"Someday you will find it; A way to say goodbye, a way to put the memories aside. It's only getting better once you cross the line. Every trace of happiness erased in time…Love is like a bullet in the heart."- Love is Like, Skold vs. KMFDM
It was better when she was sleeping.
The pain, that is.
He could hide it better. She couldn't see him.
The tears he tried so hard to hold in, and usually, he was. But when she was sleeping, the fake smile came off, and the tears slipped out.
He would watch her, every night he could not fall asleep. He would prop himself up on his elbow and just lay there, hand casually draped over her, her warmth underneath his arm. He watched her chest rise and fall in a steady pattern, her eyes move under her eyelids during a dream, and he would wonder what she was dreaming of, he usually asked her when she woke.
Everything was so peaceful when she was asleep, she felt no pain, so his pain was less.
But it was still present.
He had sacrificed everything for her, and would until the very end, and beyond that.
The months passed by perfectly, plenty of dates and good times together. Picnics in empty parks or dancing to whatever music played on the radio at two in the morning.
Morning coffee, glances stolen across the bullpen, sleepless nights, sleepfull nights, lunches, interrogations, movies, dinners, time, kisses, touches, breaths.
All things that they did not take for granted over those few weeks.
And before Tony knew it, it had been three months.
Three months used to come and go for Tony and he wouldn't even think twice about it. Things changed, but that was life. But this, this was not just going to be a simple adjustment.
It was going to be time to say goodbye. And he didn't know if he could muster up the strength to do such a feat.
And Ziva hated herself for knowing well how much pain he would be in. sure, she gave him many chances to not do this, warning him, even though she knew he was well aware of what he was getting himself into.
One night, she woke up quietly, only to find him watching her, his fingers dancing softly against her arm. She rolled over; he embraced her in her arms.
She looked up at him with loving eyes. "Thank you." she whispered, her breath tickling his jaw.
"For what?" That was a stupid question.
She breathed a low laugh. "I could live for another hundred years and I still would not be able to thank you for the past three months."
He stared at her, his face showing no emotion, but his eyes smiled. "I always loved you." Silence. "Even if I wasn't always in love with you."
He shook his head, his eyes in obvious disappointment. "I should have told you."
She chuckled. "I am not dead yet Tony." He hated how she smiled at that. "And you have, you tell me every day."
"But it's not enough." he whispered absently.
"It is!" her voice was low, but passionate. "I love you Tony." He voice was assertive.
He thought for a moment, a long moment. "I'd just like to think that all this would have happened even if you weren't dying."
"But I would not have." she admitted, even she felt guilty. "Dying changes everything."
She lay back down on his shoulder, taking in a sharp breath. She felt his head hit the top of hers as she nodded. It was a while before he said anything else. "Do you really, really think I loved you enough?" his voice was dry and cracked.
She twisted her head and propped herself upwards, meeting his sad eyes. Their legs intertwined and their arms tangled together. "More than anyone has ever loved me." she sounded as if she was going to break, but she did not.
Ziva gave him a tender kiss. His eyes melted into hers as sadness overtook his face. "I love you." His words were slow, but exceptionally meaningful.
And that was all she ever wanted.
Review please and thank you.
I just wanted to give a quick thanks to everyone who has reviewed/alerted this story and follows so faithfully. Seriously, my heart jumps every time I get an alert for this story.
And I think my email is back so I'll be able to reply to any really nice reviews, although they all are:D