Disclaimer: I don't own. We all know this. If I did that scene in Eclipse with Jasper telling Bella of his past on the cliff edge would have been so different. In my version he'd have shoved Alice off and Bella would have offered her a Zippo to light her way down. .
They are 24 in the memory.
Song for Chapter: Had Enough by Lifehouse featuring Chris Daughtry
The way this chapter was supposed to go would, I figured, make everyone mad at Jasper. While the first part will probably still do that, the end will probably start to redeem himself in everyone's eyes.
Enjoy and you might want to have a tissue handy just in case.
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March 17 and 18, 2005
Ring, ring
I glanced at my phone for the thirtieth time in the last two hours. Seeing it was once again Bella I hit ignore.
"Her again," James asked glancing over from the couch.
"Yes, god, I know she was pissed I came with you this week, but to keep on and on is driving me crazy. I mean I just left two days ago."
"She was probably thinking if she was silent then it would make you change your mind and go back sooner. That didn't work so now she's going to blow up your phone to annoy you."
As if on cue, the phone rang as he finished talking. I didn't even see if it was her, instead I just hit ignore.
The nagging had gotten so bad since the beginning of the year that I needed a break. I wanted to have fun and I'm sorry if coming to Vegas with James wasn't her idea of fun.
"Dude let's just go out. Leave your phone here and that way you won't have to worry about it."
I nodded and stood, leaving my phone lying on the couch.
We had a blast gambling and drinking. We'd step out into an alley every now and then to smoke. It was a great night just like the last two had been.
It was around midnight and we were in the Luxor Hotel when James's phone rang. He glanced at the caller ID and his brows knitted.
"Who is it?"
"Peter." He said. That was a big surprise, Peter never called him.
"He probably can't get a hold of you on your phone. I bet your girl got him to call you. I'm going to ignore it."
I nodded and hit on 13.
We headed back up to our room around 3 and collapsed. Peter had called a few more times leaving a message each time, but James didn't bother listening to it. We were having too much fun to be bothered.
The next morning or afternoon I should say, after glancing at the clock, I stumbled into the living room and retrieved my phone. I saw that Bella had continued to call me up until 11 last night, then mom seemed to take over, Peter was there, and last were a few from Felix. I noticed I had new voicemails and for the first time I thought something might be wrong.
Not bothering to listen to the messages I dialed Bella's cell right away, but it went straight to voicemail. Hanging up I dialed moms' and she answered on the first ring. .
"You better have a good reason to just now be calling me back." She said as soon as she picked up.
"I'm sorry, we were out. What's wrong?" I said standing up to grab something to drink.
"Charlie died."
All the air left my lungs and I dropped back down onto the couch. "What happened?"
"He had a massive heart attack sitting at his desk."
"Is Bella okay?" I questioned.
"What do you think son? She's hurting. She was alone when Charlie's deputy called her. She couldn't get a flight until late last night and then she had to fly alone. And right now even though I'm here she's alone. She needs you. She tried to call you so many times, but she didn't want to leave it in a message. Then I tried. We got Peter to call James's phone and Felix and still nothing."
"I know. I'm so sorry mom, I'm so damn sorry."
"I'm not the one you need to apologize to. Just get here. The funeral is tomorrow at 11 in the morning."
"I'll be there as soon as I can. Tell her I love her."
"I will, just know this conversation between you and I is nowhere near close to being done."
"Yes ma'am. I'm going to go pack now and go to the airport. Hopefully I can get a quick flight."
"I hope so too. I love you."
"I love you too mom."
I flipped my phone closed and rushed to the bedroom. Grabbing my bag I threw my clothes in haphazardly, not bothering to be quiet.
"Dude what the fuck?" James's muffled voice asked.
"I have to go."
"What? Why? We're here three more days. She give you the guilt trip. I told you not to call her..."
"Shut up," I said cutting him off. "Her dad died."
"Oh, well could you quit being so damn loud. I'm trying to sleep."
I shook my head at his comment, but didn't have time to get into it with him.
I finished what I was doing and threw my strap over my shoulder. Not bothering to tell him I was going I left the hotel room. I didn't even bother with check-out; James could take care of it.
I hailed a cab and made it to the airport around 2:30. I then spent the next thirty minutes begging the woman behind the counter to get me on the next available flight, but she wasn't being accommodating.
...
"Sir I understand where you're coming from, but everything is booked solid until tomorrow morning. I can have you confirmed on the flight that leaves at 6:30 a.m."
"That's not good enough. The funeral is tomorrow morning and I'd never make it in time. Please."
She gave me a sympathetic look and went back to her computer, but she was shaking her head so I knew things weren't good.
"The only other thing is the standby list as I've said, however if someone misses their flight because of a delay our policy is to give them first standby seats."
"Please ma'am. I have to be there. I've messed up so bad and I don't even know if my going will even fix it, but I have to be there for her. Please."
She bit her lip and watched my face for a few minutes. Whatever she found she finally nodded and said "Let me speak to my boss okay? I'll be back in just a second."
"Okay." I leaned my head onto my arms and waited as she walked away.
I don't know how long I stood there before I felt a light touch on my arm and a whispered, "Sir."
I quickly swiped the moisture off my face and glanced at the older woman beside me.
"Sir my name is Sandra. Maggie explained everything. She's going to confirm you on the 6:30 am flight just in case, but then I'm going to walk you through security and to the Seattle gate. I'll speak with the attendants there and have them keep you at the top of the standby list. You will take precedence over anyone and hopefully we can get you out of here today."
"Thank you."
"You're welcome. Let's get you taken care of here and then we'll head over to the gate."
It took no time to get through the booking process or the security line. Once we made it to the gate Sandra spoke with the attendant who assured both of us she would make sure I was first on the list all day.
Once that was out of the way I planted myself in a chair and tried to call Bella again. The phone picked up on the second ring, but only her breathing could be heard.
When she didn't say anything I said, "Bella I'm so sorry. I'm at the airport now. Baby, I'll be there as soon as I can."
"I needed you yesterday." She said in response, her voice breaking at the end.
"I know. I'm so sorry."
"Sorry isn't going to make it better."
"I know."
I could hear her crying softly and I hated myself, knowing that it wasn't just Charlie that was making her cry.
After about five minutes she spoke again. "I need to go, there are a few more arrangements I need to take care of before the viewing tonight."
"Alright. I'll call when I'm about to board, but you can call if you want to talk before then."
"Will you answer?"
I fought tears as I said, "Yes. I love you Bella."
"You too." Was all she said before hanging up.
I flipped my phone closed feeling like complete shit and prayed with everything I had that the next flight would be the one I'd be on.
-0-
March 19, 2005
"Fucking hell," I groaned glancing at the clock in the dash and seeing it was already 9:00.
All the praying yesterday had not gotten me on a flight until 3:30 this morning and I still had a half hour before I made it to Forks.
Mom had already called this morning wanting to know where I was and she'd not been happy with me. I could only imagine how Bella felt since she wouldn't even answer my call.
I finally, after what seemed like forever, pulled into Charlie's driveway. My mom's car was the only one there and I quickly rushed inside, finding her in the kitchen and drinking a cup of coffee.
She looked up as I stopped in the doorway.
"Go take a shower."
"Is she...?"
"No. She's already gone to the funeral home. I told her I'd wait for you and then we'd be there. Hurry up; I don't like leaving her by herself."
"Was it bad last night at the viewing?"
"It's been bad since she found out. You'd know that if you had been with her." She said as a tear rolled down her cheek.
"Mom?"
"Go shower. We'll talk later and believe me we have a lot to talk about. Bella told me some things we need to set right, but right now is not the time."
"Yes ma'am." I said, turning toward the stairs and then remembered I had nothing appropriate to wear.
Angling my body back toward the kitchen I said, 'Mom..."
She cut me off. "Your suit is hanging in her room. Even in her grief she though of you. Now hurry."
I nodded and raced upstairs. If I hadn't thought I could feel worse everything my mother said proved me wrong.
I quickly showered and dressed, going back downstairs when I was done. Mom was waiting for me by the front door and silently we went out to her car, driving the short distance to the funeral home. There were a few regular cars and many police cars already there.
We walked in the front door and found cops in full dress uniforms standing around quietly talking. Mom smiled at a few before moving further into the room and toward a side room.
As soon as we turned the corner I found Bella, standing beside the casket that held her father. I had to fight tears as I took in her tear stained face. Her eyes were puffy and she had a sad smile as she talked to Deputy Mark, Charlie's main deputy, who stood beside her.
As if sensing my gaze her head lifted and caught my eyes. She crumpled and I rushed over, taking her in my arms. Her tiny hands gripped the front of my jacket as she sobbed into my chest and I couldn't stop my own tears from coming.
No one bothered us for a long time as we stayed like we were. Bella's cries tapered off, but she continued to hold me to her and I don't think I could have let go even if I wanted too.
What seemed like hours later a throat cleared softly followed by a male voice. "Ms. Swan, it's time if you're ready."
She nodded and pulled back, wiping her eyes with a tissue. "Yes. I'm as ready as I'll ever be."
I wrapped my arm around her waist, feeling her lean against me as we made our way out of the room and into the chapel. It was completely full and at standing room only. More police officers than I could count took up most of the back wall, sides and a few pews. The rest were filled with people from town.
Bella and I walked slowly down the middle aisle and found my mother in the front row. Bella slid in beside her and quickly took her hand. I sat down and put my arm around the back of her shoulder, holding her close to my side. Soft music played in the background and I recognized it as a song Charlie liked.
After a few minutes the music stopped and I heard the doors in the back open. Bella took a ragged breath and I pulled her even closer.
She didn't look up as the coffin was carried past by six officers, nor did she when they fixed the American flag at one end and opened it. Only when the reverend started speaking did she look up and she had to stifle a sob behind her hand.
I rubbed her shoulder in comfort and glanced at my mom, who had her own tears running down her face.
The funeral was simple just like Charlie was. Reverend Weber spoke about his love for Bella. His dedication to keeping the town safe and his love of fishing and sports. Deputy Mark said words about the kind of boss he was. The Reverend asked if Bella wanted to say a few words, but she'd shaken her head no, too choked up to talk at all.
Reverend Weber said a prayer and then we followed the casket out into the weak sunlight.
The drive to the cemetery was silent. Bella sat with her head leaning against the window of her rental car while mom followed behind us in her car.
Once everyone had gathered around the grave more words were spoken and then taps were played. A 21 gun salute followed, making Bella jump each time the shots when off.
When they folded the flag and Deputy Mark handed it to her, saluting her afterwards she broke even more. Her body drew in on itself as she hugged the flag to her chest. The tears and sobs tore from her body in heaving gasps and I'd never felt more helpless.
No other words were spoken, the silence only broken with the quiet crying of others and Bella as they lowered Charlie's casket.
The crowd dispersed soon after, to head over to his home, my mom went as well, leaving Bella and I by the grave.
We sat there for an hour before she finally stood.
The drive back was just as silent as it had been over there.
The rest of the day passed with sympathetic wishes, small anecdotes about Charlie, hugs, and thank you for comings. I stayed by Bella's side. I made sure she ate something even though it was just a small triangle half of a sandwich.
Around 4 the last person left and Bella slowly climbed the stairs to her room. I followed, leaving mom in the kitchen straightening up.
I sat on the end of Bella's bed as she changed out of her dress into a pair of sweats. When she came over I kicked off my shoes and we crawled under the covers, facing each other. I brushed her hair off her face and wiped the tears off her cheeks.
I don't know how long we lay there before her eyes started to grow heavy. She leaned forward and brushed her lips lightly against mine.
When she pulled back she said, "I love you."
"I love you too." I replied, pulling her tight to my chest.
I closed my eyes and drifted off soon after. I would realize later that it was the only thing she'd said to me all day.
-0-
March 20, 2005
I groaned and rolled over, feeling for Bella but coming up with an empty bed. Popping my head up I found the sky just starting to lighten and I wondered where she'd gone.
Slipping out of the bed I made a stop at the bathroom before going downstairs. I found only mom in the kitchen, sitting at the table with her hands wrapped around a cup of coffee.
"Where's Bella?" I asked.
"Sit down Jasper."
"Mom?" I questioned a feeling of dread settling into the pit of my stomach.
"Sit down."
I walked slowly in the room and lowered myself into the chair across from her.
She was quiet for a few second before she started talking.
"When you got your music contract I was so proud of you. I would tell anyone who'd listen that you were a big celebrity. I would tell them that not only did you have an amazing career, but that you were lucky enough to find a woman who loved you more than anything else in this world. I wish I could say I was still proud.
"Bella told me some things two days ago that shocked the hell of me. Things that I would have sworn my son wouldn't do, if it had been anybody else that said those things because I didn't raise you that way. I knew Bella wouldn't lie about them though. She told me about the pot smoking and the drinking. About the way you were different after hanging out with that James and about the arguments.
"She told me about how you'd broken your promises so many times and how she didn't know what to do to make you see how damaging it was to your relationship. She told me how she'd begged you not to go to Vegas and that you still went anyway.
"After hearing all of that and as much as it pained me to ask her I questioned why she continued to live that way. And you know what her answer was?"
I shook my head quickly when she looked up and she continued.
"Because she loved you. You were the only one she could ever see in her future. That no one else would compare to the Jasper that she fell in love with. She knew your career made you happy and she wouldn't take that away from you. But then she said something that broke my heart and in turn I think hers too."
"What...?" I started but had to stop to choke down the lump that had formed in my throat. "What was it?"
"That she wished you felt the same. That she didn't think she wasn't as important to you as your career was."
"She is. Mom you know she is."
"I thought I did Jasper. Are you still smoking pot and don't lie to me like you did Bella?"
"Yes."
"Then how can you say she is?"
"I'll stop. I'll quit everything. I'll fix it."
"I wish it was that easy son. It's too late though."
"No it's not. Where is she?"
"She's gone Jasper. I'm sorry honey."
"No, where did she go?"
"She left for the airport after you fell asleep yesterday. She was going to your apartment and getting her things. Other than that I don't know what her plans were."
I shot out of my chair and ran up the stairs, tripping over the last step in my haste. Slamming into her room I grabbed my phone off the table by her bed and hit her speed dial. It didn't even ring going straight to voicemail.
As I left the first of many messages I grabbed my bag.
Baby please call me back or stay at the apartment. Please. I can't lose you. Please just wait so we can talk. I love you so much. Please.
As quickly as I made it upstairs I was back down and heading out the front door. Mom was still in the kitchen and she said a quick 'be careful,' as I went.
I fell into my rental and then I drove. I passed through Seattle not wanting to deal with the airport at all. As I went through Washington and Oregon I tried over and over again to call her. She never picked up. I tried texts and they went unanswered.
Many, many hours later I pulled to a stop in front of my complex. I didn't see her car, but I prayed that while I ran into the building telling myself I had only missed it. That she was waiting.
Slamming into the apartment I barely noticed the books missing from the bookshelf as I rushed to our bedroom.
The closet door was open and the light was on, showing me her missing clothes. My eyes swept the room, knowing she wasn't there, but I couldn't stop them. They landed on her dresser and an envelope with my name on it.
Walking over I ripped it open barely missing the letter inside. As I pulled it out I stumbled back until I hit the wall and I let myself slide to the floor as I began to read:
Jasper,
It kills me to write this. It kills me to do it this way, but I can't face you. I can't stand in front of you and tell you that I've finally had enough. That I can't live the way I am anymore. I love you Jasper, god do I love you, but sometimes it's not enough.
My heart can't take being broken anymore. I haven't been sleeping well or eating. It's not healthy for me to keep doing this to myself over and over again. My students and coworkers had even started to notice.
I thought we were living a fairytale and you were my Prince Charming, but I've learned life isn't a fairytale. It's harsh and unforgiving sometimes. I tried so hard to overlook everything, all the lies and broken promises and for a while I did because I loved you. I still love you and I will love you forever. I have to love myself too though. I have to let you go to do that even if it breaks me completely. I have to find myself again. I have to find that girl that doesn't wait at home alone wondering if you're going to call, the one that doesn't reach for you at night only to find that you aren't there, the one that doesn't struggle daily with asking you to give up your career because she knows it makes you happy, and the one that didn't stop painting and drawing because it wasn't enough to take away the hurt she was constantly feeling.
I don't blame you completely Jasper. I can't because I am to blame too. I let it get this far, but I was so afraid if I pushed you into talking about things then it would just end up pushing you away anyway.
I know that you will say it wouldn't have, but by the time things got bad you had changed. You weren't the same boy I fell in love with. The one that gave me a flip book so I'd talk to him. The one that promised me on prom night that he'd always be there. The one I thought would come home one day, get down on his knee, and ask me to be his wife. The one that would be there when I had his children and the one that when we were eighty years old would still look at me with love shining in his eyes. But you lost him months ago.
And where I have to find myself so do you. Please let me go like I'm letting you go. Please don't call me because it will be too hard to not answer. I know I will break down and come running back to you. No matter how much we both want that we won't be able to do what we need to do. We need to get back to the two people we were before. We have to be them again before we could work through anything else.
Maybe we'll find our way back to each other one day. Fate stepped in once, in an amazing way, when I made the decision to move to Forks. I pray it happens again because you will always own my heart, but we have to go down the path it chose this time even though we know it's going to be hard.
I will miss you every day, I will think about you all the time, and I will never stop loving you. I have to go now because you're on the way. You called a few times and I did listen to your messages, but I can't wait and I'm so sorry.
It would be worse than answering the phone.
I love you and please be safe.
Love always,
Bella
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Present Day
I refolded the letter and placed it back in the box as I finished reading it for the millionth time. The two months following that night were the hardest I'd ever had to go through.
I'd not done what Bella had asked; instead I did everything I could to find her. I called every hour, every day until a message told me her phone number was no longer in service. I called her school only to find she'd left her position. I called and begged mom for anything, but all she said was she'd talked to her once and Bella had not said where she was.
I talked to Peter who said Bella had called to tell them goodbye, but that was it. I ignored everyone else; James especially.
I knew that if I gone around him, in the state of mind I was in at the time, pot would have been the last thing I would have wanted. I would have gotten him to find me something harder and I wouldn't have stopped until it killed me. I stayed strong though and never smoked another joint to this day.
When Felix started calling I knew that while my relationship was over I still had a job that needed to be done, even if it held no joy for me anymore.
It kept me busy though and for brief moments of each day I could forget. We'd started working on our last contracted album in August of '05. I would arrive at the studio at the last possible minute and as soon as we were done for the day I would leave as quickly as I could. I continued to ignore everyone. James was put off I could tell and for a while he was smart enough to keep his mouth shut.
It all blew up though. It was bound to happen when I made the decision I did.
While I had been working to get the last album out I'd started thinking about what Bella had written in the letter. How I'd lost the man I had been and what it would take to get back to him. I'd always gone back to one thing, where it all started to go wrong. As soon as I figured it out the choice I made wasn't a hard one.
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October 19. 2006
"So Jasper why have you called this meeting?" Felix asked as the guys settled around the table.
I decided to cut right to the chase. "When my contract is up next month I will be leaving the label."
"I see." Felix said before turning to Peter, Garrett, and James. "You three can go. I'll let you know what's going to happen later."
Peter and Garrett showed no signs that what I said bothered them. James, however, was livid and I knew that I would have to deal with him later.
When the door shut behind them Felix sighed. "I wish I could say I'm surprised about you decision, but I'm not. I saw it coming after Bella left."
"I'm sorry. I know you gave me a chance and I'm turning my back on you and the guys."
"The guys will survive. I think James will give you a hard time, but the other two will understand and I will do what I can to find them something else. As for me, you aren't turning your back. I've been in this business a long time. I've worked my way up from the bottom and I've seen men let themselves drown in everything from drugs, to women, to alcohol. The difference between them and you is they didn't see it until they'd lost everything, their money, their families, their minds, or in some cases their lives."
"I feel like I've lost everything."
"Because to you that is what Bella was. She was what made you happy. She was what kept you from getting further into something you couldn't get out of. I hate that it took her leaving before you saw that but you still have a chance. She isn't gone for good unless you let her be gone. She's still out there and when you get back to the man you and her both remember you can find her. I have no doubt it will work out when you do."
"Thank you...for everything."
"You're welcome Jasper. I hope to see you again after we go our separate ways. Do you have plans for that time?"
"I'm going back to school. Finish out my last year and become the teacher that I was going to be."
"Good," He said standing up and holding out his hand. "If you ever need anything don't hesitate to call me."
"I won't." I said as we shook hands.
He gave me a nod and a smile before leaving the room. I followed behind soon after and walked out onto the sidewalk. Peter was waiting for me, leaning against the wall, but so was James.
As soon as I was in sight he was in my face.
"What the fuck are you doing?" He spat.
"Fixing my life."
"What the fuck ever. You're letting that bitch dictate your life still. She's gone and she's not coming back. Move the fuck on. She was just a piece of ass that should have been kicked out a long time ago."
I let him finish and then I planted my fist in the middle of his face, breaking his nose on impact. As he dropped I leaned over and jerked him up back up by his shirt.
"Don't you ever fucking talk about Bella like that again. You stay the hell away from me for these last few weeks and you keep your fucking mouth shut. I hear anything that sounds like her name or something about her pass your lips and I will not hesitate to fuck you up. Do you understand me?"
He only nodded his head and I pushed him away from me.
Turning around I found Peter grinning from ear to ear.
"Come on man, let's go grab some lunch."
I smiled in return and we walked off down the sidewalk.
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Present Day
When Peter and I had walked away that day it would be the last time I would see James. My contract expired a few weeks later and I didn't look back or regret the decision to leave that life behind me. I started school that January and finished my teaching degree by the end of the summer semester. I decided to stay in L.A. to teach at a local high school and I became close with Peter and Charlotte. I was in the waiting room when their twin boys, Micah and Marcus, were born five months after I left New Age.
They helped me bring back a piece of myself that I'd forgotten about. I was laughing more and spending time out of the house. I had been doing well and was to the point that I wanted to see if I could find Bella again. I still loved her completely and would do what I had to to get her back to me.
Peter and Charlotte encouraged me and on a whim one September afternoon I googled her name. I was so surprised when the first site that popped up was an art gallery. I believed it was fate that the gallery was in L.A., that Bella was the spotlight artist for the week, and that the showing started in two days time.
I decided to go on opening night. As I walked toward the building, a few hours before the show started she'd walked out on the sidewalk and stopped me in my tracks.
She was just as beautiful as she'd always been, her hair was a little shorter, but I liked it. She was smiling as she looked behind her at the door and the man that stepped out of it.
I'd stood there and watched her hug him, give him a kiss on the cheek, and then they'd walked away from me, with their arms around each other. She never knew I'd been there or that I had returned the next afternoon.
Fate had rammed her fist down my throat that night and I still haven't gotten over the pain of knowing I'd lost Bella for good.
It was why I did what I did every Saturday night. It was why I pushed myself up off the floor now and walked slowly down to my office, pushing open the door and flipping the light on. The last item wouldn't fit in the box and it was the only one I looked at every day, but tonight was the only night I let the memory of when I got it pass through my head.
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Okay so how was it and who is still with me? I promise to make it all better. :)
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