Wow. Thanks for all the kind reviews. Like the summary says, this is going to be a sad story. So bring your tissues.
But you really only need them for the end, which is a few chapters away.
Reviews are greatly appreciated, a bit more than story alerts actually, just sayin *nudge, nudge*
"Losing my sight, losing my mind. Wish someone would tell me I'm fine."- Last Resort, Papa Roach
And he stood there; motionless, speechless, emotionless.
Never had he been so utterly confused and unknowing in his entire life.
The words were beginning to fully latch onto his cranium. The words mocked him.
They were words, and now that they had been said, they could never be taken back. Those three simple words, that meant so much.
Those three words had so much power; the power to break, the power to build.
You could embrace those four syllables, or ignore them. The second won't help. The first, could change your life forever. Which is exactly what those three words will do to Tony and Ziva's lives, change them forever.
I am dying.
She was dying.
Ziva was dying.
And the worst part, he couldn't do anything about it.
That's what killed him. That's what ate away at him. There was nothing he could do.
And then the rest sunk in.
She was going to get herself killed. Shot or torn to pieces by a bomb. Either way, she was Ziva, she was an assassin, she was a crazy ninja, she wasn't going to let this win.
She wasn't going to be the victim. She wouldn't even let the inevitable win over her.
But she has a point. There was the voice again. You're gunna kill yourself if you have to put up with seeing her like that. It's easier to die than to watch someone die.
He hated that the voice was right. He hated that Ziva was right.
He longed for those three words to change. To change into any other three words, any other.
What? Oh, god she's back. I love you? Yea, you should have thought about that a while ago Dinozzo. You knew it all along. He sighed, she was right.
Then, the voice got sweeter. You may not have a lot of time Tony, you should spend it wisely.
He nodded. She was right, she was always right, except when he was right.
Tony walked back to the bullpen, frazzled to say the least. He looked over to Ziva's desk. She sat there, casually flipping through a file.
He sat down slowly, his lost eyes not leaving her. She felt his stare and met his frazzled yet empty expression, nodding slowly and subtly as he absently stared at her.
Although he didn't nod, they had a mutual mental agreement. He understood, not completely, but he agreed. It was her right to tell them. But the urge grew with each passing second to shout at Gibbs, tell him to rationalize with her, but there was no rationalizing with her, she was right.
But an ice piercing whistle brought him out of his trance and his eyes towards Gibbs. "Dinozzo!" he barked. Tony looked at him, stupidly innocent. "Something wrong?" he questioned coldly, having seen Tony in a silent trance.
Tony stared at his boss for a moment, shouting in his head. Yes! Everything is wrong! The whole world is turned upside down. Ziva's dying, what's not wrong? But he declined to say anything and shook himself out of his own thoughts.
"Nothing boss."
What a load of bull.
The day went by, slowly but surely. Most of it seemed like a blur for Tony, who spent the whole day on autopilot. And soon, he found himself in front of Ziva's apartment, having already knocked on the door. He came out of his trance, looking around him, confusingly adjusting to the new environment.
Ziva soon opened the door, she looked calm and collected. She looked a bit surprised that he was standing at the door, and a little concerned at his frazzled state.
"Tony, you are early." she stated, forcing a smile, letting him in anyway.
Tony blinked his focus away from her. "Yea…um," he tried to get himself together. "Just came to see if you needed any help." he said slowly, avoiding as much eye contact with her as he could.
She paused, looking at him deeply, trying to make him look directly at her. Letting out a defeated sigh, she looked still looked at his distracted eyes when she spoke. "I could use a little. Thank you Tony." she said softly and sweetly, with a sad smile.
Her voice.
He loved it when she said his name, so much. He could add that to the immense list of things he was going to miss.
But he pushed those out of his mind. He pushed everything out of his mind.
She opened the door more, letting him in. When he entered her apartment, he took a good look around. It looked the same.
Were you expecting something different? That damn, sweet voice interjected. But she was right. Was he?
He followed her into the kitchen, keeping an eye on her every move. But she acted perfectly normal, going back to the stove, mixing the rice that was cooking in the pan. He could hear the sizzling of the frying pan, the soft hum of the refrigerator, and the ringing of the stove alarm.
She placed the wooden spoon on top of the rice, and with an oven mitt, took out the chicken that had been cooking in the oven. "Tony." she called.
Her voice pierced their silence. He looked at her attentively. "Would you mind setting the table?" she asked ever so sweetly and casually.
Her command caught his attention and he nodded before going through her cabinets. He had memorized where everything was from their movie nights.
Everything was soon set and the food was out on the clothed table. She let out a relieved sigh as she set down the chicken in the middle, stepping back to take a look at the masterpiece. "Perfect." she breathed, admiring their work.
She turned to him, a proud smile painted on her face, but it soon dissipated when she saw his solemn expression. "Tony…" she took a few steps closer to him. "Please, do not do this." she quietly pleaded, placing a hand on his shoulder. "I did not even want to tell anyone." she said sadly.
He narrowed his eyes on hers. "So what, you were just gunna get killed? Just like that?" traces of anger filled his voice.
"No." she replied quietly, her eyes capturing his. "Ducky would have found out when he performed the autopsy. You would have known."
"You've got this whole thing planned out, don't you?" he shook his head, watching her expression drop. "This is a big deal Ziva."
She dropped her hand from his shoulder. "I know." she whispered. A heavy silence lingered between them for a few moments, Ziva kept her eyes on the floor, until the wonderful sound of his voice filled her ears.
"How were you gunna do it?" he asked, causing her eyes to flicker to his. "Just waltz into the middle of a firefight."
She shook her head slowly. "I am not going to go out that easily." she said with a hint of a smile. "I will just be…less alert."
Tony's eyes were empty and tired but he managed to keep his tone light. "I'm not gunna let anything happen to you." he whispered.
Ziva moved closer to him. "No, Tony." she made sure his eyes did not leave hers. "I am asking, pleading, that you let me go." her eyes started to glisten. "I am not letting this win." she paused, blinking back some loose tears. She smiled tightly before continuing. "I know that you always have my six. But…this time, I do not want you to."
His expression dropped, sadness stained every corner of his face. "I can't." he admitted hoarsely, feeling the lump in his throat growing.
Her eyes grew tighter as she tried to keep the tears from escaping her eyes. "Please?" she said, barely audible.
He looked at her emptily, shaking his head. His hand reached her to face, brushing her jawline as it made its way to her earlobe. Placing his fingers at the bottom of her ear, he held her cheek, softly and kindly. She moved her head inwards, the warmth of his hand comforting her.
He opened his mouth to speak, but their moment was interrupted by a steady knock at the door.
She looked at him, sadly and sweetly, before turning to get the door.
Dinner went well, extremely well actually. Everyone in their dysfunctional family was there; Ducky, Gibbs, Abby, and McGee. They talked, they laughed, they listened, they ate, they enjoyed.
Gibbs was the only one to really notice how Tony kept an eye on Ziva for most of the dinner. His gut told him something was going on; his heart told him to ignore it.
Dinner was over, for Ziva, it was over too soon.
She cleared the plates, with Tony's help. Making sure that everyone stayed sitting, even though McGee had insisted to almost no end that he would help. But finally, he stayed in his seat, defeated.
Ziva stood in the middle of the kitchen where no one could see her. Tony entered, carrying in the last of the plates. He noticed her deer-in-headlights expression as he emptied the food into the garbage.
He swallowed hard, the feeling in the pit of his stomach returning. Grabbing for her hand, he slipped his fingers through her, tightening his grip slightly, mentally telling her that he was there, that he would always be there.
She blinked out of her trance, looking to him. When she saw his expression, her face softened. She took another deep breath before coming back to the table.
Tony sat, turning his attention to Ziva as she stood, leaning her stomach over the chair. She looked around the table, everyone had traces of a smile on their face, probably from a story Ducky had just finished or a joke Abby had cracked.
She hated herself inside, she was about to rip the happiness from them. Every last drop would be gone. She wanted to run, just run. It didn't matter where. She would just keep running, as fast as she could.
Taking one last deep breath, she realized that without having said anything, she had all of their attention. She felt like she was taking advantage of them, her presence always caught their attention, and now she was using it against them.
She didn't smile, which tipped Gibbs off immediately, but he kept his stoic self. She noticed this and her throat became dryer, she could feel a sad lump starting to form.
"I need to tell you all something." she said quietly, as they all gave her their full attention.
She paused, for a few moments, looking to everyone, memorizing their faces as if they were strangers.
She swallowed, as her heart broke inside. This was hard, harder than anything she had ever done in her life. Harder than taking a life, because now, she was taking her family's life.
"I have terminal pancreatic cancer." the words once again felt dry as they exited her mouth.
She did not look at them when she finished, she looked at the table cloth, already sensing their sadness and shock.
Gibbs was as hard as ever. His eyes grew empty at her words, looking at her with concern and shock. He heard a gasp from Abby. Tim heard it too. It was a painful gasp, worse than the one she had when they found out Jenny died, much worse.
"Oh dear." Ducky whispered. His whole body tensing as her words sunk in and being a doctor, he knew how she would meet her demise, slowly and painfully.
Ziva let some tears fall as she heard Abby's breathing grow faster. "Terminal?" McGee said, his voice cracking, as he looked to Tony, who had no shock on his face, only sadness.
She covered her mouth to prevent any more murderous words from escaping and nodded slowly. Abby broke down, tears spilling out; she fell onto Gibbs shoulder sobbing into his shirt.
Ziva began to match Abby's sobs. She felt like a murderer. She loathed herself. And soon, it became more than too much to handle. "I am sorry. I cannot" she shook her head furiously as she turned and ran to her bedroom.
She couldn't handle it anymore.
Their sadness sent daggers into her heart.
Tony's emotions matched that of his on the bathroom. Gibbs watched Tony, and now he understood. Tony had known before all of them.
He tried, he wanted to be there for the team, to explain, but he couldn't. He burst out of his seat and sprinted to the bedroom.
He knocked on the door softly, until he noticed that it wasn't locked. Opening it all the way, he found Ziva sitting in her bed, sobbing softly into her hands. She didn't bother to look up, she knew he was there.
He sat next to her, putting an arm around her softly. She grabbed his shirt as she continued to let her tears fall. She shook her head, wanting so much to take her words back. But it was too late.
Tony thought about the sobbing Ziva, his teary self, and his broken teammates in the dining room.
Nothing was ever going to be the same.
Sad, I know.
Unbetaed, I'll fix it in the a.m.
But please review.
I have a global final tomorrow and I could really use the reviews as some help:D
And plus, the more reviews, the faster Tiva comes, and I'll make a fluffy chapter or two.