Okay. I am sincerely sorry for the delay. My computer decided to get a virus on me, and so went my entire life. So now, here I am. In my grandpa's house after a beautiful week in New York City, where in fact, I didn't even need my computer so there internet virus, I win.
Small change; changed Ziva's cancer from lung to pancreatic. Just cause I can.
READ:I added a part, small part. The voice is getting more and more important. And you'll see that especially in the next chapter. Now scroll down and check out the part I added. An additional review is not necessary but greatly appreciated. And for any of you that knew who the voice was all along and this just confirmed your suspicions, feel free to rant about it in a review.
"It's the elephant in the room and we pretend that we don't see it. It's the avalanche that looms above our heads. And we don't believe it." -The Truth, Kris Allen
Right now, and as always, writing was the only thing keeping him sane.
McGee sat at desk, his fingers tapping wildly at his typewriter. He had typed straight through the hour and was far from stopping. Random emotions embedded themselves in the full sentences of his thoughts.
It hadn't fully hit him yet, Ziva dying and only having a few weeks left. And he didn't know why. They had only been told the previous night but everyone one the team was starting to show signs of sadness and apathy, especially Abby, who's tears hadn't left her eyes all day.
Gibbs' usually stoic demeanor had been replaced with that of a softer leader and surely McGee wasn't the only one who had noticed how the silver fox kept his eye on Ziva like a hawk on a prey all day.
Tony was definitely quieter. And he knew he had spent almost every minute with Ziva. He even remembered Tony staying at her apartment after the announcement and figured that he was either there in Gibbs' basement at this time of night. It also occurred to him that he hadn't been called anything except McGee and Tim in the last few hours and even under the circumstances, he longed for a new nickname.
The longer he thought of that, the more he realized that Ziva was definitely right. Normal would be good.
He typed until his fingers started to become sore, and even then he continued. He typed until his vision became blurry and the words made no sense, until he was tired of sitting and his foot began to tingle soon and his throat begged for liquid, but he kept writing, putting his pain into nouns, adjectives, verbs, and phrases.
His writing roll was interrupted by a soft knock on the door, so soft it was almost lost among the light drizzle of rain outside. With a disappointed sigh he got up and wandered to the door, glancing at the clock, 2:56 a.m.
McGee quickly glanced down at his attire, flannel plaid pajama pants and an old MIT shirt that clung loosely to his middle, a proud reminder of his rapid weight loss. But the glance was quick, figuring anyone that came to his apartment at three in the morning wasn't there to recruit him to model for Vogue.
A tired and drained looking Abby was revealed when he opened the door. He could tell she hadn't stopped crying since she left. McGee knew this was going to hit Abby hard. Although he didn't want to admit it, it would be worse than Kate and Jenny's death, for they knew Ziva longer than both fallen agents.
He gave her a truly sincere, sympathetic look as she sniffled a few times. Her limp hair hung lazily on her head instead of its usual pigtails and her eyeliner was smudged all around her empty eyes. But Tim thought she actually looked beautiful.
"What's wrong?" he asked quietly, his eyes full of question and concern.
She sniffled a few times as her eyes wandered across the floor, catching his bare feet and staying there for a moment before she looked back up at him. "I…I just really need a hug." she admitted, her voice cracking.
The slightest hint of a smile crossed McGee's lips as he opened his arms. At the slightest movement of his forelimbs, Abby practically fell into his embrace, tightening her grip around him with every passing second and she continued to sob into his shirt.
The wind was starting to blow the rain into McGee's apartment and he let out an absent shiver as the cold wind hit his face. Abby placed her feet on top of his as McGee struggled slightly backwards, closing the door with his and Abby's feet.
They stayed in each other embrace for a while, Abby's head nuzzled in the crook of McGee's neck while his hands wandered comfortably around her back. He let her cry for as long as she needed, that's was she loved about him, he knew what she wanted, what she needed.
They soon found their way to the couch, where McGee placed a pillow on his lap for Abby's head. She soon found herself at a struggle to keep her eyes open when he began to absently twirl her hair, a flirty little show of affection he had found both made her sleepy and calmed her down.
And that was all she needed right now, at a time like this, comfort.
Ziva slowly pulled her lips from Tony's, but his hand was still intertwined in her curls, the other clutching her waist to his. She buried her head in his chest, shaking it slowly as he rested his head on top of hers.
Slowly, she lifted her head up to meet his eyes. He found them full of sadness and sparkled with regret. He nodded solemnly before taking a seat on her couch, pulling her down with him.
Tony leaned back, resting his head on the arm of the chair. He silently thanked the couch for being big enough to fit both him and the Israeli beauty comfortingly. She fit her head on his shoulder, fixing it to fit in the crook of his neck.
He laid his arm across her waist lazily as she shifted some more to get in a fully comfortable position. His nose was buried in her hair, the enchanting smell of lavender filled his nostrils as she wrapped her hand around his neck, gently rubbing his jaw line with her thumb.
"You do know why you are doing this don't you?" she said quietly, confidently.
He does? the voice laughed. I thought it was just to get in your pants. She teased, but immediately felt the regret brought on my his scowl. Tony, she immediately apologized, I'm kidding, I know how you feel about her. I know everything, she sounded mockingly powerful.
He decided to forgive her, this time.
"Of course." he answered hoarsely, his voice tired.
She nodded into his chest. Tiredness was getting the best of her and she wasn't looking to prowl him for anymore answers tonight. "Good." she said quietly. "As long as you know."
Letting out a yawn, she left him thinking, wondering why she didn't want an expansion. But in truth, she didn't need to hear it, she knew it, he knew it. Words were complicated, words brought them to where they were now, acting on impulses and doing things neither of them would ever be doing. Everything was changing,
And it was just the beginning.
What are you doing?
Tony opened his eyes. He was in a pure white room. This has to be a dream.
Kate appeared from no where. Dressed solely in white, she walked slowly towards him.
Yep, definitely a dream.
What are you doing? she asked again, more harshly this time.
He looked at her, confusion taking over his expression.
Exactly! You don't know what you're doing. she pushed her pointer finger hard at his chest. Tell her. She commanded.
His expression hardened as he turned away from her. I don't know what you're talking about.
Anthony Dinozzo, you are a lot of things but a moron is not one of them. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Tell her. she commanded sternly.
You know you feel it, just tell her.
He still didn't turn around but his anger was growing deeper with each word. He swallowed hard before she spoke again.
Three words, three. I know you Tony, you have said a lot more than three words in less time.
It's not that easy.
Yes it is. You feel it, she feels it. Just tell her.
No.
So you're telling me that you have no problem kissing her and sleeping with her-
Next to her, I never slept with her.
You were about to! If she hadn't stopped you I'm sure you would have had no problem going all the way.
Neither of them spoke for a long time. She looked at him sternly, breathing hard until he turned around, his face soft.
I care about her.
You feel more than that.
Another long pause filled the void between the two old partners.
You do realize her days are numbered, don't you? She doesn't have much time. Just tell her and be happy for the rest of the time you have left.
A few hours ago you told me not to sink too deep!
And you didn't listen! Now you have sunk to deep and you cant resurface anymore. So now, you just have to keep sinking, accept it.
Its not that easy. I say it and she says and then what? Then there's more heartbreak.
Tony, whether you say it or not, there's going to be heartbreak. You either tell her and you two can be happy, or you say nothing and you never know what could have been. Isn't it better that she leaves knowing how you feel about her?
He shook his head slowly, this wasn't happening.
She furrowed her eyebrows in thought. Your not in the denial stage, but your not in the accept-it-and-take-action stage either. She pondered.
What? he asked, having no clue what she was rambling about.
You know she is dying but you won't do anything different about it.
Why should this change anything?
Because dying changes everything! People, emotions, sanity! Everything! Look at you! Your partner is sleeping on top of you after almost actually sleeping with you after kissing her, you haven't made a decent movie reference in two days, and your talking to your dead partner! You're changing.
That's why I don't want to say anything. I don't want anything to change.
Nobody does, but it happens Tony, shit happens, life happens! Death happens! And you have to man up and accept it.
Stop.
No! Tell her. Tell her you love her. Three words. Then, you two can be happy for the rest of the time you have left.
You can't take words back.
So that's it. Its your commitment phobia again. Words are permanent. Once you've said them, that's it. You can't take them back.
Her realization prompted another long pause.
So what? Why would you take them back? You're not having doubts are you.
He didn't answer.
You are in the denial stage.
And you're not helping.
I'm not here to help Tony. I'm here to make sure you don't do anything stupid. And if you don't tell her, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.
She can't be dying.
She is Tony. I'm sorry, but…she is. Now tell her.
And with that last command, she left. And Tony was alone, in the white room. But in an instant, the room transformed into Ziva's living room.
He saw himself, and Ziva, seeping on the couch. They were wrapped around in each other's arms. It was there, love was there. But neither of them could say it.
If they said it, they would know it. They would know they only had a few months, maybe even weeks left. Ignoring was the best for their sanity.
But ignoring it was the worst for themselves.
(The Next Day)
Thankfully to Ziva, the morning had gone as normal as possible.
Although waking up in Tony's arms was not in the norm, it was starting to become a regular thing between the two. After declining an offer for a ride from him, she took the long way to work, admiring every street, monument, and street vendor on her way. The bullpen was quieter than usual, but it had only been two days since the announcement and she had already been prepared for this type of grace period before more of a somewhat normal day. Thankfully, Tony had put in a few cracks to keep McGee on edge and the banter had lasted a few minutes before Gibbs strolled swiftly into the bullpen.
The crime scene was photographed and cleaned up quickly. A bullet passing in a out of a Petty Officer, found dead in the middle of Rock Creek Park. His wallet and watch were gone and there were signs of a quick struggle, a simple mugging. Abby would pull DNA from under the Petty Officer's fingernails, Gibbs would break the coward of a suspect in minutes, maybe seconds, and they'd have the case closed by dinner.
And now, Ziva was relaxing into the leather seat of the navy blue Dodge Charger, the smell of coffee still freshly playing on her nostrils as McGee drove the vehicle moderately fast.
His fingers gripped the wheel and his eyes occasionally darted to Ziva, but left as soon as her eyes met his. "McGee…" she started after his fifth stare in the last several minutes.
"Sorry." he mumbled sincerely. "It's just…going to take some time."
Ziva nodded solemnly. "I understand. I am not quite used to it either." she let out a small sigh. "I rarely feel sick."
"For what its worth, you don't look sick." he attempted comfortingly.
"Thank you." she said quietly. "You are a true friend McGee." she said after another moment.
He let out a chuckle, a small one, embedded in a breath. She could tell he was growing slightly embarrassed, but she felt he needed to hear it. "Before I came here, to America," she paused, catching her thoughts. "You outgrew friends. In Mossad, there were partners, lovers, and family. Blood family that is. Those were the people you were close with." she continued to ramble, but McGee didn't mind, actually her voice was soft and enchanting. "When I became part of this team, I felt part of something bigger than I have ever felt. I have realized that family is much more than blood."
There was a lingering silence in the car as McGee felt a smile coming on.
"And you, Tim, have accepted me from the beginning. When everyone else was still lingering on my brother, you, you." she almost amazed. "Always had my back, you were always there." she smiled. "I just wanted to thank you for that, truly." her throat began to feel tight with sadness.
"You've been a great friend too." he said, taking his eyes off the road momentarily to meet her kind eyes. It still didn't hit him. He just kept thinking that there was no way that she was slowing and gradually dying.
The silence grew heavier around them and the mood of the Charger was grim. Then, from somewhere deep inside him, he asked it. "You scared?"
Ziva took in a deep breath, letting it out just before she spoke. "I have accepted death more times than I would like to count. But this time…this time the feeling is real."
"I think I am more scared of what I am leaving behind than the actual death part." she blinked back a few light tears. "I just hope that I have made enough of an impact on the people I have met." she admitted quietly, her voice starting to crack.
It was starting to creep onto Tim, like a lighting storm slowly and steadily approaching him from the horizon. "Believe me Ziva. " he paused, and found his throat tighter than usual. "I don't think I will ever forget you."
The storm had arrived, it hit him.
Ziva, his teammate, his friend, was dying. She would be gone in a few weeks, gone forever.
He let one strong, stubborn tear leave his eye. But he kept his voice steady. "I don't think I can ever forget you."
So?
Favorite line/Part and such would be greatly appreciated.
Love you all…I don't know why I just said that. Why am I so happy? Whoa…that was very, not me like.