A/N: I know, I know, I've been gone a while, but since I'm posting the first chapter of my collaborative multi-fic, I figured I really should post something here, since you guys'll know I have no excuse! :P So this is a light little one-shot, set post-Reckoning at one of the rental houses. I recently found a story that has a similar theme (from browniehaze), SORRY, no infringement intended, this has been wandering around my folder for a while because I felt it needed a lot of fixing up. Hopefully my version's different enough that no one's offended. Please read and enjoy! And to all those of you who I have so badly neglected to thank for the last couple of chapters, here you go: THANK YOUs go out to Darkestpowerslover234, JamieKayHuntt, ReadingInTheDark, emilymurphy, EmoTacoFilling,MorbidMandy, moon-called-princess, not-so-innocent011, Silverbird121, smilin'intherain, Anastasia815, dimitriandrosehathaway, and Lifestyle. If there's anyone I've missed, I apologize, and if you PM me, I'll fix my mistake immediately.
Disclaimer: My name isn't Kelley Armstrong and I'd consider myself insanely lucky if I owned this series. I don't, in case I hadn't made that abundantly clear by now...
Kit sat down with us in the living room, and I noticed that he seemed a little uncomfortable. I wondered briefly if he was bothered by how I was tucked up cosily in Derek's lap, but then Aunt Lauren came in, closing the door behind her. Tori and Simon lifted their heads from their laptop and comic book respectively, and I saw that resemblance again in the nearly identical quizzical looks they had.
"We need to talk to you," Aunt Lauren said, getting comfortable on the sofa next to Kit. Nothing surprising there. We'd have a group discussion at least once a week to plan our next moves, so this was nothing out of the ordinary.
"Ok," Simon said agreeably. "About what?"
"Well, I think it's time to revisit a conversation that we had a little while ago," Kit began, "you know, about safe-"
"Dad, no!" Derek groaned, covering his face with the hand that wasn't keeping me on his lap; I was trying to slip off so that I could make a break for the door, but he was having none of it.
Tori looked intrigued and – damn her – amused. "Safe sex, huh?" she asked, shooting a sly grin in my direction. "I think that's an excellent idea."
Aunt Lauren was nodding in agreement with her, even as Kit had to threaten a binding spell on Simon if he tried to leave.
"No, Dad, c'mon, not the sex talk," he begged piteously, every exposed inch of skin blushing bright red. "Not again."
I wondered how bad it had been the first time to provoke that kind of response and decided I was better off not knowing. Derek's arm tightened as I tried to move onto the sofa next to him. A green eye peeked out from between his fingers.
"And where are you going?" he murmured.
Struggling with my own dread of the parental sex talk – in front of Simon and Tori, no less – I narrowed my eyes as I glared at him. "I really don't want to be perched on your lap while having this conversation."
His chest lifted and fell with a silent laugh. "You're not going anywhere. I might need someone to hide behind."
Apparently none of us were going anywhere until Kit and Aunt Lauren were satisfied that we knew enough to not run out and have wild, unprotected sex in the woods while on the run from Cabals and killer scientists.
Four hundred lifetimes later, when they were done, we all staggered out of the living room in various stages of shock and embarrassment. Derek, as always, seemed to take everything in stride, and after his initial complaint, was more or less composed.
Simon looked like he needed a drink, and I'm not talking about Gatorade. He kept rubbing his hands over his face and shuddering, muttering to himself about "sex" and "Dads" and how the two should never, ever be related to each other, ever.
Tori just seemed amused and kept directing her little grins in my direction, which did not help with the full-body blush that I was currently contending with. The blush was courtesy of Aunt Lauren's discussion about how she'd made appointments for both Tori and I to get on birth control pills and then later, her extremely direct comment to the guys on making sure their partners had orgasms, too.
"Are you alright?" Derek asked, eyeing my forearms with concern; they were as red as my face.
I couldn't speak without bursting into hysterical giggles or possibly tears, so I tightened my lips and nodded.
Simon looked up from his pathetic mumbling and came over. "Chloe? You ok?" He looked at Derek. "She looks like she's going to cry."
That, of course, brought everyone running. Now, as much as I appreciate having a family, I do not love how everyone is all into everybody else's business.
"Chloe, hon?" Aunt Lauren touched my cheek. "Everything ok?"
The laughter bubbled up and I fought it, pressing my knuckles hard against my lips which made my eyes water. Derek started freaking out and was practically ready to beat an answer out of me by the time I couldn't hold it in anymore and I started to laugh.
"S-s-sorry," I choked, gasping for breath in between peals of laughter. Tori started laughing at me, which broke the stunned silence, and Simon grinned as he started cracking up, too.
Kit chuckled a little, but he was laughing at us laughing. "What's so funny?"
I waved my hand between us. "This. G-getting the sex talk. Simon's face…" I trailed off, overcome. Derek was rooted to the spot, confusion warring with amusement. Beckoning him closer, I leaned into him as I gasped for breath, which seemed to placate him, and he ducked down to reach my ear.
"Just be glad he didn't bring out the condoms this time."
"Oh, damn!" Kit exclaimed, searching his pockets. "I had condoms, too, so you guys could practice-"
That did it. Aunt Lauren let out a whoop of laughter and staggered over to a kitchen chair. She laughed harder, pointing to the counter, where someone, presumably Kit, had left four bananas in a neat pile. That did it. It was a while before anyone was able to do anything other than gasp helplessly with laughter.
Simon swiped at his streaming eyes with the hem of his t-shirt, doubled over in pain as he wheezed, trying to catch his breath. Even Tori's eyes were bright with laughter, the darker shadows gone for the moment. Kit tossed the bright red packets onto the table and shrugged helplessly as our combined hilarity finally got the best of him, too.
My face pressed into Derek's chest as he chuckled. "That's new. Last time he just pulled out the condoms and then we got to make water balloons."
"How old were you?"
"Twelve. We weren't really interested in their other potential use at that point." He grinned. "They make great water balloons."
My naughty side took over as I pulled away and stared up at him with mock horror. "Well, here I was hoping you'd know what to do with them! What are we going to do?"
I would have needed a camera to do justice to the expression on his face, a combination of surprise, panic and intrigue. Tori flung a condom package at us with a "Get a room," tossed after it. Derek caught it one-handed without looking and threw it back at her. It bounced off Simon's arm and he grabbed it before she could, reading the fine print on the foil.
"Dad, you got the wrong ones." He wiped his eyes again and studied the writing at close range. "Derek can't use these. They're regular, not extra-small." And with a wicked grin, he threw the packet back at Derek who not only fumbled it, but dropped it and then nearly knocked me flying when he launched himself at Simon.
Kit sighed, but it was a contented sound as he watched Derek tackle Simon – carefully, always carefully – and get him in a headlock. Aunt Lauren looked concerned and opened her mouth to say something to them, but Kit shook his head.
"They're fine. Simon needs to have some sense of self-preservation beaten into him every once in a while." I agreed.
Tori and I righted the chairs that Derek had plowed through and settled at the table with the adults. Simon scrabbled for traction, but his shoeless feet kept sliding as Derek hauled him through the kitchen door and out into the yard.
"It was a joke," Simon yelled, getting an arm free and wrenching Derek's t-shirt up and over his head, trying to trap his arms. He used his brother's moment of blindness to trip him and slip out of his grasp. "You're so sensitive!"
The shredded t-shirt hit the ground and Derek dove at Simon again. I grinned, watching through the window. A sensitive Derek. Now that was an image. Another image superimposed itself over that one, an image pertaining to my not-completely-joking comment to Derek and I swore as all the progress I had made in dispelling my blush was ruined, especially since the guy in question was currently wrestling shirtless in front of me.
Tori saw my expression and tracked my eyes to the yard. "It's not fair," she commented, eyeing Derek. "He eats like a horse and looks that good without trying."
I was a little surprised when my first instinct was to growl at her. Too much time around Derek, I reasoned, amused at my reaction. The two of us would make a fine pair at this rate, wandering around randomly snarling at people who dared check out the other.
I had a feeling I'd be doing a lot more snarling if he ever stopped wearing his clothes a couple of sizes too big. But for the moment, I leaned against the window frame and watched my ridiculously ripped boyfriend toss his howling brother around the yard, and smiled. Life definitely has its moments.