Clare couldn't remember how she got there, but she finally ended up in her bedroom. She slammed the door behind her and got under her covers quickly, the thick comforters muffling her cries. It was hot under there, with only her breath hitting her back in the face, and it only made her feel more suffocated. But she didn't ever want to leave this cocoon of safety. She didn't want to face her parents, the doctors, the tests, the chemo, Eli. Eli...
How was she going to tell him? He was already so sensitive towards the subject of death. Clare couldn't even imagine how she was going to break the news that she had cancer towards him. And if she was being honest, she didn't know if she wanted to immediatly. She knew she would eventually; she needed his support and his comforting arms more than anything right now, but she also needed to get a grip on herself. She wasn't dead yet. Yet. Clare pushed that out of her head and finally emerged into cool air. She heard the front door open and she briefly caught a glimpse of herself in her mirror before her door was opened, and her mother rushed towards her.
Clare breathed in the familiar scent as she was cradled, and let herself cry once more. It was like she was five years old again and running for comfort after a nightmare. Her father rubbed circles on her back and just the thought of her parents coming together for her made Clare finally stop crying. She rubbed her cheeks furiously and her voice was hoarse as she said, "Sorry for running away."
"Clare baby," her mother cried and shook her head furiously. "Don't worry about that. We're just worried about you. But we're going to beat this." Her face was determined. "We're not going to even think about the what-ifs. We're going to beat this, you'll see." Clare couldn't feel that positive just yet, but she appreciated the good vibes her mother was trying to push towards her. So Clare just nodded and sucked in a deep breath before exhaling. She could feel her body starting to calm down, though she still had the urge to crawl into a hot bath and just close her eyes.
Her cell phone started to vibrate and Clare picked it up, seeing Eli's name flash up on the screen. She winced. She wasn't ready to talk to him just yet. Her voice was still shaky, he'd pick up on her upset nerves instantly. She was horrible at trying to pretend with him because he always saw right through her. And right now, that scared her. She needed to hide for a little bit.
If her parents thought it was strange she was ignoring her boyfriend's calls, they certaintly didn't say anything. Her mom clasped her shoulder and her father stood up, heading towards her door. "I'll make some dinner. Mashed potatoes, mac n cheese?" It was one of her favorites, and she knew he was only trying to make things a little easier. Lighten the mood. She appreciated it and showed it with a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.
"Yeah. Thanks dad."
The next morning, Clare got ready for school. It was her first day of junior year and Mr. Simpson had finally gotten rid of that horrible dress code. Her eyes instantly flashed to her jean jacket and favorite floral top, but she reached past them and pulled on a simple light blue button down and dark jeans. She brushed her curls and held them up with a black head band. The pamphlets that her parents had collected before they left the doctor's office lay on her dresser, taunting her and threatening to ruin her morning. She tore her gaze away from it and grabbed her bag, going downstairs.
She both loved and hated the first day of school. It was nice to see all her old friends again, but horrible having to push past all the lost newbies and try and find her classes. Rubbing her shoulder as a particularly tall senior boy bumped into her, Clare let out a frustrated sigh as she finally reached her locker. It took a few seconds for her to realize Eli was standing right besides her, a grin on his face and a comic book in his hand. She smiled fondly at the sight and tried to push away the guilt that came with ignoring him last night, and keeping this secret from him.
"Morning beautiful," he said and kissed her on the forehead. She closed her eyes at the sweet gesture and then smiled back.
"Morning," she shoved her schoolbooks into her locker and saw Adam coming up behind Eli. He shushed her with a finger to his lips and clapped his hands on Eli's shoulders hard, making Eli jump and swivel around, putting Adam in a headlock, the two boys both laughing.
She would miss this. No. Clare shook her head furiously. No thinking that way. Not today. Eli and Adam finally separated and Eli, never missing a beat, noticed the sad look on his girlfriend's face. "Everything ok?" He questioned, peering at her.
"I'm fine," she smiled at him and kissed his cheek, hoping this would make him believe. He wrapped his arm around her waist and smirked. "Walk you to class, m'lady?" Adam groaned behind them and Clare finally grinned, a genuine smile.
"Thank you, kind sir."
When she got home, she was still smiling. Eli had a way of making her forget the rest of the world with just his eyes, the way they would stare at her like she was the only girl in the world. He had just dropped her off and promised to call her later with the details of a date they were planning. She dropped her shoes and bag off at the front of the doorway, stopping when she saw her mom and dad in the living room, talking together in low voices.
"Hey," she said slowly and raising her eyebrows. "What's going on?"
"Come sit here, honey," her mother patted an empty spot next to her on the couch and with dread slowly filling her stomach, Clare obliged. She crossed her legs and fiddled with her purity ring, a nervous habit.
"We made an appointment for you, honey. To start your chemo." Clare felt naseous. So this was real. It was happening. She swallowed, nodded. "When?"
"Friday." Clare's heart dropped. No. She had a date with Eli, the first they had had in a while. He had been so busy in the summer with his part-time job working at Tony's Garage, and she had been involved with Friendship Club. They made time for each other but she was looking forward to a whole night dedicated to each other, no distractions.
"But Eli and I are-" Clare's father interrupted her, shaking his head. "Clare bear. You need to start this as soon as possible. Eli will understand, I'm sure."
No, he really won't. But Clare nodded, fighting back her tears, and when her parents looked away, excused herself quietly and ran up her stairs. Like clockwork, Eli started calling her and when she finally picked up, she made sure her voice was clear, not full of emotion.
"Ready for the most amazing night of your life Friday night?" He teased, his voice full of warmth and Clare had to swallow before answering.
"I can't."
"Why not?" He asked, confused. "We've been planning this since last week-"
"I just can't, ok? I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye." She hung up quickly and buried her head in her hands, praying to a God she wasn't sure she believed in anymore that her life wouldn't completely crumple. At least not all at once.