AN: Hi! This is my first Hetalia fic and it probably won't be very long, but yeah. Enjoy and review if you like, so I know that I should write more! It will be AU and very crack-ish. I decided that I would go with Vanya as FemRussia's name even though it is a diminutive of Ivan, it's so pretty sounding, da?

Lars=Netherlands/Holland

Mathis=Denmark

Nikolov=Genderbended Natalia (yay for genderbending! Maybe that should be part of the warning? Ah well…too late now!)

Dee Elle: Thanks for reviewing! It's much appreciated! And I totally have a plan for Alfred and FemRussia, just you wait!

ChaoticLight: I know, Alfred is a total dunce! Anyway, thanks for the review! And the Compliment XP!

Summary: Lars falls in love with Alfred's wife.

Chapter 1

Vanya's POV~

I couldn't remember much from last night. All I know is that I went out to a bar and drank tons of vodka, because vodka was the best drink in the world. Nothing compared to Russian Vodka! I don't even remember meeting the blonde idiot I woke up with. Or marrying him for that matter. I wondered what my sister would say, Yekaterina would most likely disapprove but she decided long ago that she wanted to keep her distance from me. It still saddened me that she never even wrote. And Nikolov was deranged and obsessed with marrying me, so he wouldn't be happy with me at this point. I fear what he would do if he found out.

Alfred, as I came to find out, was a complete idiot. The first thing he said to me when he woke up was, 'You are not a hamburger!' I then proceeded to hit him. He whined like a baby for a while before calling somebody, which I thought was rude. One shouldn't call people when they are in the company of others. He did call me a babe though, which I think is a good thing. I'm not very familiar with English slang. Afterward, he asked me all sorts of stupid questions.

"What is your name? Where are you from? Are you a Communist? Do you eat babies? Have you ever killed someone?" Other such questions were asked and I felt obligated to smack his insensitive ass multiple times. It was quite satisfying. He told me many things, mostly about how awesome America was, like he was trying to convert me. It was annoying and I smacked him again. He complained a lot for a man, but maybe I was giving him too much credit?

He received another call and then rushed me to get dressed. He is a very rude man, but it could have been worse. I could have woken up next to my brother.

He led me to a quaint little café that I frequented often because their prices were low and the food quality was pretty good. Many of his teammates, as he told me before hand, were gaping, but I was expecting that. One in particular caught my attention. He had spiky hair and a scar above his right eye. He looked very rugged, but his mouth was hanging open like his jaw was broken. I believe he was checking me out. So I did what any girl would do. I turned to Alfred,

"You should tell your friend to pick up his jaw before I break it." Alfred seemed shocked and slightly appalled. He didn't seem to understand that his friend was blatantly checking me out. Idiot. His friend closed his jaw and continued to stare at me. It reminded me of Nikolov, but not as scary.

Alfred sat down and began to talk to his friends and I glared at him. Shouldn't he have pulled out a seat for me? Or at least introduce me? His friends were looking curiously at me and I felt slightly awkward as he carried on a conversation without noticing me at all. How rude. Suddenly his spiky haired friend stood up and pulled out his chair, offering it me. I walked over and took his seat.

"Спасибо. Это хорошо, что кто-то манеры." I muttered, not aware that I had been heard. (Thankyou. It is good that someone has manners. [I think?])

"My name is Tino, and you are?" I turned to the blonde next me and gave a slight smile.

"My name is Vanya Braginskaya."

"It is nice to meet you! This is Berwald," he pointed to a tall, stoic, blonde man with glasses next to him, "Mathis," a tall man with wild hair, "and Lars," the man who was gaping at me was still gaping at me, but now he sported a slight blush. It was amusing to me.

"It is nice to meet you all. At least someone has some manners." I replied looking at Alfred who was taking part in an animated discussion with another blonde man.

"Oh, don't mind him. He can be a bit air headed at times." Tino said, smiling cheerfully. Part of me wanted to pinch him. I refrained.

"You don't say." The spiky haired man had yet to sit down and I looked at him questioningly.

"Why do you keep staring at me?" He stuttered, mumbled, and blushed so much I wondered if his head might explode (I know this isn't typical Netherlands behavior, but I'm trying to portray the fact that he is in awe of her beauty! Romantic, da?). Tino placed a hand on his shoulder as if to comfort him and I wondered if he was in pain over something.

"Yeeeeaaaaah….he usually isn't this bad around beautiful women." The tall one (Mathis? I don't know) said from his seat and I felt a slight blush come to my cheeks.

"Vanya! These are my teammates!" Alfred shouted right into my ear causing me to shriek before sending an elbow into his face on instinct alone. "Ah jeeze! You crazy commie, what was that for!"

Alfred was holding his nose and blubbering on and on.

"It is not my fault that you snuck up on me and scared me! That is what you get!" I reached over and grabbed a napkin from the table. "And I'm not a commie!" I tried to pull his hands away but he kept on mumbling things. I couldn't understand most of it because it was so fast and my English isn't that good but the words 'married', 'commie', and 'crazy' were said.

"It wasn't my idea to get married to idiot like you either! All you have done since we woke up was complain endlessly, call me names, and act childishly!" Alfred pulled his hand down and furrowed his eyebrows.

'At least he isn't crying anymore…'

"Well, it wasn't my idea to marry a crazy, ugly, stupid commie! All you've done is insult me, beat on me, and threaten me!" There was a gasp around the table and I felt a vaguely murderous feeling rise up inside me.

"Sounds like for-play to me." Mathis muttered to Lars (who had been knocked out of his stupor by the yelling), who wiggled his eyebrows in return. I ignored them and lifted my hands, intending to wrap them around his neck.

"You stupid ублюдок!* I'll kill you!"

"Alfred! Apologize at once! That is no way for a man to treat a woman, let alone his wife!" A blonde man with thick eyebrows and green eyes said, standing up and grabbing Alfred by the ear. I wasn't deterred. I approached Alfred and shot my hands out, only to be yanked back when I was centimeters from my target.

"Alright, I think we need to calm down. As much as the dumbass deserves it, I can't have you killing my teammate. We actually need him." I turned around to see Lars, who promptly blushed and smiled. I deflated in defeat and allowed him to place me in a chair, on the other side of the table from Alfred, who was being scolded by the blonde man.

"Who is that man?" I pointed to the blonde man from before and Tino followed my finger.

"That would be Arthur. He is like Alfred's cousin or something. He is sort of the unofficial team manager. He just follows the team around and makes sure Alfred doesn't do anything stupid."

"He did a great job last night." Lars muttered and I couldn't help but agree.

"Yeah, last night he was distracted by Francis…" Tino trailed off, a bright blush on his face.

"So, they fucked?" I thought it was a valid question. Tino sputtered and blushed, while Lars and Mathis snickered. The tallest blonde gave a grave nod, while staring me down. It was a bit freaky but I stared right back. Then he smiled. Well, maybe it was a smile, a demented, twisted, creepy smile. I think I might have shrieked in terror but I will deny that forever.

"Berwald, didn't I tell you no smiling? You're creeping everyone out." Lars said, taking a sip of his tea.

"You guys, coach called. He wants to have a team meeting before practice." There were collective groans around the table before they started to get up and call over the waiter. While they were paying their tabs Alfred walked over, his hands raised indicating peace.

"Um, I guess I'll see you after practice?"

"Yes, we should talk about situation and what to do next."

"Okay, we'll be at the hotel around five-"

"In the morning?"** Alfred rolled his eyes and moaned in annoyance.

"He meant seventeen hundred." Tino put in helpfully.

"Yeah, we'll be there then."

"Okay, good bye."

Normal POV~with the guys

Alfred turned to look at his roommate with a raised eyebrow.

"So, you got the hots for my wife, huh?" Lars looked at the other for a moment.

"I should hit you for calling her ugly. She's probably the best looking girl you've ever been with."

"Yeah, dude, calling a girl ugly to her face is pretty much as bad as calling her fat-" Mathis was cut off by Alfred.

"Which she kind of is, by the way." Lars promptly punched Alfred in the arm, causing the other blonde to start whining.

"Okay dude, you've got issues if you think she was fat. Hey, if you divorce her, do you think she'll go for me?" Mathis asked, also getting punched by Lars. "Hey, don't get so touchy! I was just asking."

"Mathis, you don't want any of what she's selling, trust me man. She's crazy! All she does is hit me, threaten to kill me, and insult me! Did you know that she called me fat? Me! Fat? Yeah right." Mathis, Lars, and Tino shared a look.

"Well, Alfred, you are starting to get a small gut. It's probably all that greasy, fattening food you eat." Tino said, trying to not anger the American. Alfred rolled his eyes.

"I'm not fat. Besides, who is she to call me fat?" Lars again punched him, this time in the lower back.

"Kidney shot!" Alfred yelped in pain and started whining all over again.

"You know Lars, I'm starting to think you actually like that crazy commie." Lars hit him again.

"Your right Alfred, I think Lars has a crush!" Mathis proclaimed loudly, getting the attention of most of their present teammates. There was snickering all around and jokes. Lars ignored them and started to walk a bit faster. He heard his teammates burst out in laughter behind him.

Later that Day~

"You want to get divorce?" Vanya asked. Alfred sighed and scratched his head.

"Well, I don't want to stay married, do you?"

"To you? Nyet," Alfred pouted at the emphasis, "but I do not want to stay in Russia. Maybe we can make compromise?"

"What do you mean? Compromise?" Vanya rolled her eyes.

"We stay married, I go with you but you can screw whoever you want and I won't care."

"Well, I'm sure my coach won't care, he doesn't really care that Arthur comes with us. I'm sure he won't mind you as well. He might ask that you contribute though."

"I can do laundry, make healthy food, whatever, da?"

"Well, as long as we don't have to share a bed, I'm cool with that." She rolled her eyes again.

'I can't believe I'm desperate enough to get out of Russia to live with this fool.'

"Okay. I go get my things, da? Goodbye!" Alfred watched as she walked away, appreciating the fact that he would at least have something nice to look at on the bus.

"Nice Ass." He then turned to go back to his room.

* ублюдок=bastard

** Europeans use the military time thing instead of the way in the US and since its Alfred...well, I think you get it XP. I thought I would throw that in there because I find it funny.

I decided that Vanya will have problems with certain English words, sayings, and slang. In Russian, there aren't words like, 'the', 'a', and 'an' so she won't be using those either. If you read sentences and go wtf?, That sounds wonky, it was meant to be that way! I won't, however, be writing her thoughts like that because I don't want it all to sound like crap lol.

Well, things are going to get more interesting soon. I just thought I would put in some interaction to set the foundation for how rocky the road will be!

So, who do ya'll want Vanya to end up with?

Here are the options:

Alfred, her creepy brother Nikolov (if you want it, I'll write it, but I might not enjoy it, then again…), Lars (I think he deserves some love, da?), Mathis (total bamf btw), or another one of the characters!

Let me know! It is completely up to you guys and you can vote by review. I'll probably end the voting by next Sunday, so let the voting commence!

Peace guys ~_l