Disclaimer: yadiyadiyadi… you know the drill.
Authors' note: we just have to thank our lovely reviewers.
'Serpie, Serpie! Hide the pitchforks quickly!!' Nerys shouts frantically, while pulling a cap over her pointed horns. 'They are on to us.'
Serpie immediately hides said pitchfork behind her back and blinks innocently. 'Who?'
'Someone…,' Nerys whispers as she glares over her shoulder, 'identified us as bitches.'
'NO!!' Serpie shouts devastated.
'Yes, I know,' Nerys cries, 'while we are nice, kind…'
'Friendly, lovely, charming, good…,' Serpie adds, batting her eyelashes.
'And innocent women,' Nerys says, placing a halo above Serpie's head.
'Yes,' Serpie agrees, 'well… except for maybe … that one week of the month…'
'Alright,' Nerys grumbles, 'and when we had a bit too much to drink.'
'Of anything,' Serpie adds, 'and when we have to get up real, real early in the morning.'
'When we have to get up at all,' Nerys realises.
'And there is no coffee for breakfast,' Serpie shivers.
'Or no chocolate in the house.'
'Or when there are no men around and you wanna…'
'Or when they are men around.'
'Or women.'
'Or when we are alone behind a laptop with internet-connection.'
'Yes, that one is dangerous and baaaadddd.'
'Hmmm…' They both look contemplatively.
'We are good when we sleep!' Serpie shouts, glad she finally found proof to our not-bitch-statement.
'But then we dream.'
'Oh yeah,' Serpie says disappointed that is a no-go either. 'What about the four other stages of sleep then?'
Nerys looks up excitedly. 'YES! That is it. See, readers, we – Nerys and Serpie – are SAINTS!'
'It's been proven,' Serpie states satisfied.
Somewhere in a galaxy far, far away… a gathering of fled, angst-ridden, ancient boyfriends mutter amongst one another: 'They obviously never tried to sleep next to themselves in that non-REM phase. Always the kicking and the poking with the limbs. And the loud, demonic snoring. Not to mention the fact they can wake up at any given second.' A shiver runs amongst them, while they thank the Gods they are not on planet Earth anymore.
Anyway, the world thanks all those who reviewed, because they inspired us to write another chapter of this shi… masterpiece. The culprits, otherwise known as our new partners in crime, are: Dadaismo; Blindfaithoperadiva; Lady Miya; ShinketsuKarasu; The-Quoi; Healermolly; Dracosblondiegirl; Lawl; and of course our lovely, yet slightly "out there" authors themselves.
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Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts
Chapter five: The only one he ever loved
Months and months and months had passed, and slowly, Tom began to open up to his new neighbour across the hall: the amazing, all-powerful, saviour of the Wizarding World, Foundress of the new House of Supreme Hierarchy Institution of Truly Talented Esteemed Royalty, Maryione Hermione Dumbledore. She was his match every step of the way, except in Divination. Tom had smirked every time Professor Char Nostradamus had sighed in despair of Maryione's dreadful knowledge and skill of the Sacred, Ancient Art of Divination.
So, the good professor had assigned him – everybody's favourite, top-notch student – to tutor Miss Dumbledore. He had been mocking Maryione when she held his tea cup the wrong way, until she opened her mouth and told him she saw: "yellow eyes on a poisonous green serpent, a huge statue of an old man with a beard that reached his feet, snake pillars, and the strange sentence I am Lord Voldemort". She had glared at him with a triumphant, devious expression on her perfect face with peachy-creamy skin, and he had not questioned her true Divination powers ever again. Nor did he dare to have her read anything concerning his future ever again. Too many secrets he needed to keep hidden.
He stole a shy glance in her direction as they were sitting at the table in their Head Common Room, studying. She was gorgeous with her sparkling stoned doe-shaped eyes of honeydew and maple leaf; her blue and pink highlighted sleek and shiny blond hair falling across the lines of her elegant high cheekbones; the way she made the windows break when she sneezed; or how the room filled with the smell of roses as she farted.
And she was so terrific during Care of Magical Creatures, Tom realised as a little yellow chicken crossed the table, clapping its little yellow wings for the last time, because in a swift move, without looking up from her book, Maryione snatched the chicken's neck in her hand, swung it through the air above her head six times, chanting in the Magic of the Olde, and a pile of McNuggets appeared on a silver, Hobbit-made, platter before her – with sweet-and-sour dip. She was magnificent. Tom sighed.
But when Miss Magnificent looked up, the scary and evil Dark Lord quickly moved his grass-green eyes back on his parchment where his Potions essay should have been instead of a picture of gorgeous Maryione in all the colors of life (Yesss, he can fucking paint too, not only write poetry) and he accidentally knocked the paint over with his artist's Mona Lisa Smile Brush.
He had become incredibly clumsy around her. She made his once-upon-a-time-cold-and-black heart beat more rapidly; his six-pack stomach fluttered; his Mentos fresh breath hatched; he had to wear Libero/Huggies diapers to prevent embarrassing leakages; his shit turned into the bright pink colour of Maryione's house emblem; he forgot about the trip stairs and wore bandages twenty-four/seven now; he almost got bunked from the Quidditch team had the Snitch not flown into his hand during the last match, while he was merely staring at the most gorgeous specimen of a woman he had ever seen; his grades plummeted, because his essays consisted only of little drawn hearts stating "Tom loves Maryione" and "M+T 4eva".
In his wildest dreams, he saw her hugging him, then running away… And Tom would wake up in his shallow, cold, dark, depressing, Goffik room, sobbing quietly into his black linens, just like his aching, bleeding heart, whispering, while his crystal tears quietly ran down his rosy, pale-white cheeks: 'Don't leave me.' All alone in his cold and desperate desperation.
He was just so nervous; he just didn't know how to act normally anymore and it was getting on his nerves that his nerves made him so nervous that he was just so nervously incapacitated which was a very nervous situation. He was The Heir of Slytherin; he was gonna be the most voguish, hip wizard eva; he was Head Boy and Student Extraordinary; he was Lo-Lo-Lollipop – no – Lo-Lo-Lord Vo-Vo-Volvo…
Tom halted there - since that would be too easy a joke, even for your Pulitzer price winning authors: Serpie and Nerys. Tom just couldn't think The Name anymore. It was evil. But it was what he dreamed of becoming. It was who he was, is, should be, will be… Abruptly, he stood up and raced to the green and silver bathroom to vomit into his now secretly secretive fetish- a golden toilet seat with one lonesome and all alone pink feather left. All alone just like him. He would hug the toilet seat that still kept the scent and the heat of Maryione who spent hours with her 'Mermaid Mouth' as Tom once accidentally heard Maryione call the toilet seat while he was lying on the floor near the door to the bathroom, listening. He would hug the seat at nights when the nightmares of his unhappy lonely past kept him awake and when his favourite teddy-bear was already soaked with Tom's crystal clear tears. He loved the seat that kept a part of Maryione. He even wanted to turn it to a horcrux, but the very idea of somehow damaging Maryione's precious 'Mermaid's Mouth' was so painful and intolerable, that Tom started weeping all over again.
His stomach was so upset; he didn't know what to do anymore. He became desperate in his despair. He always wanted to be feared and to keep his cool, but this Princess had pricked through his steel armour of Goblin-Made-Glass and shattered it.
He remembered the first time she had seen his bedroom. She had come in to lend a Divination's book she didn't have and naturally he had the ONLY copy of the school library. Her smile warmed and lighted up his room as he had given it to her. He would do anything for his girl. She had looked around before patting him on the head and telling him it was just a phase and all would be better in the future. Then, she left, placing a soft sexxxy kiss on her manicured hand and blowing it to him by air as she departed. His heart had swelled up at her gesture and verbal response. She understood! Tommy had cried for hours after that, hugging his secret, black teddy bear that wore a little pink jumper adorned with a platinum pig. The bear was also very lonely and Emo!
And now, he felt sick to his stomach. He wanted to be himself again; strong, powerful, masculine, and bad to the bone. YES! It is I, Lord Voldemort! That was his identity and he needed Lord Voldemort; he desperately needed him (as do the writers of this bullsh… canon-consistent story). And he heaved once more into the loo.
Suddenly, soft hands pressed a cold, damp cloth against his forehead. Two arms hugged him gently.
'You don't have to be him anymore,' Maryione whispered knowingly. 'I love you, Tom, and I will never leave you.'
He buried his head in her voluminous chest and cried his eyes out. 'I-I lu-lu-luv you too,' he stuttered.
And they became boyfriend and girlfriend.
Tom and Maryione were leaving the bathroom when a sparkle, sparkling bit of magic shined through the air and a second, once-black-but-now-a-happy-green feather hugged the lonely pink one on the toilet seat: soul mates together at last!
(insert Authors ran to their bathrooms…That shit is just toooooo much!)
XXX
Tom woke up and he felt his heart jump to the ceiling - he was not alone anymore, he had Maryione! While getting ready to face the day, Tom quietly came to Maryione's door and sat on the floor, crying from happiness. The loud snoring from behind the door told him that his Princess was still asleep.
'Sleep well, my beauty, my happiness, my love,' Tom whispered and fell asleep as well. Guarding his treasure.
With a particularly loud snore, Maryione woke up. Happily removing her 'Ant-made-woollen' night gown, Maryione tried to remember why this day was so particularly particular.
'It's the Ball, bitches!' roared Maryione to the little yellow chickens that had special resurrection powers and returned from the deepest depths of Hades underworld's shit every night.
Happily smiling, Maryione went over the details once more. She was responsible for the ball and everything just HAD to be perfect. Because she had a boyfriend and was a girlfriend now.
Yessss…It was the time for The Ball. A masquerade ball! ('Oh, dear god, please no,' Nerys sighs, while an evil cackling Serpie types on.)
XXX
Looking over her entire appearance once more, Maryione decided that she did look wonderful.
'No one will eva recognize me,' Maryione thought looking at her Banana dress. It was a very expensive Gucci outfit that she had to order for the 'No time limits' special magazine for special witches from the 46th century. It was a sparkling banana that covered her from head to toes. The glittering yellow color was illuminated by 175753487520387556 small electric lamps designed by King Abu Mustafa Aziz Ibn Rashid Al-Jahar for the new Gucci line. The material was not a Goblin-made-Glass, or Troll-made-Silk, nor was it Vampire-bitten-whatever. It was hi-tech plastic titanium designed for the space shuttles and underground machines used in the 78th century. The shape was so banana that bananas died of envy when they looked at the dressed up Maryione. Her shoes- specially designed army boots made of 'Darkest Coco-wood' had huge platforms with pointed noses (what do shoes have?) and glittering diamonds. The best part of the outfit, and the one that Maryione liked the most, was a huge Pineapple on the top of the top of toppest banana. The pineapple was huge- made of crystal tears and diamonds, it illuminated the room even better than the 175753487520387556 electric lamps on her hi-tech plastic titanium banana-dress.
A small 'bimbim' sound let Maryione know that someone had written her a message in MSN. Quickly grabbing her pink diamond Pavillion HP, Maryione typed a reply.
--
DA MAN
"LOL, yo, bitch! Wazzup?"
Toilet-seat-I-luf-u!
"Yo! Wanna hang out 2day? So cool, LOL. Da best paaaarty, dude!"
DA MAN
"Duh, WTF? Why didn't ya sms me b4? I need a cool outfit, luff"
Toilet-seat-I-luf-u!
" Dude, be cool! I'm waiting in Hogwarts, in 1945.'
DA MAN
"Yo! luvv 40s"
Toilet-seat-I-luf-u!
"Got boyfriend"
DA MAN
"…"
Toilet-seat-I-luf-you
"Draco-poo?"
DA MAN
"(insert crying smiley) Who?"
Toilet-seat-I-luf-you
"Me and Tom are Boyfriend and Girlfriend"
Hack-bitch Weasel-Ho!
"Tom Who"
Toilet-seat-I-luf-you
"Riddle, Tom Riddle. Don't be late 2night, luff, cus I wanna paaarty!"
DA MAN
"No problemos, luff. Hasta la vista, baby!"
Toilet-seat-I-luf-u!
"ROFL"
Da MAN
"Lolz"
Hack-bitch Weasel-Ho!
"Nooooooooo!!"
--
And Draco's brand-new state-of-the-art Nokia N95 exploded leaving him lost without his GPS and internet-connection. Damn those providers for making him lose his one link to Maryione!
Finally satisfied, Maryione left her room to greet the guests she had invited. She was more than sure that everyone would turn up since she was best friends with all of them.
And they were still boyfriend and girlfriend.
XXX
Tom had been equally busy to prepare. After witnessing Maryione cast so many powerful and impressive Decoration Charms of the Olde and Ancient Ones, he was struck with awe. Never before had Tom Riddle been impressed by someone creating Enchanted Mistletoe, Sparkling Stars, Hovering Red Pumpkins, Pirate Flags and all other things that were just vital to the every day existence of the Bold and the Beyond. But Maryione had changed him so much. A happy sob sounded through the room and Tom wiped a lonely teardrop of happiness of his gorgeous happily cheek that was – yes – happier than ever. Checking himself over in the mirror, Tom felt he looked smashing. Nagini Five – a gift from His Girl – slither underneath the bed with wide eyes. Tom decided Nagini also felt he was a sight for sore eyes.
Tom prepared to leave, but he needed to know the time. Alas he had given his priceless Mickey Mouse Watch to Maryione. The look on her face, when she pulled the pink ribbon of the box and opened it, would remain stained in his memory forever.
'Oh Tom,' Maryione had cried.
And they hugged. It was worth loosing his long-loved possession for. Because they were boyfriend and girlfriend.
Tom decided to leave anyway. He had to go to the centre of the centre of the heart of the central London to get his new car to go to the dance in. So, looking around the room, Tom found it! His ticket to London, the very secret transportation by Porky. No one, not even Jo Rowling had been in on this mysterious device. Yes, a pink Pig-Key was the best invention ever. It was a fabulous means of Wizarding Transport to get him to the dealer.
Quickly, Tom opened the door of the dashing silver Aston Martin convertible. On the hood his Snake-and-Skull insignia was spray-painted handmade in the colour of his dashing emerald eyes. Green leather seats hugged his hips and lean form while he turned the key and the engine started with a deep roar of power. Putting the pedal to the metal, Tom shifted the gear in rev and raced backwards out of the shop with screaming tires. He was soooo cool. Because… - yes - he was A Boyfriend!
A very sexily looking female with flaming red hair made of the tons and tons of extensions jumped right under the wheels when Tom's Aston Martin was doing the hip-hop moves (Yo, Nerys. How do you call the shit the car does when some rappers sit inside and just sway up and down, up and down?). (I am 36 how the beep should I know?)
The female sex-bomb had breast size E plus, a tiny waist and long legs. A small blue miniskirt and a rep top suited her just fine. High heeled boots on HUGE high heels and the words ZEXXXY FERTILE PUREBLOOD MOMMA on the front of the outfit, made Tom want to drool.
'I am faithful, my love,' Tom whispered and drove over the seducing bitch once more. (Yesss, our love for Ginny is magnificent).
Tom knew in all his swelled up, pounding heart that Maryione and he would remain Boyfriend and Girlfriend foreva.
XXX
'You drive me craaaazy, I just can't sleep' was heard from the Great Hall when Maryione entered on her favourite horse – Fartomus - wearing her smashingly gorgeous Gucci Banana dress.
'Muchachita!!' cried a very weirdly looking man upon noticing Maryione.
'Jack!' roared the Princess when she saw her dearest friend - Jack Sparrow - run towards her.
They had a very 'fun' holiday together just a few months ago and now they were best friends.
'Oops, I did it again. I played with your heart…' boomed when Maryione kissed Gandalf and hugged Garfield.
'I can't get no…satisfaction…' and Maryione was now dancing with Legolas and Mickey Mouse. She flashed him her priceless new Mickey Mouse watch, and he was so happy Maryione wore one in her banana Gucci outfit that Mickey donated Disney watches to everyone. Tom got a Goofy one and he was absolutely delighted to get a new fine piece of jewellery from Euro-Disney. (No, Serpie back then it was still called Euro-Disney not Disneyland Paris. Tsk, tsk, tsk, do get the time era correctly.)
A small boy, presumably a first year (but you never know what kind of shit came from different universes) was drooling while looking at Britney Spears on the stage.
With a glare full of hatred, our sweet, innocent savour pointed her Life and Death and Diamond and Pig wand at the singer and cast a non-verbal Mage Level curse that made Britney's voice disappear.
'My turn,' the Princess smirked and marched to the stage.
In a couple of minutes everyone in the Hall, and that was more than 5976408977 people, were hypnotized by Maryione's voice and the steady drumming Nerys with slithering in a perfectly perfect break-dancing Serpie. Severus Snape of the Black Pussy Backstreet Gang immediately joined them and they rocked the Great Hall down.
And then THEY entered- A Spiderman and a red-headed Porn-star with tire marks all over her sexy belly. Tom glared at the new couple entering. Who were they? And most of all, why was that blond guy hugging HIS Maryione? If he didn't know Abraxas Zorro was eating Walburga's face, he would have thought his Walpurgian Knight had made a fatal error.
Eyes flashing the colour of a tasty porky, Tom Riddle moved forwards. After all, they were boyfriend and girlfriend.
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A/N: AWWWWW...REVIEW!! vomitsssss