Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts
Disclaimer :
S: So, Nerys, how about we move to the Maldives or Hawaii?
N: Serpie, you idiot, we still don't own Harry Potter and what does that mean?
S: Tough luck?
N: Just shut up and type.
Since nothing belongs to us, except Maryione and her chickens (which brings us no pennies whatsoever), we're still unhappy and envious of JKR and all her money. :insert loud sobs:
A/N: yes, yes, dear readers, we're back! We are even better than before! We are well aware that we're a little bit touched in the head, but hey, look at Voldie!
If you have a feeling that you've read (or heard) some of the parts somewhere (being sung before), then WE'RE GOOOOOD and you may get a cookie.
With thanks to our reviewers for stimulating us to write more and more and more and more: Lady Miya; JammyTart333; HadaRogue; Ankoku Dezaia; Shinketsu Karasu; The-Quoi; Dracosblondiegirl and Killtheenviousmoon.
And with a huge kiss to all those at GE-forum for supplying us with a list of pet peeves in sex scenes. We tried to get them all. XD
Warning: All the little underaged children may exit the vehicle now! Also the faint hearted and easily distressed ones, please press the first arrow at the top of your screen on the left! This is where we enter the Land of M-Rating. Don't believe us? See for yourself. But be warned... we are not liable to any and all damages done to your poor eyes and soul upon reading this lemony chapter.
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Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts
Chapter six: Take my sax away
Maryione Hermito Superfly sat desperate in her now cold, dark and lonely bedroom. All the colours of life had faded when Tom, her Tommy-poo, had not been nice to Draco, her Dragon. Her perfectly perfected perfect world shattered and fell apart in a matter of minutes. So, she clutched on to her secret white teddy bear that wore a green jumper with a silver snake. Her tanned and muscular, but not overly - she didn't like body-building very much, arms squeezed the little fluffy Teddy tightly to her E-sized chest; and the bear, feeling how emo Maryione was, let a sparkling lonesome tear slip down its furry cheek - for it knew loneliness and Maryione was crushing the sawdust together that made up her lovely bear-forms.
Once upon a long, long time ago, when Nerys and Serpie still walked under the table, Teddy had a dear companion; but they were roughly separated in the shops and Teddy had no idea where her soul-bear had been taken. She still missed his soft black fur touching her white paw; and the way his ruby eyes mirrored her sapphire ones – or his daring pink jumper with that marvellous platinum pig on it. Teddy had never given up hope to see Him (she didn't even know his name!) again. But years had passed, and Teddy became lost in the jungle of HP-fanfiction.
This would not a happy ending be, Teddy thought, sobbing.
--
'I must do it for you, my love, my princess, my life.' Quietly sobbing, Tom Riddle, aka the Master of a Brush, moved forward a bit so he could reach the darkest corners of the Astronomy Tower. The brush in his hand felt so heavy, but he kept cleaning the dirt from the old stones on all fours, like a common muggle. (Nerys, how do you clean your house? Cause I do it THAT way…sob) - (Serpie, I pretend dust is a figment of my imagination).
Scrubbing the dirt, Tom recalled how his happy, pinky life was destroyed in a second when Maryione declared that he had hurt her feelings and she was leaving him.
Flashback.
Tom was dancing with the red-haired cunt… uh no, I mean Ginny. Her slim body in her zexy outfit that looked like a pair of strings stretched out to accommodate huge tits and other stuff (I kinda forgot what she was wearing, and Nerys said 'Fuck it', so don't ask) made him wanna make her ride his rod, but he was a boyfriend now, so he wasn't allowed. He was very proud of this excellent Prince Charming self-restraint he embodied, now. Finally, Tom Riddle had been redeemed and had turned toward the light.
'I want to show you my Chamber of Secrets, Toooom,' the sex-bomb moaned, while massaging his pants.
'Huh? You're another Heir of Slytherin?' Tom asked in an amazed voice.
'No, you potato-head… But, I can give you one,' Ginny-the-Ho whispered into his sweet ear.
Just when Tom was about to ask what she meant he saw that his Maryione was dancing strip-tease on the table and some blond idiot was touching her.
Like a tornado, or better yet - with the speed of diarrhea wanting to leave your body in a crowded place, Tom rushed towards the bastard. Maryione was HIS girlfriend!
'What do you want with Maryione?' Tom asked the blond fuck, oopsi…, the blond boy who was not only hugging Maryione's slim, like very-very-very-very slim waist, but he was also whispering something into her sea-shell-like ear.
'Yo, dude. Come, relax,' lazily drawled Draconis Malfoy, while Maryione laughed like a horse.
'Keep your hands away from my girlfriend!' Tom whined when the Blond Slug put his two fingers into Maryione's zexxyy mouth.
'You…you…you…duck!' Tom screamed and then added, 'Yes, you slimy duck!'
'How dare you!' roared the most powerful and coolest wizard (in the dreamland where Draconis' fans lived) and pointed his Fuck-knows-what-made-of wand at Tom's scared face and hisssssed:
'Burhanduchardudududubooo Huhulipopiinugraaarwoyinhooos Maximum!'
But Tom was just as cool as Dwaco (Nerys, it's not a typo, it's like inspirational shit), so he of course knew the counter curse.
'Bibibihuhugooookykipoerwasokikiki Pororororoiiikkiiititititevoooooos Protegisus Supersisus', Tom roared.
Only Nerys (I do?) and Serpie know what would have happened had it not been for Maryione with her super Magick of the Olde and Ancient Ones that stopped the curses from colliding.
After that, she turned to Tom and said haughtily (because she was very upset he had tried to hurt Da Amazing Dwawa-Poo):
'I am done with you, you ungrateful and impolite boy!'
And his happy life was over.
End flashback
After that Tom decided that he would do anything to have his girlfriend back. As he knew very well, Maryione loved nature, so he decided to clean Hogwarts and the surroundings by hand, without using Magic to prove how much he loved her.
So, after Tom spent several days cleaning out the garbage from the bottom of the lake, doing the scuba-diving, he worked on his newly purchased tractor to collect all the old grass from the fields of Hogwarts after he was done chopping trees – including the Whomping Willow that mysteriously had arrived in the nineteen-forties.
Trun-trun-trun-trun…
'Oh, no!' Tom thought devastated. His Bigga-Man, his new tractor broke down because of the chickens that ran around the tractor. And now, one was caught inside the machine. Maryione would be devastated if he killed one of her precious yellow, wing-clapping, pets. She would never luv him again if he had to bring her the corpse of her most faithful followers.
Having called Abraxas Malfoy (who had all the answers as true Malfoys do), Tom laid on the grass and stared at the Goblin-made-glass sky that resembled Maryione's silky anus…
He was going to have to make it up to her.
A light-bulb flashed above his Heir of Slytherin head. She could have his most prized possession – his only source of comfort in dark, dark times. She could have his cuddly toy! That would make her love him again.
Tom knew they would be boyfriend and girlfriend 4eva.
--
Maryione dried her tears of fine wine and vinegar with her precious gold monogrammed handkerchief of spidery cobwebbed silk. Disbelievingly, she stared at Tom who had told her she could have his teddy bear. Blowing her nose with the sound of the Concorde flying through the sound barrier, she asked, touched deeply into her small, hurt heart:
'Do you mean it?'
'Of course, I want you to have it forever,' Tom said, crying inside that he had hurt his luv so much that she was in fetal position on the ground of her dim bedroom. 'It is a token of my love for you, because I have changed, my luv. You have changed me. You were my strength when I was weak. You were my voice when I couldn't speak. You were my eyes when I couldn't see. You saw the best there was in me. Lifted me up when I couldn't reach - you gave me faith 'coz you believed. I'm everything I am, because you loved me. Will you have me back?' he asked with his trembling lips.
Maryione swooned at his wonderful words; and all the members of Emo Land were gay, joyful and happy, cheering that the world had been saved from such dark evil.
'Make love with me – my love, my life, my queen and saviour?' Tom asked Maryione.
Doubtful, Maryione Hermione Dumbledore looked at her Prince Charming. Could she really trust him with her sacred and well-saved, almost shriveled dry, holier than holy sanctuary? Wasn't she supposed to be married first and then just do it to have babies? Her papa always told her to wait. But her papa wasn't here. And uncle Vinny wasn't either. What if Tom would hurt her – just as uncle Vinny tried to do? She shivered.
'Trust me,' Tom said; and he held out his toned, tanned hand, trembling slightly – unsure she would take it.
Shyly and uncertain, Maryione looked into his deep reassuring eyes. Slowly, she loosened her limbs from their crouched position and reached out her hand to Tom. He took it (No! – Yes) and she gracefully trailed behind him, secretly holding on to Teddy's rear paw for comfort. As Tom guided her into his bedroom, Maryione was shaking fearfully – for she had defended her purity and untainted blazon with the fervency of a right-winged, crazed, religious fanatic; and therefore, she wore an unbreakable armour of Goblin-Made-Glass which could only be opened by one key that the Gods had supplied to Mr Right, the Keeper of Loooove, first name Always.
Tom, keeping a firm hold of her hand, pulled her all the way around his bed and there – on top of his bookshelves – it lay. Maryione gasped when she saw the little black bear, and a loud squeal of happiness came from the bear in her hand. Tom held out his bear to her and Maryione accepted it, watching both bears in her hands in amazement.
'What's his name?' Maryione asked Tom to Teddy's delight (finally, she would know too).
'Bear,' Tom said, smiling. (A/N: Our Lord is so good with names, isn't he Serpie?) (Serpie roars with laughter…Nagini 1,2,3 and Da Bear)
'Hello, Bear,' Maryione crowed, 'meet Teddy.'
And she pushed the bears' noses together to pretend they were giving each other a kiss. But both bears quickly clamped their paws together and they were never letting go, ever again. They were soul-bears after all.
'Teddy!' Bear said happily. 'I missed you.'
'Bear!' Teddy shouted. 'Me too. I have been hoping to see you again for so many years now.'
'I love you,' Bear said, hugging his soul-bear-partner.
'I love you too,' Teddy replied. 'Let's make hot passionate reunion bear sex.'
'Awww…,' Maryione swooned, while the two bears were eating each other's face. 'Look how cute they are together, Tom.'
'Very cute, but not nearly as cute as you,' Tom agreed, stroking Maryione's beautiful, perfect face before taking the bears from her and placing them on the vanity.
His eyes gleamed with hot passionate luv when he turned back towards her. Maryione shivered in a mixture of excitement and fright, because she was a timid little damsel - as she burped loudly, breaking all the windows in the castle and beyond.
That was sooooo cool, Tom decided, ripping of Maryione's expensive clothes in heats of hot unsanctioned hotness.
Maryione, having decided she was Da Bitch again, repaid the favour by getting Tom's one chest hair (that he missed shaving, due to his distress over losing the luv of his life) stuck in between the zipper of her jacket.
'Ouch…'
It became a mixture of arms, legs, limbs, heads and clothes.
'Umm…'
'No wait, let me try that.'
'Arh.'
'O-Um- Ooph.'
'Oh no, this is not right,' Maryione said, looking at Tom in her outfit, while she wore his.
'We're wizards!' Tom shouted.
Shocked, Maryione checked her pants and let out a relieved sigh. She was still a witch. Tom pulled his wand (no, the other one people; tsk tsk tsk. Serpie, we have strange readers) and waved it around:
'Evanesco clothes!'
Maryione turned bright red, hotter than the hottest chilly tomato, when Tom looked at her prized jewel of Purity Divine.
'What's that, luv?' Tom asked, frowning.
'My pure chastity belt that will protect me from my evil feminine wiles,' Maryione whispered. 'It can only be opened by He-Who-Truly-Loves-And-Honours-Me-And-Will-Do-The-Right-Thing-And-Marry-Me-So-We-Can-Be-(Un)Happy-Forever-After-We-Shagged-Once-And-Got-Unlucky.'
'I can be He-Who-Truly-Loves-And-Honours-You-And-Will-Do-The-Right-Thing-And-Marry-You-So-We-Can-Be-(Un)Happy-Forever-After-We-Shagged-Once-And-Got-Unlucky, luv,' Tom responded.
He pointed to the two bears who were a sign from the Heavens up above that they belonged together, and those bears were not wasting time on frivolous matters. They were getting it on in missionary position, having already performed the 69 stuff happily.
Maryione blushed tremendously. He wasn't expecting her to do that, was he?
Sensing her embarrassment, Tom stepped forward and took her head in his hands. 'Don't worry, my Princess, I will do right by you,' he said before kissing her softly on the lips.
Maryione squealed happily and jumped into his arms.
'Ouch,' Tom groaned when his happy member impacted against the solid contraction of Maryione's chastity belt, and they tumbled onto the bed. A short, high squeak sounded and a little yellow chicken – that had foolishly come to rest on Tom's Slytherin inherited bed – was no more.
Tom rolled Maryione over, dumped the chicken on the floor for Nagini Twelve, and got on top of his soul-princess-of-the-heart. He kissed her softly in that sensitive place of her neck.
Maryione moaned – he was sooooo good. 'But what about the lock of my pussy vault?'
A small smile flew over Tom's face as he checked out the strongest protection ever made in mankind. He had the answer to all pussy vaults with codes, riddles and dragons. 'I know just the thing,' he replied, and he slipped it down over Maryione's legs.
'I never thought of that!' Maryione squealed cheerfully.
Her lover was soooo smart. Not even Draco had come up with that solution. Yeah, our pure demure virgin had never tried to have sex before.
'Will you be careful, Tom?' Maryione asked, looking at his huge mushroom head cock afraid. She was sure it was never gonna fit, ever. (No worries, dear readers, we'll squeeze it in somehow…).
Tom held her tightly in his strong muscular arms and laid her down on the Mice-eaten-fleas-bitten bed – like only true royalty could.
A loud crack sounded when the mirror of the vanity broke due to the violent intercourse of the bears. 'Oh yess, Teddy, yessss.'
'Ohhhhh, Bear!'
Both bears shook violently and came in a shout of passion.
'Of course, my darling, my princess, my everything,' answered Tom, reassuring Maryione, and he impaled her roughly.
Maryione cried out in absolute agony when her holy membrane was ruptured and she bled waves and waves of bloody fluids. Crystal tears were flowing down her cheeks as she sobbed. And Tom caressed her softly and kissed her on the nose to make it better.
'It will be over soon, honey,' he whispered, lovingly.
It was innie – outtie, innie – outtie; and Maryione threw her head back in delight. 'Oh Tom, make me cum!'
'Yessss, cum for me,' Tom hissed.
The bears had changed position on the vanity and were now trying out the old doggie-style position to much satisfaction. The vanity was dancing around Tom's chamber from their movements of pleasure.
Waves of orgasmic pleasure rolled over Tom and Maryione as she milked his rod. His Love Juice mixed with the blood of her ruptured -not so pure- core on their climax, and they crashed into each other's arms, exhausted and satisfied.
The bears were hanging from the ceiling; sucking, nibbling, kissing, trusting, pumping, swish-swush - swish-swush - swish-swush.
'Tom?'
'Yes?'
'You are the best,' Maryione said, snuggling against him.
'You too,' Tom said, snuggling up against her.
The bears were doing it up against the wall.
'Tom?'
'Yes, dear.'
'My unmentionable is bleeding.'
'That is normal,' said Tom, as they floated through the room on the fluids of their cum and Maryione's ex-virginal blood.
Teddy was whipping Bear in a tight leather bear-outfit.
'Tom.'
'Yes, dear.'
'It burns down there.'
Tom got the fire hose.
Bear was riding Teddy's back. Yihaa! Rawhide!
'Tom.'
'Yes, dear.'
'I need you inside of me.'
Tom recalled the wise words of a kind old monk. 'Close your eyes; let go of all feelings, thoughts and emotions…'
'May the Force be with you,' Maryione finished, delighted he knew the Origin of the Force of Nature's Magic too.
And they fell into each other's arms, with Maryione's nails flashing in the brightest of rainbow colored colours, thinking they would be happy always. Obi Wan looked down proudly, he knew all was well.
Teddy was performing fellatio on Bear.
--
Deep down in the Slytherin common room a black owl with blond highlighted feathers landed in front of Abraxas Malfoy with a dun dun dun eerily appearing letter. Small droplets of blood fell from the envelope as Abraxas opened it with sheer excitement. His highly connected family always supplied him with the answer to all his problems, always. Quickly, he read over the letter with the Malfoy family crest of the –vomit– Peacock.
YES! That little bitch of SHITTER House was a fraud, a phoney, a mistress of lies and deception. Abraxas Malfoy had always known there was no Hermione Maryione Dumbledore and this proved it. His Lord had taken a Mudblood as his girlfriend! Oh the horrors!
Now, all the Knights would follow him. It was time for a new leader, a True Leader of Men. It was time for Duke From Baxalayas to reign supreme!