Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts
Disclaimer: Don't own and getting no money. (insert loud sobs)
Authors' note: We so forgot to thank our faithful reviewers: Nerys (YAY!); Serpie (YAY!); Lady Miya (YAY, YAY, YAY!); FevWhyte (YAY!); vlucia (YAY, YAY!); Jodiebaby (YAY!); Between2moon (YAY!); Kako (YAY!); Lawl (YAY, YAY!) and The-Quoi (YAY!). Yeah, the YAY's equal to the amount of reviewing. winks.
When Vasilisa told me she couldn't find our precious and sacred story (sobs), I tried the ffnet search engine myself and found there was another must-read one-shot called "MarySue and GaryStu go to Hogwarts!" by Anime Girl 666. It's not about Tom and Hermione (sighs distraught in little Ship-Land), but still I can recommend it fully. What would the world do without Mary and Gary? XD
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Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts
Chapter three: The, Never Again, Supreme Masters of Bittersweet Life
Recap: Maryione was about to tell Dumbledore that she was going to sue the airport, no, Hogwarts if her things were not returned, when a door to the ward opened and HE stepped in.
'Does anyone need my autograph?' the blond, blue-eyed, charming, little Lockheart boy asked with a broad, white teeth smile.
'No, no,' Serpie hisses to Nerys. 'You're missing the point.'
'Uh?' Nerys retorts intelligently.
'It has to be Tom.'
'Why?'
'Because it always is. He is always HE. It's what the cliff-hanger was for.'
'Oh…' Nerys thinks about it for a long, long time. 'But then, it isn't a real cliff-hanger,' she finally rebuts triumphantly.
'Duh,' says Serpie, 'it never is. It is just about Hermione seeing the gorgeous, green-eyed, dashing boy, so she can leave her intelligence at home, and forget about her mission and how Tom Riddle was described to her… Maryione will instantly drool and…'
'STOP! Please stop!' Nerys shouts, covering her ears desperately. 'Okay, okay, we'll do it your way.'
Rewind tape.
Recap: Maryione was about to tell Dumbledore that she was going to sue the airport, no, Hogwarts if her things were not returned, when a door to the ward opened and HE stepped in.
Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts
Chapter three: The New Victory Colors' Taste of Manipulation
Maryione Hermito Superfly Morgan Nerys Serpie Sue Black Gryffindor Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell Cucaracha Merlin was through waiting in the infirmary all day long. Yes, she had seen an unknown gorgeous male specimen, who brutally tried to penetrate the unbreakable Occlumency walls of her mage mind, but she needed her priceless belongings even more than a powerful, yummy bloke or a good shag.
At last, a House-elf appeared beside her in a loud crack. Her luggage had finally arrived. Even though some of her precious things were somewhat damaged, Maryione felt a form of relief, like she had never felt before, when she saw her precious golden toilet seat with the pink fluffy feathers. Really, how could she manage without relieving herself for so long! Her healthy diet made sure that Maryione followed her lifesaving timetable, which was especially made for her petite arse alone by the most famous and expensive proctologist out there. She had already missed two extremely important body cleansing procedures, so she couldn't afford missing another one. That would have been dreadful!!
Luckily for Maryione, her silver and gold enema was made from a very rare Goblin-made- Glass, which did not break, and her golden toilet seat wasn't damaged as well. After spending two hours doing her "beauty" procedures, Maryione was ready to face the day.
During the beauty procedures, she thought often about her best friend Draco. They would always go through the cleansings together, helping each other out when one of them was "stuck". Now, however, Draco was far, far away and this made Maryione incredibly sad and on the brink of spraying crystal sparkling tears around. Maryione had always known that magic was magical, but she never expected to see magic doing magical things. Just when she thought about her friend and his liquid mercury eyes mixed with the colouring of a stormy sky when Draco was "cleansing", an impossible bright light illuminated the occupied bathroom with Maryione on her golden toilet seat, while having inserted the silver, made of the finest Goblin-made-Glass, enema in her precious behind. A magnificent horse with four ruby horns instead of a tail and ten huge silver-mercury-cloudy wings, that reminded Maryione of Draco's finest silkiest, sleekest, blondest hair, appeared before her.
'Fartomus!' cried Maryione, hugging the magnificent creature. Just when Maryione thought the surprise was over, a couple of her other friends appeared out of thin air as well.
'Just like magic!' cried the princess, looking at her three other friends delighted.
Checking over her appearance for the 1,035,432 time, Maryione left the infirmary and headed to the Great Hall alongside her always faithful friends. Albus had told her that The Welcoming Fest would begin at six p.m. But Maryione had so many things to do! So it was well after seven p.m. when our dazzling queen made her way to the place to be seen. However, our dear Maryione knew no one would mind waiting for her; they would be honoured to be allowed in her blinding presence at all.
XXX
Meanwhile, Tom strolled casually through the corridors of Hogwarts. His tremendously, all-powerful charm and intellect never failed him. Several female students gasped and crashed to the ground overwhelmed by his almighty persona and new breathtaking cologne called "All Wizard All Day". The odour, Tom felt, was as deadly as his long, curly black eyelashes that made his sparkling emerald eyes shine in the darkest of pools of moonlit tar. But only She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named would be able to appreciate the fine, delicate smell of his aroma and he had yet to find this love of his life; his equal; his soul mate; his dream come true.
'Lemon drop?' Dumbledore drawled, sniffing in the air with his long, crooked nose.
Wrong gender. Panicking, Tom raced away. Perhaps another male perfume would be preferable. Quickly, he showered extensively in the luxurious, currently for his steamy eyes only, joined Head Boy and Head Girl's bathroom, where Tom applied his other nose-tearing and mind-numbing perfume. This one was called: "Darkest Musk of the I-am-far-out-hotter-than-Aragorn-and-Legolas-together Illusion".
However, beside his smelly soul mate issues, he also had to consider his encounter with Maryione Hermione Dumbledore. There was something not right about her story. It was filled with holes so large you could sail the Titanic through. 'Near, far… wherever you are… I believe that the heart does go on… Once more you open the door … lalalala,' Tom hummed subconsciously as he got handsomely dressed again.
No, Tom was certain something was wrong with Maryione. The way she simply blocked his impressive Legilimency and told him to stay out of her mind was astonishing. He'd never encounter such power and spirit before. But it was also suspicious. Only people with secrets would learn to occlude their minds like that. Only people with stuff to hide needed to be aware of others entering. But he would find out all of Maryione's secrets; he always did. It's what he had Malfoy for. If Tom had something he needed to learn, he didn't go after it himself. No, all he had to do was send the amazing blonde out on a private investigation and Abraxas Malfoy would bring him ALL the answers to the universe.
Right now, Tom was back on his way to the Great Hall for dinner and he made sure to be as late as possible. After all, everybody should realise it was his important being that needed to be waited upon. He was the epiphany of a prince waiting to ascend his thrown as he appeared there in his long, made of the finest dragon skin, black Hogwarts robes and ravishing green Armani tie. His Head Boy badge was shining so brightly with importance that it blinded several of his classmates and they had to be rushed to the infirmary permanently. His place at the head of the Slytherin table was kept free by the others who worshipped the very ground he walked on. Walburga Black's thin-lipped mouth drooled slightly when Tom sat down next to her, arrogantly ignoring her presence.
Satisfied, Tom Marvolo Riddle looked around. He was the last to sit down as it should be. Everyone should wait for his royal arse to be placed in his Slytherin inherited armchair before dinner was served. Just as Tom was about to put his jaws' force into the juicy Big Mac destruction, The Headmaster rose from his seat.
'Dear children! I'm so starving that I'll be quick. Tonight we have a new student joining our ranks. Please welcome Maryione Hermione Dumbledore!'
Tom forgot about his Big Mac and fried potatoes when SHE entered.
She was like a queen! No. She was like a white knight from one of the Hawaii islands with her tanned, silky, smooth-shaved skin and her long, muscular legs that were hugging her white-winged horse. She entered the Hall on her magnificent creature, looking like a goddess, surrounded by her other friends - three little yellow chickens.
Maryione looked around the hall briefly, noticing the stunned student body when her flashing chocolate-nougat-coffee-whatever eyes met the huge, grass-green eyes of the most handsome male in the whole universe. It was her saviour, her hero, her new masturbation dream. Shaking her head from right to left, letting her sleek shining blond hair flow in the strong wind of the Great Hall, while her heavy golden-platinum earrings, that weighted more than two kilos each, did their expensive bling-bling sound, Maryione laughed with her melodically wonderful voice. Why she laughed? She didn't know either, but she liked the sound of her voice, so she laughed all the time.
The whole Great Hall was silent. There, just before their mortal, not-so-pretty eyes stood the beauty. Her dress - which was made of the silkiest of all silks pink fog and adorned with fresh leaves from the gardens of her Family Mansion - suited her toned, fit, curvy figure like a second skin. The diamond stilettos on her shaved legs showed just how beautiful she was.
Armando Dippet, the Headmaster of Hogwarts, could not believe his eyes. He had seen the beauty yesterday when she was brought to the infirmary, but by Gods! how she changed during the last 8 hours, 34 minutes and 12,2 seconds.
Tom just stared in trance at the beauty on her horse. Was this the same woman he had seen before? It couldn't be. His jaw had dropped several inches and his burger was dripping ketchup all over his fine, green, cashmere Spencer. But the most feared wizard of all history and fiction had no knowledge of his need for a bib and a Kleenex. Fascinated, he just watched his queen ride into the Great Hall with the elegance of all the purest of bloodlines out there. Lord Voldemort knew there and then, he had found his match, his Lady of Love. A lovely daydream, which involved lots of sun tanning lotion, a beach, a clear, blue sea and said queen naked at his disposal, made its way to Tom's perverted, little mind. As his eyes turned a softer shade of moss-green, the dulcet tones of the chimp – as Tom liked to call the Headmaster – awoke him rudely from the happiest thoughts the poor, lonely orphan ever had.
'Miss Dumbledore, would you please be so kind and put the Sorting Hat on?' the still shocked Headmaster asked the beauty, while the rest of the hall looked at her, still stunned to the core.
'Duh, okay,' replied Maryione, while turning her horse, Fartomus, towards the Head Table. Three little chickens quickly ran after the shining horse.
'Gotta sit on that, eh?' drawled Maryione lazily and she jumped from her horse. The little yellow chickens ran closer to the stool and clapped their little yellow wings.
Maryione seated her firm and royal arse onto the small chair and took the old hat with two manicured with black nail polish and expensive diamonds fingers. Really, there might be fleas and ticks in there! Disgusted, Maryione put the hat on.
'Mistress!' the hat cried in Maryione's head and she winced. 'I have been waiting for over 10,000 years for you, my Lady. There is only one house you belong to…'
Annoyed, Maryione waited impatiently to hear the answer, so she could remove the smelly hat from her well perfumed body a.s.a.p.
'Supreme Hierarchy Institution of Truly Talented Esteemed Royalty!' the hat cried out loud.
No one could believe that this princess had just been sorted into the most ancient and powerful house of Supreme Hierarchy Institution of Truly Talented Esteemed Royalty, also known as the SHITTER. Who was she?
This was something that Tom Marvolo Riddle, a.k.a. Lord Voldemort, a.k.a. You-Know-Who, a.k.a. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, a.k.a. the most brilliant student Hogwarts had ever seen, a.k.a. the handsomest Head Boy ever, a.k.a. the Heir of Slytherin, a.k.a. I-Am-So-Done-With-Making-Up-More-Shitty-Names-For-This-Poor-Misunderstood-Wizard, wanted to know too.
Maryione laughed with her Ariel-the-mermaid voice and the chickens clapped again. The utter silence in the hall then turned into a chaos. Everyone was cheering and clapping, being so happy that Maryione had come to Hogwarts.
A small table made of the finest Goblin-made-Glass appeared in the middle of the Great Hall and a new, the most beautiful and stunning, fifth emblem of Hogwarts appeared in front of everybody's eyes. A huge pink pig with twelve silver wings made of the finest Goblin-made-Glass and six huge diamond horns laughed from the emblem. The shining tiara made of… GUESS … yes, made of the finest Goblin-made-Glass sparkled on the pigs head just between the first and the fifth horns. The pig's teeth were sharp and adorned with diamonds, rubies and… YES! the finest Goblin-made-Glass. Diamond stilettos on the pig's (what do pigs have? Paws? No, not Maryione's pig) LEGS showed just how powerful the House was. And the elegant neck of the famous emblem was adorned with a sparkling Emerald Amulet, made of the finest-NO!-Elfish silver-gold-platinum-iron. It was the amulet of Pure Love, as it held the most sacred secret inside of its sphere: the Potion to reveal soul mates.
Tom marvelled at the tremendous power this new formed Pig's House and its Founder, Maryione Hermione Dumbledore, emanated. He had to learn her secrets and make her his. He was, after all, the offspring of Salazar Slytherin and all that power in Maryione's SHITTER House just made his frozen heart go boomp-a-the-boomp. Finally, he could feel again! His chest turned all warm and moist! Oh, it was the hot chocolate milk that he spilt unnoticeably. Quickly, Tom removed his ruined Spencer, leaving him seated without a cotton shirt with all the glory of his shaved, naked, broad chest visible to the common mortals to see, because it was covered only by a formal Armani green tie.
Still laughing, Maryione made it to her table and seated her apricot. She was so hungry!
Everybody started eating, all the while throwing Maryione admiring glances.
She was sooo hungry that she could have eaten a horse. This was Maryione's thought, while taking a suspicious glance towards Fartomus who was, suddenly, nowhere to be seen. The little yellow chickens were not as fast as the horse and our Maryione found three roasted Mac Nuggets on her ... dun dun dun … finest Goblin-made-Glass plate. Using her teeth and fingers, Maryione destroyed the small aperitif and moved on to the main course.
'And she can eat for real too!' Tom thought astounded. This was soooo sexy, he admitted.
Violently, he mirrored Maryione's gestures by ripping a piece of white meat from his turkey paw away with his blinking white teeth. Her actions brought a pearl drop of sweat to his fine and noble features. Absentmindedly, the Junior Dark Lord loosened his tie and wiped the melted "Quick Tan for Noble Heir's" lotion from his broad tanned, shaved, naked chest. This act caused Walburga to pass out and Miss Black plummeted underneath the Slytherin table, but nobody noticed the pure-blood damsel anymore, because all eyes were glued to the latest and prettiest addition of the Hogwarts student body.
When Maryione's fake sharp teeth, made of - NO! Not the Goblin thingy again! - the best porcelain in China, dove into the juicy flesh of a 28 pound pig, she was happy. A small bucket of the finest Elfish vodka and a five-gallon goblet of the bloodiest Bloody Mary were just about enough for Maryione to satisfy her thirst and hunger. Really, with a diet like hers, Maryione was constantly feeling hungry. She could eat all she wanted and never gain a single ounce, so what wouldn't a woman like her do to maintain the super shape she was in?
Just when Maryione was ready to go to her own House, which was located above Hogwarts way up there in the shiny, sunny skies, the Headmaster stood up once again.
'Yes, yes, I also want to pee, so I'll be quick!' mumbled Headmaster Dippet. 'As you all know, we don't have a Head Girl this year. So, I would like to think that our wonderful Miss Dumbledore would help us out and take the position as the Head Girl of Hogwarts!'
The thunderous applause was so loud that Maryione almost didn't hear her own laugh, almost. She waved condescendingly and endearingly to the masses all around her.
Professor Dumbledore smiled sweetly enhanced by his everlasting twinkling eyes and the Headmaster continued. 'So, this year our Head Boy and Head Girl are our best students – Mister, I'm the root of all evil, Tom Marvolo Riddle and Miss, I'll save the day, Maryione Hermione Dumbledore!'
'WTF?' thought Maryione. 'Who's this Riddle bloke?' She scratched her tender pink scalp flesh with a long sharp nail, trying to remember where she had heard that name before. 'Tom Marvolo Riddle. I am Lord Voldemort. Who's he again? It does ring a bell somewhere far, far away in Never-Neverland.' Maryione could feel how her mighty brain worked, sending hot pink steam from her elegant, pure-blood to the core, ears. 'Voldemort? Is he a model or smth? Hmmm, neee… A singer? Neee… A president? Nee.'
And then IT hit her.
'OMFG!' screamed Maryione out loud, and she fainted.
The whole of the Great Hall turned silent in shock when their princess passed out with a very quiet thud that made the stone walls of Hogwarts sway and shake. But before anyone else could have reacted, his lordship was already there, lifting our Cinderella up in his strong arms and carrying her away to the Head Dorms. Yes, they have Head Dorms at Hogwarts. There is no point in denying it, they exist! Get over it.
Anyway, the whole of the Great Hall stood in awe at seeing the Prince, scratch, King, scratch, Lord of Ice, that's it, looking down at the drooling, feather-light (I wanna a diet like that as well!) Belle in his arms with genuine care and concern in his normally cold, forest-green, onyx-sparkling, piercing eyes. All of the sudden the New Girl lost some of her tremendous popularity among the female population of Hogwarts. Several groups of girls were falling into each other's arms, crying relentlessly at knowing that their Prince Charming was forever lost to them and a few Slytherin ones were plotting to commit Murder One.
All the boys now knew that they could forget about courting the Lady of Pigs, since it was clear Tom stated his irremovable claim on the young, brilliant woman right there and then. No one would dare to challenge him; no one. Well, except for our daring, dashing, extraordinary blonde, but, alas, Draco-The-Superhero-and-Cleansing-Partner was nowhere to be seen, yet. So right now, it was correct to say that no one would dare to go against the gorgeous, strong, well-built, tall, with a nice six pack and a terrifying, masculine snake tattoo on his muscled chest outfitted, silver earring wearing, I am the best student ever, Head Boy.
Headmaster Dippet nodded approvingly to his favourite student, who took charge of the situation while the teachers were sitting frozen in horror at the sight of the hurt, little, damsel in distress, deer-eyed, unconscious Head Girl. Carefully, Tom carried our fragile and very slim, because of the wonderful diet, Maryione up the stairs to the special Head Dorms Tower in their own special universe.
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A/N: Added disclaimer: No animals, besides Serpie, were damaged during the writing of this shi-…Masterpiece.