Hey people! I'm glad this is making so many ppl laugh! It makes the world go around. Anyway I feel I let down some of the greater RE scenes so I'm gonna do RE scenes from games that I left out. So sorry if they aren't in order. Is this really anyway? haha. Anyway it doesn't matter as long as you laugh right? Anyway for some of it, Barry will actually be doing weird narration.

Anyway enjoy & laugh!

Afro Spirit

Resident Evil 4

(Scene after Luis's death, Ashley's 2nd time rescued.)

Leon zips up his pants.

Leon: "All done! So long, Antonio Banderas." He says to the dead body of Luis.

Ashley: "Leon! Help! Wait...what are you doing up there?"

Leon: "God damn it Sherry, I said I'd be with you in a minute!"

He fires four shots and hits her shackles freeing her.

Ashley: "Talk about close...thank you Leon."

Leon: "Damn it! I've got to work on my aim! I missed!"

Ashley runs to the door but discovers it is locked.

Ashley: "The door's locked! I can't get in!"

Leon: "You know. when you talk...you remind me of a squirrel I fucked once...I was really drunk...I remember...a yellow sponge...an astronaut outfit...a lot of water...and a talking starfish...I don't know why I was there but I think my pot must have been laced...I think the star fish and the sponge might have been homos..."

(I just referenced the fact that Ashley's voice actor played Sandy on Spongebob Squarepants.)

A door opens and several monks came in.

Monk: "Hiesta!"

Leon: "What was that? I didn't catch that. Speak English! How can I be scared of what you say if you say it in Chinese? I can't tell what you're saying!"

It grabbed Ashley.

Ashley: "Ooooh. Are we gonna do a group job? I want in both holes! Wait...are you Catholic? Cause that's the only way it won't be a sin to have sex with mutiple partners."

Monk: "What you talking bout Ashley?"

Ashley: "Your religion?"

Monk: "Oh...I knew that...um...well I believe in L Ron Hubbard."

Ashley: "Huh? Who's that?"

Monk: "He started the religion of Scientology. He is our God our prophet and Tom Cruise is like his version of Jesus."

Ashley: "Tom Cruise? No way! Forget it! Vanilla Sky and Jerry Maguire is two hours of my life I'll never get back! Let me go!"

Leon fires and hits the monk in the head.

Leon: "That was the best head shot since Abraham Lincoln!"

He keeps firing and hitting the other monks.

Leon: "Hey, all this time I've been shooting these ganados, it never crossed your mind to grab a weapon?"

He kills the red monk.

Ashley: "I've got the key! I can get in!"

Leon: "Oh my God! You are so fucking needy! How did I get stuck watching over Annette Birkin? Story of my life..."

Code Veronica part 1 ending

Alfred limps from his bullet wounds.

Alfred: "I won't forget about this Claire...just like I won't forget the name of that boy who helped you...Ste...Stewart...Yes...Stewart will die for shooting me. I will not forget you two peasants just like I didn't forget my very sexy sisters name...Alexis...? What is Alexis? Its gone..." Alfred passes out near her water tank.

Steve: "Okay we're heading to an Australian observation base. We're two Americans who haven't even completed college, I dropped out of High School, I suck at geography, I don't know where the Antarctic is on the map but I think its somewhere in the Middle East. Anyway God, willing we will find it it even though we have no idea where this base is."

Alexia strokes the hair of her dead brother. He awakens and looks up.

Alfred: "Alexia...I'm dying..."

Alexia: "I know...but at least now you won't have trouble getting hard. Your cock already has rigor motis."

Alfred grins through bloody teeth: "Ready to commit acts of necrophilia? Don't stop even if I do die on you. This is what I want, the only thing I want more is for a pool boy to shove hamsters yup my anus but this will do!"

Alexia: "I was born ready. Besides we mastered a scientific form of Necromancy. What's a little sibling dead sex?"

Meanwhile Claire and Steve are driving the snow vehicle and are having a conversation.

(My own twisted conversation twist.)

Claire's nipples are hard from the cold. As they drive by they see P Diddy wearing a fur coat. He is wearing a hat made out of a dead penguin and his fur coat is made of a dead polar bear.

Diddy: "Now the player done went to both poles...I told you that we won't stop said I told you that we won't stop..."

Steve: "So this hot Jewish chicks was licking my nuts when she asked what religion I was I said Catholic. She asked why I was circumcised and I said, hey we still do it. Just different. Jews cut it off, Catholic priests chew it off."

Claire: "Wow...that's incredible...I feel like I'm getting to know you but I just asked you to turn the heater on..."

(Barry Hits rock bottom.)

Barry: I got these two cheeseburgers! Come on, man! I need my krispy kreme!"

Black dealer: "Motherfucker I just ate! If you aint got no money then, you just assed out!"

Barry: "Come on, man! I need krispy kreme! We can work it out! I'll suck your dick!"

Black dealer: "The fuck did you say?" He says pulling out a gun.

Barry, eyes bloodshot: "I'll suck your dick!"

Dealer: "All right come on. Let's go to my car."

(Code Veronica part two scene)

Chris drops his back pack and it falls down the cliff.

Chris: "Hang on Claire...I'm coming for you...then I'm coming on you...and then you will do the same to me...for I know that every man is not out to marry his own mother but he will screw anything and that includes his increasingly hot sister who I've been attracted to since puberty."

Chris enters the cave. There is a rock slide behind him.

Chris: "Hehhehehe the dick enters the dark cave. That's a good one for the guys later."

Chris spots Rodrigo but then rushes toward him and begins kicking him in the ribs.

Chris: "Die you undead bastard! Ahhhhhhh!"

Rodrigo: "Ow! Damn it! I'm not a fuckin zombie!"

Chris: "Oh...Mexican with a gun! Ahhhh!" He begins kicking him again.

Rodrigo: "Damn it, you moron! Stop kicking me!"

Chris: "Suspect is resisting arrest!"

Rodrigo: "I'm a prison guard!"

Chris: "Really? Oh...my bad...we cool Ese?" He offer his fist to bump.

Rodrigo: "I'm the last survivor on this island. I was saved by...a beautiful woman...an angel of mercy..."

Chris nods: "Let me guess. Bono, right?"

Rodrigo: "No, you fucking idiot! Your sister. Ponytail...ass like a Hip Hop girl. You know what I'm saying?"

Chris: "So that's why you have her lighter. I thought it was because you were smoking weed."

Rodrigo: "Well funny you mention that...Claire was heheehe."

Chris finds Rodrigo's medicine.

Chris: "How do you explain this? Are you having unprotected sex? This is Vaseline! Even sex with a zombie should always be with a condom as well as plenty of KY lubricant. Do I need to call your mother?"

Rodrigo: "I'm older than you are and I had kids! That's homeostatic medicine for internal bleeding which you made worse by the way. You know what...ah forget it. Its easier to just call you stupid."

Suddenly the gulp worm gobbles up Rodrigo.

Chris: "Whoa! I haven't seen a worm that big since that last Pamela Anderson video!"

(Drums rimshot.)

Disclaimer: I haven't actually seen the video but a lot of my friends who are porn addicts keep telling me how great it is but porn is not the same as how real couples have sex. Plus I'm not trying to see that nigga Tommy Lee's dick! No thanks on that one, jack!

Chris begins to fire his pistol. He sees that his Glock is not effective.

Chris: Damn! I'll have to get a better weapon! I know! I'll use a grand theft auto cheat! R1 r2 L1L2left down right up left down right up."

WEAPON CHEAT ENTERED

Chris cycles through his weapons. He gets out his RPG.

Chris: "Ah God damn it! I wanted an RPG but this one is clearly fake! I mean, look! The rocket comes right out!"

Chris gets his AK-47 out and rolls a blunt and lights it, taking a hit and putting on Locs sunglasses

Chris: "Yeah...hell yeah...you know what I'm saying...?"

He begins firing at the worm.

Chris: "I know you're in there! Come out of the worm with your hands up!"

Rodrigo from inside: "You racist!"

Chris: "Racist? How can I be racist? I have a sister who listens to Hip Hop! Besides, you're not black. You're a Mexican. Its not racist if you aren't black! Now have a burrito and wait for me."

He begins firing his AK-47 at the worm and it finally dies. It spits Rodrigo onto him and Chris catches him in his arms.

Chris: "Ah God damn it! You were supposed to swallow it not spit it back on me!"

Steve's dad: "That's what she said!"

(Drums,rimshot.)

Chris: "Hang on Rodriguez! I'm gonna help you! Just hang on!"

Rodrigo: "Its Rodrigo you moron."

Chris: "I knew that Martinez. I know. Just hang on. Don't talk."

Rodrigo: "I haven't much time...now 'll get to see my family."

Chris: "Your family is dead?"

Rodrigo: "Yes...I shot my son...he was foaming at the mouth one night so I assumed he had rabies so I shot him. Turns out, he was only brushing his teeth."

Chris: "Wow..."

Rodrigo: "And my wife saw this and freaked out so I killed her too. But not before I tied her up and had my way with her one last time."

Chris: "I did not need to know that."

Rodrigo: "Its been a good life. I'm sure I'll see her in heaven..."

Chris: "Wait! Kiss me before you do!"

Chris and Rodrigo kiss. They begin French kissing and then Rodrigo throws up in his mouth. Chris, in turn throws up in his mouth while they are still French kissing.

Then Rodrigo dies and shortly after, he arrives in hell. Rodrigo sees some dead famous people.

The Devil is talking to Goofy.

Satan: "So Goofy it says here you were behind the plot of September 11th."

Goofy: "Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel! Garsh!"

Satan: "Okay, into the eternal lake of fire you go..."

Rodrigo sees another famous person.

Rodrigo: "Hey its the word guy from Sesame street! You were the best thing to come out of spelling since Tori's fat head!"

Bert and Ernie: "Why are you dissing on Torrie?"

Rodrigo: "She knows what she did."

(Dramatic music.)

Satan: "Okay, Mr. Juan Raval, you have three ways you can spend eternity. I'll let you see what's on the other side of each door. Once you choose, you can't go back on it."

The first door shows a chainsaw being shoved up a guys ass. The second shows a man's ears bleeding as he listens to songs by the Jonas Brothers. The last shows Marilyn Monroe being fucked doggy style by none other than President Kennedy.

Rodrigo: "That actually doesn't look that bad."

Satan: "Fine by me. Marilyn, you're free to go!"

Meawhile...

Alexia has Claire covered in a slimy goo.

Alexia: "Now she will know what Matthew Broderick's honeymoon was like."

Alexia then brings the unconscious Steve and chains him up. He is talking in his sleep.

Steve: "Oh Angelina Jolie...I had a great time tonight...what do you want to do now...?"

Alexia: "Why do I get the feeling something involving sex is on his mind?"

Steve: "Why don't you decide? I bet you wanna do something crazy..."

Alexia rolls eyes.

Steve: "That is crazy. I already took you out to dinner! I am NOT paying for a movie too! Good night Angelina!"

Steve wakes up.

Alexia: "Wake up sleepy head."

Steve: Damn...it was just a dream...I was on a date with a beautiful woman. And it only cost me a couple bucks off the value menu at Mickey D's. Where am I?"

Alexia: "You are in my hands. I am injecting you with the same virus my father had..."

Steve: "No! I'm a virgin! That's not fair if you give me Aids if I don't get to do it!"

Alexia: "Nooooo. I meant the virus. You met my father a few moments ago? Claire shot her with Alfred's Rifle."

Steve: "Oh...that guy. He had more arms than the wackiest God in all of India!"

(Rim shot, drum beat.)

Alexia: "You are going to become a tyrant beast but while we wait for the drug to take effect, I am going to have a little fun with you."

Steve: "You're gonna torture me?"

Alexia: "I'm going to cause you more pain than you can possibly imagine!"

(At this point Claire and Chris hear Steve scream after this part. What made him scream? LOL.)

Alexia turns on a radio after plugging it in.

Pala Cole begins singing.

"Where have all the cowboys gone?"

Steve: "AHHHHHHHH!"

Paula Cole: "Where is my John Wayne? Where is my prairie son? Where is my happy ending. Where have all the cowboys gone?"

Steve: "For the love of God! Stop! Please! I can't take it!"

Alexia: "I'm just getting started." After the song ends she puts another tape in.

Sonny Bono & Cher began singing.

Radio: "They say our love won't pay the rent. Before its earned our money's all been spent. I guess that's so we don't have a plot, but at least I'm sure of the one thing that we've got."

Steve: "Dear God make it stop!"

Radio: "Babe, I got you babe. I got you babe."

Steve: "Gimme a fuckin gun! I'll do it myself!"

(Chris video scene)

Chris walks into a room to see Alexia Ashford naked and stroking the hair of a naked body of Alfred Ashford. She is also singing.

Alexia: "There was a friendly but naieve king who wed a very nasty Queen. The King was loved but the queen was feared."

Chris: "Uh yeah. I know who you're talking about. Its Bill and Hillary Clinton! uhhhhh "

Chris face juts out like a donkey braying.

As the song ends the video shows a close up of the Ashford twins nude genitals.

Chris: "Hmmm. This is a strange case we have here. It looks like there are two blonde lesbians both naked but only one of them has a penis!"

Fred: "Hmmmmm. It IS a mystery, gang! I'll go go with Welma and Daphne Shaggy and Scooby, you two search the other side of this facility!"

Shaggy: "The only mystery here is why we take orders from a dick in a neckerchief."

Fred: "Keep it up, Beatnik and I'll feed you to the fuckin dog!"

Chris: "Whoa, guys! Let's keep it peaceful! I got doobie snacks!" He pulls out a bag of weed.

Scooby: "Rokay! Rets get Rucked up!"

(Resident evil 5 scene Excella/Uroboros)

Chris and Sheva enter a room full of Lickers.

Chris: "Whoa! I bet you those lickers are a big thumbs up among lesbians! Oh yeah!"

Sheva begins to open fire with her AK-47. Chris fires his Sniper Rifle and hit the Licker in the back. He fires again and hits it in the head and kills it.

Chris: "Sex is like a gun...you aim...you shoot...you run."

Chris is then slashed by another licker and its tongue wraps around him.

Sheva fires and kills it. Chris looks at the blood on his arm and side.

Chris: "Holy fuck! I'm bleeding! I think I started my period..."

Sheva: "You moron. You can't..."

Chris: "Look, I need to see if the blood is coming out of my butt hole! Now do you have a tampon or not?"

Sheva rolls her eyes. More lickers attack.

Sheva uses a green herb.

Chris: "Whoa...you stopped the bleeding. Was that a maxi pad? I checked my boxers. No blood so I guess its not that time of the month yet."

More Lickers bust through the vents.

Sheva: "I need your help!"

Chris: "Yeah...why don't you take care of that? I'm trying to read Hustler."

Barry narrating, movie paused.

Barry: "Now see, at this point, I got Chris reading Hustler magazine. I gotta disagree with Sheva on him being a super hero but I do think that Hustler magazine gives every man X ray vision. You can see inside the girls! Buy a copy and you'll see for yourself!"

Unpause...

Sheva: "Damn it! I need your help!"

Chris: "Ya know, Jill would have taken care of this already!"

Barry narrating: "No...dude...really you don't understand. You can actually see inside the girls! Inside!"

Sheva: "I'm not Jill!"

Chris: "You're damn right you're not Jill! She was a real partner! Unlike some people!"

Barry: "No...seriously. Inside!"

Sheva: "How good of a partner could she be? She's dead!"

Chris: "How dare you! You have no way to talk about my Jilly bean that way! I hate you!" Chris begins sobbing loudly in a girl voice and runs away wailing his head off.

Sheva tosses a grenade at the lickers and it explodes. Finally they are all dead.

Sheva searches for Chris but has a hard time finding him. Finally she finds a mens bathroom and knocks on the door. She can hear what sounds like Chris wailing.

Sheva: "Chris! Come out here! I apologize for what I said!" It sounds as if he is crying.

Chris: "Go away! Can't you see I just want to be left alone?"

Chris moaning: "Oh Jill...how could you leave me like this...? All alone...ooooohhhhh..."

Chris then comes out zipping up his pants. A grin on his face.

Chris: "All done! What's on your mind partner?"

Sheva: "Okaaaaayyyy...um...I'm sorry."

Chris: "Sheva, can you hear my pain?"

Sheva: "Yes I can..."

Chris in high pitched girl voice: "Then why won't you listen?"

Sheva tears up.

Sheva: "You really don't want me as a partner? That really hurts...because I have abandonment issues...you know...cause of my parents..."

Chris begins to massage her shoulder.

Chris leads her into a monitor room ad sits her down as he rubs her shoulder.

Sheva: "Chris...your hands are so strong..."

Barry: "Here's a tip for getting laid to all the fellas. Give her a shoulder massage. Lotion makes it even better. Its not just used for the purpose of slinging yogurt on your bedroom posters. Anyway massage her. Comfort her. If you massage her shoulders, she'll be massaging your prostate."

Sheva: "Chris...I want you inside me..."

Chris grins and turns off the light and begins to kiss Sheva fiercely and they begin to undress.

Barry, sound of unzipping pants: "Class dismissed...ooohhh."

Steve searches Kijuju for Claire. Suddenly a group of majinis begin to attack. Steve looks on a table and sees weapons. Steve checks out an Uzi. Then an AK-47.

Steve: "Hmmmm. I guess I gotta go with the best option. The one that will save me."

Steve takes the gold lugers next to the rocket launcher.

Steve finds a majini wounded.

Steve: "I don't know you but I feel like shooting somebody."

Majini: "Will that really stop Wesker from taking over the world?"

Steve: "I don't know about that but still, you're probably right. Help me find him servant villager!"

Majini: "You racist asshole! Haven't you ever heard of the emancipation proclamation?"

(The bill banning slavery.)

Steve: "I don't listen to Hip Hop."

Majini: "Well we're on opposite sides. I guess we both have our duties."

Steve: "Dude! You just totally said duty!" He laughs.

Majini: "You're right! I did!" They both roll with laughter. After about two minutes they calm down.

.

Majini: "Anyway, where did you learn to shoot?"

Steve: "Well I figured the real thing can't be any harder than Call of Duty Modern warfare."

Majini laughing: "You just said duty again!"

Steve angrily asks: "How is that funny?"

He shoots the majini.

Steve: "Okay...now I've completed most of the goals I've set for myself." Steve checks off one of them.

1. Eat cereal in a bathrobe.

2. Make "Sex" with a girl

3. kill a new zombie

4. grow my big boy hairs.

Steve crosses off number 3 making it the 2nd goal he had accomplished. The other being number one.

(Resident Evil 5 chapter six.

Jill: "Chris, you have to stop him! You're the only one who can! I mean you have hulking biceps! That can achieve any task!"

Chris: "Why aren't you coming with us?"

Jill: "I have to go dye my hair. Besides don't you trust your partner?"

Chris "Hehehe oh yeah I trust her al right. I've trusted her three times today!"

Jill: "Okay...I've gotta find a store with some hair dye. & for some reason ever since I've been under control my ass really hurts!"

Chris calls Josh on PDA.

Chris: "Dude, where are you? I just freed Jill! I totally got to feel her jugs!"

Josh: "I can't talk right now. I'm trying to find us an escape vehicle." Chris can hear sirens in the background as well as Wu Tang Clan blasting. He can hear automatic gunfire followed by screams.

Chris: "Okay. Me and Sheva need to get busy. Duty calls."

Josh: "Wait...do you mean you are going to have sex with her or are you going to take a shit?"

Chris: "If all goes according to plan, both!"

Chris and Sheva arrive on the ship.

Chris: "Oh my God! Those are soldiers carrying AK's! Run like fuck!" He starts to run but Sheva hits him with the cattle prod and he falls to the ground.

He gets back up.

Chris approaches a majini. Sheva opens fire on the majini.

Chris: "Where is Wesker?"

Majini growls and hit him with catttle prod.

Chris: "Oh you want to shock me do ya? Maybe a little neck snapping will jog your memory!" He snaps his neck and the majini falls to the ground.

Chris: "Oh yeah? Well maybe a little spooning will help jog your memory!"

He cuddles the dead body.

Sheva: "Come on! We're wasting time! I want to get home in time! I recorded Sex and the City on Tivo!"

Chris: "Isn't that show about three hookers and their grandmother?"

They make their way into the ship. Chris and Sheva oddly enough find a woman at a desk, dressed like a secretary.

Secretary: "Hello! You must the the BSAA! Wesker is here on this sip. Here's the map and layout to the ship as well as his plans for world domination. "

She hands them to Sheva.

Chris: "Oh yeah? Well maybe a little neck snapping will make you give me the plans!" He breaks her neck.

Sheva sighs and shakes her head.

They spot a majini.

Chris: "Hang on, babe. I got this guy."

The majini stabs him with a knife.

Chris: "Oh! So you like stabbing me with a knife , do ya? Well how about this?" He stabs the majini back. The enemy grabs an AK-47. He fires at Chris.

Chris: "So you like shooting me, do ya? Well how do you like this?"

He fires his pistol five times and hits him in the chest.

The wounded majini crawls to pull a switch.

Chris: "Oh, so you like pulling the switch for an alarm to alert the others do ya? Well how about this?"

Chris pulls it and the alarm goes off.

Chris: "Oops."

Sheva: "You've got to be kidding me."

(Stars Recruiting.)

1998

Wesker is standing before Chris, Jill, Barry, Brad ad Joseph.

Wesker: "If you want to be a part of the Alpha Team, this will be like any rite of passage into a fraternity. I was in a fraternity in college."

Wesker shows them all a picture of a bunch of blonde people who look like Wesker. The only unique one is a black man with an afro pick.

Wesker: "These guys were like my brothers! Well...except for one...anyway if you want to join the S.T.A.R.S. Alpha Team, you'll have to win at a game of Simon says!"

Chris: "Let's do this!"

Wesker: "Simon says, touch your nose."

They all do.

Wesker: "Simon says he's got a nice cock, doesn't he?" Wesker unzips his pants and whips it out.

Wesker: "Simon says stare directly at it!"

They all do.

Wesker stares at his hardened member and it shines like the sun and angelic music plays.

Wesker: "Simon says its biblical in scale!"

Wesker pulls out a keyboard and puts his penis on it.

Wesker: "Simon says, observe its musical ability!"

He uses it to play the song chopsticks on the keyboard.

All of the Alpha Team recruits applaud.

Wesker turns to Brad: "Brad, as your frat brother, I command you to lock yourself in the trunk of my car with this bottle of whiskey and don't come out until its finished!"

Wesker turns to Jill and Chris:

Wesker: "Pledges, go make me a sandwhich!" They leave the STARS office.

Wesker turns to Joseph

Wesker: "Joseph, tie this brick to the edge of your penis and then throw it off of the Balcony!"

Joseph: "Sir, thank you for making my wish come true, sir!"

He leaves the room too.. Wesker puts on a hat that says a Make a Wish Foundation on it.

Wesker: "That there is one brave kid."

Wesker and Barry begin to chant their fraternity chant.

Wesker and Barry: "Phi Alpha Gamm Phi Alpha Gamma! We're really good...at thinking up chants... Okayy not that good...wait...I've got one! No...that's stupid..."

Wesker walks down the stairs of the police station as Joseph drops the brick off of the balcony. After tying it to his genitals. He screams in agony as this happens.

Wesker: "Stop screwing around newbie!"

He grabs hold of the rope and pulls it down causing Joseph to fall.

Later that night Barry's wife comes to the car where she hears thumping in the trunk. The same trunk Brad locked himself in. She opens it and is disgusted at the site that she vomits.

Barry is screwing Brad up the butt and looks up at her. He has no condom on so he has the neck of the alcohol bottle as a contraceptive.

Barry: "I guess this is my way of telling you I want a divorce. I'll keep our daughters. You never know. They might be babes one day."

Wife: "Oh Barry...why?"

Barry: "Because Chcken Heart doesn't judge me. Hey...do you want to join in?"

Wife: "Oh Barry! This is what I deserve..." She gets in with them and they close the trunk.

OKAY PEOPLE! HOW SICK AND TWISTED WAS THAT? I HOPE YOU ENJOYED! i GUESS I'M DOING THE OTHER GAMES AFTER ALL! ANYUWAY PLEASE R&rRi WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU SPECIFICALLY THOUGHT WAS FUNNY! THAT SCENE WITH BARRY & THE KRISPY KREME ADDICTION IS A PARODY OF MENACE II SOCEITY.

NORMALLY WHEN THE CRACK HEAD SAYS HE'LL SUCK HIS DICK, THE DEALER SHOOTS HIM. BUT NOT IN THIS TWISTED SHIT! LOL R&R! Also this might be the last chapter, Reviewers choice! Keep going or wrap it up? Its all on your calls!

Later!