky hair pulled into a ponytail. Combat boots, black clothes, uneasy expression. And then me, a skinny, white, brown haired, blue eyed woman from the burg.

We fit right in.

"Holy shit." Lula breathed. "These ladies are UGGGG-LEEE." She turned to me with wide eyes and said she'd be right back, that she had to go pee and walked off into the crowds.

All around us, men (or should I say, ladies) flounced around us. Singing, dancing, laughing. Drunk, obviously. Diesel looked about ready to throw up and Ranger avoided all eye contact with anyone who looked even remotely trans-gender. I smiled. It was amusing to see the two of them uncomfortable for once.

"I'm going to go check the bar for Florence." I yelled at them over the loud music booming from the speakers. "Which one of you strong men are going to assist me?"

Diesel gave me a pained look and Ranger muttered something under his breath before glancing down. I picked Diesel to go with me. More so because Ranger looked like he was about to blow a casket and we kinda needed to keep our cool in this crowd less we wanted to cause a riot. I told the man in black we'd be right back and to be on guard for backup but he only grumbled something unintelligible. He seemed to be in a bad mood and, even though I wanted to comfort him, I dint. For one, I didn't know how to deal with Ranger when he was like that. I had never experienced it before. It made me confused and unsure of myself around him. Like everything I said was a land mine that could explode his temper and send him rearing. I'd have to face him eventually, of course, but it wouldn't be right now in a bar full of transvestites.

"Will you be okay?" I asked the dark man who glowered down at the floor. I didn't want him to think I was abandoning him and I wasn't sure if he would feel okay by himself around a group of people who obviously made him nervous.

He sent me a harsh look I was so unaccustomed to, I flinched. "I think I can handle myself."

With a huff that I made sure he heard, I took Diesel by the hand and led him across the bar to the table. I had only been trying to help. Sure, he was not in his right mind but that didn't mean he had to be a jackass.

"Give him some time." I heard Diesel say into my ear. "He's trying to figure himself out again."

I thought about telling Diesel to shut his trap, to say he had no right to delve into Ranger's emotions, to blame him for turning the man into something he was not but I didn't. I just let go of his hand and led the way to Florence, who I could see standing behind the bar, mixing a drink.

0o0o0oo

Diesel

Reason Number One: I got attacked by a mob of crazy men dressed as women.

I saw him. Standing right there, right before my eyes, taking a drink from the bartender, the FTA that Stephanie was going after, and I froze up. I stopped dead in my tracks and just stared. I hadn't expected to see him here, at this moment, so soon. It was obvious, however, after I thought about it, that he would be at the bar on this night. I couldn't believe I hadn't thought about searching for him as soon as I walked in the door.

After all, he was the proudest, most obnoxious cross dresser I knew.

"Stephanie, it's Gregory." I whispered to her. She was all hands-on-hips-Jersey-style mad because of Ranger's pissy attitude and didn't hear me at first so I tried again. "Steph, my unmentionable is standing at the bar."

That got her attention. Her eyes swerved to take Greg Madison in and she gulped. That was understandable. Standing at an imposing, six foot seven, he was the largest male (women?) in this place. He wore a tight, tight, tight pink skirt and a sequined top that sparkled and glittered and showed off his hairy stomach. The pink wig over his head couldn't hide his wild brown hair underneath.

"What is he doing here? Hiding?" She asked.

I laughed. "No."

Her eyes locked onto mine in confusion and it finally dawned on her. "Your unmentionable is a transvestite."

"Bingo." I took her by the shoulders. "I'm going to try and sneak up on him. You go after the bartender. If all goes right today, we'll be bringing in two men-er..people."

If all goes right. Hah.

The pandemonium started the moment Greg caught sight of me. I barely got a chance to take a step before he took off. I started after him instantly, pushing people out of my way and gaining a few glares and colorful words. I thought I could hear Stephanie behind me, screaming something, but there was too much music, too many voices. Greg was at the back door in minutes and I was on top of him, grabbing, reaching, diving. He was not getting away this time.

By now, the whole bar had turned its attention to us. And they were not happy. Turns out that cross dressers were fiercely loyal.

"Hey! You get your hands off her!"

That was the last thing I heard before I was rushed and taken to the ground.

0o0o0oo

Lula

Reason number two: Crazy muthafuckers ripped my weave out!

I was coming from the bathroom, right? Just waltzing on out, minding my own damn business and, all of a sudden, I was freaking trampled. When I collected myself, I turned to see that something huge was happening towards the back of the bar and I wasted no time in running to see. I couldn't see Ranger or Stephanie or Diesel anywhere and the first thing I figured was that the white girl was the reason behind this. She always was. It was one of the reasons why I liked her.

I pushed through the crowd to see Diesel getting his ass beat by a bunch of men in heels. Talk about surprising. Mr. Genie was the cause of trouble. So like any good friend, I hopped in. Ya know, tried to get the fools off of him.

And they turned on me!

Crazy, right! All of a sudden, I was behind hit and bolted with wigs and heels and I heard a loud RIPPPPPP and my weave came right out.

Well, lets just say I wasn't too happy.

I saw red. I saw murder. I started swinging, I started kicking. I heard cries of pain and alarm and a siren in the distance and Diesel screaming something and then Stephanie flashed by and Ranger was rushing by.

Then my eyes started to burn painfully and I fell down on the floor, clutching at them.

Reason number three: I fucking got maced!

0o0o0oo

Stephanie

Reason number four : I got kidnapped.

In the span of a few minutes, Diesel had gotten trapped and beaten by cross dressers and Lula was being mutilated.

I had tried to get in and help but it was no use. I was useless and small and virtually powerless. I could hear sirens and breathed in relief. Some one had called the police. They would help.

For the time being, I could prove useful in another way.

I had seen Greg Madison, Diesel's unmentionable, slip out the back door when the craziness had started so I went after him. I thought it was good news that no one had been paying attention to us.

It turned out to be bad.

Because as soon as I stepped into the alley way outside of the bar, a hand clamped over my mouth and a knife came to my throat. Panic wrestled against calm in my brain and I smelled foul breath.

"You're with that asshole, Diesel, right?"

I shook my head no viciously.

"Liar!" Greg accused, his eyes wild. He grabbed me by my neck and pushed me ahead of him. "He'll want you back. I'll arrange a trade. Then he'll leave me alone. It's a perfect plan." He muttered to himself. I dared a glance backwards. His skirt had been ripped and was sliding off. Under it, his white pantyhose gleamed. Lip stick was smeared on his cheek and his wig was lop sided. His appearance did nothing for my emotions. He was so much taller than me, so much stronger, so much more insane. I felt myself getting hysterical. No one knew I was out here!

"Come on." He pulled me by my hair and made his way to the parking lot. His eyes scanned the perimeter and he smirked at a dark, sleek vehicle.

Ranger's car.

"Perfect." He purred. I almost laughed. There was no way he was getting in that without raising the alarm. I felt relief flood back into my system. He would try to get in and the car would go off and Ranger would race out and rescue me. After, we'd all go home and have doughnuts and Ranger would propose and all would be well.

Then Greg did something equally terrifying and amazing.

He opened the door.

No alarm, no difficulty, no nothing. I knew Ranger well enough to know that he would never, EVER, leave his immaculate Porsche sitting here without some kind of security system.

I didn't have time to think it however because suddenly I was being tossed in the back and the car was starting and I felt something hard hit my head and I was out.

0o0o0o

Ranger

Reason number five: I got ran over. BY MY OWN CAR.

Stephanie had been mad at me when I shrugged her off. I could tell. She was like that, an open book when it came to her emotions. The complete opposite of me. I was a turtle. I lived in a shell.

Or I used to. Now everything just flew out of my mouth like locusts.

And it wasn't like I could help it. I was literally fighting myself for control here. It was like there were two Rangers inside of me and they both wanted out. An open one and a guarded one.

It was not fun. And it was not easy to try and sort through all these feelings. My mouth had became my greatest enemy. It wasn't going to think before it spit out the things I thought.

All because of that sad excuse for a son of a bitch, Diesel. He was causing me so much more pain that I was ever going to admit.

Remind me why I haven't killed him yet.

Oh right. Because the cross dressers were already working on it.

When the fight broke out, I was standing off to the side, keeping my head down, trying not to look suspicious which proved futile because wherever I glanced, some man (Do you like to be called women or men, I never knew?) was winking at me or shooting me a kiss.

It was the single most uncomfortable position I've ever been in.

I was almost glad when everyone's attention got grabbed by Diesel. I was even happier when I saw the idiot go down in a heap and the ladies attacked him. I wasn't sure what was going on however. Lula had suddenly joined the battle and the FTA we had came here for had disappeared.

Then I saw Stephanie slip out of sight through the back door and my alarm kicked up a notch. Whenever she went off alone, nothing good came of it. I weaved my way through the maniac crowd and raced out after her. Police sirens blared on in my ears as I ran down the alley way that lead back to the parking lot, looking left and right for any sign of the brown haired woman.

Then I saw it.

My car.

With someone behind the wheel.

I barely had time to process the sight before it came barreling at me.

0o0o0oo

Morelli

Reason number six: I was stripped of my clothes.

Let me tell you, I've been hanging around Trenton for years and not once I had seen something as ridiculous as this.

First off, when I pulled into the lot of the Royal Tavern, I saw Ranger lying on the ground, holding his stomach.

The sight surprised me, to say the least. I got out of my car and raced over to him. Bending down, I shown a flash light in his face. He groaned, staring up at me with unfocused eyes. The front of his black shirt was torn and a gash had opened on his forehead. "Ranger? Ranger, you okay? What happened?"

He didn't answer. Just groaned and squeezed his eyes shut in what could only be pain. That was something incredibly new to me when it came from this man. When had I ever seen him like this? Even when he got shot, he didn't make a sound. I made a call to the paramedics before telling Ranger to hold in there and then headed inside.

If Ranger was here that meant Stephanie could not have been far away. Seriously, the woman was a walking, talking disaster. Only she could have gotten that man in the condition he was in now.

When I stepped into the bar, I saw nothing but chaos.

Chairs were being thrown, beer had been spilled, tables had been broken, people were going crazy.

And it might have been my imagination but I think these fellas were dressed as seedy women.

I called for back up and then, like a fool, walked into the mess, stepping over broken glasses and splintered wood. Most of the people were gathered towards the back so I headed that way, hand on the handle of my gun.

I must say, finding both Diesel and Lula stuffed into the middle of the crowd made me bark in a laughter. I shot off a quick two shots towards the ceiling. Just to calm the place down. Harmless.

Everyone quieted and glanced at me. Diesel's face was almost beyond recognizable with cuts and bruises and Lula looked no better in comparison.

"Everyone needs to calm down." I began in my most I-am-a-police-officer-you-must-listen-to-me voice. "If everyone would just make a single file line-"

I wasn't prepared to be interrupted. "It's the stripper!" Someone yelled, obviously drunk. "The stripper finally came!"

I raised up my hands in fair warning. "Sir, I'm not-"

"Come on, stripper, strip for us!"

There was a collective chant of "Strip, strip, strip." that was followed by a good amount of them surrounding me and I reached for my gun a moment too late. The next thing I knew, I was sprawled on the floor and my clothes were flying off.

0o0o0o

Diesel

Reason number seven: I got shot at.

I will never go into another bar filled with cross dressers EVER again.

I swear it.

I felt bad for Morelli, I seriously did but I was in no condition to help. So I high tailed it out of that bar in record speed with Lula trailing behind. She was the only one who had jumped in to aid me and had gotten hurt because of it. For that, I made a mental note to poof up some meatball subs for the gal later on.

When I got outside, Ranger was lying on the ground, still as stone. I limped over to him and poked him with the toe of my shoes gently. He groaned but didn't move.

Lula came huffing up next to me. "Fucking crazy ass hoes. Fucking crazy. Fucking insane. My hair is a fucking mess. Fuck. Why the fuck is he lying on the ground? The fuck happened to him? Fucking disaster." Her eyes trailed to something behind me. "Hey. Isn't that Ranger's car?"

I turned around to see Greg sitting in the front seat of Ranger's Porsche, idling there with a smug look on his face.

The windows rolled down and he stuck his head out. "I have your girlfriend, Diesel! So if you want her back, you better do as I say! I've already ran over that guy and I'll do it again!"

"He's a fucking lunatic." Lula clucked.

I agreed. I was in no mood to deal with Greg. My eye was killing me, I had a headache, my rips ached, my legs bled. I was hungry. I wanted to sleep. I cupped my hands over my mouth. "Don't be a moron, Greg! There are cops on the way as we speak! And one right inside! You're going in and that's all there is to is!"

Suddenly, Greg had a gun and he got ten times more dangerous. He aimed. I screamed to duck, and we dropped to the ground beside Ranger. Shots rang off and a window erupted into a million pieces. Then tires squealed and the Porsche raced off the lot.

0o0o0o

Stephanie

Reason number eight: I got thrown out of a moving car.

When I woke up, I could hear gunshots.

I groggily raised my head up and watched as Greg shot at Lula and Diesel with an automatic that he surely got from somewhere in Ranger's car and then swerve off. All the memories rushed back to me and I felt angry and irritated. I didn't like being kidnapped.

So I did want any woman would do in this situation.

I screamed bloody murder and dived on him. He squealed in panic and turned the wheel abruptly. I went spiraling against the side of the car. I saw him raise his gun and I started to punch and kick and claw at him. He shrieked, the gun dropped, the car pivoted, the door swung open and he forcefully kicked me from the vehicle.

I landed with a hard thud on my stomach and pain shot up my hands and arms from the friction of my impact on the cement. Out of my peripheral, I saw that Greg had lost control and he went sailing into a cop cruiser that looked strangely like Morelli's.

0o0o0o

Morelli

Reason number nine: My cruiser got totaled.

When the mob of crazy, devilish women...men...whoever the hell they are, finally let me up, I was pissed. My clothes were torn, I couldn't find my damn gun, and my hair must have looked ferocious.

But I wasn't stupid enough to try and approach them again. They had lost interest in me for whatever reason and were dropping around the bar like flies, passing out from intoxication. I made a mental note to send all of them to jail and got the fuck out of there.

I got outside right in time to see a black Porsche crash into my police cruiser.

0o0o0o

Ranger

Reason number ten: My car blew up.

My ribs felt like bars of granite had been beat against them repeatedly and I knew some of them had to be broken. By the times the stars stopped dancing in front of my eyes, I felt exhausted and my head was banging and my mind was a puddle of mud and I was seeing double.

I slowly pushed myself to a sitting position and ignored my ribs as they screamed in protest. I glanced around, surveying the damage around me.

Stephanie was lying on the ground a few feet away, arms skinned, bleeding. She didn't seem to be hurt that bad, which made my worry melt away, but her expression was pained and she was frowning.

Diesel was up, standing before me. His face was a mass of bruises. His clothes were torn. Lula stood beside him and she hadn't fared much better than he.

Morelli, how the hell he had gotten here or when had he came?, was standing in front of the bar, which now had a broken window. His shirt was torn in half, his shoes were gone and he wasn't wearing any pants.

All of their eyes were on the car wreck. The wreck that involved my car and what looked to be a police cruiser. Morelli's.

I could see no one inside my car.

As more cops came zooming into the lot, every single one of us silently made our way together. We stood in a circle, the five of us. Looking broken and beaten and defeated. Which we were.

"Congratulations Babe." I was the first to speak, shooting her a dry look. "You've managed to fuck up two cars in one day. A new record."

The look of sadness on her face made me instantly regret saying that. I don't even know why it had came out. I don't know what possessed me to blame her when all of this could not have been just her fault. I wanted to apologize and I opened my mouth to do so, to tell her I hadn't meant it, that I was just angry, that I wanted to rub her arms and make her feel better and kiss her to sleep.

But then my car exploded.

Just like that. BOOM.

Everyone recoiled back from the sound and I watched the flames plume towards the sky.

I figured I deserved that.