Disclaimer: 'What the fuck is that?'
'It's when you tell someone you're not Rowling and don't own the Potterverse,' an innocent bystander informs the crazy ass authors.
'Because there are actually morons out there who think SHE wrote this?' the crazy ass authors exclaim in tandem, roaring over the ground clutching to their bellies with laughter.
'No,' the innocant bystander continues calmly, 'because you have to explain that you get no money from this, so nobody gets sued.'
'Because there are actually morons out there who think that we get paid for THIS?'
The innocent bystander gives up while the crazy ass authors roar on.

A/N: Now, normally you're supposed to thank your reviewers and such, but we just can't be bothered by such insignificant details. Go read the chapter and review; otherwise, we'll hunt you down and spam and troll all over you.

Beta: Well, she read along. And she tried. But we kept changing her stuff back, since obviously, she has no idea how to spell in English being an American. ;p
We rock! We perfect! We no need stinking Beta!

(Beta: Yes, and they are sending me back to English classes. And I am officially a donkey now ... Are there English classes for donkeys? *is stumped* *goes back to eating ...* What do donkeys eat again, Nerys?) (Nerys would have to research that and is still a lazy arse, so decides to ignore said comment)

xxx

Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts

Chapter Seven: Limbo Rock

A flash. A powerful blast, even more powerful than her latest fart in the Master Room of the SHITTER house which blew the three brought back to life by the power of love yellow chickens out of the fucking balcony where gnomes in the uniform cleaned the strawberry bushes (OMFG, Nerys, WTF am I writing?). Now, the three yellow chickens were in the same place as she was after that bastardy bastard Malfoy had used a Gryffindor sword to throw her from the Astronomy Tower. Her magical phoenix animagus form was damaged somewhat, Hermione (scratch that, she's not in the story) Maryione found herself on the ground. Like, on the ground from the fall, in case somebody here is stupid. Duh. She was not dead and not alive.

She was THERE.

Maryione's (enter her huge long name which we, lazy old bitches, forgot) current environment was dreary, moist, green and above all filthy. This was not how it was supposed to happen.

No, definitely not.

Sues never die, EVA. And she was the biggest Sue of all, making this a greenish hell or ... a dream. Yes, a dream! But a weird one, where she wasn't in charge. She was always in charge, except when reflecting on her dreary sad sad and cruel past. Then, she was above all helpless and supa!emo, letting a single teardrop fall on her rosy sleek freshly shaved cheek silently into the green something around her.

'WTF!' our beautiful, sensitive, smashing! (use thesaurus yourselves, we are too lazy to search for any other adjectives) lead exclaimed dramatically.

Why was she here? Where was she? And why were her arms and legs tied up with some disgusting polyester ropes! Polyester - so, so, so common and just ewwie. It didn't match with her priceless, silk outfit of the Cuckoofutton (WTF, Nerys? Dressing that bitch up is my role! Serpie pouts dramatically) Designer Project Catwalk Clan Manifesto and it wracked her princess's skin. Spots were already erupting everywhere. The horror! Oh woes!

'Ah, finally, the SHITTER princess awakens,' a very, very, very, very, VERY evil and dangerous voice spoke mockingly from the shadows between the huge snake statues. It sounded EVIL, like EVIL from something so EVIL that she couldn't bring her fried, scratch, magnificent brains to grab the idea of what she was thinking and Serpie writing.

The other Serp (not the European one) spit out her Cola when she found out that she was mentioned in this shit. For no reason at all, WE just love to bring random characters into this mess, for we shall not suffer alone.

Out glided a tall, 8 foot long troll, scratch that, imposing figure wearing royal robes of deep green velvet and gold threads (since Nerys is color-blind, then you DO understand that he was wearing RED and silver, Serpie adds mockingly) ; his striking, soft, gorgeously hot curly blond hair carried his neo-platinum pointed crown decorated with ... dun dun dun ... all types of jewels. (A/N: Now before you let out the relieved sigh, the description is not done yet.) He had emeralds, rubies, diamonds, zircons, and yes, even Swarofski or Svarovski or Smarovski Crystals! (AN from Serpie. NO FUCKING WAY! I am Da Decorator!). He had smashingly brilliant..emmm...EARS! made of YESSSS, the Goblin thingy and they shined even brighter than Maryione's fake Chinese ones.

(Eh, Nerys objected, I already USED the teeth description later on. Points down.) (Serpie points up to the EARS thingy. Buy new glasses.) Nerys runs to the store.

Maryione's red lips opened to let out a sparkling waterfall of drool in envy of such luscious and cool sparkles. Nobody but her was allowed such extravaganza in her presenty presence. Not even Ginny-the-Ho, who had recently received an upgrade to the Ho's-the-mistresses.

In his most elegant, royal hand, the eviler than evil blond held a scepter, on top of which it had a carved ferret slash peacock made of ... YES! ... Goblin-made-glass. The Goblin shit ferret slash peacock had icy blue eyes, made of who the fuck cares as long as you recall it's expensive.

(A/N from Serpie...Nerys, you lazy ass: decorate! Or I will...and happily decorates the thingy).

It was so expensove that the peacock had a pea made of blue royal diamond and the cock part was a solid Goblin Glass molded together in the far far galaxies of the Universe before the Empire stricked back and the Jedites had to retire. Icy blue eyes were made of...I don't know and I don't care anymore. Fuck this shit...I join Nerys in the la-la-I-don't-give-a-fuck world. Let your imagination run wild. Just remember one thing: expensive.

Yes, everything the Duke From Baxalayas did was costly. Even to us writers, er..., especially to us writers. (Serpie, can't we just kill him?) (No crazy Nerys, you do remember how tremendously powerful all Malfoys are, asks Serpie thinking that it had been Aro or how the blondie in the Sparkles was called? OK, a Malfoy, then a Malfoy. Serpie also doesn't give a fuck which OOC to screw up. Tsk, tsk, tsk, silly Dutch woman. Now go and type.)

Nerys sobs loudly, while Serpie cackles scratching her also blond locks on the scalp...where were we? A, yes.

With his set of white straight razorsharp teeth (Goblin made!), he reminded her of a vampire - NO FANGS! - as he closed in on her poor defenceless damsel in distress helpless where is my knight in shining armour chesty feminine body. Shivering scared, her baby blue eyes batted at him for mercy. (I understand that you're old, Nerys, but come on, bitch, at least please do make an effort to remember that Maryione's eyes are CARAMEL or what ever color, but not BLUE! Serpie rants angrily...like really..duh)

Where was her Tom? Her hero. Her Tuxedo-Mask (yes, bitches, Serpie loves Sailor Moon). Her amazing masturbation dream? What was she doing here with some out-of-the-blue, suddenly important character that was hardly mentioned before at all in this entire story. (He wasn't mentioned. I still don't know who the fuck it is exactly, Serpie adds nodding. Nerys points to last chapter ending where he miraculously appeared.)

Plotdevice, Maryione cleverly deduced.

Yes, sometimes her brain could function. Though, it rarely lasted for more than five seconds. The last time it did, she found out she could do a super powerful protection charm. The Love Shield was her new invention.

Still, this was supposed to be the tomione section of FFnet. WTF was that blond, infinitely hot, male specimen doing here?

Nobody in their right mind knew the answer to that (Serp-not-the-European one can stop giggling, you're also included into the 'touched in the head' group), so we won't even try to explain it to you, dear readers. Be glad this story's not littered with greasy-haired gits, too. Sometimes, there are MORE than ONE of those hottier than hottiest Snip-snapmasters around in the tomione verse. Yes, VTM, it's never wise to tempt us. (Serpie sometimes likes Snape-Hermione though!) (Speak for yourself Serpie the European One, Nerys huffs, tossing her own greasy hair through the air as in airless with grease dumping everywhere, and no, that's not attractive at all PEOPLE!).

Anyways ... dun dun dun ... The situation was dire. Since non of the authors remembered anything they have written so far, as is normal in fics as wonderful as these. And they had no clue what they were writing, so...It WAS dire. Or is dire or had been dire or whatever dire. Dire, dire, dire, all the way.

Despair took over Maryione as she realised, her sweet sweeter than strawberry with ice-cream candy Tom aka the Emo! would be all alone now. She'd left him AFTER they'd fought over nothing. And now *teardrop* she'd no more chance to make it up to him or tell him she was preggies with his heir baby twin boys. Sad, hah. Yes, we know how to make our readers cry or pull their hair out in frustration.

'You're nothing but a filthy Mudblood and I will rule the world 4eva!' the blond nut boomed, cackling evilly, just like Nerys does when she eats ice-cream and cookies. (Now, Nerys is hungry and runs to the fridge)

Her baby blue eyes (Fuck this, Serpie announces. Blue- then blue. Who cares anyway. Serpie leaves the fucking BLUE eyes alone. Nerys: Eh, I was sure we gave her a make-over when she got to the past with her blonde hair and all, remember? nudge, nudge, wink, wink) widened even further. How dare he say that about her? She was no stinking Mudblood. She was ... again with the long name ... and heiress to ... again, too many famous ancestors (just skip back to previous chapter if you're desperate to know) ... and she was DA Sue!

'At least I know not to match green with gold,' Maryione deadpanned (She, like Nerys, was also color-blind), causing the blond nutter who was still hot and handsome, too, to stagger in shock. 'And who the Gordon Ramsey are you?'

(Bitch Nerys decided to mock Serpie, Serpie knows that, as Serpie told Nerys a secret, that Serpie adores and luvvs the Fs that the master chef produces all the time non stop. Damn, gotta love him, you donkeys!)

Now the blond almost died. (Eh, Nerys, I thought this was limbo, which means they are dead already, right?) (Shut up, Serpie, and type. BTW, it totally depends. Some conveniently are still alive and others not. We just don't specify the terms of our environment too precisely).(Nerys, we don't specify a shit in this story, in case you forgot. I personally have no fucking clue as to what the fuck I am writing now) (Which is quiet normal for you, Nerys deadpans)

Insert cat fight: Estonia versus the Netherlands. No Cullen versus those Italian suckers style, but real fighting people, no chatting; nails out, hair pulling, and blood everywhere.

Many hours later, Taiwan has won and typing commences, ALAS.

'I am Duke From Baxalayas Supreme!' the blond squeaked from the moist ground to where he'd fallen. He just fell, we haven't info as to why, or what caused it, but as soon as CSI crews show up, we'll let you know. (Oh, I want Horatio, Nerys squeals immediately. Serpie: I want the original one..from the other city...Or the blue eyed from New York)

'Never heard of,' Maryione continued relentlessly.

"Of course you didn't, you stupid mudblood; I am the Duke of the fallen world of the sparkles!" he deadpanned.

Just when Maryione thought that she would never see the creep (oh no our bad) her long-lived love of her love-life love named Tom again, as the blond with the peacock would surely impale her slim body onto his ... fork, when a sparkle, then one more and more flew into the room where Maryione was captured and held captive by some sort of Malfoy dude. Not Draco Pooh, but an evil one. Still hot though, of course, as all Malfoys are hot. It goes without saying, so we're saying it over and over again, just to bore - scratch - entertain you.

'Uh?' Maryione said, batting her green eyes brightly. 'What is with the Christmas decoration?'

Maryione tried to drool again at the sight of a pale face framed with golden eyes (like hers should be, Nerys, not blue! Makeover, makeover, Nerys hisses) and bronze hair beauty that sparkled. Free of charge.

However, her drool was stopped by the Empty Space, also known as Bella Swan-Cullen, who not only wanted to have Edward only to herself, but also made Maryione step down the pedestal of Mary Sues, claiming the first place. Abraxas was in complete awe of all the wonders of this universe all together, including him. But he knew he'd be victorious in the end. None of these Sues could beat his Chicken Pie Supreme.

xxx

In the lone lonesome lonelier than lonely castle of the doomed and alone, Tom Marvolo Riddle, our poor poor orphan stared over the railing, or whatever they have up there (crenellated ramparts according to the lexicon, but we can't possibly be bothered by that info; why research with one click of your mouse when you can write bull?), from the Astronomy Tower. There, down on the ground, lay the battered body of his lady love supreme. The woman of his dreams and once cold and frozen heart, who patched his soul with a single fart.

Yessss, there she was on the ground (duh) all battered and broken and blood everywhere, gushing out of her like waves of the ocean that foamed and churned, her ribs visible to all to see as they stuck up like she'd just given birth to an Alien as in Alien 1,2,3, till Z. Her bowels were showing her recently eaten chicken dish, making Tom's empty stomach growl. A tiny bit of mush was visible on the side of her cracked scull where the brain should have been located. Looking closely, Tom saw the magnificent risotto with lobster tale.

'May I have some chicken, please?'

It had been one of the last things he'd ever said to his Maryione before Tom Riddle, the evil one, you remember him: massmurderer, kills and tortures for fun, tries to become the dark Lord Voldemort and takes over the world, but we all know this piece of emo shit will never accomplish anything, had changed and seen the path of light and righteous righteousness with thanks to the wonders of fanfiction (Serpie shudders at the butchered Tom's character in so many fics and decides she likes this Emo! Creep better anyway), yet now that his lady saviour, his knightress in shining Goblin-made-glass armorment, had died on him, he would return to his old and evil ways of course since he recently found out he was carrying twin baby girls and now those poor poor babies would have no mommy, just like him.

But they will have a daddy, Tom thought bravely, touching the hearts of morons everywhere. And he will always be Da Best Daddy EVA! and he knew his baby girls would have their mom's emerald eyes. AS SHOULD BE.

Are you all still with me?

(Serpie shakes her head on the floor. Nope, me gone. Too much EMO!)

No?

Sorry, that can't be helped. We'd loved to write something comprehensible but alas the boundaries of fanfiction were set before we ever crawled under the table, so you'll just have to imagine there are no plotholes, and normal sentences without crazy ANs inside of the story (what story?) here. You dig?

Yeah, I thought not. Moving on...

For she had to be dead, right? (Duh. Nothing can kill that bitch, Serpie mutters angrily. Now I still have to dress her up. BLUE EYES, fuck me.) (Eh, emerald green now, Serpie, do keep up.)

Authors and readers all over the world now roll their eyes in clear mocking of the silliness and stupidity of our Clark Kent Hero. Since clearly NOBODY ever really dies for real in fanfiction!potterverse, or in canon!potterverse for that matter (cough rebound curse cough potter's miraculous luck cough). We all know Maryione will sparkle back to life somehow if only her Superman hero would see the light and save his beautiful bird. (No, Serpie, stop rounding the chickens together. It's a two-legged bird as in ... NOT the chickens! Gives up trying to explain British slang and moves on.)

So, Tom needs to save his Maryione by going to acting classes and becoming the lead in the latest Musical of Phantom of the Opera or Sweeney Todd if we're really desperate. So, he can sing and dance together with his Belle and he can be the Beast. (Serpie faints here. Nerys is crazy, bitches. She is a lunatic...NO singing TOM, PUHLEASE?) (Nerys cackles loudly, while rubbing her hands together in clear vicious delight: singing it is, with dancing, and maybe a violin. Why? Because using a violin makes us look really smart. And more emo!)

'No, I am Da Beast,' a whiny voice whines. (Yes, we moved to present tense. Deal with it).

Shocked, Tom looks back over his broad swimmer's build shoulder (the other shoulder was not swimmer's build, as Tom liked gymnastics as well, so it was slim and lean). He was sure he was all alone, but there he stands: all scruffy and poor and emo! Immediately, Tom felt a pangerdy pang pang in his heart. Another lonely soul all alone. He rushed over to bear-hug the poor guy, but Da Beast jumped back.

'No, I am a dangerous animal,' Remus Lupin whined. 'And I shall never no (Serp-the-not-european-amazing-beta-one whispers: should I tell them that's "know" or will they start mocking me over that again?) ((Serpie-the-other-one and Nerys ROFL).

Recap, so you all can still follow it.

'No, I am a dangerous animal,' Remus Lupin whined. 'And I shall never no love or be with anyone, because I am such a wuss and nagger and just no good were at all. And my breath stinks cause I eat all the fallen shit I can find in the forest. And my nails are pink. Yes, pink. So? Never heard of slash? Remus loves Sirius and wants to make puppies with him. Deal with it, you insane bigots out there.

'You're not the most dangerous animal; I am ... and a pedo,' Jacob whispered the latter utterly distressed about his canon fate. (Nerys and Serpie now want to take a moment to explain they do NOT speak through their characters or support paedo or pedophilia in any shape or form)

'Oh phooey, little kiddies' meat is Da Best,' Greyback said, chewing on a piece of eleven year old (that was Chibiusa from Sailor Moon- whiny brat, hate her) that also dropped out of nowhere on the tower. 'You're no good weres both of you. This is what we do. Nom nom nom nom.'

Jacob and Remus fell into each other's arms completely distressed about the utter dastardly dastardness of weres everywhere, except them, and they howled like crying pups. Yeah, nobody tried to save the whiny brat, since nobody cared. (Not even poor Nerys, who has no idea WTF has entered their fic now; Sailor What? Are they related to Jack Sparrow? Er... Captain Jack Sparrow?)

Also, Tom doesn't know what to do anymore. The world had just turned upside down on him (and on us poor authors of this priceless piece of nobelprize winning shi- masterpiece). He didn't know how to act. Why was everybody taking time away from his emo! screentime? He was supposed to be the male lead: the big cheese. It was so unfair. He just lost his love and now they were here. WHY WHY WHY?

'Because we're the true Stus and Sues of the world,' a bundle of sparkles spoke huskily husky.

Tom blinked, trying to eradicate the amazing sparkles. Sorry Tom, we tried, too, it doesn't help. Edward is like superglue. Perhaps you can nail him to the Hogwarts Express's floor? And then, Jasper can take him from behind. Jasper: O.O

Anywayssss, amazing sparkles materialised and the level of emo immediately rose drastically.

'EDWARD! I LURVE YOU!' Walburga yelled with lovey dovey eyes.

WTF, Tom thought, annoyed. That was his woman, too.

But his problem was solved instantenously er ... instantinopel ... instantesomething, well, immedi .. er... right away.

'NO, WE LOVE JACOB!' a teen Minnie McGonagall yelled, jumping on Walburga's back and trying to throttle her.

'I need your help, Tom,' Edward said. 'My wife has gone missing and I think she is with yours.'

Tom's eyes widened and he looked over the wall. No, Maryione is all alone there.

'Mine is dead,' Tom wailed.

'Yeah, we're dead, too. We're vampires, you know evil creatures that shouldn't exist, and wow, I wish I was mortal and I should never have eaten that headboard,' Edward said, chagrined. 'It falls very hard on the stomach,' he added, spitting out another feather.

'You're in the sun.'

'Myth.'

'I have a cross.' (DUH? Tom has a cross? Whateva...pronounces Serpie in Transylvania's accent. Like Dracula.) (Of course he has a cross,Serpie. Don't you remember he got it from the one and only sweet Mary Sue who was there in that orphanage?) (Oh, fuck off, Nerys. She didn't have a cross. All she had was an enima, a bear and a toilet.) Nerys goes to fuck, misunderstanding Serpie completely since she's not a native speaker. (Yes, this is the Real M- material, readers.)

Fade out...

Everyone is unsatisfied.

'Myth,' Edward explained to the cross mentioning, not to Nerys fucking. (Stop laughing, Serpie)

Uh huh, says the most powerful SORCERER in the world. Vamps are myths. And Tom is dumb in this story, so I guess you can make that point.

'Where is your cape?'

'Tuxedo Mask took it.'

Minnie and Walburga rolled by in the mud with only really tight bikinis on. (Eh, in case of some lone, male, not gay reader decides to pop in, Serpie). (On FFnet, Nerys?) (Nerys deletes sentence instantsomething)

'Garlic.' Lupin.

Groan.

'Stake.' Sookie.

Edward pinches the bridge of his sparkling cock tiresomely. No, the one on his face, people. tsk tsk tsk.

'You don't have any fangs.' Donald Duck.

'Vamps don't have fangs. They eat with Forks.' No comment on Serpie's side.

'He does,' Tom said, pointing at the real handsome vamp standing in an alternate universe still; but Eric is on his way people, don't worry. He'll get them all. Muaaahhahaha!

Shivering, Edward glanced at the visual of the smirking and waving vampire in the alternate universe. He really hoped those REAL vamps wouldn't come visit here, too. He didn't want to die.

'Oh fuck, make up your mind, Cullen Sparkles,' every sane person plus three insane bitches on the planet say. 'Toss him in the fire,' Nerys adds hopefully, her eyes glinting.

'Tom, Tom!' Draco yelled.

"Edward, Edward!' yelled Ginny-the-Ho.

With a loud scream, Minnie and Walburga tumbled over the ramp or wall or railing or whatever. They fell down. A long way. Hard. Mashed potatoes. Right on top of Maryione Sue. Remember that readers, it could be foreshadowing. (Serp, the one from Taiwan, raises an eyebrow: foreshadowing in this fic?) (Yes, Serp. Beware, perhaps a plot will pop up eventually?)

'We have to save Maryione!' Draco and Ginny yelled in a new rhythm that beat and sang, 'From the evilness that is Abraxas!' They ended in a high pitched note and bowed on their toes.

Curtain calls.

Hahaha! You wish.

No, this story isn't over yet.

Anyway, Cullen Sparkles and Slytherin Heir Tom decided to go save their damsels-in-distress and everyone towed along with them, to be equally annoying or more so than them. After all, they had to win the competition in Limbo's Kitchen!

And boy oh boy, the master devil himself, the person who can produce more F words in a second than Maryione can fart, would be there to judge and punish the unworthy ones.

And so, we are not sure how many of them we have now here since most of them suck (GO ERIC!) so fuck them all, but they all moved to the Limbo to save their loved ones and win the prize to become a Head Cook Elf in the Hogwarts fine dine restaurant.

xxx

To be continued. Muahahhaaha!

xxx

AN: OK, people, should we get a total of a measly 100 reviews or more than that we will update instant... imme... FUCK right away. If not, you'll just have to suck it up, you worthless not reviewing scum, and we will neva EVA update again. *insert hysterical ranting fanfic writers*