"Hey, Bones. C'mere."
"What?"
"Why're ya always so mean to me? I just wanted to say…."
He smiles, squinching his face up like a little kid (because Kirk is totally a toddler) and pinches Bones' cheeks, leaning is very close, so close that Bones can (unfortunately) smell his breath.
Yep.
Gin.
Leonard McCoy shifts his weight and glares sternly and the drooling idiot in front of him, who has collapsed against his friends chest without finishing his sentance in what is actually a fairly womanish manner (which Bones finds funny as hell). Jim's head lolls onto his shoulder and he stares up with annoyingly blue eyes, an annoying mouth slack (so maximum fumes can be directed for his enjoyment, of course) and Bones attempts to shift away. Kirk is going to be getting major shit for this. He probably is too, but it's Kirk who's the drunk one, so he doesn't really care (Kirk is always the drunk one). Chekov and Sulu look at each other and grin, big shit-eating grins that make Bones really, really pissed off(it's not his fault things like this happen).
"What is it?"
Kirk's eyes widen and he looks shocked, absolutely shocked by his new drunken revelation. He reaches up and awkwardly gropes Bones' face, palms smearing across lips and fingers poking in eyes and nostrils. Good, thinks Bones. You deserve to feel my boogers.
"You're pretty."
He reminds himself that this is very, very drunken rambling. He reminds himself multiple times.
He sees Uhura raise her eyebrows and he mouths 'save me' at her, but she just grins and grins and grins.
Jim somehow manages to straighten himself up and has now gripped Bones' face very uncomfortably in his hands and is giving him a look that, if he didn't know better, Bones would generally call his "drunken horny camel" look, except this time it's directed at him, and he's very, very much confused and annoyed and freaked out, but since he has more sense than some people, he doesn't go flinging his emotions around all over the place.
Everyone's giggling and Bones opens his mouth to say 'let's get you to a cot, so that I can leave your ass drooling on the floor' but only gets as far as 'let's' when Kirk puts a finger on his lips and Bones feels himself liquefy and then freeze in the time it takes to blink.
The giggling has stopped abruptly and Bones' eyes dart to glance at the crew (keeping cover, always keeping cover) and he sees Uhura grin at Spock, who almost even manages a smile, and his humiliation is utterly complete and he is going to fucking rip James Tiberius Kirk into little pieces of beer(gin)-flavored pork rind.
"You- you should kiss me."
Bones somehow manages to raise his eyebrows and look anywhere but the mouth of his best (straight) friend and say, "No thank you, Captain, I don't think that'd be a very good idea. Now let's get you sobered up before you try and grope Spock next, okay?"
There's a lot of laughter now, and he attempts to drag Kirk away from this Total Disaster #4, but his captain is stubborn (as per the usual) and he finds himself somehow being dragged over to what he has always suspected is Kirk's secret supply of liquor.
"Becky *hic* told me that it'd be hot. D'you think *hic* more people would sleep with me if I acted gay? I mean like, really?"
Kirk sways a bit and then falls back into Bones, who breathes a sigh of relief (heavily tinged with disappointment) that he didn't know he'd been holding.
"Some men, maybe. More women would probably sleep with you if you took a mint, though."
Bones rolls his eyes and hands Kirk off to one of the nurses (minions) and goes to do damage control with Uhura.