Sorry this took awhile:P

I still love all of you, each and every one of you:D

"Jersey just got colder and, I'll have you know I'm scared to death, that everything that you had said was just a lie until you left. Now I'm hoping just a little bit stronger, hold me up just a little bit longer, I'm fine, I swear, I'm just gone beyond repair." –Jersey, Mayday Parade

Tony didn't go home.

It was too soon.

He, or rather his mustang, made a B-line for McGee's apartment, the aroma of day old pizza and a few six packs of Corona were the only thing keeping him awake.

He pulled up to McGee's and without another thought, walked right up to McGee's door and let himself in, pizza box in one hand, a few beers in the other.

He found Tim sitting at his desk, his fingers flying across his typewriter. He didn't even acknowledge Tony's presence as he threw a slice of pizza in front of him and left the six-pack open on the side of his desk. Taking a seat on the gray cushioned chair in the corner of McGee's writing area, Tony took a long sip of beer.

It was ages before either of them spoke, or at least that's what it seemed like.

"She's really gone."

The steady tapping sound from McGee's typewriter came to an abrupt stop. He let go of a long breath; realizing the pizza in front of him, he decided that his diet didn't matter right now.

He didn't answer, but he didn't have to answer. Instead, he waited. It was another few minutes before Tony spoke

"Look at us," he stifled a weak chuckle. "A couple-a handsome bachelors, and yet all the women that really matter leave us."

The statement made McGee think, about Kate, Paula, Jenny, even Lee. And now Ziva.

"Where's Abby?" He asked, still in an absent trance.

McGee motioned towards slightly ajar door to his bedroom. "She's sleeping." Tony nodded; Abby needed sleep, the first day was always the worst with Abby, it was the bawling day.

"Duck said she wasn't in any pain." That was his best attempt at comfort right now.

Tony stared into the floor, McGee was almost afraid his eyes would fall out. "Yea, he told me." Tony answered sadly.

"Don't beat yourself up over this." His voice lacked the caring tone the words should come with. "Her final wish was to die a hero." He paused. "You made that happen."

He didn't smile, his eyes didn't have a slight twinkle to them, he didn't cry or breakdown, he didn't even feel. Instead, he took a long sip of his beer, finishing it.

Ziva didn't want to make a big deal of her death; but she did plan everything. So that no one would have to make a big deal.

Her life insurance checks went straight to Tony, her things were split up among the team.

There was no big funeral, no wake, just a small burial.

Tony didn't remember much. Abby's hand was around his most of the time, or someone's was. There were shoulder pats from the director, Ducky, Palmer. And the half hug McGee gave him, a brotherly hug that told him he was there.

And then there was Gibbs.

He couldn't remember it clearly, he knew he was close to Ziva's grave, maybe even right next to it. Gibbs looked him right in the eye, but Tony's eyes were locked on the ground. He put a strong hand on his shoulder and kept it there for a moment, but the silver's fox's heart was too big for him to resist.

He brought him in for a hug.

Tony was caught off guard by the gesture but didn't allow it to be shown. His lips twitched into a second long smile while a lonely tear traveled slowly down his face.

Tony sat on the floor in Ziva's apartment, his back up against the wall.

It still smelt like vanilla.

His knuckles hurt, and his eyes ached.

He had left his gun in his apartment and there was nothing within arm's reach of him. If someone had tried to break in, attempting to rob or destroy the place, he was absolutely vulnerable. And as he thought about it, he probably wouldn't flinch. He would just sit there, hoping they were experts, twitchy ones at that, and that they didn't want to leave behind any witnesses. Maybe then, sweet death would come upon him.

He was alone, and yet he wasn't.

She's safe. I promise.

"I want her back."

Tony, you know I can't do that…But if I could, I would. She misses you. And she hates seeing you like this.

"Tell her I love her."

She already knows.

McGee and Abby joined Tony at her apartment later that night, and after reading the letters and going through a few of her things, her scent still lingering on each and every one of them, they drifted into a light slumber, next to each other on the couch, backs against the bottom of the brown leather.

Abby in the middle, her head rested on Tony's shoulder, her hand on McGee's.

A soft snore escaped Tim as the door opened quietly.

Gibbs entered and cracked a microscopic smile at the sight of his sleeping agents and forensic scientist.

And then there were three.

He made his way into the kitchen, only to find it impossible to walk over the broken glass. Gibbs shook his head. "God, Tony." He looked around, there was a small dent in the wall and some bloody paper towels.

"Boss." If the apartment weren't dead silent, he would have been able to hear Tony's call.

Gibbs turned around, making his way towards Tony. He stopped in front of him, waiting for him to speak. He looks down at his agent, Abby still sleeping soundly on his shoulder.

"How'd you do it?" Gibbs knows what he's talking about.

He was slow with his answer, but it came from the heart. "Tried to replace her."

"And when that didn't work?"

"You deal. It's hard, never gets easy. Sometimes are easier than others, but you live."

Tony shifted his eyes to the floor as he lets the words sink in. "It's what she'd want you to do. And you'll find someone that makes you happy, maybe not as happy as her, but you're happy."

Cause that's all she ever wanted.

Work is hard, but they returned to it.

Not a day went by where Ziva was not on their minds.

Tony hated waking up alone; he dreaded falling asleep for the pure thought of waking up without Ziva's warmth in his arms.

There were sometimes when he felt like just giving up. Times where he would just sit in her apartment, which was now empty; some of the furniture she left was at his place, most of her bigger items were in a storage container a few miles down the road, another place he spent some of his time at.

He went to the bar a lot, never alone though, Abby wouldn't allow it. Either her, McGee, or both of them had to accompany him.

Gibbs was called up to the Director's office, on a quite Thursday afternoon. He was dreading the conversation, because he knew exactly what it was.

"I read Agent David's autopsy report." Vance informed him gruffly.

Gibbs lifted his chin up slightly.

"She was dying." But he wasn't surprised. "Cancer."

Gibbs stood his ground, so did Vance.

"I know you know everything about your team, things like this don't just go unnoticed."

"She's gone, does it matter how it happened?" There was a slight quiver in Gibbs's voice that wouldn't have been detected by a stranger's ear. It took Vance by slight surprise and he loosened.

"Don't let it happen again." It's stupid to say, but he has a heart.

"Never." And it's a promise, one he plans on keeping.

McGee and Abby grew closer; Abby was usually at his apartment. At first, it was nothing, too mourning friends comforting each other with their mere presence. But soon, Abby founds something in McGee, perhaps the same thing she found in his the first time she kissed him.

But nothing was official and no sleepless nights or kisses had been shared between them yet, but they both felt something growing.

Tony breathed, a lot more consciously. He felt her everywhere and he tried his hardest to deal.

He took long walks, facing the brutal cold and loving it. The wind piercing his face like a gust of needles assured him that he was alive. Most of the walks ended him up at Ziva's grave. He would sit there on the ground for hours, under the old weeping willow she used to pass on her way to work, falling in love with it. He would talk, or he would laugh, or he would cry.

There were a few easy times, Abby usually came over for a movie and a good cry-talk. McGee was usually his bar buddy, and at times, he found enjoyment in trying to get McGee a date. And of course, McGee would let him, no matter how much he hated it. Most of his alcohol was consumed in Gibb's basement, and Gibbs had almost gotten him into woodwork. But Tony wasn't the best with his hands, only accomplishing a small wooden crate.

And there had been hard times, and he would admit it. He had put a few guns to his face, even pulled the trigger of an empty one once. But he couldn't do it.

He was scared.

It's an awkward place to end it, but oh well.

Next chapter is going to be a short "intermission" if you will, containing the letters that she wrote to them. So I guess there will be around 24 chapters.

And just a little side note, these last few chapters are actually the easiest to write, not the emotion, just the plots, because these chapters have been planned out since like day one.

So favorite line and such pwease?