It's Jayne's birthday tomorrow.
She hums happy birthday to herself, except in B instead of her normal C Minor, harmonizing over the E flat on the way down. It's the little things that keep her distracted.
Jayne announces to the crew (with approximately zero amount of shame) that all he wants is to go out to a bar, maybe with them, maybe not, and pick up a willin' woman (or four) and get so drunk that he won't remember any of it.
She giggles to herself and everyone turns to stare. She stares back.
"What? I don't see the point of having a screaming orgy if you're too inebriated to really enjoy it. You know, it's a scientific fact that it's harder for men to become erect when they're drunk since arousal occurs first in the brain and alcohol tampers with your thought process. So your plan is very stupid."
They all stare in horrified silence, except for Simon, who sputters and protests (because he really does still treat her like a five year old, a clear psychological reaction to their forced distance, not to mention the over protective streak that has resulted from their lack of strong parental figures).
"Did she just insult me? Did she just say I ain't able of getting' it up? Gorram little psycho, I can prove that ain't true!"
He stands up, leaning towards River, and she just stares up at him, wondering if it was possible for him to be cruder, when Simon knocks over the table and grabs Jayne by the shirt collar. It's all very exciting, and then everything really goes to hell and everyone explodes at once.
"If you even go near her, I will make certain that you won't be able to get anything up ever again, you barbaric heathen!"
"Is that a threat, pansy?"
"Is anyone amused by the fact that the little girl just insulted Jayne's orgy-slash-sexual prowess? I mean, I really am loving this here."
"Sweetheart, just eat your protein."
"It most certainly is."
"But the insult! And the Orgy!"
"River, that's completely inappropriate!"
"This is absurd."
"Wash, baby. You need to be doing that thing we talked about. The shutting-up one?"
"You little kiss-ass, I'd love to see you try and cut my junk off-.."
Mal stands up and fires at the ceiling (irrational, but effective).
"Listen up. I ain't too pleased by the fact that my dinner's been disrupted. Plus this rooms gonna need cleaning and if either my gunner or my doctor gets hurt it will most definitely put me in a murderin' mood. And passing over that exciting tidbit that crazy over here gave all of us, she's got a damned good point. So Jayne, Simon, get to cleaning. And River, try and keep those amusing revelations to yourself, dong ma?"
She nods and giggles into her tea as she watches Jayne attempting to put on big yellow rubber gloves with no small amount satisfaction.