She holds tight to my hand on the ride home, silent save for my quiet sobs, which gradually turn into whimpers. Once I've regained control of myself, I'm absolutely mortified – for breaking down in public, for letting Olivia see me in such a vulnerable position, for allowing myself to be in such a vulnerable position. I'm weak, and now she knows.

I fall asleep in the car – another thing I've never done before – and I start awake to find Olivia gently shaking my shoulders. "Hey, we're here."

I rub my eyes. "Hmm?"

She smiles. "You fell asleep, Alex. We're at my apartment."

I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing I could just sink into the ground. "I'm sorry. I'll call a cab."

"It's okay. Why don't you come inside?"

I take a deep breath. "Liv, I'm really sorry. I just – lost it. I didn't mean it to end this way."

Olivia takes my hand. "What's ending?"

And my heart soars.

She leads me out of the car and up to her apartment, and settles me down on her couch. "See, this is just as nice as a restaurant." She quirks an eyebrow. "Much more . . . intimate."

I can't help it; I laugh. Olivia always knows just what to say to put me at ease. "I'm really sorry, though. I ruined your night."

"Our night. And you didn't ruin anything." She tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. "You seemed pretty upset back there, Alex. Do you want to talk about it?"

I shake my head, burrowing deeper into myself. "I can't, Liv. I'm sorry."

"All right. I'm not going to push you, but if you ever want to talk, I'm here for you. You can tell me anything, and I'll never judge you. Okay?"

"Okay," I say softly, curling toward the arm of the couch.

Olivia rests a hand on my arm. I flinch involuntarily, and she cocks her head in concern. "Alex, did someone hurt you?"

What a loaded question. Moreover, it's a question I can't answer. I just shake my head.

She sighs. "Okay. Do you want me to put on a movie or something? We can order in Chinese."

"Sure," I say, but I can't stop my body from trembling under Olivia's gaze. It's almost as if those deep chocolate eyes are looking through me, penetrating my soul, seeing the words I can't bring myself to say.

She slides closer to me and gently rubs my arms to warm them up. "It's okay, Alex. I won't hurt you."

I can't bring myself to meet her eyes. "I know."

When I finally stop shivering, she gets up. "I'll order in dinner. What do you want?"

I shrug. "I don't know."

"I can get you a menu."

"No, that's okay."

"Well, I don't want to get something you're not going to like. What do you usually get when you order Chinese?"

I bite my lip, not wanting to say the wrong thing. "Lemon chicken."

"Okay. If I get spring rolls, will you have one?"

I nod.

Olivia orders dinner and then comes back into the living room. She sits down beside me. "Dinner will be here in an hour or so. Do you want to watch something on pay-per-view?"

"Sure," I agree.

She flips on the television and begins to browse through the movies. "Do you want to watch a comedy?"

"Okay."

She stops halfway through the page. "Don't laugh at me, but The Devil Wears Prada is one of my favorites. Want to watch it?"

I can't stop myself from laughing, and she glares at me mock-accusingly.

"Hey, you said you wouldn't laugh. I may be a tough cop on the outside, but I love Meryl Streep."

"Oh, that's why you love this movie."

She smiles sheepishly. "Don't tell anyone."

"I won't. And we can watch it if you want to."

She turns on the movie and moves closer to me. "Can I hold you?" she asks quietly.

I hesitate for just a moment before nodding. I do want her to hold me. I love the feeling of safety that washes over me in her embrace, because I know she'll never hurt me. As I feel her arms wrap around me, holding me close, I relax, letting Olivia soothe my anxiety. This is turning out to be a better evening than I thought it would be.

The food arrives an hour later, and we eat in front of the television. When the movie's over, it's pouring rain outside, and Olivia knows I live halfway across town. "Why don't you stay here tonight?" she offers. "You can have the bed and I'll sleep on the couch."

I'm about to argue, but then I see the look on her face, and I can't bring myself to. "Thanks."

She leads me to her bedroom and hands me a pair of sweatpants and a tank top. "Sorry, this is all I have, but I'm sure you're going to want to change out of those clothes." She smiles at me. "You can change here if you like. I'll leave the room."

I glance down at the clothes. The sweatpants are fine, but I can't wear the tank top. "Can I – can I have a sweatshirt? Please?" My voice sounds small and faraway, but after all the emotion of tonight, I can't help it. As the night nears, I can't help the fear beginning to overwhelm me once again.

"Sure." She hands me one of her NYPD sweatshirts, then apologizes again. "As you can see, I don't do laundry much." She grins.

"Thanks," I say quietly, and quickly change into the clothes she's given me as soon as she leaves.

She comes back into the room a moment later. "Goodnight, Alex. If you need anything in the night, I'm just out here. You can come get me, no matter what time it is, okay?"

I shake my head. I don't want to be left alone right now. "Will you stay with me? Please?" God, I'm begging. But I want – I need – her to be close to me right now. She's the only one who cares. She's the only one who ever has.

She sits down on the bed. "Of course."

Then I lower my eyes in shame once I realize what I've done. How can I have been reduced to this, this victim? I have never needed anyone before. I've always been able to take care of myself, and now I'm too afraid to even be here alone. How has this happened?

But Olivia understands. She gently takes my arm and lowers me onto the bed beside her. "It's okay, Alex. I understand. I'll stay with you as long as you need me to."

I haven't even told her anything and she's being so good to me. I don't understand. I don't deserve her, and it's all I can do not to burst into a fresh round of sobbing.

"Hey, it's okay," she soothes, rubbing my back. I flinch, just a little, but even though I'm sure she notices, this time she doesn't comment. "Do you want me to lie down with you?"

She asked me that same thing, so long ago, but it wasn't a question. It was a demand phrased as a question, and there's a difference. I shook my head, and she hit me – that was the first time. I stumbled backward, clutching my burning cheek. "I'm sorry?" I said, looking up at her, eyes wide with confusion. God, I was just a child. Innocent. She destroyed that.

She pulled me down onto the bed beside her and started to take off my clothes. "Show me."

"What?"

She hit me again. "I said, 'Show me'."

I began to cry then. I was only fourteen, and I was a virgin. No one had ever touched me before, and I was absolutely terrified.

"Shh," she said, pushing me back onto the bed as I started to struggle. "It's okay. I'll make it good for you, Lex. You're mine, only mine."

It hurt. God, it hurt. It hurt so much, and I cried and cried, but still she didn't listen. And when she was done, she lay back down on the bed and turned away from me. She didn't say another word that whole sleepless night, throughout which I must have shed a thousand tears.

So now, I know what will happen if I say no, and I don't, although I'm afraid. I lower my eyes, and say, "Yes, ma'am," as I know she expects me to.

With trembling hands, I start to undress. This is what she wants from me, even if I don't. I can't bear to meet her eyes as I pull of the sweatshirt she's given me, but her gentle hand on mine stops me. "It's okay," she says, brushing my hair back from my face and giving me a sweet smile. God, her smiles kill me, every time. "You don't have to call me 'ma'am.' And you can keep your clothes on. Here." And she guides my head so it's resting on her shoulder, then wraps her arms around me.

I don't understand, though. Before, with her, when we were in bed, she made me take my clothes off. She touched me, even when I didn't want her to. She hurt me so much. But Olivia isn't doing any of those things. She's just holding me, and for the first time in my life, I feel safe. I never thought I could feel this way. I never thought such happiness could be mine.

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