Juli wakes up to her parents playing music downstairs. Every Saturday morning they liked to play their old records while her mother, humming and singing along, cooked a late breakfast and her father put the base down for his new painting outside. It feels and looks like any other Saturday morning, with the scent of simmering bacon and the soundtrack of her parents' youth filling the air – until she suddenly sits up in bed, last night's events dawning on her. She looks beside her only to see a note.
Snuck back into my house earlier this morning. Didn't want to wake you. Thanks for everything.
-B
She reads it once. Then again. Then again. As she sits in bed with the note in her hand, her heart moving a few beats faster than it should, she feels relief combined with something else more unsettling. She replays last night in her head. They had kissed, here, right on her bed. And now it was morning, the harsh light of reality washing over her, and all she was left with was this cryptic note from the boy who lived across the street from her, the boy she had rescued from the beach, the boy that she had loved for as long as she could remember.
She slowly gets up to watch his house from her window. Everywhere around them, their neighbors are already going about their day, with the sun out and shining – but the Loski house seems just as muted as the night before. His car is in the driveway, so she assumes he had gotten back to the beach somehow to pick it up.
Did he remember everything? Was he embarrassed? Did he regret it?
What did it all mean?
Once again, Juli Baker finds herself staring after Bryce Loski with a million unanswered questions. Suddenly she feels the amalgam of her many different emotions curl up into a ball of energy inside her and she can't stand still. Sliding her curtains closed, she heads downstairs for breakfast, eager not to spend the day at home waiting for him to come to her.
"Good morning, Juli," her mom greets her. Juli gives her a kiss on the cheek and grabs the milk carton in the refrigerator. Every Saturday at the Bakers' was a break from the routine, grab-and-go weekday – everybody slept in and slowed down to have breakfast at the same time. Her mother prided herself in this tradition, which is why she always provided a hearty breakfast.
"You were out late last night," she says, over the sizzle of the pan.
"I just checked out a party. Couldn't focus," Juli says quietly, settling on the table with a glass of milk. She sneaks a glance out of the kitchen window at her father, who was in their backyard, prepping his canvas.
"Did something happen?" Her mother is examining her, flipping the eggs onto the platter. "You don't look too well."
"Just had a late night, that's all," she says.
Her mother only nods, but Juli can see that she is less than convinced. "Breakfast is ready. Please go and call your father."
Juli silently heads out into their backyard, eager to escape her mother's motherly intuition, joining her father. She looks around at the vast emptiness around her. It's been a long time since she's thought about her chickens, but suddenly she misses their raucous, and the way they always used to swarm her when she came out holding a bag of chicken feed. Realizing how much things had changed from when she was younger – with her brothers, her sycamore, and her chickens gone – she begins to feel more alone than ever.
"You've got to savor mornings like this, Juli," her father sighed, setting down his paintbrush. "The mornings when you wake up and you feel almost invincible. The older you get, the harder it is to come by."
She thinks about the last time she felt almost invincible. It was a very long time ago. It was the last time she was ever up in her old sycamore.
"I don't even remember how that feels," she sighs, not knowing whether she was talking to her dad or herself, hearing the birds distantly chirp around them.
"Then it'll feel even better when you get it back," he says, getting up from his stool and wrapping his arm around her shoulder. "Trust me, Juli. You're a natural."
ooo
After breakfast, Juli showers and heads off to her shift at the bookstore. As she drives by the town she sees that everyone is taking advantage of the warm weather – her neighbors at the town square and farmer's market, socializing. Amidst all of the moving bodies she knows that she is looking for one person, even though she reprimands herself every time she catches herself doing so.
Today at the used bookstore Chet has signed up to read to the young children. He volunteered from time to time as part of their Youth Literacy program, along with many of the senior citizens of their town. He walks in with a Dr. Seuss book tucked under his arm and a big smile.
"Hello Juli," he greets her.
She's never noticed it before, but she can see resemblance between Chet and Bryce. It was in the calm and quiet manner they carried themselves, and the way their smile lit up an otherwise very serious face.
Realizing that she was thinking about Bryce again, Juli quickly shakes the thought away.
"Good morning, Chet. You can take the chair. You should be able to start in a few."
Chet nods and tips his hat, before heading towards the front desk to check in. Juli watches the kids as they filter in through the door, some of the younger ones holding dolls and stuffed animals. Their parents hover towards the back where her coworkers are serving coffee and bagels.
She's setting up the book giveaways when her coworker, holding a box of Dr. Seuss dolls, whispers into her ear. "Holy shit, is that Bryce Loski?"
At that very moment she feels each and every tendon in her body freeze. She almost can't look up – but she does, and she sees him walk through the door, surveying the crowd. She's thrilled but terrified that he might be looking for her, and suddenly she finds herself catapulted behind the shelves. Hiding.
"What's wrong?" Lindsey asks her. "Is it a spider? I swear to God, this place has a spider infestation. Every time I come here, I see at least two spiders crawling around like they own the place."
It takes her a moment, but Juli composes herself. She feels the warmth of embarrassment creeping into her face. When has she ever been the girl who hid away from boys?
"Yeah, a spider," she lies weakly. "But it's gone now."
"I doubt it's gone," Lindsey mumbles, inspecting the floor. "It's probably still around here somewhere, looking for a place to lay her spider babies."
Juli excuses herself to the bathroom, leaving Lindsey to finish up the book display. She spends a minute splashing cold water on her face, trying to calm the violent flutters in her stomach. As she closes her eyes, she tries to imagine being up in her old sycamore, watching the sunlight filter through the leaves. She wants to feel that kind of peace again, that innocent contentment, the feeling of being almost invincible, but all she feels is confusion and this unyielding desire to run away.
When she leaves the bathroom and heads back out, she sees that Chet has already started reading to the kids. They are all sitting Indian-style on the floor, some holding dolls, riveted and laughing along with Chet. The parents are sitting in the back, silently bringing their coffee cups to their smiling lips.
She stands to the side, alongside Lindsey, who is also watching Chet.
"This grandpa's good, right?" she whispers to Juli. "He's, like, the perfect grandpa, suede elbow patches and all."
Even in a room full of people, Juli can feel Bryce's gaze boring right into her. She tries her hardest not to look his way. "Yeah, he's great."
Lindsay is quiet for a few moments, before Juli hears her scoff under her breath. "I thought Bryce and Cindy Frisch were over. Wasn't that the rumor?"
Juli abruptly looks up, her eyes settling right across the room to where Bryce was – and, just as Lindsay had commented, Cindy Frisch. She hadn't even noticed when Cindy had come in, but Cindy had cozied right up to Bryce, holding onto his arm.
Juli's eyes were riveted on Cindy's slender and tan hand wrapped around his arm, feeling an unmistakable pang of jealousy. Juli unsuspectingly meets Bryce's eyes for a quick second, but before she can catch Bryce's serious and stoic expression change, she immediately looks away.
So maybe the kiss had meant nothing. Maybe it was just another insignificant event in the ongoing game that Bryce Loski liked to play – one that apparently had no rules in sparing anybody's feelings. Even her's.
"Wait, but if he's back with Cindy," Lindsay wondered aloud, "then why is Bryce looking over here at you?" She paused, before talking hushed and fast. "Are you guys having a thing? Oh my God, is it true?"
Juli begrudgingly avoids the question. Lindsay gets the hint.
Suddenly, after a few minutes, her boss, Greg, taps her on the shoulder while Chet is just finishing up the book.
"Juli, there's a call for you. It's your mom," he says to her. "She says it's important."
Juli nods and makes her way towards the office. She picks the phone off of the desk, concerned.
"Mom? What's going on?"
"It's your Uncle David, Juli. He's. . . we just got a call from Greenhaven. He's had a stroke."
Suddenly Juli feels as if the bottom of her stomach has pitted its way through the floor. Her heart has stopped and she's speechless. She can hear the sadness and worry in her mother's voice on the other line, and she can only begin to think about how her father is feeling.
"Is he. . . ." Juli chokes on her words. She's afraid to say it out loud, for fear that it might be true.
"We don't know. Your father's leaving to head over there now."
"I'm coming," she firmly tells her mother. "I want to go with him." She has a flashback of when she had visited Uncle David for the first time with her dad, on his fortieth birthday – of the calm on her father's face when they'd come home at the end of the night, relieved to be able to share it with someone else, for once free from the guilt of hiding him away.
She could never forget about that day. That day, she had seen her father's true strength and love for his family.
"Juli, I don't know—"
"Mom, please. I'm going. I'm leaving now. Just – tell him to wait. Please."
Her mother's voice became gentle and soft. "Okay."
Juli doesn't even remember hanging up the phone. She grabs her bag and heads to the stacks where Lindsay and Greg are manning the book giveaway table.
"Greg, I have to go. I'm sorry. I have a—"
"Don't worry about it, Juli," he quickly says to her, his face serious and understanding. "Lindsay and I can take it from here."
Juli nods, telling him thanks, before weaving through the crowd to head out of the door. Everywhere around her she hears conversation and laughter, with their bulky bodies nudging and moving up against her, and all she can think about is getting home to her father and going to Greenhaven. She is telling herself to take deep breaths even though she can already feel the rings of hotness in her eyes.
When she hears the outgoing bell of the door, she feels release. She harshly breathes in the fresh air. Her feet quickly pound against the cement as she heads toward her car.
"Juli!"
His voice shatters her concentration and suffocating cocoon of emotion. Suddenly, she feels a hand on her shoulder, pulling her back.
"Juli, wait a minute."
It's Bryce. Her shoulder burns where he's touched her, and she closes her eyes tightly. Along with the sadness and panic she feels for her Uncle David, her feelings of jealousy and anger towards Bryce also quickly invade her system. This is the wrong time, Bryce, she thinks. Please don't do this now.
"Juli, what happened?"
On his face she can see that he is genuinely worried about her, but right now, she can barely take the moment to be grateful for that, especially after seeing him with Cindy. On the deepest level, the selfish part of her just wants to ask him if he and Cindy are back together. His response would answer all of the infuriating, pulsating questions inside her head about their kiss – about them. And after so many years, he could finally be a puzzle that she could say she solved, and was better off without.
But this isn't about him. Not now. For once, her life does not revolve around Bryce Loski. For once, she is thinking of something else other than her own selfish wants and needs.
"I just have to go," she says to him, her voice hoarse. "I have to leave."
And then she turns back around, scrambling for her keys as she reaches her car. Getting into the driver's seat, she hears him call out her name one last time. And as she drives away, she catches a glimpse of him in her rearview mirror – Bryce Loski still there, still waiting, and still looking after her, Juli Baker.