Saving Her

by Weeball

This is a story about a girl in an awful situation and the boy who saves her, saving himself in the process. Is 'hope' worth fighting for? AH, E & B. Rated M for language, violence and future lemons.

5. Chapter 4

As we all know, I am, unfortunately, no Stephenie Meyer – All Twilight Characters belong to her.

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Chapter 4: BPOV

"Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone."

~excerpt from Alone, Maya Angelou

.

What am I doing?

"Anytime, Bella." There is so much meaning in his words.

I don't deserve those words.

The little swell of happiness that had found its way into my chest disappears at the thought of what Edward is saying. He isn't talking about a milkshake.

But he doesn't know the truth and even though, for some inexplicable reason, he brings out a part of me I thought died 5 years ago, it doesn't change the facts; I'm not the same person I was back then. I don't get to have a milkshake with a beautiful boy on a Saturday morning. I don't get to feel the way I feel when I am with him. I don't get to make jokes and tease and be playful. I shouldn't get to do any of those things because I took those things away from my family - from my dad, from my mom and from Phil.

And not only was it my fault, but I hid from the truth. I ran away from reality.

I ran until it caught up with me - in the form of a blond-haired, blue-eyed nightmare.

James.

He is my reality; I owe him and I deserve every bit of pain he dishes out.

I definitely don't deserve Edward's concern.

I leave the bar knowing that my excuses don't cut it. I get in my car and drive home. I try to put it out of my mind. I try to snap back to reality and push the feelings Edward brings out, back to where ever they came from.

As I get closer to home I can see that James is there and I can't face him yet. I drive past the house and straight on to La Push.

My attempts to push Edward out, back fire in the worst possible way. All I can think about as I drive, is the way Edward looks at me. The way his eyes crinkle when he smiles. The way his stunningly green eyes see right through me. The way he tries not to make it obvious that he can see the bruises. The way I feel almost normal when I am around him. The way my heart beats fiercely just from a single word, look, suggestion.

I keep driving with my mind on auto-pilot.

I reach First Beach The 15 minute drive feels longer, and shorter, than before. I used to come here often when I was in Forks. It was a place I could find peace - even after my father died. I brought him here. We threw his ashes here and when I moved back to Forks I'd come back often to talk to him, to apologize, to feel closer to him.

I hadn't been back since James came back into my life - It's too difficult when I know that I am the reason he is gone in the first place. I should never have tried to forget that fact.

I open my car door and step out. I walk slowly down toward the ocean, leaving my shoes by my car. I pull my hoodie around my head, as I feel the wind pick up. It's a standard day in Forks; the sky is grey and the rain is pattering gently all around me.

I walk to the edge of the water and let the waves lap over my bare feet.

My eyes sting with tears and I just stand there, allowing the water to reach me and the rain drops to soak in.

This is the closest I can get to my father. I remember the countless trips to Forks. I'd come back every holiday to visit him. We'd go fishing with Billy, Harry and their kids. We'd leave early in the morning and stay out until late afternoon. The adults would fish while Leah, Jacob and I would watch Leah's younger brother, Seth; we'd build sand castles and search the rocks for 'treasures'.

Life was so simple.

I sit down in the sand as the tears begin to fall. I don't stop them.

xxxxxx

.

I don't know how long I have been sitting here but the tide has come in and the waves are no longer just lapping around my feet. The water is surrounding me.

I decide to get up and make my way home. It is time to face James.

I stand up and say a silent goodbye to Charlie before turning around to walk back to my car.

Before I reach the parking lot, however, I notice a familiar car - a red Volkswagen is parked close to my truck. I stop dead as I see the familiar, large figure stepping out of the car. My heart clenches in recognition.

Jacob.

He turns and looks at me.

Nothing.

No wave. No smile. No acknowledgment.

And once again, I deserve it.

I continue the walk to my car with my head down. I don't chance a look at him. Up close, I am sure I will see the glaring eyes that will break my already shattered heart.

I start the car but I don't drive away. Instead, I find myself back to a time when I was going to move forward, when I was going to let go of the past.

.

Warm arms gather me to his chest.

"It's okay, Bells. Shhh. It's going to be okay."

I had just moved back to Forks. I had decided to move back to the place where I was the happiest. A place where I had roots, friends, family. A place where Charlie Swan was remembered; I never wanted to forget him.

Jacob was my rock. We had kept in touch over the years and after the memorial on First Beach, I moved to Seattle to study but we never lost touch.

Once I was finished my English degree, I moved back here. It was hard at first. But Jacob was there.

He was always there.

I look up at him. His eyes are filled with concern and love and before I know what I am doing my lips meet his. I can feel the love, the years of friendship and the trust that feels like second nature.

We fall into an easy relationship. One that is comfortable and provides the first form of happiness since the day that my life fell apart.

But no matter how much he loves me, I cannot give him everything he deserves because there is so much he doesn't know. There is so much he will never know.

There is only one person who knows everything and that person is the same reason every bit of happiness I had built for myself, came tumbling down.

James.

.

I come back to the present and when I look back, Jacob is gone. The car is there but he is nowhere to be seen.

My heart feels like it has been driven over by a one ton truck - broken beyond repair.

And it is just another reminder of all the reasons why I deserve this.

xxxxxx

.

I arrive home just after one in the afternoon and James is still there.

I gather my courage and step inside. The house is quiet except for the sound of the shower upstairs. I take off my soaking wet hoodie and make my way to the bedroom.

I want to get it over with.

The water shuts off when I am half way up the stairs and when I step into the room I see James standing with the towel around his hips.

"Hey, baby." His voice is soft, apologetic.

I give him a soft smile. He doesn't notice how hard it is for me to pretend. He walks over to me and looks over the damage. His hand flitters across my cheek.

"God, Bella. I hate it when I hurt you. You know that, right?"

"It looks worse than it is." It's the only response I have.

I look straight into his eyes and I can no longer see the boy I once knew, the boy I once loved. All I see is the monster.

All I see is what I deserve.

xxxxxx

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James leaves for work. They are busy with a big development in Port Angeles and he has to work weekends to meet his deadline.

Once the house is empty, I take a hot bath. The warmth doesn't touch me.

xxxxxx

.

I get out after a while and feeling numb, I get dressed in a pair of jeans and a plain T. I grab my old copy of Wuthering Heights, and go downstairs to read. A trusty escape.

I cuddle up on the couch and open the book, and let myself get lost in the pages.

.

The phone rings, waking me up.

I look over at Jacob's sleeping form and hurry to answer before he wakes up from the noise.

"Hello,"

"Bella?"

"Um, yes?"

"Bella, it's James." My body immediately tenses.

"James. How are you?" I try to keep the tremble from my voice.

"I need your help." His words slice through me.

There is only so far you can run when you are running from the truth.

"Anything, James. You know that."

There's a pause in the line and I can hear muffled voices.

"James?" I ask to get his attention.

"I need some money and a place to stay."

"How much do you need?" I'm afraid of the answer. The last time I heard from James he had already begun on his downward spiral.

"$100,000."

My heart stops.

"James, I-I don't have that kind of money."

"Don't lie to me, Bella. You have all the money your dad left you." And it's the beginning of the end.

"But I – "

"Bella! I need the money!" He says, his voice raised. He sounds panicked.

"Okay. What do you need me to do?" I ask. I haven't touched the money my dad left me for anything except my studies.

"Listen, don't do anything. I will be there on Sunday and then I'll fill you in."

And before I can say anything else the line goes dead.

I fall to the floor, trembling in fear, knowing that the past has finally caught up with me.

.

I wake up with a start, sending my book tumbling to the floor.

My heart feels as though it is going to pound right through the flesh. I take a few deep breathes. I would trade anything to go back to a time where nightmares were made up of monsters in the dark, instead of the reality of memories.

I pick up my book and put it down on the coffee table, before getting up. I need a drink.

I go upstairs and grab the bottle of Patron in my cupboard.

One tequila. Two tequila. Three tequila. Floor.

But I am not so lucky.

However many shots later, all I can feel is the welcome numbness beginning to take effect. I soak it in, welcome it, revel in it. It is all I have. It's the only thing I can trust.

xxxxxx

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Half a bottle later and I am feeling completely numb. My brain can no longer dwell on the past, or the present for that matter. I lay back against the couch and savour the feeling, smiling to myself.

Not before long I find that I am dancing to "I Got a Feeling". It takes a while for me to register that the sound is coming from my cell phone on the dining room table.

Alice.

I make my way to the table, trying not to fall or bump into anything on the way, but by the time I get there, it stops.

The story of my life.

I laugh at myself and take my phone back to the couch.

I have another swig of Patron straight from the bottle and settle into my previous position.

The music starts up again and this time I don't miss it.

"Hello my sexy little pixie friend!" I answer.

"Bella!" Her singsong voice makes me smile.

"How can I be of service?"

"Bella, have you been drinking already?"

I giggle. "Yip. I am having a party here. What gave me away?" I ask.

"That would be the slurring." She laughs as she says it.

I burst into giggles. "Yeah, that would do it!"

"So what party are you at and why did I not receive an invite?" I can practically hear her sticking her bottom lip out in protest.

"Oh, you know, it was a spontaneous thing! What is my pixie friend getting up to this wonderful Saturday evening?" Distraction is practically policy when it comes to Alice. I am proud that I can still think clearly enough to remember my tactics.

I laugh at the ridiculousness of my drunken thoughts.

"Well I was just going to meet Jazz at the pub, wanna join?"

"Sure. Sounds fun. Will you pick me up on the way?"

"Um yeah, sure. Where are you?"

"Oh, you can just fetch me from my place."

"Bella, you shouldn't drive like this. I'll just get you from wherever you are and I'll pick up your truck with Jazz later."

"No, no, don't worry, Al. I'm not driving. I'll be home before you get here! What time do you wanna fetch me?"

"Oh, okay." Her voice shows her hesitance. "I was thinking... in about 30 mins?"

"Wow. So soon? Okay, an early night it is. I'll be at home."

"Bella, it's already past eight."

"Oh, huh. I must have lost track of time. I'll see you in a bit then, Al."

"Okay, drive safe, Bella!"

Feeling very impressed with my distraction techniques, I make my way upstairs to get changed. I trip once on the way up and laugh at my clumsiness.

I go into the en-suite and look in the mirror, ready to begin the process of hiding any visible marks. I put some of the really good foundation I bought a few weeks ago on, taking my time so I don't mess it up in my drunken haze.

xxxxxx

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As I put the final touches on my face, the door bell rings. I quickly put everything away, trying hard to avoid knocking things over.

I grab a sweater on the way out my bedroom. The bruises on my arm are a nasty purplish blue that definitely need to be hidden. I concentrate as I walk down the stairs and put on the sweater, simultaneously. I reach the bottom without incident and smile.

I open the door with the smile still on my face.

"You look great!" Alice says as she hugs me.

"Thanks." I don't take her seriously. I look plain but I suppose the make-up makes it seem more believable that I was out before.

The car drive is a little tense. I can tell that Alice is desperate to know where I was, but I don't want to give her any opportunity to pry because I am a terrible liar. Distraction is my only tool.

"So was the shop busy today? Any new designs I should know about?"

Talking clothes is my best option.

"Yeah. It was a good day. Mrs Phillips came in for her fitting which went brilliantly. She loves the tweaks I made on the design..."

Success.

I nod and smile but my mind can't focus long enough to completely take in everything she is saying. Thank God it's about clothes; Alice doesn't expect me to know much.

We arrive at the pub and the parking lot is crowded. I'm glad that I hadn't thought about the fact that Edward would be there. I hadn't really thought at all.

It feels as though this morning was days ago and I suddenly feel anxious to see him. What if he brings it up? How will I explain that to Alice or Jasper?

Alice gets out the car and frowns at me when she realizes that I haven't moved. I quickly remove my seat belt and open the door to get out.

I stumble a little, but manage to stay on my feet. Alice giggles and puts her arm around my waist as we walk into the pub.

The interior looks exactly as it always has. Warm, inviting and filled with the buzz of a good time. Everyone is talking animatedly and the noise is levelled out by the old school music that is typical for a Saturday evening.

Alice steers me toward our usual table in the corner. I try to catch a glimpse of Edward but he is engrossed in whatever he is doing. Alice lets me go as we reach the table and I sway a little, realising just how much I needed her support. I pull my chair out and flop down into my seat. The room is spinning and I suddenly regret agreeing to come out.

I hear Alice's chair pull back, as I rest my head on my arms in an attempt to stop the spinning.

A few minutes later I hear Alice clear her throat loudly and I look up. She is holding a drink out to me. I thank my lucky stars, knowing that with a few more drinks the spinning will move onto the sweet oblivion of pure, unadulterated drunkenness. I take the glass from her, bring it to my lips – concentrating as I do so – and down the entire thing. It takes a while for me to register the taste.

I grimace. Water?

I look at Alice and she quirks her brow, asking me to argue. I sigh, knowing that she is just being a friend.

I give her a small smile. "Sorry, Al." I slur. "You know how it is with Tequila – you only realize you've had too much once it's too late."

I stretch my smile wider as I concentrate on pushing down the nausea and ignoring the spinning.

Alice giggles. "It's no problem, Bella. It happens to the best of us." She reaches out and grabs my hand. "Where's James tonight?"

My stomach churns at the name. "Oh, he's working. He's got a big project in Port Angeles."

Alice's eyes widen. "You should have told me before. We could have planned a sleepover!"

I roll my eyes. Only Alice. I can just imagine all the hair braiding and nail painting she'd make me participate in.

"Maybe next time." I smile, hiding my grimace. Not only at the thought of spending the night living out Alice's 13 year old girl sleepover fantasies, but at the fact that I would never really be able to be a part of it. You can't really have a sleep over without ever removing your make-up or sweater.

"Hmmm. Definitely." She smiles widely.

Just then Jasper makes his way to the table and leans down to kiss Alice hello. I look away. Their intimate moments make me feel utterly pitiful and I avoid it at all costs.

"Hello, Bella,'' Jasper's southern drawl has such a calming tone that I can't help but smile genuinely at him.

"Hi, Jazz."

"Are you ladies having a good night?" His eyes twinkle at Alice's answering smile and no matter how pitiful I feel, I am so happy for the two of them and the special connection they have found within each other.

"Always," Alice and I say in unison, which causes us to giggle. Sometimes it is easy to be normal when I am around them.

"You two are like two peas in a pod." He shakes his head but his smile is sweet and happy.

xxxxxx

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The night goes on without incident and even though I never lose the deep rooted depression that I have become accustomed to, I find that there are still real smiles and laughter in between the ones I have to force to keep the picture in place.

The more water I drink, the more the nausea recedes and by the time we decide to leave I am back to being sober and hating it. My head is throbbing from my early hangover and all I want to do is get home, take some pills and sleep it all away.

Talk about pitiful.

The entire evening I avoid Edward's gaze. He must have known how out of it I was when we arrived and I didn't want to see his reaction - whatever that reaction would have been. I should never have come to the pub in the first place. Especially not after this morning.

But even though I had avoided his gaze, I had always felt it; the unmistakeable hum, that I have always pretended not to feel. Even before things fell apart, when I was reasonably happy, there was always something there; a connection that was always felt, but never acknowledged – even to myself.

While Jasper and Alice say goodbye to Edward, I stay in my seat and pretend to search my bag for my cell or lip balm, anything that will give me an excuse to take my time. I am nervous that Edward might mention something about earlier, but I am too chicken-shit to try and prevent it.

I look up when I hear my name mumbled by Edward. My heart race picks up but I immediately relax when I see Alice smiling and walking toward the door.

I get up and meet her there. She puts her arm through mine.

"Edward is such a worry wart – like I would let my friend drive home drunk." She clicks her tongue.

I can't help the flutter that occurs when I realize that Edward was worried about me but I can ignore it. I laugh at her indignation as Jasper walks from behind us and opens Alice's car door for her.

I walk over to the passenger side and slip in while they say their goodbyes.

The short drive is fairly quiet as I fight to keep my eyes open. The car comes to a stop in my empty driveway and Alice's soft voice stops me as I begin to open my door.

"Bella?"

"Hmmm." I turn to look at her. Her eyes are shining with concern.

"Are you alright?"

I smile. "Sure. Why do you ask?" I am afraid of the answer.

"You just seem different. Sad, maybe? I'm not sure." Her voice drops a bit as she continues. "Is everything going okay with James?"

I battle to hide the panic I feel rising up inside me as my stomach clenches.

"Yes. Of course. Everything is great. You know how I feel about him."

"Yeah, yeah. The one that got away and all of that." She forces a small smile. "It's just that you seem so out of it." Her smile fades and I have no idea what to say.

"I just want you to know that you can talk to me. No matter what." She continues and I all I want to do is disappear. The urge to spill my guts out to her is overwhelming but I know that I can't. The time for truth has passed. I missed the opportunity and I am now paying the price.

"I know that, Alice. I do. Really. I am perfectly fine. Happy." I give her my best smile as I open the car door. "Now go get your butt home to that sexy man of yours!"

She giggles. "He really is, isn't he?"

I smile at the faraway look she gets whenever I mention Jasper.

"That he is!" I force the appropriate laugh.

"Okay. I'm going, I'm going. Bye, Bella." She sings, just before I shut the door.

She only pulls away once I open the front door.

I shut it and lean back against it, sliding down to the floor. I take a few deep breaths but feel myself slipping. The sobs overwhelm me.

I have never felt so confused, so desperate and ultimately completely and utterly alone.

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A/N: I just want to say thanks to everyone who has added this story to their favourites, and/or have reviewed so far :) You guys rock! I never really understood it before, but reviews really do give motivation to write faster and better.

I hope that this chapter gives you some insights into what Bella is going through. Next we are back to Edward :)

As always, let me know what you think!