Watching him as they talk in the common room is hard. It's even harder to imagine what she would do if it was her. Of course, she doesn't really have to imagine for all of their memories together used to be close like this. She used to cherish the way his face would tilt towards hers in interest, in anything really.
It was her eyes that would sparkle, her face that would light up uncontrollable at the sight of him. They used to stand close together and share secrets. Now she is lucky for him to share the time of day with her.
Betrayal doesn't seem like an adequate word to describe the myriad of emotions, blasted things, swirling around her. Ever changing from anger to sadness to regret she feels it all because of him. It was his choice to choose the other girl. His choice not to inform her of their relationship until she learned from a mutual friend and although he says he is sorry she can't quite help but feel frosty towards them.
Frosty who is she kidding? She feels as if she wants to cry even though she promised herself she would not. She feels like she wants him to beg her forgiveness after all he has done, if he even cares at this point that is. She wants him to miss her desperately.
Friendship is all he wants from her now, a friendship that she has not one clue how to act in. She doesn't know if she can still receive the hugs she loved or the messages in late hours of the night or the hand written notes. She doubts this and finds painful shards of their relationship cutting her with every sharp comment made.
She wishes she could reverse time. In the beginning she wished she could have made him ask her the question she had been waiting for. She doesn't know how she could've been more romantic when they danced together every Friday night or how she could've influenced his decision to stay. She realizes now she cannot change his mind. He made the decision to leave their between the lines special companionship for something a bit farther away. She is hurt understandably. Completely justified in wanting to strangle him and cry at the same time both of which she will not do.
How is she supposed to act now that she realizes they are just friends? She thought she was being romantic hugging him after they hung out and writing notes to him through out her day but if he took that as mere friendship then can she continue it?
Although she knows she is hurting herself by the distance she doesn't know how to mend the wounds of her heart. She does not know how to bridge the gap he has created or how to tell her friends that she even wants to remain friends with him. She knows she will regret the decision if she severs all ties to him. However, she knows that these feelings will not diminish and there will always be the deepest part of her heart that hopes he will realize his wrong choice and choose her instead. His friendship is of great value to her and she doesn't know when she became this attached but all she knows is that she will latch onto this bait he has offered to keep her in some form. She will scrape by on the mere bits of attention throw at her for their friendship to survive. She will long to be the one he thinks about, long to be the one he cares for. It will be painful, it will be treacherous but she cannot live through the next months without him.
She accepts that Robin chose Starfire and will try to bury her affections for him. She will try to have a friendship with him if only for the sake of her sanity. She will try not to hope for the day they break up but Raven knows that she wishes Robin were with her instead of Starfire. She will ignore the dark voice that whispers for her to sabotage their just budding romance between the alien and Robin. She will not become a sniveling girl weak because of this boy for whom she could leave at any time for it is her destiny. It still hurts though just as a crushed heart would.