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Chapter 9: EPOV
What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time
'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
One of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here
'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right
'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
~ You and Me, Lifehouse
.
"He saved me." I let the words roll of my tongue. My nerves are bunched together and completely on edge. I have no idea how she will take this.
Her face is frozen. Her features small. Almost frightened.
"Wh-what?" she stutters.
"I was about 9 at the time." I don't want to get into the details yet. I don't want her to know exactly what happened, why her situation is so real to me. "There was a... situation with my mom and dad and I, uh, got shot in the process. The Chief was the one who found me." I hesitate as I say it. It doesn't feel right rolling off my tongue. I can count on one hand how many times I have spoken about this with anyone.
She is quiet but her features slowly rearrange themselves. Her eyes softening, compassion swimming in the warm depths of the chocolate orbs that captivate me so entirely.
"I'm so sorry, Edward. I-I can't even imagine." Her voice is so soft.
Even after all these years, reliving that night gives me chills. The tell tale tightening of my chest is a sign that talking about it still has the ability to make me anxious. Especially when the reason I have been reliving it all over again is sitting right across from me.
Her arm stretches toward me, over the plates of food in front of us, as she reaches for my hand.
Warmth.
The feeling is so hard to describe. The tingles creating a calming sensation that spreads up my arm and makes its way into my chest, easing the feeling of anxiety.
"It was a long time ago." I say. I don't want her to see the weakness there. I want her to see me as a strength, as someone that can help her; someone who will be there for her.
She squeezes gently before pulling her hand back and grabbing her glass.
She takes a big sip.
When she looks back at me I can see what I missed in her face before.
She knows – I can see the little bells ringing in her eyes. She must have read about it in the papers or maybe even heard about it through town gossip or her dad. It was the biggest story in Forks for years.
I can see the realization there. She is connecting me to her father.
It is silent for a while as we watch each other. I am lost in the moment. Inexplicably drawn into her eyes, her world, her pain, her compassion. I feel as though I am falling – and fast.
"He spoke about you." Her words break the silence.
The words are unexpected and I can feel my eyes widen slightly.
"You mean he told you about me," I say as I wonder what all he would have said. The idea of her knowing the details is both a relief and scary as hell.
I swallow the lump that is forming in my throat. How did we get into this conversation again? This should be about her. I should be helping her.
"No. He never really told me the whole story. He just spoke about you, told me that you were a great kid, that the Cullen's were great people and that – that you amazed him. Inspired him. He said you were so strong and that you showed him what human resilience was all about;. He was... proud."
She hesitates on the last word and I can only imagine that it is because of how my face must look. I can feel my eyes stinging; my chest burning. I blink rapidly to try and stop the burn and clench my fists in an attempt to hold myself together.
The words are so unexpected and so... real. They resonate within me and stir something that I have kept hidden deep.
I clear my throat. The lump is thicker now. I ignore it all.
"He was an amazing man." I say and the words don't even cover it.
She smiles softly, her eyes are watery and I hate that it's because of me, because of this conversation. I grab the hand that she has placed on the table and rub the back of it in small circles with my thumb.
"Yes, he was." Her voice is raw with emotion and just as I open my mouth, about to ask her about what happened, I see the change. Her eyes close off. The tension is coming off her in waves. It's the same as it was in the car earlier and I know that I can't ask, that she doesn't want to talk about it.
She looks down at her plate. She pulls her hand away, grabs the fork and begins to move her food around.
"This is pretty good." She looks back up at me and gives me one of those smiles. The ones I hate. The one that she gave me when I first opened my mouth and let her know that she wasn't fooling me.
"Yeah, it is." I say as I follow after her and cut off a piece of my now cold steak. Disappointment runs through me and I wonder why I let this conversation happen in the first place.
It's quiet for a while as we continue to eat. Well, as I continue to eat. It's obvious to me that Bella is just moving the food around her plate. I try and think of what I can say to get her back.
The sound of her fork on the plate stops and I look up at her.
"I'm sorry," she says. Her eyes are full of remorse.
I give her a small smile. "Don't be. Like I said, we don't have to talk about anything you don't want to talk about."
"After that," she clears her throat. "After what you just told me, you deserve more than having me just shut you out, so I am sorry about that. You are right. I-I don't want to... I can't... talk about it right now, or ever, but you still don't deserve the cold shoulder."
I gave her a small smile to reassure her, as well as to hide my disappointment. I don't exactly expect her to just start telling me her life story but I can still hope sometimes.
"It's okay, Bella. Really. Let's just change the subject. Enough of the heavy shit." I let my smile grow and she smiles gently back.
xxxxxx
.
A few bottles of wine later, I take a look around me and realise that we are the only table left in the restaurant. Bella follows my eyes and chuckles.
"Looks like we're getting the death stare," she starts. "Well I am at least."
"What do you mean?" I ask as I motion toward the waitress for the check by lifting my hand and pretending to scribble something in the air.
"Well I think you could probably be the worst customer in the world and she'd still bat her eyelashes at you and beg for you to take her home." She is smirking as she says this, knowing that I am in no way interested.
"I doubt that. I made myself pretty clear earlier when she, again, offered to give me some 'wine options'." I use air quotations around the words because it was so obvious that she wasn't talking about wine.
"Like I said, you could probably do anything you want and she'll still be dazzled."
"Dazzled?" I ask, laughingly. Bella's smirk falters as a light red colour rises in her cheeks.
Beautiful.
"Um.. yeah... you... um... dazzle people?" She says it like it's a question. Her words and the look in her eyes makes my stomach do weird things.
I clear my throat.
"I really doubt that." I say, smiling and ignoring the feeling completely.
Friends.
She smiles back at me as the waitress comes around and drops the check next to me, smiling seductively, or what I can imagine she thinks is seductively.
"Thanks," I mumble as I grab the check. Bella is obviously right.
I look up at her and she is smirking at me.
"I would offer to pay but, I kinda left everything at home." She starts, her voice sounding apologetic, even through the smirking.
"I would have fought the notion in any case." I say, smiling back at her.
I open the check and I look at the slip. I notice a phone number scribbled down just below the total, and a simple 'call me' in a typically female script. I sigh.
"I told you so," Bella says s she leans over to look at the check.
I shut it as I pull out some cash from my wallet to pay.
"It seems some people just can't be deterred."
The waitress returns to pick up the check. She opens it up.
"Oh, your slip," she says coyly as she tries to hand it back to me.
I am exasperated by her persistence, especially considering I am here with another women and have ignored everyone of her come-ons.
"No, thanks." I say as I push her hand back while getting up from the table. "You can keep the change too."
I can't help the snippy tone.
I look at Bella as she gets up, shaking my head while the waitress walks away looking disappointed. She is trying to hold her laughter in but can't seem to get a hold on it and as our eyes meet, she bursts.
"It's not that funny," I say, even though I am chuckling along with her as we make our way out to the car.
"Yeah, it really is," she says through her giggles.
We get to the car and I open the passenger door for her. She quirks her eyebrow but I ignore it, waiting as she sits down. I close the door and hurry over to the driver's side. The temperature has dropped substantially since we arrived several hours ago, and I can't wait to get in and turn up the heat.
I get in and shut the door. Bella has taken off her sneakers and she curls her feet up on the seat with her. I hurry to put the key in the ignition, starting the car and turning the heat to full blast.
It takes a moment for the heat to take effect as I pull out of the parking and onto the road.
xxxxxx
.
We don't talk for a while. The only sound is that of the CD we had been playing on the drive to Port Angeles.
I look over at her. She is fast asleep.
She is slumped sideways in the chair, her whole body curled in on itself. She is facing me with her hand on her arms.
Small.
Fragile.
Beautiful.
Everything about her screams for me to keep her safe, to protect her.
My heart clenches.
Friends.
We are friends.
I keep telling myself that as I turn down the music. I listen to her soft breathes as I drive the rest of the way back to Forks, replaying the night over and over in my head.
The conversation flowed easily and despite the fact that we didn't talk about anything substantial, I feel like I know so much more about her. I feel closer to her somehow, like I have known her forever.
I slow down to a halt as I pull into Bella's driveway. I am reluctant to wake her, to end the evening, and to leave her here alone. A big part of me wants to just take her home with me, but living with Emmett and Rose makes that impossible.
Yeah, like having my own place would make a difference.
I watch her sleep for just a little while longer, holding onto this moment, to knowing that she feels this comfortable with me. She feels safe enough to close her eyes and be at her most vulnerable.
I listen to a few more of her deep breaths before I slowly touch her arm, revelling in the feeling.
I shake her slightly, "Bella."
"Hmmm," comes the unintelligible response. I chuckle a little despite myself.
"Bella, um, you're home." I continue to shake her arm gently, in a way that can almost be taken as stroking.
"What?" She asks as she slowly starts to move from the position she has been in since we left Port Angeles. I watch, enraptured, as her eye brows knit before she stifles a yawn and stretches out her arms.
"This may sound crazy," her voice is still soft with sleep. "But that was the best sleep I have had in weeks."
"You're right, that is crazy." I chuckle as she smiles at me - her tired eyes still captivating me in ways that I can't explain.
"Thank you." She says, her voice small.
It was my pleasure." I say as she bends down to pick up her shoes and open the door.
She looks back at me before stepping out of the car. "I'll... um... see you around?" Her voice is sad I can almost feel her pulling back. The girl I spent the evening talking and laughing with disappearing back into her shell, her hiding place.
"Wanna go for some coffee tomorrow?" I blurt out, scared to let her go. Afraid that I'll wake up tomorrow and this would have all been a dream of sorts.
Her lips turn up into a smile. "Yeah, I'd like that."
"Great. I'll pick you up around one-ish?" I ask, knowing that Garret should be in around that time.
"Okay," she says simply, as she gets out of the car. "Good night, Edward."
She slams the door shut and hurries over to her front door. I watch her, making sure she gets in safely. The car feels emptier without her presence.
I put it in reverse and pull out onto the road, taking one last look at her house and seeing the lights flicker on in what I know is the kitchen.
As I drive home, all I can think about is everything I learned about her tonight. She didn't talk about anything 'personal' exactly, but I did learn a lot.
She's smart and witty, and fun. The girl I saw tonight, was the girl I remember from the first time I saw her. She was excited and passionate. Her smile radiant and beautiful. I loved every minute of it.
So much more than I should have.
I can no longer keep telling myself that this is all about helping her. That it's all about redeeming myself or trying to recreate my childhood in an attempt to make up for not having been able to save my mom.
Because it is so much more than that.
I want Bella in my life.
Because I don't think I can go back to a time where I can watch her from far and wonder what she is all about.
I want to know her. I want to be a part of her life. I want to...
No.
I will not let myself go there. This isn't about that. This isn't about how beautiful she is, or how much she makes my entire being bubble with a passion, with an intensity, that I hardly understand. It's about her, not about how soft her skin is, or how that tingle that I get when I touch her makes me feel. It isn't about the cascading silk, or the chocolate orbs. It's not about her creamy skin or her radiant smile.
It's about being her friend.
It's about what is right.
I need to stop letting myself get caught up in the moment. Tonight was not a date. It was a way to get her out – to let us talk, to help her feel safe with me so I can get her out of this situation . Out of the situation that makes me so livid I could kill the fucker.
The idea of someone's hands on her, someone hurting her, makes my mind turn into that of a feral animal.
I growl in frustration.
Calm down. Things are getting better. The bastard's not here right now. He isn't going to hurt her.
I take deep breaths as I pull into the pub. The parking is pretty full and I know that it is a busy night.
I walk through the doors and up to the bar. Garrett's face sags in relief as he spots me in the crowd.
"Hey man." I shout as I make my way through the side door, into the kitchen and around to join Garrett behind the bar.
"As much as I want to ask what you are doing here, I won't, because God am I happy to see you." He says as he grabs my outstretched hand and shakes it in greeting.
I chuckle. "Your face says it all man."
xxxxxx
.
We get to work and man is it a busy night. Everyone in the town of Forks seems to be packed into the small space.
By the time I get home, I feel like a dead man walking. The day was exhausting in so many ways.
I shower and get into bed, having no time to even think about anything but sleep.
xxxxxx
.
It's Sunday and I wake up feeling good.
I get dressed and make my way into the kitchen where I can hear Rose and Emmett chatting animatedly.
"Morning," I say as I grab a mug and fill it with some coffee.
I hear the normal responses and take a seat at the table.
Rose is sitting there reading a magazine – probably one of those 'What to expect, when you are expecting' types – and Emmett is stuffing his face with eggs and toast and bacon and...
I get up and grab a bowl, filling it with some cereal, ignoring how inadequate my breakfast is in comparison.
"So what did you get up to yesterday, Bro?" Emmett starts.
I look at him and I can see the smirk. He know something. I glare at him because he knows exactly what he is doing.
"Nothing," I say in a hard tone. "It was just like every other Saturday." I punctuate my reply with another stern glare.
Emmett grins. "Oh, well that's weird. I could have sworn I saw you in Port Angeles with a little brown haired hottie."
I groan.
Rose looks up and scrutinises my facial expression. I can feel her eyes deciding whether this is truth of just Emmett being an idiot. I try to make my face work for the latter, but I fail.
"Who is she?" Rose asks.
"She's no one." I almost choke on the words. I couldn't be further from the truth. "Just a girl I know." I say, going for an air of indifference. I don't want them near her. Not yet. Not when things are so fragile. Not until I know her better, until I've gained at least a bit of her trust.
"No one my ass." Rose says and Emmett bursts into a full blown smirk.
I roll my eyes at the ridiculousness of it. "What are you, like 5?" I say in annoyance. "Seriously. I don't want to talk about this."
"Aww, come one little, Bro. I can't help it. You're just so cute when you get angry." He reaches over and pinches my cheek.
I slap his arm away and grab his wrist as I get up and punch him in the arm. Hard.
"Now you're just asking for trouble," Emmett says as he gets up and tackles me, pushing me out of the kitchen and onto the couch.
He's heavy. Like really, really heavy. I try to push him off me but fail and end up resorting to using my body weight to push us both off the couch.
We land on the floor with a thud and I can't help but chuckle as Emmett grunts. He punches me back in the arm and I resist the urge to rub the spot. He's a strong motherfucker.
We roll around on the floor for a while, wrestling each other like we did in high school.
"Okay, okay." I say once Emmett gets me in one of his infamous headlocks. "I give up!"
"You know what to say, Bro."
I groan, and he tightens his hold.
"Fine, Emmett is king." I say through clenched teeth. Even in adulthood, I hate saying it. I hate giving up, but it's inevitable when you wrestle with a giant.
He releases me as soon as the words are out, and rolls over onto his back. He's chuckling but I can hear in his voice that it wasn't an easy victory.
We lie there for a while. I can hear that Rose is no longer in the kitchen by the silence.
"So what's up?" Emmett finally says. "Why you being so weird about this chick?"
I know better than to think he will drop it that easily.
"Why are you so goddamn interested?" I ask as I get up off the floor. I look down at him. He is lying with his arms folded beneath his head, smirking at me.
"Bro, come on, you haven't been on a date in, like, forever. I was starting to worry, but now, I find out that you are just being all mysterious and shit. Of course I am going to be curious."
"It's not a big deal." I start as I turn away and walk back into the dining room. I hear him get up and follow me as I sit down at the table and grab my bowl. I shovel a spoonful of the now soggy cereal in my mouth.
"Okay, Bro. Whatever you say." He pats my back condescendingly before taking his seat. His smirk is still in place. I glare at him.
"Okay, fine. She's a girl I met at the pub. This was only the first time we went out and we're just friends."
"Friends," He says, his eyes scrunching up. "Yeah, right."
"She's got a boyfriend, Em." I try not to let my face portray how I feel about said boyfriend.
"And?" He asks.
"And nothing. We're just friends. Just because you think that girls and guys can't be friends without one, or both, of them wanting to take it to the next level, doesn't make it true."
"Maybe not. But I know you, Bro, and she is definitely more than 'just' a friend." He says as he gets up and walks out of the kitchen.
I sigh and have another mouthful, before taking my bowl to the sink and rinsing it. I place it in the dishwasher and ignore the uneasy feeling in my gut. The one that is telling me that Emmett is right. That I am getting myself into a situation that I am in no way prepared for.
I think of her face, her smile, the way her cheeks tinge when she gets flustered, and all I can think is how screwed I truly am.
A/N: Sorry for the wait! The next one will definitely come a lot quicker!
I want to say thanks to everyone who is reading and also to FelicityBall, my awesome friend who rec'd my story on her site (the best Twilight site in South Africa) - www(dot)twilightseries(dot)co(dot)za
Please leave me a review and let me know what you think :-)