Hey people! I'm glad I can make you laugh! Not much to say so here is chapter 3! I am sorry it took so long. The order doesn't make sense so sorry for that but you can usually tell what I'm talking about. Again ppl, the dialouge is offensive but its in inuendo and should not be taken as my own opinions. They are not. This is just shock value. Enjoy!

Claire walks into a room and is suddenly grabbed by a Bandersnatch. Steve hears her screams and wants to help but first he needs to finsd a weapon. He sees a table with many guns on them.

Steve looks. "Hmmm." He can't decide. There is an AK-47, a shotgun, a grenade launcher and two gold lugers.

Steve, "Can't decide. Ah what the hell." Steve grabs the gold lugers.

Then he crashes through a window and begins firing. It takes him about twenty shots to kill the thing but he finally does it.

"Your knight in blood covered armor is here! Wait...were those the right words?"

Claire, "You wish. But thanks for the help."

Steve, "Hey I just saved you! Show a nigga some love!"

Claire, "Um...ok. Here take these."

Claire held out two SMGs.

Steve, "Machinee guns. For me?"

Claire, "You know the deal. I give you these, you give me the um...guns that were likely used by Nazis in WW II."

Steve trades the guns with her and pulls the trigger. "Wait a minute! You tricked me! I should teach you a lesson!"

Claire, "Up there plenty of ammo. Gimme a boost and I'll get it for you."

Steve, "Fine."

He gives her a boost. "Jesus bitch! Time to go on a diet! How can you be so skinny and still weigh a lot? Must be those jeans that hide it so well..."

She gives him the ammo. Steve loads the gun.

The floor begins to lower and Alfred's voice says, "Now that your knight has joined you, he can be with you in your descent into death."

Steve, "Hmmm. I don't have a gaydar but I'm pretty sure that guy loves the cock."

Steve, "All right. Time to test out my new toy!"

Claire, "The one that vibrates? Oh I love..."

Steve, "No! That's for online when I'm talking to 13 year olds! I meant this" He waved the guns.

Steve runs out of the room and begins shooting zombies. He shoots a gas canister and pretty soon all the zombies are dead.

Steve says in high voice, "Thug life."

Claire follows him to bridge. Steve, "This thing is a lot better than people."

Claire, "Than people? Steve why are you here? Who brought you here?"

Steve, "i don't wanna talk about it!" Steve empties guns. Then runs to the elavator crying like a girl and sobbing in a high pitched voice.

Claire, "Jack ass."

(Wesker talks to Spencer, the person who called him.)

Wesker, "Why did you stop me? I was beating a woman! Do you know how selfish that is?"

Spencer, "I need to know how badly you attacked the island. How is the virus coming along?"

Wesker, "Great. Its even effected the dogs."

Wesker looks and sees Pluto with a revolver pointed at Goofy's head. "Is he the only fucking dog who can wear fucking pants? Well I wanna wear the fucking pants for once!" Pluto shoots him and then puts the gun in his own mouth and pulls the trigger.

(Take that Disney!)

Wesker, "I need to go. One of the TV's has sex and the city playing."

(Skip to Alexia vs. Wesker.)

Wesker "Alexia Ashford. You have the virus. I want it!"

Alexia, "You want it? You are not worth of its power!"

Alexia's dress begins to burn. Chris, "Hey thats one hot chick! Get it? Hot chick?"

Alexia smacks him. He lands on his feet. "You're coming with me. In more ways than one." He tells her.

Alexia yelled, "You can't hit a girl!"

Wesker, "Yes I can. My father did it all the time!"

Alexia throws fire at him and Wesker dodges and so does Chris. Wesker shake fire offf his arm. "Chris, since you were my best man and best rent boy...I'll let you handle this."

Wesker runs out quickly.

(Beginning of RE 4. Sorry ppl. This will be more in order!)

Leon: "1998. I'll never forget that year. Before I went to the acedemy I was getting it on with two college girls. A black girl and a Mexican girl. My parents wanted me to find an Irish girl but I look at it like this. Its all pink on the inside...Wait what were we talking about? Oh right 1998. So this crack head in the middle of the road tries to grab my Italian design shoes so I shoot te bitch but more zombies/heroin addicts keep coming so I keep firing. Then I met Claire, went on a crazy adventure and now I'm here."

Spanish Police escort. "Uh...Who were you talking to?"

Leon, "Did I just say all that out loud"

Spanish police, "Yes. Yes you did. Crazy American." The vehicle stops for the cop to pee. The other cop offers Leon a cigarette.

Leon declines, "I only smoke sherm."

Spaniard, "What is that?"

Leon, "Its when you dip a cigarette or a joint in embalming fluid. Either that or PCP. Angel Dust. Its called getting wet!"

The Spaniard is still peeing. Leon looks and says, "Hey its a cock, but smaller!"

They drive toward the village. Leon gets out and walks into the cabin.

He sees a Spanish man carrying firewood and throwing it into the fire.

"Excuse me sir? Have you seen this girl? She went missing."

Leon shows him the picture. "I wonder if she's legal..."

The Spanish man curses at him in Spanish. Leon says, "Sorry, I don't speak Italian."

The Spaniard says, "Its not Italian you dumb shit. Its Spanish!"

Leon, "Holy shit, you speak English?"

Spaniard, "No, just that last sentence and this one explaining it."

Leon, "You're kidding."

Spaniard, "Que?"

Suddenly the Spaniard grabs a hatchet and swings at Leon. Leon barely dodges it. The man begins to advance.

Leon, "Look we can settle this like gentlemen or we can get into some gangsta shit."

The Spaniard keeps coming closer. Leon pulls out pistol and shoots him four times. "I told ya." Leon examines body.

Leon, "What the hell does that say? He's...not...a...zombie...Oh! He's not a zombie!"

Two minutes later...

Leon is pissed since he lost his ride.

He sees a wounded dog cut in a bear trap. "Poor guy." Leon frees the dog.

Leon, "That is some pretty fur." Leon then takes out his knife and stabs the dog until it dies.

Five minutes later, Leon has a fur coat made from the dog. "hmmm. I look like P Diddy."

Leon, "I have a bad hair cut. I should probably find a hat too." Leon sees a bald eagle land nearby.

"Wow. The American mascot..." Leon snaps its neck.

Five minutes later he has made a hat out of the bald eagle.

Leon enters the village and sees the burning police officer.

Leon, "Hmmm. I wonder if he's dead? I'd hate to be him if I lived through that!"

Leon's comment has alerted the villagers. They scream in Spanish and advance toward him with farmer tools. Leon lifts up his shirt to reveal his pistol. "Oh we got a motherfuckin problem? We got a problem nigga? We got a problem?"

A/N (That was a Boyz N Tha Hood reference. lol. I thought it would be funny to use a line from Ice Cube in Boyz N Tha Hood and use it on Leon. A white guy. Its racial humor but I'm equal with it.)

They get closer and Leon begins firing. He is stabbed with a pitchfork. "Ow! Damn it! That's gonna leave a scar! Now my abs won't be sexy for the ladies any more!"

He shoots the female villager and proceeds to head into the house with the shotgun. Leon here's the chainsaw. "What are they planning? I hope this doesn't go like all the shower scenes in Oz!"

Leon runs upstairs and sees a shotgun. He also sees an M-16 and a grenade launcher. "Hmm. I'd better go with firepower on this one." Leon grabs the shotgun and heads downstairs to face the Ganados. They have broken in and Leon cocks the shotgun and says, "Thug life!"

Leon looks at camera. "What? The best line in the game is stolen later. 'It's game time' I' never coming to Germany again."

(Scene where Leon meets Luis.)

Leon opens the cabinet and Luis falls out.

Leon, "Say, either you are a hostage to these crazy Dutch villagers, or this is the shooting of a porno!"

Leon takes the tape off Luis's mouth.

Luis, "Little rough don't you think?"

Leon, "Oh my God! You're Antonio Banderas! I fucking loved you Desperado! You were also adorable as that kitty in Shrek 2. Can I have your autograph?"

Luis, "Wow you Americans are ignorant."

Leon, "Hey now that's not a fair statement! We're a free country! We weren't founded by slavery, genocide or religious persecution. Nope! Never happened! That's why the world loves us!"

The Village chief walks in and Luis says, "Great. The big cheese."

Leon, "Cheese? Really? Where? I smoked a LOT of pot earlier! I gotta get something to eat!"

Leon sees the village chief. "Hmmm. I think this calls for a Bruce Lee kick. I've never taken martial arts but seeing it on TV is just as good!"

Leon tries to kick him and gets thrown on his ass.

(I'm skipping some scenes. I'm a bit limited in comic material for entire games so I just do what I can.)

Leon has just broken the neck of the Ganado that cut him free with the axe.

Leon starts to head outside. A merchant looks in the window. "Over here, stranger." He laughs in a creepy annoying way.

Leon goes outside and the merchant says, "Got something that might interest ya." He opens up his robe to reveal that he is nude underneath.

Leon, "What the fuck? I mean my frat boy days were crazy but come on!"

Merchant closes robes. "Well I guess I forgot to stock up. hehehe. But you can use the machine I got it from. Its on the other side of this cabin." Leon goes and finds a vending machine with lots of guns. He buys a TMP and a Rifle. "Nice. I like these guns. I need some target practice."

Leon equips the TMP and he sees a crow nearby. "Its not like that game, duck hunt but it'll do!"

Leon sqeezes off a few rounds and kills the bird, the rounds tearing it apart. "King of the jungle, my ass!"

Leon changes out of his P Diddy outfit and puts on a hunter outfit that makes him look like a redneck. He even has a hat with ear muffs on.

Leon goes out to where the Ganados are and begins firing. He shoots the gas tank near another cabin. He blows up a few Ganados.

One of the Ganados tosses a dynamite stick at him. "Wow that sparkly light is so pretty. I can't take my eyes off..." Boom!

Leon is wounded and has to use a first aid spray. "Aw god damn it!"

Leon runs around and grabs the two keys without killing the enemies. "See ya later fuckos!"

(Scene where Leon finds Ashley.)

Leon, "Hmm. What a church. I hope she really is here. I gotta get laid. But not like when I lost my virginity."

(Flashback)

(This scene is based off of a Drawn Together episode which is making fun of a Jody Foster movie. I'm doing this more along the lines of the DT episode.)

Leon is at a frat party wearing his shirt tied in a knot like a midriff top and is also wearing a mini skirt and makeup. Everybody is drinking a lot. He is really drunk. He leans on the pin ball machine. All the frat boys start to advance toward him with grins on their faces.

"Leave me alone! This isn't Bible camp! Noooooo!"

Three hours later Leon runs home to his parents and begins sobbing and hugs his mother. His father is sitting in a chair reading a newspaper with the headline, BEST KEGGER EVER!

(End of flashback.)

Leon comes into the room. Ashley throws a stick at him. "Don't come!"

Leon, "If I had a nickel for everytime I heard that line...Anyway I'm here to rescue you. I was sent by the most powerful man in America."

Ashley, "Oprah?"

Leon, "Your father."

Ashley, "Ohhhhh."

Leon, "Let's get you out of here."

They leave and Leon jumps down the ladder but then he aims up and looks up her skirt. "Hey what are you looking at? Oh! You pervert!"

Leon, "Oh whatever bitch. You knew what you were doing when you put on that skirt!"

Ashley, "Wait till the end of the gae. Then we'll talk."

She jumps down and he catches her.

They then see Saddler. "We'll take the girl."

Leon, "How much will you pay for her?"

Ashley, "Leon!"

Saddler, "No longer will the United States police the world! When she gets back, there will be one hell of a party."

Ashley, "Leon, they put something in my neck. And other places..."

Leon, "What did you do to her?"

Saddler, "Ya know...stuff."

Leon, "Rain or thunder, you're going down...Wait that's not right, is it?"

Two monks fire crossbows and Leon grabs Ashley and they jump through the window.

As they land Leon stares at Ashley's white panties. "Sweet statutory!"

Ashley, "Oh! You pervert."

Leon says with sarcasm, "Yeah my boxers just got smaller cause I'm a gentlemen. Come on! Let's get you back to President Bush...eer I mean president Graham!"

They go outside and see that there is a bunch of ganados standing there. Leon shoots the cart and it catches on fire and crashes into the Ganados killing several of them.

Leon blows on the smoke from the TMP and says, "Git r done!"

Leon is still wearing his redneck hunter outfit.

Leon finishes off the rest of the Ganados with his pistol. "All right. Let's go!"

Leon, "How old are you? Like sixteen?"

Ashley replies, "I'm twenty!"

Leon says under breath, "Yes! She's legal!"

(Scene with Salazar intro.)

High pitched giggles sound through the room.

Leon, "That is the girliest laugh I've ever heard!"

Salazar, "We're only interested in the girl."

Leon replies, "Buddy I don't think you've EVER been interested in girls! What's with the oufit? And who the fuck are you? The fuckin stunt double for the midget on Jackass?"

"I am Salazar. The leader of this castle."

Leon, "Sala whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"

Salazar, "You aren't worth a penny I'm afraid. You can die."

Leon, "Wait come back here! What's with the guards? They look like something from a star wars movie!"

(Scene when Ashley gets recaptured.)

Ashley coughs up blood.

Leon, "Whoa! Is that your period? I thought women only bled out of their butt hole! Are you okay?"

Ashley, "I'm fine! Leave me alone!" She pushes him away and runs.

Leon, "You picked the wrong person to push bitch! Now you're dead!"

He chases her but they are seperated by a pair of bars that almost impale Ashley. She keeps running but more keep popping up as she does.

Leon, "Oh no! You're not getting away that easily! I'm gonna find you!" Finally she is strapped to the wall and the wall turns around like an Indiana Jones movie. Leon gets a call on his radio.

Salazar, "It seems Ashley fell into one of our wonderful traps."

Leon, "How did you get this number? Where is that smoking hot secretary Hunnigan? She might wear glasses but I bet she is a kinky whore at the end of the day."

Salazar, "We've jacked the line. We didn't want you telling them about us using children as coke mu...errrr I mean any vital information."

"Don't you worry about Ashley. We'll find her. Then we're going to give her a hot shot."

Leon, "I thought you already put the plagas in her."

Salazar, "We did. Now we want to give her some heroin! I let out my miserable insects out in the sewer."

Leon, "The backstreet boys?"

Salazar, "No, you fool! They are...Never mind. It'll be a surprise."

Leon, "That's good cause boredom kills me. I was once so bored I stuck a hamster in the microwave. I called it 'pop goes the hamster'."

Salazar was silent.

"Also I like to stick new born baby's feet first into a blender. ya know, just to see the look on its face."

Salazar sighs.

(Ada, Leon scene.)

"Put your hands where I can see them."

Leon, "Sorry but following a lady's lead just isn't my style. I learned that from my father. He'd only choke her to show he was the man. He also showed me love by throwing beer bottles at me."

Ada, "Put them up now."

Leon grabs the gun and Ada but she backflips and kicks the the gun away and Leon gets close to her throat and has the blade at her neck.

"Bit of advice. Try using knives next time. Works better for close encounters. Also you shouldn't wear a dress. Claire could dodge bullets because she wore very tight pants. It has powers like you wouldn't believe."

Ada takes off her shades. "Leon. Long time, no see."

Leon, "Holy shit! Ada! I didn't know that was you! I would have never guessed if you hadn't taken the glasses off! How are ya? Oh wait...I'm pissed at you! You work with Wesker... Why Ada?"

Ada, "Cause he's a gigalo and he loves them hoes."

Leon is silent but then then the shades release a bright light and Leon is blinded. "See you around. I mean it. I want to see you again. I'm tired of buying batteries for vibrators." Ada says.

She is gone. Luis then comes in. "Leon! Any luck finding Ashley since you lost her again?"

Leon, "Luis what are you doing here? You aren't in this scene! Jus the ones in the village, and the one where you give me the drug to stop the egg from hatching. That doesn't work out for you so well."

Luis, "I'm improvising! Hey do you have any advice for me on dating? I want to try and get with the president's daughter."

Leon, "Well do you know the best thing about fucking a twenty year old virgin?"

Luis, "What?"

"Pretending she's ten!"

They both laugh.

Five minutes later Leon shows Luis different sex positions. Leon is pretending to have sex in different positions. Leon grabs a lamp and starts humping it. "I totally did this to a girl once."

Luis, "I wish I was a girl."

Leon says, "This is the manliest position in the world." Leon gets on all four and starts gyrating his butt, as though he is being screwed from behind.

(Luis Death Scene.)

Leon is appoached by Luis who says, "I got it." Suddenly he is impaled.

Saddler catches the sample. "Soonm Salazar will make sure you suffer the same fate."

Leon runs after Saddler in slow motion. "Nooooooooooo!"

Saddler leaves.

Luis, "Why are you so slow?"

Leon, "Cause I just took some oxxxyyyyy cotttttttooon."

Luis, "I was undecover but he figured me out. The sample. You have to get it back!"

Luis hands Leon a pill bottle and two tablets. Leon looks at them.

"The pills are to stop the egg from hatching. The tablets are roofies to put in Ashley's drink when you get out of here. Fuck her for me Leon."

Leon, "I might fuck her but I'll be thinking of you."

Leon and Luis begin french kissing until Luis coughes up blood. "Lopez!" Leon cries.

"Luis...Its Luis."

"Lewis!"

Luis, "No, you spelled it wrong!"

Leon, "Uhhhhhh...Mitch!"

Luis, "Jesus. Pinche idioto." Luis dies.

Ashley screams, "Leon! Heeeeelp!"

Leon, "Oh my god! You are so fucking needy! Wait a minute! Damn! It isn't like you got an emergency!"

(Leon/Krauser scene)

Leon, "Hmmm. I don't see anybody here but I'm going to ironically pull out my knife anyway because of lazy game writers."

Krauser tries to stab him but he dodges. Leon is cut on the cheek.

"Been a long time, comrade."

Leon, "Krauser! What's up, bromosexual?"

"I died in a car crash two years ago. Is that what they told you? I got a joke for you. What was the last thing to go through pricess diana's mind? The windshield."

Leon, "You're the one who kidnapped Ashley."

Krauser, "I needed to earn Saddler's trust. Like you, I'm American. A gun toting, bomb dropping, xenophobic American."

he attacks but Leon dodges again and they begin stabbing at each other and having a knife fight. Their blades crashing against each other.

"All for Umbrella's sake. I mean they can be crooks but it beats the hell outta Wal Mart!"

Leon, "Umbrella? Are you talking about the company or the song by Rihanna?"

Krauser, "The company. Enough talk, die comrade!"

He tries to stab Leon but there is a gunshot and the knife goes flying and Leon kicks him off of him.

Krauser, "Well if it isn't the bitch in the red bra...I mean dress."

Ada, "Looks like we've got the upper hand here. Seriously. I'm standing higher up than you."

Krauser, "Just because you got lucky...Ah screw it. The hell with my lines. These Japanese game makers aren't paying me well enough. I'll just see you later."

Ada, "You two know each other?"

Leon, "More or less. What brings yo her, ass and tits?"

Ada says, "Maybe I'll tell you later."

Meanhile Wesker is explaining to Irving, their new employee, what was happening in Spain.

"So...You were just using Krauser to get rid of Leon? Lot of good that did."

Wesker, "We'll get him soon. After all, he doesn't have the pants that Claire does. However if I trust you with us, you must be loyal. Ada is just pretending to be on my side."

Irving, "Oh I'm not like them. I'm a business man with staaaaandards. I won't join up with Chris Redfield."

Wesker, "Oh I know you won't Irving.. I know you won't."

Wesker pours a bottle of liquid onto a napkin and puts it over Irving's mouth until he passes out.

Wesker, "And now to erase your memory of this entire conversation." Wesker grins as he begins to remove his clothes.

To be continued...

That's alll I can think of for funny material for now. If I update again, it will be for Resident Evil 5. I hope you liked this despite how wrong it is! Anyway let me know. Tell me your favorite parts! By the way I did Irving's quote from RE 5 cause it was wierd how he said Standards. Plus what terrorist wears guyliner? Sorry for repeat of Wesker screwing ppl while they are out cold but I get a kick out of it!

Anyway please R&R! later!

A.S.