I sit in my apartment that night, wallowing in self-pity and shame. I hurt Olivia. I said something so horrible – unforgivable, really. Olivia's worst fear is that she's like her father, and I know that, and I also know it isn't true. But I told her it was, on purpose, because I wanted to hurt her as much as she hurt me. Olivia, who has always been so good to me, even when I don't deserve it.

I can't kill myself. That would be too easy, almost. Besides, I don't deserve oblivion. I deserve pain.

I take one of Olivia's belts and wrap it around my hand. I've never done this before, but I know I can. I take it and swing with all my might. I can pretend it's her that's hitting me, as I deserve.

The belt curls around me, hitting my back, leaving a perfect red stripe in its wake. It doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would, but I know if I hit the same spot three or four more times, the welt will break open and it'll bleed. Good. I want to bleed.

I hit myself over and over again until I'm crying and my back is a bloody mess. I don't clean it up, though. I flop down on my stomach on the bed and I cry and cry and cry. Because no matter how much I hurt, it will never be enough.

I freeze when I hear the apartment door open, and wonder who on Earth it is. I stay as still as I can, just in case, and then I hear the footsteps. It's Olivia.

"Alex?" she calls, and when I don't answer, she comes into the bedroom and gasps when she sees me. She runs to my side. "Alex, sweetie, what happened to you? Who hurt you?"

Her concern will be my undoing. I slide to the ground, and I curl into a ball, so I can be alone with my tears.

"Alex!" She sits down beside me. "Alex, please, tell me what happened."

I finally raise my head. "I wanted to hurt myself," I whisper. "Before you did."

Her eyes widen in horror. "Oh, sweetheart. No matter how angry I am, I will never, ever hurt you, Alex. That is wrong, and I could never do that to you." Her face softens and she holds out her arms. "Come here, baby."

But I'm in too much pain to move. Her eyes are full of sadness and it's tearing me up inside, but I know if I say something, I'll cry again, and I don't want to cry.

She wraps her arms around me and lifts me easily, being careful not to aggravate my injuries. She sets me down gently on the bed so that I'm lying on my stomach again. "I'm going to clean you up," she says. "Don't go anywhere. It's going to sting at first, but then you're going to feel better."

I shake my head. "I don't want to feel better," I whimper. The pain is searing with streaks of white hot fire through my back, and it hurts, but it's okay. It's physical pain. I can deal with that. It's the emotional pain that I can't handle.

"Sweetie, you have to. You don't deserve this. No one does. I'm going to fix you up, and then we're going to talk. After that, you can kick me out if you want to, but I need to make sure you're okay first."

"I won't kick you out."

"Good. I'll be right back."

She returns a moment later with antiseptic and gauze. She's silent as she meticulously cleans each welt and bandages it. It hurts, at first, but then it feels better, as she promised. Damn her. She has no right to touch me so intimately, not after all this.

Finally, she finishes and hands me a sweatshirt. I pull it over my head, just to cover myself up, and move to the edge of my bed, where she won't be able to see the tears in my eyes.

She doesn't come any closer to me, but she doesn't leave, either. "Alex, I wanted to say I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I didn't mean to scare you, and I never meant to betray you, or tell Elliot what I did. There's really no excuse. I know everyone you've ever trusted has let you down, and I promised I'd be different, and I failed you. I am so, so sorry for that. I understand if you're not able to forgive me now, or really ever, but I hope that someday you will. And I'll give you as much time as you need if you still want to, eventually, be with me."

Damn her again. I was never mad at her, really. I was mad at myself. I still am, actually. She's being so good to me, even now.

I start to cry. I try to stay quiet about it, but even if she can't hear me, Olivia can always sense my tears. She moves a bit closer to me, then stops, as if she doesn't think it's her place to comfort me anymore. "Don't cry," she says quietly. "Please don't cry, Alex. I didn't mean to upset you." She takes a deep breath. "I don't like seeing you sad. It makes me sad, too."

I know it does. And suddenly, I can't help myself. I slide over to her, climb into her lap and curl into her embrace as I always have, and again, it feels like home. I feel so safe, here in her arms, even now.

She seems surprised at first, but then she holds me and gently kisses my hair, and I relax into her embrace. "I'm sorry I said you were like her, or like your father," I whisper. "You're nothing like either one of them, Liv. I know you'd never hurt me. I was just angry, but that's not an excuse."

She presses her finger to my lips. "Shh, it's okay, Alex. I forgave you already. I know you didn't mean it." She removes her finger and kisses my lips. "I love you, Alex," she says, and it's like I'm hearing the words again for the first time. I bury my head in her shoulder, and she doesn't even mind that I'm getting her shirt wet. She just rocks me in her arms, and I know we're going to be okay.

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