Facing Up To Reality

A/N Faye is not pregnant in this fic. She is now with Linden.

"You can slam as many doors in my face as you wish, but I will keep knocking until you let me in".

Joseph's words were stuck in Jac's head, like a CD that was on 'repeat' mode. She really had not expected him to say that. Especially after what she had spat at him. Jac knew she would have found it easier if Joseph had fought back and told her to 'get stuffed'. But oh no, he had finally said it. That word, the one word he previously could not bring himself to say, he had of course come close before. No more so than the lockdown,but even then the seriousness of their plight couldn't force Joseph to actually say the words I love you out loud. Instead Joseph had plunged headlong into a marriage that was doomed from the off. That was perhaps the reason why Jac was so reluctant to accept or to listen to his pleas for forgiveness now. How many times had Faye spun him lie after lie, Pretend that nothing was her fault, plead her innocence and have the sheer nerve to claim she was a victim of bad circumstances! Joseph had continually swallowed whatever line Faye had fed him, as the evidence steadily mounted that she just couldn't be trusted. Jac knew she was hardly an angel in all of this, her actions had driven Joseph into the arms of Faye in the first place. Looking back, it had all seemed so easy. She had arrived at Holby with one ambition, one soul aim, the consultant's post. Nothing and nobody was going to get in her way.

In fact, Jac's first impression of Joseph was unflattering to say the least. He was supposed to be a high-flying doctor,but at times his lack of confidence or self belief in his own ability said otherwise. Joseph would never cut corners or tread on any toes to get where he wanted to be. He'd smile politely and wait his turn, like a good boy. At the time Jac thought he had no real ambition. Jac of course was the exact opposite. She was never afraid to ruffle a few feathers, or do whatever it took as long she made steady progress up the career ladder. Who cares if people got hurt in the process? Life was too short to hang around and see if any opportunities would land in her lap. Jac had to look out for number one, after all no one else was going to. At the beginning of her relationship with Joseph Byrne, she saw him as nothing more than the next stepping stone to her never ending quest for promotion. Of course she was physically drawn to him, she even found his quirks stangely endearing after a while. 'Love' was not something on her agenda. Jac had always found romance, a hindrance, something she had neither the time nor the patience to be bothered with. Having said that she did get closer to Joseph than she'd ever allowed anyone else to be. Yet domestic bliss was never going to be enough for Jac Naylor. It was then she made a concious choice - one that would only benefit her long - term career prospects. The decision to start a 'relationship' with Lord Byrne was, in hindsight the single worst decision Jac had made in her life. She regretted that choice more than any other... Made worse as her feelings for Joseph began to creep up on her again, she knew she had totally wrecked her one chance to experience what true happiness really felt like with someone. It was only when it was far too late did the full consequences of what she had done hit her...

Jac was snapped out of her painful memories, as Louise Carter came into her room.

LOUISE: How are you doing?

JAC: (Sarcastically) I'm on top of the world, thanks.

LOUISE: I can only imagine what you must be going through, I just need to put some fresh bandanges on the wound. How's the pain?

JAC: On a scale of one to ten, probably seven, yesterday I'd say it was nearer nine.

LOUISE: Well that's a good sign, but we'll try and reduce that pain further.

Jac braces herself as Louise pulls back the blankets. Jac hadn't dared look at what remained of her leg since the accident. Her upper leg looked normal enough, the knee joint was still in tact, Below that was a white bandange where her lower leg should have been. Jac winced in pain as Louise removed and replaced the dressing as carefully as she could.

LOUISE: There we go, it's all done. Depending on how you feel tomorrow you could use a wheelchair. I expect you are sick of staring at blank walls.

JAC: Yeah you can say that again!

LOUISE: Joseph keeps asking after you by the way - even though he saw you yesterday. He's still devastated by what happened.

JAC: it's guilt, that's all.

LOUISE: I get the impression, he cares a lot about you, the way he has spoken about you recently says as much.

JAC: We have a lot of history, it's complicated.

LOUISE: You can tell me to get lost here, but I think you both need to say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Jac swallows a lump in her throat.

JAC: We do too much damage to each other.

LOUISE: It seems to me, not only are you intent on punishing Joseph, but yourself as well. Whatever you've done to each other, maybe it's time to let go.

Louise gives Jac a friendly pat on the shoulder, leaving Jac to get lost in her thoughts once more...