I stood up on one good foot, then leaned on Mickey as we headed to the kitchen. We had just one evening left together, and I felt like this was a goodbye as we sat on the sofa watching a film.
We watched a western, filled with cowboys doing the right thing, and shoot-outs but I didn't pay attention. I couldn't focus on anything but the sense of parting we felt between us.
"If I come back to see you some time- if I want to be with you, for a while at least- where do I go?" I asked softly as the credits rolled.
Mickey hesitated, then "Shorn" he finally said. "My main base is on Shorn. Or at least, it will be."
I nodded, and then said nothing for a while.
"I'll give you a code. It'll let you get close." He promised, and I smiled.
"We seem to have chosen our paths. Or in a way, have them chosen for us" I noted.
"Even if we have, I intend for my path to cross yours as often as I can." he said, kissing my hair.
"No." I answered, and he looked surprised and I thought for a second I saw hurt. "No, let me come to you. That way, what happened can't happen again" he was placated and his face smoothed out. I looked at the now-blank screen.
There was a beeping, and we had arrived. Mickey glanced up.
"I better let the men on base know it's us before they shoot." He said, jumping up and heading into the cockpit. I waited, and felt more than heard as he steered us up to the ship and docked.
When Mickey came back into the room, it seemed like the small time alone was enough to change his mindset: he had finished saying goodbye.
He opened the door, and walked down the ramp. I wondered if he was just leaving like that, nothing more. My heart sank, and I felt hurt.
Then he reappeared. He had two things with him, a small case, and a stick. It looked like a stick, at least.
"This is a cane" Mickey said. "It'll help you walk." He handed it to me, and I stood. It seemed awkward, but it did its job in being steady enough to stand in the place of my failed leg.
"This is a supply of sugar blue" he handed me the case. I looked at him in surprise, and then peeked in the case.
"There's six month's worth here!" I exclaimed. His mouth thinned.
"At least I know it proper sugar blue. Some of the stuff on the market these days is more poisonous than anything else" he said, then added under his breath "you would think they were trying to kill their customers"
I laughed at that, and he gave a sheepish smile.
"And maybe this will make you come back to me" he said.
"Honestly Mickey! I would have come back anyway. I said I have things to do, but I'm not intending to stay away forever." I retorted, and he had the manners to blush.
I stepped up and kissed him. "But thank you anyway."
"The password is in the case, when you do come back." He said. I saw him twitch slightly; knowing he wanted to be away, to use the new found determination to start on his new resolve.
"I'm off" I said cheerfully. "See you soon again. At six months at the latest" I teased, setting the case on the table. He laughed.
"See ya, darlin" he said, grabbing my waist with his arm, and kissing me one last time before he walked out.
I closed the door, the headed to the cockpit. I saw Mickey standing on the dock, watching with two men beside him. I smiled, and then started the engines, pulling out of the dock and Mickey's life. For now.
The first stop I did on my new life was a truly devastated colony. They were all staring as I landed, and I stared back as I left the ship. There was not a single person in the whole colony that was not dressed in rags.
"I come with supplies" I announced to the group, and heard the intake of breath all around the group.
"I have medicines, seeds, and cloth. Some food, but not much." I said, and one stepped forwards.
"And what will it cost us?" he demanded. I looked seriously at him. His form was thin enough so that I saw the shape of his ribs through his clothing.
"Nothing. This isn't a trade: it's a charity mission" I said honestly, and their eyes lit up. Though I saw many were still sceptical, they followed me willingly enough around the ship.
"What's with your leg?" the designated spokesman demanded. I sighed.
"I got shot at the last colony." I said, inventing on the spot. "They decided not to believe I was giving the things away for free. Preferred to shoot"
He raised an eyebrow at that.
"What happened to this colony? It's a fertile planet!" I demanded in response.
"Plague. Carried off most of us, and we haven't enough strength to harvest." He replied blandly.
I opened the hatch. "You have a 500 unit allowance. You can choose to take as many of either seeds or cloth or medicine. Food you will get a share." I announced. "I'm sorry it's so, but there are many colonies I have to visit" I added.
"Only right that we take our share" an old man said. "Couldn't ask to take what goes to others" the others seemed to agree, some even nodding. I took the leader into the hull, and he looked carefully over the items, and then asked to have some time to talk to those on the colony. I told him he had one day.
They left, gathering in their square. I closed up the ship and went to wait in the front part. Staring at the painting on the wall, I knew I had to paint it over: it was well and truly ruined.
It took the villagers an entire day. I let the ship search out the voices and listened as they argued. Many wanted as much food as possible. Others wanted the seeds.
There were some it seemed who wanted to take it all. They seemed to have quite a bit of a gathering until the leader pointed out acidly that I had a ship, I could just fly away. He retold what I had said, saying that I must have been through that before, and had left. Those people no doubt got nothing for their efforts, others added. The hotheads simmered down.
I was halfway through painting the wall white before they returned. Leaving the ship, I went to confer with them. They had chosen a balance that would get them as much of all of it as possible.
Once in the hull with the leader again, I meted out what they wanted, and they carried it and the food victoriously into the village.
"I will return again in maybe three months?" I said, making it a question. The leader nodded.
"Thank you." He seemed to be putting as much emphasis on the words as possible. "You have given us a chance to survive the winter."
"It will be the same as before" I warned. "I could get some technology as well, but I can't give that to you. I will lower the price as much as possible, but generators are expensive." I felt bad for demanding payment, but the man simply pursed his lips.
"We have a quarry not too far from here. There's magnesium in the mines, I know that" he suggested. I brightened.
"Then…" I calculated in my mind. "Ten standard units? No, make that five. I'll recuperate the losses somehow" I promised. He looked surprised.
"A basic generator would cost at least twenty." He said in a shocked tone.
"Just mine as much as you can spare the men for, I'm not asking for more" I said placating. "You do have work to do to restore the colony after all" I said, and he nodded. Holding out a hand he looked me in the eye.
"Three months" he said, and I took the offered hand.
"Three months" I agreed, then left.
The next colony was in better condition, and they preferred the seeds. I was shocked at the ragged shape of all the colonies. They were poor in the extreme.
The next was as poor at the first, the third half dead already. There I had to stay a while, giving most of my food and helping burn the bodies of the dead. I gave them a larger portion, and promised to see them again in three months, like the rest. Many were crying at the thought of the help. At each colony I offered a natural resource in exchange for a generator, and at each one they managed to think of something they could sell and promised to gather it up.
I noticed in colony after colony that there were so few children, as if the women couldn't spare the energy to bear children. I started to wonder and plan. After visiting my twentieth colony, I headed back to the general market.
I had plenty of money stashed there, and I had many plans to use it. I searched the market for the lowest grains, and the most medicines. I went for that which was years past the modern, since it was that which I could buy in the largest bulk. I filled my ship with tools and grain and even after hefty bargaining, twenty small generators. They were old and basic, but well worth it. I had cut heavily into my funds, and started to wonder how much help I could actually be.
Arriving back on the first colony, I felt my spirits rising. I saw they had made new clothes and patched the old ones and were tilling the fields, some already planted. I was greeted with shouts of happiness.
"So you did come back!" the leader called, pulling me into a hug that almost toppled me over if he hadn't caught me.
"I came back, and I have grain, and even better: new tools" I announced, grinning.
"Well, the grain will be welcome indeed, but not as much as the tools" he laughed.
"They're an older style, but good enough." I confessed, but he waved it away. Letting them into the hull was like letting a group of children into a candy store. They exclaimed at the things I had and began to bargain immediately at their five hundred units. I was surprised how easily they accepted the limit.
"Come here" I said to the leader, and he followed me curiously into the quiet back. I knelt by a box, and opened it to reveal the generator. He gasped and fell to his knees, looking at it.
"Its second hand, and a bit old, but steady enough" I said quietly. "It will produce enough power for your colony, but I'm afraid not much more"
He shook his head. "We can handle old machines, and I don't care how many hands it's gone through. This will bring us through the winter" he said, then looked guiltily at me.
"We only managed three units" he said sheepishly. "Of magnesium, I mean" I smiled.
"Three is better than nothing and selling it will mean I have money to come back another round" I informed him, and he grinned.
"And next time you come around we will have more. Perhaps those mining tools will come in handy" he said.
"And if you get up a production, I can sell it for you. I have good contacts; you will get a good price. Enough to maybe get your own trading ship one day" I said, and he laughed.
"That would be a dream indeed." Then he sobered. "If any are alive at that point."
I looked curiously at him, and he sighed.
"The plague made us sterile" he said sadly. "There will never be children on this colony. I felt surprised.
"Why don't you adopt?" I blurted out, and he shot a look at me.
"Adopt?" he asked, suspiciously.
"Yeah. From the orphanage. There are loads of children living just waiting for parents. If you want to, you could take some in. being orphans, they are used to hard work" I suggested, then backtracked. "Though you don't have to if you want to. Just think about it"
He nodded, seemingly lost in thought. Then he said "do they cost much?"
I sighed heavily.
"Adopting is free" I explained. "I can arrange it, if you want. Think about it. It doesn't have to be now, but it would do the universe some good" he grinned at that, agreeing that indeed it would.
They invited me to stay the night, and I laughed at the young men and women as they capered around the large bonfire in the centre of the village. We feasted off the foods I had brought.
I did not, however, miss the fact that the elders of the village were closeted off for most of the night.
That morning, I was preparing to set off when a large group approached me, led by a woman who seemed formidable even in her starved state.
"You say you can bring children?" she demanded in a loud voice, and everyone turned to stare.
"Yes" I said, shocked. "If you want them, that is"
"We do. We want children, Miss Lingon" she announced. I felt my eyebrows lift.
"Well, I would certainly love to bring them to you, but you will have to tell me more: how many children, what ages, girls or boys, the like" she looked shocked.
"We have a choice?" she said, as if the thought hadn't crossed her mind.
"There are more than five thousand orphans in the orphanage on Mede Six." I drew myself up. "That's where I came from. I always wished for someone to adopt me, even if I had to starve in a colony I would have loved it above the hell that I lived in"
The woman couldn't think of anything to say.
"I would advise families to consider if they want any and how many and what ages. I'll be at my ship until this afternoon." I grabbed my bag and walked off. The cane was fast becoming my firm friend, and I was used to a lopsided gait now that took me forwards as fast as proper walking. I also found to my curious fascination that people treated me with more respect when I had the cane.
Sitting on a knoll by the ship at noon, I saw what seemed like the entire colony approach, the formidable woman walking in the forefront alongside the leader.
"We have decided." He said. "Each family has decided. We want the children." He handed me a list of ages and sexes attached to names, and I chocked. The list went into thirty children.
"This will take some time to arrange" I said. He gave a slightly mischievous grin.
"Oh, that's alright. We'll see you in three months"
"Three months" I said, nodding. I stumbled back to my ship, quite bowled over by the amount of children. Taking off, I started to worry about how to go about this. I had planned to talk to each colony and offer them the chance to adopt, but if each one wanted thirty children then my life would be hell for a while.
I shook my head stubbornly. I remembered the time I spent in the orphanage, and all the daydreams I had that I would be taken away. Even if I had to transport children in bulk, I would do this.
Creating lives for children and building communities out of colonies seemed a good way to work at repaying all I owed.
The next colony was also doing better. They stored their quartz beside the magnesium and I gave them the generator. Once I had offloaded the five hundred units, I told them about the children they could adopt. They gave me a list of ten children. I added them to the list that I already had, and thought that I would have to bring a good deal of money to buy that many children, even in Mede Six.
Colony after colony came and went, until my hold was empty of food and full of raw gatherings and I had list of a hundred and twelve children. This would have to be done in steps.
I flew to Connor, who would know what to do.
"Why are ye so desperate to give these folks children?" he asked in surprise as I blurted it out to him. Then I paled.
"I have a debt to pay" I said, staring him in the eye.
"So it finally happened, did it?" he said wisely. "You finally saw the beast on the outside."
He nodded to that, but agreed to do a transformation to my ship. I got place for fifty children, beds and food. Connor even offered some of his own cloth to bed sheets. I was going to refuse, but the entire city suddenly was offering too. They had heard what I was doing, and was helping. Some came with food and others children's clothes. The pastor seemed to have preached the divinity in giving to good will, and I was overwhelmed.
"You are doing a good thing, child" the pastor said, with a disconcertingly piercing stare. "I told you to that bad things happened outside, but this way at least we can spread the good word a bit." Then he handed me a pile of bibles to give to 'those poor souls' in the colonies.
Then I flew to Mede Six. I felt my spirit quail as I approached that place. I saw the dark smog that surrounded the industrial planet where they worked the children. I guess not much had changed once I landed, because they took one look at my glossy sophisticated ship and hurried me to the head mistress.
"Well, what can we do for you today?" she said in a simpering sweet voice when I was sat across the desk across from her.
"I wish to trade" I said, the words that had been spoken over and over through time to start negotiations.
"Indeed, we welcome all custom" she smiled.
"I have clients on colonies who have found their fortune and now desire children" I said, piously. "I agreed to act as go-between"
Her face changed to eagerness. They were always ready to sell children.
"Of course! It would be so wonderful for our dear charges to find fitting homes." She trilled, "How many are they looking for?"
"112 to be divided between twenty colonies" I said bluntly. She looked shocked for a moment.
"Why! I don't know what to say, there has rarely been such a demand!" she was fluttering. "So many children! Are you purchasing that entire sum?" her eyes narrowed greedily at the end.
"You will find this sum generously covers all the children" I said casually, pushing a tablet across the table. She grabbed it, and looked it over. Her face lit up, and I knew I had calculated right. The sum was a hefty one, and would well cover all the children.
"Once we sign the contract, I will pay half now and half when the children are delivered." I said.
"Why split the sum?" she asked, confused.
"My ship only holds fifty at the time" I said, and she nodded wisely. I would have to do two trips.
"Here is a list of the ages and gender of the first fifty. How fast can you have them to me?" I asked, handing her a list. She looked it over, then rung a bell.
A woman in grey entered and took the list silently, looking over it. She nodded, and then left.
"An hour at most" the head mistress promised sweetly. "Tea?" she offered.
I sat, and pretended to enjoy myself while we chattered. Finally after what seemed like an eternity the grey woman came back in.
"They are gathered at the dock, Mistress" she murmured, and the mistress smiled at me in the same sickly sweet manner.
"Oh so wonderful, isn't it?" she said. I nodded, then tapped the pad once
"The first sum is now transferred. I shall return in two weeks for the others. Shall I give you the qualifications now?" I asked blandly. She trilled happily.
"Of course! So much more wonderful to prepare the little chimps!" she sang out in her falsetto.
I left. The children were indeed waiting in the docks, a mixture on apprehension and hope in their faces. I got them all into the cargo hold, now two levels with soft beds and a girls and boy's bath. They were looking around amazed as we took off.
Setting the first colony into the computer, I headed through the new connecting door to the cargo hold, and gathered all the children on the top floor.
"Look, first I want to say that I know the life you lived, I lived it too. I was sold to Mede Six when I was a baby, so at least I can sympathize" they nodded carefully.
"You are going to become colonist's children." I said. "It's not an easy life, there's much hard work involved. But if you're up to it, there's love in it for you, and a better future"
"We get to be loved?" asked a little girl, and I nodded.
"Thirty will go to the first colony. I will introduce you to your new parents. Speaking of families," I said, pulling a notepad out.
"Raise your hand if you are four years old" several hands went up and I looked over them, pointing at each and saying a name. "Thrombson, Leemark, Haywright, Thund, Smith, Peterson. Remember these names, they are now yours." They nodded seriously. "Do you want me to write them down?" I asked, and they shook their heads. "Can you say them back to me?" I asked, and one by one they repeated the names perfectly.
"Good. You can go and take a bath then get some sleep" the six melted away. "Next, five year olds" I asked, and more hands went up. I went through all the names, and had them repeated back to me before I released them. Finally I was left with three twelve-year-olds.
"You have your names here, pick your own" I said, showing the tablet, and they each picked a name. "You are the oldest of the children; you have to keep an eye on them. Make sure that they go to their parents" I warned, and they nodded seriously. I turned to one. "You will go to the leader of the first colony. That was the name you chose. You're going to have to make sure the others behave" he nodded seriously.
"Each of you goes to a different colony. We will arrive at the fist one tomorrow. Be ready then" I waved a hand at the back of the room. "There is food and fruit in those cupboards. Be aware your new lives will not have this much food"
None complained, and they took their lot silently. I wondered if I was doing the right thing, then dismissed the idea. These children would work in the fields, but at least they would be out of the smog-drenched factories. There they wouldn't live long.
Halfway through the evening, a small girl appeared in the doorway. I glanced up from the ledgers.
"Are we really going away?" she asked, clutching her blanket. I sighed, and then opened my arms. She walked up to me, and I pulled her onto my lap.
"Yes. You are going to go live with a family that will love you" I promised, secretly praying desperately that this would be so. "What was your name?" I asked.
"Mary. Now I'm supposed to say Mary Thund" she said seriously.
"Well, Mary Thund, you get to meet your parents tomorrow. They will be poor, but their hearts are good. I wouldn't take you too them otherwise" I said softly. She nodded. "Could you do something for me?" I asked, and she looked up with wide eyes.
"When we land, there will be a time when everyone goes quiet, just when I say you're all here" I said. "I want you then to say your new name and ask for your parents. Could you do that?" she nodded. I smiled.
"Atta girl! Now, go sleep. You will have a long day tomorrow, you need rest" I said, and set her down. I looked up and one of the older children was there.
"Could you make sure Mary gets some sleep?" I asked them, and they nodded seriously.
They left, and I went back to my books. I started at the start of what I had spent and worked through it. I had spent well over three quarters of all the money I had stashed up, and would have to do a good deal of trading to get those reserves back. I also saw with a pang it was five months since I had last seen Mickey. Once this was over, I promised myself, I would go see him.
We arrived the next day, and I separated out the thirty that would be living here. The rest stayed on the ship, with the promise that soon they too would find a new home.
I saw the village walk up as I herded the children off the ship. They stared at the children like parched people stared at water. I stepped in front of the children.
"They are all here now" I said, gesturing to the children, and paused. I waited, and hoped.
"Thund" came a little voice after a moment. The colony zoned in on the poor girl, clutching her blanket to her. "I'm going to be Mary Thund" she continued, and a woman stepped forwards.
"Hello, Mary. My name is Luisa, and I'm going to be your mother" she said. The little girl started at her, and then threw her arms around the woman's neck. The woman picked her up and walked back to her husband.
"Are we going to have a little boy, too?" the man asked smiling slightly at the crowd. A small boy picked his way out of the group.
"I'm peter" he said, and the man stretched a hand out seriously to him.
"Hello peter, I'm Thomas. I'm going to be your father" he said. Then he picked the boy up.
"Thank you" he said, and they turned, heading into the village. This seemed to start a flood, as the children called out their new names and the new parents found them. I watched a community form as with tears and hugs, families were created. Glancing at the leader, I saw the twelve-year-old standing with the mans hand on his shoulder. His wife had a small boy expertly balanced on her hip. The leader nodded gravely, then they ushered the large group into the village. They wouldn't need me here now.
I walked back onto the ship, and saw the children that were left standing quietly in the doorway.
"Will it be like that for us too?" one asked, yearning clear in his voice. I nodded, and then smiled.
"We're off to the next colony, what you say to watch a movie?" I asked, and their eyes glowed with excitement.
Taking off, I arrayed the children around the screen and picked out an old hero movie, which seemed to captivate them. The next colony wasn't so far away, and we reached there by the end of the day, even though on the planet it was noon.
The small colony took the ten children in with gusto, having clearly prepared. The houses were vigorously cleaned and the gardens were neat. It seemed the thought of children had made a barren place come together and form a home. These children were in for a hard time, but from the looks on the faces of the new parents, it probably wouldn't matter to them. I saw the love I had promised already there, and felt like a little part of me fell back into place.
"I'm going to take you to the next colony together." I told the last twelve. "You make up the amount to the next colony" I said, and they gladdened. I saw that they had felt left out as they watched their companions greeted lovingly, and dearly wanted a place of their own. It was clear how much they wanted a place, when they literally threw themselves into the arms of their new families, prompting some questions about the orphanage. I answered honestly that I thought it was a horrible, disgusting place. I saw the answer to that in their sudden determination to make a 'proper' home for their new children.
I left for the next bunch. Breathing a sigh at being alone, I felt like this might go far to what I had to repay. Maybe if I made sure these colonies did well, then those lives could balance out the men I let burn.
I shook my head hard at the images rising suddenly in my head. Don't look back I repeated, over and over to myself.
When I arrived at Mede Six, the mistress had a surprise for me, in the form of sixty two children.
"I'm being audited." She snapped. "Take the children, send the money and don't talk to anyone"
I did as she said, giving her the money. Then suddenly I had a hull so full of children I didn't know what to do. I told them the same that I told the last bunch and divided them up by colony, each getting a certain amount of beds. I fretted a lack of space, but the older ones told me not to worry. They explained in world weary terms they were used to it, and understood when I said I couldn't leave any behind.
I set extra speed to the colonies, food running out fast. At the eleventh colony, they told me the news that they had heard that Mede Six was closing and the orphans sent elsewhere. I told them that I had to take all the children in one go, and if I hadn't, I didn't doubt I wouldn't get them all.
"Ye did the right thing" one woman told me, firmly holding on to her new daughter. "A bit of a squeeze now is better than not getting them at all" the others nodded around her, and I felt grateful.
Two weeks and an empty hold later, I turned my ship to Shorn. I had to confess I was low on resources now. My power cells were in dire need of recharging, and I had given all my food to the children. I was living purely on my drugs, and knew that I would collapse soon.
"Identify" came a strange voice as I approached the system where the planet Shorn was.
"Tina, of the ship the Silver Swan." I said in the microphone. There was a silence down the line, and I fed the code I was given into the channel quickly.
I held my breath as I waited: normally I wouldn't be worried, but my power reserves were so low it was fly or shield. I didn't like those options. Finally a voice crackled through the speakers.
"Clear." Was all it said, and a list of co-ordinates followed. I set off to the place it pointed to, a ship ghosting by me, maintaining a superior fire position all the way down. I gasped as I saw the house.
Mickey had made his home sound small and old. What I saw was amazing. It was like an ancient majestic desert manor house. Out from that I saw a settlement with an overflow of buildings that all shared the red-sandstone building blocks with the main house. It was clear here was a headquarters of someone very powerful.
I landed in what looked like a deserted dock. Feeling like I was still watched, I cut all power and lowered the gangway while still in the cockpit. That should be a gesture of good faith to whoever was watching, as it meant I couldn't take off and more importantly no power meant that I was unarmed: the equivalent of putting your hands up.
Heading down the gangway, I looked around in amazement. It was incredible, and I had a hard time keeping it from leaking into my face and gaping like an idiot.
"Miss Lingon?" I turned, and saw a figure I recognized.
"Milligan?" I said happily.
"Indeed" he said. Then he looked at me sharply, "You are unwell" he noted.
"Ran out of food a week or so ago, been too busy to stock up" I shrugged. I saw Milligan's lips purse, and knew he thought that I should have taken better care.
He led me through the halls of the docks and into other buildings. As we approached the big house, I saw him waiting in the doorway.