Hiten Mitsurugi-ryuu, Kung Fu, and Tofu
by misaoshiru (who probably shouldn't admit to having written this... XD)

It all started innocently enough. Kenshin was in the market doing Kaoru's shopping, as he is in the intros to roughly forty-seven percent of all Rurouni Kenshin fanfiction. Then, he had an entirely unexpected epiphany that Kaoru's tofu bucket had really taken a beating over the years of torture fanfics, kidnappings, and all manner of bad luck that only the Himura family seemed capable of attracting. It was a wonder that they still ate tofu at all. But in any case, he eyed the shiny, undamaged, and most importantly new tofu buckets the tofu bucket vendor, an odd looking fellow by the name of Watsuki, was selling. They all looked so shiny, durable, new, and did I mention shiny? Unfortunately, he noted the price tags with dismay; they were all too expensive for him to afford.

Kenshin was pulled out of his reverie by the near-feverish mumbling of Watsuki. "First a tofu vendor, then a tofu bucket vendor?" he murmured. "Whatever happened to respect for the manga-ka? Damned fanfiction writers." Then, the chibi pig-man-thing raised his head, looking at Kenshin as if seeing him for the first time. "Oh yeah, I was supposed to sell you a bucket."

"O...oro? Pardon?"

"I'm supposed to sell you a tofu bucket."

"But this one couldn't..."

"As much as I hate doing this, here!" Watsuki said, his eyes lighting up like those of a used car salesman. "See this, the Ultimate Tofunator 1900." He held up a monstrosity of a tofu bucket covered in flickering lights and various switches and buttons that altogether made it look like it belonged sometime in the distant future.

"Ah ahm da Tofunator," the tofu bucket said in a thick Austrian accent. "Prepare ta be tahminated."

"No, no, not mass destruction mode, please. I'm showing you to a customer!"

"Aww. Ah lahk da mahs destrahction mode."

"This model is state of the art. It can hold up to forty-seven blocks of tofu in its special easy-to-use compartments. It is programmed to keep tofu at an ideal, properly refrigerated temperature. It gets thirty-three miles to the gallon, and if you buy it now, I'll include this attractive pine air freshener free of charge, all for just $5999.99! And you won't have to pay any interest until 1890."

"But this one doesn't have the money. Sessha doesn't even know what a dollar is."

"Oh, sir, money is no object. For if you buy this bucket, I will include a credit card that lets you buy whatever you want without even spending a single one yen piece."

"Well, this one was hoping to buy a new tofu bucket for Kaoru..."

"All right. Here you are!" Watsuki said, thrusting the heavy tofu bucket, credit card, air freshener, and about twenty pounds of instruction manuals, end user manuals, pamphlets, special offers, and a Tofu Buckets Monthly magazine or two at Kenshin.

"Oro," Kenshin said, falling to the ground the moment the massive weight hit him in the chest.

"You gahrly mahn. Wait, ya ahr a mahn, ja?"

Needless to say, Kaoru was pleased when Kenshin came home bearing a new, high-tech tofu bucket. Mind, Kaoru had loved her old one. It had been there through the good times and the bad. More bad than good; the thing seemed to be cursed. Still, maybe it was time that Ken-chan retired. (Yes, she named her tofu bucket after Kenshin. Deal with it.)

Kenshin's shopping had gone without a hitch after the purchase of the tofu bucket. Well, except for when he felt a sudden throbbing pain in his hand, that is. Was he going crazy, or had the tofu bucket bitten him? In any case, he had managed to get special deals on both the daikon and the rice. That credit card thing turned out to be handy after all! He, Kaoru, and Kenji had a nice dinner before Kenji performed his nightly routine of yanking out a good few handfuls of daddy's hair and they all went to bed.

It was probably sometime around eleven when Kenshin first noticed that something was seriously off. His hand felt like it was on fire, and was it just him or was he smaller than usual? It was when his arm began to disappear that he panicked, stumbling around in the near-blackness of the bedroom, the only light streaming from the full moon and in through the window. Had he turned into a werewolf?

No, he quickly realized as the transformation process reached its end. He had no appendages, and he felt an odd urge to carry soy products. "Oro," he said, testing whether he could still talk and finding out that he could. "This one has become a were-tofu bucket!"

Yahiko knew that midnight was always a bad time to drop in on one's friends unannounced. Then again, it wasn't often that a bo--young man--proposed to his girlfriend, and if he played his cards right, he might get lucky, too! That's why he ran out of the Akabeko, claiming to just be getting some fresh air, and ran to the dojo to ask Kenshin for advice.

He opened the gate easily enough; he had known it would be a good idea to keep his key when he moved out. Then he knocked the door. And again. And again. And then he rang the doorbell, even though the dojo never had a doorbell in canon. Ding-dong, the witch is dead, the wicked witch is...what? Can't a girl insert random movie references in peace?

(Someone throws a brick at the writer. The person is thanked, and as soon as the writer comes to, the story continues as normal.)

As I was saying, before someone so rudely interrupted, Yahiko continued to attempt to attract the attention of the people within by any means necessary. This attracted the attention of several large cats, a few feral dogs, and the occasional bear who would have put him out of his misery if the door hadn't slid open just before he could be maimed.

"Yahiko," Kaoru said, half-growling. "Are you aware what time it is?"

"I need to speak to Kenshin."

"At midnight."

"Well, yes. He and I need to have a...man-to-man talk."

"...You finally hit puberty?"

"What? No! I mean, yes! I hit puberty a long time ago! Kaoru," he whined. "Just let me inside. Please?"

"You have five minutes. Take one second more than that and I will make you wish Kamiya Kasshin-ryuu was not a non-killing style and that I could put you out of your misery."

Yahiko gulped. "Yes ma'am!"

The two headed over to the bedroom, Yahiko dancing around antsily as if he was a two-year-old needing to use the potty and Kaoru yawning, rubbing her eyes and counting the seconds until she could go back to sleep. Kaoru clapped once. (What? You've never seen Clapper lights in a nineteenth century home?)

In the middle of the room was a king-sized futon with various blankets askew on both sides. The bed was noticeably empty. That Kaoru was not asleep was unsurprising, but where was her hubby?

"...Where's Kenshin?" Yahiko asked after an awkwardly silent minute or so.

Also noticeable was a tofu bucket lying on the floor a foot away from the futon. Kaoru looked at it as if in a trance before saying, "I'm not sure. But wherever he is, I trust him."

"You're awfully trusting."

"Duh. You read volume one. You were in volume one."

"True enough."

"Anyway...do you think you could watch Kenji while I go out and buy some tofu?"

"...Are you aware of what time it is?"

"So?"

"Why would you need to buy tofu at twelve in the morning?"

"...Midnight snack?"

"Kaoru, the vendors went home hours ago."

"...Plot development?"

"Fine. But you'd better hurry, busu."

Whack! "I resent that!"

"So I noticed! Just go, damn it!"

Kaoru danced in the streets, clutching the tofu bucket close to her. "Now what should I name you, cutie? I know! Ken-chan 2.0!"

"Oro..." Kenshin said meekly, but he was not heard.

"I adore tofu buckets! They never cry out or whine, and you don't have to feed them! They are so reliable, unlike men. And they're so sexy!" Kaoru leaned over, her face close to the bucket. She gave it a soft kiss. "When all else fails, you're the only one who stays by my side. Do whatever you want as long as you don't tell me you'll leave."

"This one won't ever leave you, Kaoru," Kenshin said in a level, serious tone, "but what's all this about?"

"...Oro?!" Kaoru squeaked, dropping Ken-chan 2.0. It/he fell to the ground with a clatter. "B-but...?"

"Before you ask, this one doesn't quite know what's going on either. The tofu bucket sessha bought appears to have been cursed somehow, and it bit me. This one supposes he is now a were-tofu bucket de gozaru."

"...You bought me a cursed tofu bucket?" Kaoru asked, glowering and drawing her bokken. "Husband or not, I'll...!"

"Maa, maa. This one didn't know it was cursed!"

"I guess you have a point. But what'll I do now?"

"This one doesn't know, but sessha would like an explanation as to the tofu bucket thing."

"Umm...this is awkward. Can I explain this to you later?"

"Yes," a voice said from a back-alley, and Kaoru felt a gloved hand covering her mouth. She bit a finger.

"Zut!" the owner of said finger shouted, removing his hand. Kaoru slipped free and whacked the gloved man with her bokken. He fell like a sack of potatoes.

Unfortunately, three more masked figures surrounded her, and one of them picked up the tofu bucket. "We got bucket," the one who appeared to be the leader said. "Surrender, woman, or it we destroy."

Kaoru dropped her bokken but looked at him defiantly. "Ninjas," she said, cursing under her breath, before she and tofu-Kenshin were dragged away.

Yahiko sat cross-legged in Kenji's room, scowling. Although he wasn't crazy about babysitting the brat in general, it was so incredibly boring when all the toddler did was to snore. There had to be a better way to spend his time. Like romancing Tsubame, for example. How stupid he had been to give his word to Kaoru! But a samurai didn't break his promises, and Yahiko was a samurai if one had ever been born. So he stood up and began to wander the dojo, searching for something with which he could occupy himself.

It wasn't long before he found something odd - another tofu bucket, one exactly identical to the one in Kenshin and Kaoru's bedroom. He pondered this for a moment before realizing what this meant...who really cared if they lost a spare? Time for kendo practice.

He set the tofu bucket on an upturned log and began to practice his headshots on it. Before long, true to nature, it began to complain.

"Ah ahm da Tofunater 1900, nah some weakling prahctice dummy. Why dahncha be a real mahn ahnd faht me without ya puny bahmboo swahd?"

Yahiko didn't respond. Instead, he continued his hitting until the leather straps he had secured the bucket with snapped and the Ultimate Tofunator 1900 flew over the fence in a parabolic arc at a speed of five meters per second. If the distance from the log to the fence was three meters, find the accel...

(misaoshiru's physics teacher is whacked upside the head with her own class textbook. The aforementioned writer cheers, and the story moves on.)

"Ah'll be baaaaahck!" the Austrian tofu bucket yelled as he sailed over the fence.

The gag that the ninjas had put upon Kaoru's mouth would have been much more effective if it wasn't made of cheese. The same went for the beef jerky bindings on her wrists and ankles. Before you could say "misaoshiru is an awesome writer," she was free. (This is your cue to deflate the writer's big head, by the way. Long, painful blades work particularly well for this.)

"Very impressive," one of the ninjas said. "But can all of us fight?"

"Huh?"

"Can all of us fight?"

"I really wouldn't know the answer to that."

"Can all of us defeat you?"

"I hope not."

"Why that would you hope?"

"Oh! So what you're asking is if I can beat all of you?"

"Yes. You slow on uptake."

"Why is your Japanese so bad, anyway? Are you foreigners?"

"No. We just ninjas. Ninjas always bad grammar have."

"The Oniwabanshuu have pretty good grammar..."

"Well, us don't. Except Pierre, but he prefer to speak French."

"Mais oui."

"Now you answer question."

"I don't know. Why did you kidnap us, anyway?"

The lead ninja gave her a strange look. "Us? We just not like tofu."

"J'aime le tofu."

"Shut up the mouth, Pierre."

"Je suis desolé."

"Why is it that you don't like tofu?" Kaoru asked, giving the lead ninja a weird look. "What did tofu ever do to you?"

"I was once were-tofu bucket."

"You were? Wait, so you aren't now? How did that happen?"

The ninja shrugged. "Everyone know only cure for were-tofu bucket is for wife to do riverdance."

"...I can't riverdance! Not here, without any Irish music. Or Shania Twain."

"I see tofu bucket is friend. If that be case, you must. Were-tofu bucket can be fatal."

"...Fatal?" Kaoru fell into a twitching heap. "I did not just hear that, I did not just hear that." Finally, grudgingly, she began to dance. The ninjas clapped her on, and soon enough, Kenshin popped back to his normal, oro-ing self.

"Oro..." Right on cue.

One of the ninjas gasped. The lead ninja spun around and faced him. "What be matter?"

"That be Hitokiri Battousai, who sworn I have to kill!"

"Oro...why must there always be weirdoes after this one's life?"

"You have to admit that you're just as weird as any of them are," Kaoru said cheerily. Kenshin simply oro-ed.

"Why is it that this man you have sworn to kill?" the lead ninja asked.

"I heard rumor that he no like pudding."

"...What is pudding, de gozaru ka?"

This time, all of the ninjas gasped. "Have to kill him we shall."

"Yoda we are?" one asked before they lunged toward Kaoru and Kenshin.

Kaoru picked up her bokken, which had been left conveniently beside her. Kenshin picked up a long stick of cheese.

"Where'd that come from?" Kaoru asked, blinking.

"This one doesn't know."

The two fought against the ninjas. And fought some more. At a brief pause in the fighting, Kenshin said, "The style you are using is a formidable one that this one has not seen before. What is it called?"

"It we call kung fu. It be formidable style, yes?"

"...Am I the only person who has the sudden urge to break into disco?" Kaoru asked.

"No," one of the ninjas said.

"No, you is not," another helpfully added.

"Let's dance!" shouted their leader.

Suddenly, the entire group broke into song. "Everybody was kung fu fighting! Those jerks were fast as lightning."

"...This incident we not shall speak of again."

"Agreed."

"Good idea."

"Oro."

"Now to our duel we return," the ninja leader said.

"Wait," Kaoru said before the fighting could resume. "I thought you can't call it a duel if there are more than two people."

"She's right, de gozaru," Kenshin chimed in.

"Okay, okay. We fight tag team," the lead ninja granted. By the way, that's a long "e" there. He is not, in fact, made of lead. Sorry if you are a big fan of heavy, hazardous metals and thus disappointed by this discovery.

The duel started off with Kaoru versus Pierre. Pierre wielded a loaf of French bread in each hand. Unfortunately, as hard as French bread can be, particularly when stale, it is no match for a hard wooden sword, so Kaoru won easily enough. Next came Yuki, the ninja with a reputation for being cold as ice. It was not a merited reputation, however. He spent the whole fight making bad puns, so Kaoru was able to dispatch him easily enough.

"Tag, you it," he said, poking Big Bob in the shoulder. Bob was Japanese, yet he was still named Bob. Science has no explanation for this phenomenon. He towered at about 5'8". Okay, so 5'8" really isn't that tall for a guy, but he was still half a foot taller than Kenshin.

"Okay," Kaoru said to herself, trying to remain calm. "I can beat him." She couldn't, although she definitely put up a fight. Afterwards, Bob kicked Yuki. Apparently, he didn't like to be poked.

Kenshin was up next. His cheese stick flashed about like...well, like a stick of cheese in the grip of an expert swordsman. A cheesesticksman? In any case, he used one of those cheesy, physically impossible kenjutsu moves he always does, only cheesier than usual.

(Lem approaches misaoshiru and pokes her. "Samui."

"Yes, it is quite cold," the writer says, looking up from her computer.

"You know what I mean." The lemming-ish person thwacks misaoshiru with her tablet.

"Oro...what was that for?"

"...I love you, my friend, but you are really annoying sometimes."

"I know.")

Anywho, whatshisname is K'O'ed. Woohoo. So then it's down to Kenshin and teh boss guy. Who was wielding a potato gun. "All those pudding who dislike shall perish! You I shall conquer! All your base are belong to us!"

Kenshin whacked the projectile potato with his cheese stick, which snapped. The cheese split the potato nicely, making a perfect baked potato. "You is genius!" the ninja shouted. "You I cannot conquer, even if pudding you do dislike. Please, my life spare."

"This one does not kill anymore."

"Genius and merciful you be! I are impressed. To you apologies for you have suffered any inconvenience."

"Fair enough," Kaoru said from where she lay on the floor. "Kenshin?"

"Yes?"

"Let's go home."

"Yes."

Yahiko was more than relieved to be relieved from babysitting duty. He had been hoping to rejoin Tsubame, but the sun was already starting to come up. Luckily, he knew where she lived.

"Yahiko-kun?" she said as she opened the door. "Where were you?"

"I'm so sorry, Tsubame! You wouldn't believe what happened."

"Then tell me already."

"I got caught up in...childcare."

"...And what child were you caring for? Don't tell me you've been cheating on me." Tsubame started to cry.

"What? No! Tsubame, listen, I would never...!"

"Just tell me who the mother is."

"Kaoru. Tsubame, I told you, it's not my..."

Tsubame stared up at him with teary eyes and slapped him across the face. "You disgust me."

"Love, please! If you just let me in, I'll..."

"If you want to get lucky, you'll have to go elsewhere." The door slammed shut in Yahiko's face.

"Damn it." And just last night, he was doing so well in the romantic department! Advice was for chumps, he decided as he walked away, swearing to go buy Tsubame some chocolates and try again in a few hours.

"...Kenshin?"

"Yes, Kaoru?"

"Let's never, ever eat tofu again."

"Agreed."

Kaoru stood up. "I'm going to go check the mail."

"This one will come with you."

"It's not like I'm going to be attacked by a bunch of sumo ninjas from the planet Penguin."

"Sessha enjoys your company."

"Sweet." Kaoru opened the mailbox and pulled out an oddly thick envelope. "Credit card bill?"

"This one didn't know ducks had anything to do with credit cards..."

Kaoru opened the envelope and stared. "Kenshin," she said, her voice a low hiss, "you don't know how credit cards work, do you?"

"N-no, sessha doesn't. Is this one in trouble?"

"Let's just say you'll be sleeping on the couch for quite some time."

"We don't have a couch de gozaru."

"The porch, then."

"It's winter!"

"That's what blankets are for, dear."

The End.

Omake by Jupe

"Just tell me who the mother is."

"Kenshin. Tsubame, I told you, it's not my..."

"How is that possible?"

"He's a were-monster, so he has unnatural reproductive capabilities that we won't go into because we just wanted to get Kenshin pregnant."

"Ororororo?"

Author's Notes:
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. Or somesuch.