Okay, finally an update! Just beware that some of this content is from the show Drawn Together but I wanted to use it on Resident Evil characters. A lot of it is Captain Hero matertial. The perverted, psyhco, non heroic parody of superman. Anyway again, I hope u like it people! This will have the introduction of Irving who is a really wierd motherfucka in RE 5 so this won't be much of a stretch! This chapter is racist, sexist and all around sexually rude! Take it witha grain of salt! I don't go into detail of RE 5 fights cause this is more for comical purpose. Also theh Barry scene is unrelated but is a DT material on RE characters. Anyway kick back and read!

Chris Redfield sees a blonde woman being dragged and she is screaming, "Help!"

Chris: "I didn't hear you say please..."

Sheva: "Come on, you idiot!"

Chris: "Uhhhh ok."

They make their way toward the building but Chris grabs a shotgun from a cabin, that is hanging on the wall. "Git R done..."

(Lol I hate Larry the Cable guy but I thought that line would fit for being random.)

They make their way into the building. The woman falls on Chris.

Chris: "Are you ok? Have you been doing smack? Seriously! You look out of it!" She tries to bite him with the venus fly trap face but Sheva fires and she backs away.

Sheva: "They weren't kidding. Drugs do affect your physical appearance! I don't she's using smack. I think this is a meth head!"

They both open fire on the parasite coming out of her head. The handgun bullets seem to anger it.

Chris pulls out shotgun. "You are terminated!"

He fires. He fires again and the parasite explodes. They fin ish off the remaining majinis in the room. Sheva then finds jewelry in a box.

Chris: "Leave it to a woman to find the jewelry! That's how I get a girl to slob the knob. I give her something shiny from the pawn shop. Then I give her a pearl necklace!"

Sheva: "I'm going to assume you don't mean pearl necklace as jewelry, do you?"

Chris: "No. Its when you come on a girls neck until the semen makes a necklace!"

Sheva: "God! Don't be so disgusting! Besides, you're one to talk! Americans love to use blood diamonds for weddings. You don't care about African children who die in the mining camps!"

Chris: "That's not true! Now the Iraqi schools we bomb? That's true! I don't care!"

Sheva, "Well then I don't care about 9/11!"

Chris whispers: "Calm down...Therapist said people would be like this...You can't go around throwing people off of buildings. That part of your life is over..."

Later that day...

Chris and Sheva come into the courtyard. They see the downed helicopter.

Chris: "Where did they learn to drive? Hong Kong driving school?"

Sheva: "You do realize that he's our team mate right?"

Chris: "I don't know him!"

Suddenly a bunch of majinis on dirt bikes come after them. Chris tackles Sheva: "Look out!"

He grabs her breasts as he falls. Then the bike begins to pull him.

Chris: "Sheva! Help!"

Sheva: "No! Not until you keep your hands to yourself!

Chris: "Damn it! I'll take you to pinkberry after this is oveeeeer!"

Sheva: "Okay!" She fires her pistol and breaks the chain. A biker reveals his majini face.

Sheva: "Honestly when this first started, I thought the people just had a bad touch of the Rabis."

Chris: "Don't you mean rabies? All though they are both untreatable diseases!"

The bikes come at them again. Yet they dodge and a shot is fired and one of the majinis is killed. Then another is fired and a maijini is knocked from his bike and is crushed by another bike which sends the other majini to be impaled by a piece of wood. The reinforcments arrive.

Chris: "Thanks for the help out there. I haven't seen such fine shooting since the Kennedy assasination!"

Josh: "I'm Captain Stone. Delta Team."

Chris: "I'm Chris Redfield."

Sheva: "I trained underneath Josh. He taught me everything I know."

Chris: "Don't you mean, trained under Josh?"

Sheva blushes: "That's what I said!"

Josh: "Sheva become the baby sister of the team. In a metaphorical sense. I consider her the kind of sister you can still date..."

Sheva clears her throat loudly.

Josh nervously says: "Anyway, You two need to after Irving. He went through the mines."

Sheva: "How will we know who Irving is?"

Josh: "Trust me. You can't miss him.

Ten minutes later...

Chris and Sheva are going through the mines and have made it past the dark part after killing lots of majinis. They were in a lit area now but there were still enemies nearby.

Chris: "I'm going to try and get us some backup."

Chris types a quick text message to Barry. Barry ITS CHRIS. IN KIJUJU AND NEED YOUR GET HERE ASAP. BY THE WAY SAW THAT MOVIE BRUNO LIKE U TOLD ME TO. FUNNY! LAUGHED SO HARD I CRAPPED MYSELF!

(lol. I made his spelling suck like most text messages.)

Sheva: "Why do you need more backup?"

Chris: "I'm scared of the dark! When we were in the caves, I couldn't see you in the dark! Because you blended in!"

Sheva angrily replies: "I'm not even that dark! I'm light brown! uhhhhh...Anyway I couldnt see you either Chris!"

Chris: "Well you should have. You were holding the light!"

They dispose of several majinis on the way to the elavator out of the mines.

They head up the stairs of a house and they see Irving there. Irving had guyliner on and was jerking off. He quickly pulls his pants up and points his gun at them. "You must be Irving!"

Irving "Wow. Perceptive aren't ya? Hello tall, dark, and beautiful!"

Sheva: "Enough with the racial comments!"

Irving: "I was talking to your partner!" Irving raises his eyebrows at Chris.

Sheva: "You're just like the other piece of scum terrorists!"

Irving: "Oh I'm not like them. I'm a business man with staaaandards. Plus I'm wearing Italian designer shoes? Hello? Terrorists only wear pajamas."

(He stretches out and emphasizes standards ina fruity way.)

Chris: "Drop your weapon! And stop staring at my groin! Look at my eyes, not my balls!"

Irving: "Or...how bout you drop yours? Your pants and your gun!"

Suddenly the window breaks a smoke grenade comes in. The masked woman grabs him. "Hurry!"

Irving: "No! Not yet! I got a quarter chub!"

flashback scene

Sheva and Chris are on the boat through the marshlands.

Sheva: "What happened to your partner?"

Chris: "We were after a man named Albert Wesker..."

(Flashback scene.)

"Jill's body was never found. She was presumed dead. I never got to sodomize her like I wanted to. And I didn't save a bunch of money on my car insurance..." Chris begins crying like a girl. Sheva hugs him and he rests his head on her chest.

Chris: "Oooooh yeah. You like comforting me don't ya bitch?"

Sheva: "You and Jill were close."

Chris nods: "Like a catholic priest and a choir boy."

Sheva: "You may want to watch where you're driving." Chris almost crashes but regains control.

Chris: "So what made you join the BSAA?"

Sheva: "I guess just like a tampon, I got a taste of blood and wanted more."

Meanwhile Barry recieves text message from Chris.

Barry: "Chris is in trouble? My God I gotta help him!" Barry googles an online summary of RE 5.

Barry: "My God! Weskers in this! Superhuman! I can't help Chris if I don't equal his power!"

Barry goes to a health store to buy steroids. The clerk says: "We have what you need. Follow me into the back room."

Barry: "If I could follow you, I wouldn't need steroids!"

Over the next few days Barryy develops an addiction to steroids and the RE cast stage an intervention.

Claire: "Okay, we need to lure Barry here so I'm going to use a trick." She remembers the porno vids he made with Sherry and a donkey. He used to have a fetish for 12 year old girls and donkeys. Maybe some sick virgin mary fantasy. All Claire knew is that Barry had sex with Sherry after they escaped from Raccoon. Sherry called him a pedophile and Barry said, "Those are big words for a 12 year old!"

Claire: "Barry! Somebody's at the door to see you! A 12 year old girl and a donkey!"

Barry comes in, looking so buff its gross.

In a deeper voice Barry says: "Really? Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker are here?"

Rebecca: "Barry we know you've been abusing steroids. We want to help you. We love you."

Carlos, Claire, Barry, Billy and the whole room laughs at that. Carlos: "That was gay!"

Claire: "Steroids can lead to shrinking of genitals, cancer, homerun records."

Barry: "No way! The only thing I'm addicted to is killing zombies, making lists of threes..."

Carlos: "Still, steroids are bad for you."

Sherry appears riding on a donkey. "They've also been known to cause fits of rage."

Barry: "Fits of rage? I'll show you fits of rage!"

Barry punches Rebecca in the face. He then throws Carlos into a fishtank, breaking the fishtank and causing him to bleed. He grabs Claire by the hair and attempts to drown her in the toilet. Barry pulls out a katana and stabs the donkey and smashs Sherry head first into the TV.

By the time he's done he looks at his wounded friends. "I don't need any of you! I hate you all! You're all dead to me!"

Barry grunts like an ape and runs from the house to Yankee Stadium and hits a home run.

Later...

Barry arrives at a place that the steroid supplier had refered him to. Barry goes in and sees Popeye standing there.

Popeye: "Whatcha doing here mack?"

Barry: "My friends, the cast of Resident Evil, don't get me."

Popeyey: "I gets ya. As long as you don't gets with me Olive Oil. She's my number one girl!"

Popeye raises a fist at Olive Oil. "Get your skinny ass out there and earn bitch!"

Barry: "Anyway, people think I'm addicted to steroids."

Popeye: "Roids? I gots some good roids from the jolly green giant."

Barry: "Sweet! Uh...Popeye, you have some spinach on your chin."

Popeye: "That's not spinach..." He begins crying.

Barry: "We can beat this habbit together."

They begin shooting up steroids. Then they began doing pushups.

Barry thinking: "With me and Popeye combining forces we could finally rule the galaxy as father and son! Which unless I became misguided, is the reason I started taking steroids in the first place!"

Chris and Sheva arrive at the oil field. They discover the tricell logo.

Chris: "Tricell is helping Umbrella? Well just like a girl masturbating while on her period, we caught them red handed!"

They come across majinis as they open the door.

Chris begins to open fire at the majinis mowing down a lot of them with the AK-74. He aims at the arab majinis. "This is for 9/11 bitches! Ahhhhhhh!"

Chris runs dry on ammo so he uses his pistol. Sheva is firing too. Chris kises the barrel of his gun. He then begins to lick and begins sucking on the barrel and in his mind the song 'lets get it on' plays.

Sheva: "Oh dear god."

Meanwhile Leon is out hunting innocent cute animals as he did in Duck Hunt when he accidently hits a semi truck driver with a stray round.

Leon approaches the wounded driver. "Tell my wife and kids I love them..." The driver says before dying.

Leon: "I'll do this if its the last thing I do." Leon removes his knife and begins to cut off the man's skin.

Leon later arrives at the mans house. The wife and kids answer the door.

Leon: "I love you all. Daddy loves you more than life itself."

Leon is wearing the dead man's skin as a suit. However the skin slips off of Leon. Leon realizes his cover is blown and bails.

Leon: "Any good christian would do the same."

That's all folks! Sorry its so short! I hope you like it! I'm a bit busy but I will update soon! Tell me what u thought was the funniest part in your reviews! R&R!