-FOUR-

Tears for Lullabies

All of them made it through the hedge and back to the log without any further incident. Tiger greeted them joyfully, but was perplexed by the group's gloomy visage. The porcupine family withdrew into the log without a word, and the opossums disappeared into the trees.

"What is the matter?" Tiger inquired. "I trust it all went well, no?"

"Well, it would have be FINE if—" Verne stopped short after Stella shot him a look. Tiger got the feeling that there had been some kind of dissonance among them.

Stella sighed. "I'll fill you in on the details in a minute, Tiger. You two," Stella said, glaring at RJ and Verne. "—are gonna stay right here and fix whatever's going on between you. You have one hour." Stella grabbed Tiger and walked off, leaving RJ and Verne to themselves.

For a few minutes, both stood in silence, their arms crossed and backs to each other. They glared at each other through the corners of their eyes, sending daggers with every glance. Then, simultaneously, they spun around and started yelling again.

"You almost got us all killed for a stupid snack cake!"

"What the hell is your problem, Verne? Do you think I meant for that to happen?"

"No! But the thing is that you don't care! You're constantly plotting and scheming to steal from the suburbanites, meanwhile you shirk your responsibilities as a family member!"

"What? You think that raid was about me? It was for everyone's benefit! A family outing!"

"You think that Quillo enjoyed nearly drowning? That I was enjoying every second spent for our safety? Did you think even once that the 'family outing' could have turned into a repeat of the Gladys/Exterminator incident?"

"Hey, it's not like I wasn't keeping an eye out for ya'll…"

"Keeping an eye out for us? Keeping an eye out for us? I had to knock you to the damned floor before you started thinking of something besides your stupid Twinkies!"

RJ shifted uncomfortably.

"When is this cycle of you going to end? When will you finally listen to me and not throw all caution to the wind?"

RJ was avoiding eye contact.

Verne lowered his voice. "RJ, when are you going to straiten up and start acting like you have a family? Hammy, Heather, the kids… they all look up to you! The whole family trusts you to lead them. And I can't let them follow you into every danger on the list. Your lifestyle is just too erratic for family life."

RJ spoke up now. "Hey, don't blame me for the way I am. I know I make a few mistakes here and then, but you seriously need to lighten up. I've already shown ya'll I care. What more do I need to do for you to accept and trust me?"

It was Verne's turn to avoid eye contact. He felt bad that RJ could sense his lingering suspicion and uneasiness; after all, RJ had proven that he was reliable to everyone else. Still, Verne felt that it was his place to worry, to be extra cautious. "I'm sorry, RJ. You know that I'm extremely tentative, but… I don't know. It just seems that you just don't get it."

RJ raised an eyebrow.

"I know you've never had a family, so I really shouldn't blame you, but if you ever thought of anything besides meeting your every little whim, you might see that this family has needs other than junk food and video games. Life is more than pleasure, RJ, and if you don't understand that, you don't belong in a family."

"Of course I know that, Verne! But you don't have to take life so seriously. There's nothing wrong with trying to get the most out of life."

"Except when it means endangering others! Grah, why can't I get you to understand that?"

RJ bit his lip. "…This isn't about what happened in the house, is it? Cause I... didn't mean to lash out like that. I lost my temper. Being knocked down several feet will do that," RJ said, forcing a small laugh. He massaged the back of his neck. "Look...I'm still kind of in survival mode. That's how things were before meeting ya'll. It was just about me and my needs, trying to stay alive. I still haven't quite grasped the fact that that's not the way things are anymore."

Verne's eyebrow arched as he scanned RJ's face silently. Dropping his gaze to the floor, he let out a sigh. "Look RJ, I'm going to be real frank with you. Our family has been through a lot together. Before you came along, our biggest danger was not having enough food to make it through the winter. But ever since you came along… well, let's just say that we've met more trouble and life-threatening events in the two weeks you've been with us than in all the years we've lived together combined. And you know why that is? I'll tell you. It's because I wouldn't let anything bad happen. I care about this family more than I can express. I will do anything in my power to protect them, even if it means asking you to leave. And if you're not going to change, I'm afraid that I am going to have to ask you to move on."

RJ blinked, trying to absorb everything that entailed. "What?" he finally managed to gasp. He couldn't believe what Verne had just said. "Are you asking me to... leave?"

"Well, no, not exactly...at least I hope not. What I'm saying is that your habits are destructive to our family, and if you're not going to change, then the best thing for our family would be for you to leave."

"...what?" RJ's expression changed from one of shock to indignation. "Whatever happened to 'I'm what the family needs now?'"

"The world doesn't depend on you to revolve. And certainly not our family. You've been everything but a family member, and I sure everyone would agree with me that your selfish motives taint your better traits. You're the kind that would only save himself."

RJ fumed. "What are you talking about? I risked my life to save ya'll just a few weeks ago. I saved Quillo just this afternoon!"

"But not without motives. Both situations were your fault, and you wouldn't be able to live with the guilt."

"Oh, so now it's all my fault, is it?"

"You just don't get it, do you? I-"

"OH, I GET IT ALRIGHT!" RJ interjected angrily. He had had enough."Apparently, 'friends' and 'families' aren't all that I made them out to be. Next time you advertise for 'family,' leave out the 'loving trust and acceptance' part. It really gives people the wrong ideas." RJ picked up his blue golf bag, slung it across his back.

"Wait, where are you going?"

"Back to a family of me. If ya'll can't deal with me, then damn ya'll to hell. I can do better on my own."

"RJ! Wait!" RJ paid no heed to the turtle. Verne growled in frustration. "Fine then! Run away! Run away from all your problems! I'm sure it's easier that way! See what I care!"

He turned away muttering to himself, when something caught his eye. A small orange squirrel clambered down a nearby tree and paused in the middle of the path that RJ had taken. It was Hammy. He angrily wiped away a tear as he glared at Verne, then he ran off after RJ.

"Hammy, wait! I didn't mean…" Verne's voice trailed off. Shoot. Why does he always witness exactly what he shouldn't?

Hammy zipped through the trees searching for RJ. He heard Verne calling after him, but paid no attention. He felt angry about what Verne had said to RJ, and hoped strongly that RJ hadn't really meant what he had said. He spotted the raccoon a little ways away, and scrambled down the tree. As he approached his friend, he suddenly stopped. Was RJ… crying?

Hammy suddenly felt very afraid. He had never seen RJ in such a state, and it disturbed him acutely.

"R-RJ?" He whispered tentatively.

"Gah!" RJ exclaimed, spinning around, his eyes wide and teary. "O-oh, Hammy, i-it's you." RJ turned his face away. "Look…I need to be…a-alone right now."

"But RJ, I-"

"No, Hammy, j-just…no. Just leave. Please."

"RJ-"

"NO!" RJ yelled, turning on him angrily. Hammy stood petrified as the raccoon towered above him, his blue eyes intensely riveted. "Look, I'm glad I met you all, but it's time to move on. I'm not suited for a family life, it's just not my thing. You're better off without me, and I'm better off alone." He began to regret his rash outburst as he backed away slowly from trembling squirrel. "Goodbye, Hammy."

By the time Hammy made it back to the log, he was sobbing uncontrollably.

RJ ran.

He couldn't let the pain catch up with him. Thoughts and feelings that he had locked away deep within his chest were suddenly pushing forth with an unconquerable force, trying to seize his mind and wring his heart. He plowed through the forest, biting back tears, trying to subdue the muddled emotions of anger, hurt, and confusion that ate at him.

He hated himself for believing he could ever fit into a family, ever settle in a home, ever try to love. He felt stupid. All those songs about love warned of heartbreak and rejection, yet he had been stupid enough to try it anyway. And now he was facing the consequences.

It was a pain worse than the achy loneliness he was so familiar with. At least before he had hopes of one day belonging, of being understood and loved by those he cared about. But now that was gone. All that was left was an empty pit in the left side of his chest. That hurt. A lot.

RJ tried to swallow the lump in his throat as he took in his surroundings. He was out of the forest now, standing beside a highway. Rubbing a paw over his eyes, he checked for cars. It was getting dark now, and he could see the headlights of an oncoming vehicle. Waiting until it passed, RJ crossed the road and continued his excursion.

RJ was too absorbed in his own thoughts to notice the milieu. He knew the way well, so he didn't make any stops to navigate. He didn't even stay to engage in his usual habit of rummaging through the picnic area for leftovers. He just ran until he couldn't run anymore.

It was completely dark by the time he began to detect a repulsively rancid odor, telling him he was nearing his destination. RJ grimaced; the dump smelled worse than he had remembered it, and he realized that he must have become so used to it before that he had grown accustomed to it. RJ approached a 6-foot tall chain linked fence that had a few strands of barbed-wire at the top. Walking alongside the fence a few yards, the raccoon came to a section where the dirt under the fence had been clawed away. Pushing his bag under first, RJ began to squeeze his own body through the hole. He must have eaten well the past few weeks, for he found himself struggling to do what usually came easily. Grunting, RJ thrust himself forward, pushing through the fence with his arms.

Falling forward suddenly, RJ picked himself up and dusted his fur off. As he slung the golf bag over his shoulder, he gazed up at the mountain of dirt before him. An eerie feeling of dread overcame him. He was back to his old life. The raccoon hung his head in silence. He had been so close to attaining the unkown desires of his heart, only to have them slip away, so easily. Cursing under his breath, RJ braced himself for the climb up the giant wall of dirt.

When he finally reached the top, the wave of stench was overpowering. Gagging a little, RJ clutched his nose tightly as he scanned the darkness around him. Some ways below him was an expansive pit that he knew was full of discarded human junk. Far off in the distance, lighting bolts danced in the corners of the sky. Rain was probably in the week's forcast.

RJ slid down the mound of silt and let his eyes adjust. Avoiding piles of rusty cans, tires, and other debris, RJ made his way towards a large object protruding from a pile of trash. It was a car, its make and model indestinguishable and its windows busted. Crawling in through one of its windows, RJ searched the inside before dropping onto the cold leather of the driver's seat. He threw off his backpack, reclined the chair, and then reached under the seat. Finding nothing, RJ pulled back his hand in confusion. "Where did I...? Ah!" RJ found the stash of newspapers scattered on the backseat. Grabbing a few, RJ straitened them out before laying them over his body.

Then reality sunk in. He was alone again. There was no one to wish goodnight. No other body to give warmth. No sound but his own breath. No one to greet in the morning. Nothing to wake to but hunger.

RJ bit back threatening tears.

He was alone again.

Or so he thought.

RJ did not notice three pairs of eyes watching him carefully. In what he thought to be the dark secret of the car, RJ finally let his tears fall.

"You told him what?"

Verne shifted uncomfortably. He knew that this was coming, but that didn't make it any easier.

"I said that if he's not going to change, then it would be better for us all if he just left."

Those words that had seemed so sound before now sounded so cold, so cruel. Verne felt Stella's harsh glare as he stared numbly at the ground. Hammy's strangled sobs filled the air as the hedgies watched Verne dumbfounded.

"What were you thinkin'?"

Verne didn't know. It had all been a blur. He had said so many stupid, insensitive things. It had all gone horribly wrong.

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean for it to turn out the way it did." An apology was no good now, and he knew it. But what else could he possibly do or say to make up for the damage done?

No one else really knew what to do. Stella had one arm crossed over her chest as the other held up her forehead. Tiger placed a paw on her shoulder, looking perplexed and concerned. Ozzie grasped his daughter's hand as both stood with mouths agape. Penny held a paw over her mouth as Lou placed a comforting paw around her. The porcupine kids just stood with eyes wide as tears began to form. Hammy's sobs could be heard from a tree nearby.

Hammy had been the one who brought the news that RJ was gone. The family was appalled, and Stella had immediately begun to press Verne for answers. Verne had given them reluctantly, guilt building at every word he confessed.

"So you're sorry, huh?" Stella finally said. "Well let me tell you, if he ain't back by tomorrow, yo gonna be sorry."

I'M SO SORRY!

I kept ya'll waiting FAR TOO LONG. What's my alibi? The past two weeks were CRAZY. First I was forced through hell. Oh, torture of tortures!*dramatic pose of horror* ...aaaand now I'm somewhere between the state of euphoria and Texas. In the process, I've either gained 3 levels of maturity or lost 5 levels of innocence. Life is weird.

Anyway, after writing and re-writing this chapter, and then re-writing again, I have finally resigned to the fact that I should just put this up. I figured that if it was so bad that someone would complain, then fine, at least I would know what to fix. But after editing it so many times, it's like I'm either blind or numb to any mistakes, and I can't tell if it flows well or even makes any sense. So if you got any complaints or suggestions, I'm all ears. Or, eh, eyes. Okay now, I'm gonna get some sleep.