Please excuse misaoshiru while she goes and kills Jupe-san for not giving this a title...

How Much Is That Kenshin In the Window?
by Jupe, the slacker

How much is that doggy in the window?

The one with the waggledy tail!

How much is that doggy in the window?

I do hope that doggy's for sale!

Himura Kenshin was minding his own business one glorious day in the middle of whichever season you'd prefer to picture him in, strolling through the market, tofu-bucket in hand, when he came across a stall he'd never seen before.

The new store was doubly intriguing to him. Firstly, he wanted to see what they were selling in such a brightly-colored stall (electric blue was a rather loud color) and, secondly, he wanted to ask if they possibly knew where the tofu-vendor had relocated himself (they were in his spot, after all).

So he slipped into the unidentified store and browsed through the wares while the clerk was busy with another customer.

It had to be a food vendor of some sort. There were animals everywhere- dogs, cats, rather skinny birds, fish, even the occasional monkey or turtle.

'An exotic foods store, then.'

He had just picked up a particularly plump puppy, considering whether it would feed the entire dojo for more than one meal – not with Sano and Yahiko around – when the store owner let out a shrill shriek, rather like the kind a fangirl makes when they see the object of their obsession at an anime con.

"My god, It's Kenshin. With a puppy. How cute is that?"

Apparently, it was the kind a fangirl makes when they see the object of their obsession. Just not at a con.

Kenshin turned around, puppy still held in his hands, to face the store owner.

"Good day, exotic-foods-store-owner-dono, but how much would you charge for this animal?"

Starry-eyed, the store owner clasped her hands beneath her chin and shook her head vehemently.

"I couldn't charge Kenshin for a puppy! Heaven forbid! Take it for free! My god, I'm going to faint! Eeeeeeeee!"

Decidedly disturbed, Kenshin pried the fangirl from his person (she'd somehow attached herself to his hakama, and, wow those fangirls have death-grips) and plopped the puppy into his still-empty tofu bucket. It wasn't like he was going to be able to buy tofu today. The tofu vendor had, as aforementioned, relocated.

With a sigh, he trudged back towards the dojo, glancing at the puppy occasionally to make certain it hadn't started chewing on the bucket.

It had.

He could only hope that the offering of a plump puppy would be enough to stave off Kaoru's anger.

It was.

As soon as he set foot into the dojo grounds, he was accosted by a frothing Kaoru. Apparently, Yahiko had worked her into a rage and then slipped out to meet up with Tsubame, leaving Kenshin to handle the savage beast.

The savage beast melted when two pairs of puppy eyes were turned on her.

With a squeal that rivaled the vendor's from earlier, Kaoru scooped up the puppy and smiled at it with starry eyes.

"Wherever did you get this puppy? It's adorable!" she tittered, twirling around with the puppy in her hands.

"This one was given the animal at a new stall that has replaced the tofu vendor. This one apologizes for not buying any tofu, Kaoru-dono."

She waved off his apologies with one hand while she cradled the wide-eyed puppy to her chest with the other one. "Don't worry about it. Oro and I are going to go see what we have in the kitchen that we can cook instead, ne, Oro?"

That said, Kaoru flounced towards the kitchen, puppy, now known as Oro, drooling enthusiastically on her kimono.

"…Oro?"

Kenshin looked longingly at the puppy ensconced in Kaoru's lap as he attempted to stomach his meal.

Oro would probably taste better raw than whatever the heck this was.

Slightly queasy, Kenshin pushed his bowl away and stood. "This one will retire for the evening, de gozaru. It has been a long day."

Kaoru didn't even acknowledge him, too absorbed in the furry bundle of cuteness in her arms.

Kenshin sighed.

The puppy was looking tastier by the minute.

The next day, Kenshin set out once again to purchase tofu, as he did not want a repeat of the previous night. Shuddering, he strolled through the streets of the market, using his spide- er, hitokiri senses to locate the tofu vendor. Why he had not utilized them the previous day is one of the many mysteries of life.

At any rate, he soon found himself in possession of as much tofu as he needed, and walked back to the dojo with a fresh spring in his step. When he entered the dojo, he was met with the all-too-familiar sounds of a hopping mad Kaoru.

"YOU -bleep- ANIMAL! I'M GOING TO GO KAMIYA KASSHIN-RYUU ON YOUR -bleeping- -bleep- AND I WON'T USE A BOKKEN! NO, WAIT, I WILL!! I'LL -bleeping- CLUB YOU TO DEATH!"

Apparently, Oro had fallen from Kaoru's graces.

Curious (and relieved), Kenshin followed the sounds of death wails and expletives even he didn't know to the practice hall. There, lying innocently on the floor, was the reason for the turmoil in the normally (hah!) peaceful dojo.

A half-chewed bokken.

'Oh dear,' he thought, glancing worriedly at the cowering, beaten and bruised puppy panting on the dojo floor.

"Um, Kaoru-dono?"

An animalistic growl was his answer.

Violet eyes wide, Kenshin took a step backwards.

"Thi-this one could return the puppy to the store he got it from, de gozaru."

Kaoru's eyes were narrowed to slits as she kicked the whimpering puppy towards him. "Get that... that thing out of here. Before I kill it."

He was gone before you could say "oro."

The exotic foods store owner was only too happy to take back the puppy, cooing sweet nothings in its ear to comfort it after its ordeal.

Somehow, she had managed to coerce him into taking a cat home, instead.

He dreaded the presentation to Kaoru.

She had actually liked the cat, amazingly.

Until it clawed her practice dummies into ribbons.

Then the cat was returned to the strange store, but he hadn't been able to leave without yet another animal, this time a bird.

Which did unmentionable things to the laundry hanging on the line. Most specifically, Kaoru's favorite kimono.

The now mostly bald bird was exchanged for a pretty fish.

Kenshin figured a fish wouldn't be too much trouble. I mean, come on. It was a fish.

Unfortunately, it had only been swimming happily in its makeshift pond (Kenshin's laundry tub) for one day before Sano caught sight of it and ate it.

The exotic foods store owner wouldn't take Sano in exchange for another fish. She did, however, make several not-so-subtle hints that Kenshin himself would be more than enough payment for a replacement fish.

Kaoru didn't approve.

Which gave Sano a positively splendid idea.

"This one isn't sure about this…"

"Oh, come on. How bad could it be?"

"Considering what happened to the puppy, very bad."

"But you're not a puppy. You're Kenshin. You're way better than a puppy, trust me."

"Oro…"

"SAGARA SANOSUKE, IF I FIND ONE MORE GOURD OF SAKE IN MY HOUSE I'M GOING TO MAKE MEGUMI CASTRATE YOU!"

"That's your cue."

"Oro!"

"SANOSU- Oh! Hey, Kenshin. What's with the collar?"

"Woof woof."

"…What did you just say?"

"Woof! Woof woof!"

"…Kenshin? Did Sano put you up to this?"

"Grrrrrrrrrrr."

"…"

"…"

"YOU'RE SO CUTE!!!!!"

"Oro!"

End

And now...for a note from misaoshiru...will someone please tell Jupe that the ending is fine? XD

...My second crackfic should be up sometime tonight, if I can get on the right computer to post it. Look forward to it...please? XD