I know there has been awhile since I update this one and I hope that you still want to read this and that this is any good.
I would love to know what you think and if I should keep this story going or if I just should get an end to this as soon as possible.
Chapter 6 One or two broken hearts
At the house when the takeout had arrived and the both of us sat in the living-room. And both of us knew that this was something that needed to be done but neither of us wanted to be the first one to take that step. But I knew that I should be the one to take that step. It was me that wanted to talk about this after all there for it should be me that takes that step.
"Okay, here goes nothing." I said mostly so that I could break the silence that had been between us and it wasn't one of those that can be comfortable, it was just plain awkward.
"Yeah you're right, this is something that we need to talk about, but I really don't know where to start." She said and looked at me, and asked me with her eyes if I knew where to start, but I didn't. This was the part that was really hard for both of us and could turn around pretty much everything. This could make or break us as friends.
"I don't really know where to start. The only thing that I know is that when we broke it off, I know that I had a really hard time to cope for a few months and nothing seemed right at that time." I said, that was the first that I could say.
"I know that I had a hard time to deal with that too." she said. I kind of knew that she would have some trouble coping with that too.
"When we broke it off, I know that most of it was to blame at me but it still hurt really badly when it happened. I just didn't know how to react to all of it." I told her, and I could feel how tears began to form in my eyes, this was something that I didn't want to happen. I didn't want her to see my cry I wanted to be strong mostly for my own sake but at the same time I didn't want her to see how all of this really had affected me but I think that she already knew after what I have told her before.
"I know that you think that all of that was your fault and that you are to blame but at the same time I had some part of it all." She confessed but when I looked at her it felt like she just said it to make me feel better.
"Alex listen, I don't want you to think that you have anything to do with the fact that we broke up I know that you were the one that broke up with me but at the same time I was the one that drove you to do it. I didn't commit as much as you did to our relationship back then."
"Rissa you can't say that. I still believe that we both are to blame. I should have been more aware of how you felt with all of that. I mean it was all knew for you, I was at that point at one time I should have known how frighten you were of all that happened." She said and somehow I could see that she meant all of what she said, it was something present in her eyes.
"I might be able to agree with you to some part of what you say but at the same time you need to understand that I wasn't mature enough to have that kind of relationship that you wanted to have, I had a lot of growing up to do before I could commit to anything like that. Besides that, I told you this before but everything that I felt was new and not that fact that you were a girl but the feelings, they were so strong and I couldn't really acknowledge them, cause I didn't know what there were." I said and I really tried hard to tell her how I had seen on this whole thing but was hard for me to try to explain it but I don't know if I did a good job with it.
"I know what you are trying to tell me but this doesn't feel right. I think that there is something that we both are missing at this point. You are saying that it all is your fault and I'm trying to tell you that we both are to blame. I believe that is something that we at the moment have to disagree on. Bit at the same time we need to move on. To look forward." She said and I couldn't agree with her more, but for me it was hard, cause when she left I had a broken heart, so from that break up there was at least one heart break. All I knew was that I had fallen really hard for her but I didn't tell her that.
"I… I know that you are right about moving forward but I don't know if I will be able to do that as thing s look right know." I said and tears were slowly falling down my cheeks I had given up on holding back my feelings, I would just let them show it was the best thing I could do.
"What do you mean with that, of course you can move forward?" She said, well it was more like screaming, she had raised her voice without even noticing that she had done it.
"Alex, please…" I tried to tell her. "Alex, please just don't yell." I tried to beg her but I don't know if I managed to reach her, I really tried to plead to her to lower her voice.
"What!?" now she was yelling, and I didn't know what I was supposed to do, to make her stop.
"Alex, you are yelling. I just wanted you to stop. It scares me." I couldn't remember when she yelled at me, if she ever did all I could think of at that moment was what Ryan had told me, that Alex had been throwing beer-cans at him at one point during mine and Alexs' relationship.
"Fine." She said and she sound like she was giving in but I knew that that wasn't the case. After that she just left the room and went outside. That led me to make a conclusion that she needed some time to think about all of this and cool down a bit. I think that she made that decision for the both of us so that we wouldn't say something that we would regret later.
She came back about an hour later, she had cooled down and I was glad that she had done that, that was kind of nice and maybe we could continue this conversation yet again because I felt like there were some more things that we needed to ventilate before heading out seas and we would be at that both for about two weeks before we was at the first port that we would visit.
"Okay so I'm back so let us talk but just so you know I don't like this but I do think that we need to have this discussion before we leave." She said to me.
"Okay so you are right but I want you to know that I think that we need to take it a bit easier than we did before and not scream at each other and if we feel like we can't have that a civil discussion then we might not be ready." I said and she kind of looked shocked that was something that she had done a numerous times during our days together since we meet again.
"are you sure that you are Marissa Cooper, cause what I remember she wasn't that grown up and never had that way with words."
"I'm pretty sure that that is who I am but we can always look at my driver's license and I think that I might have grown up just a bit during this time."
"That sounds good actually." She said and smiled, it was nice to see that she could smile even thou we did have some unsolved things that we needed to attend to.
"I kind of have one thing to tell you. I know that you think that we both are to blame, and after you left today I did some thinking and I think that you might be right to some point."
"that was what I said." She said and she was grinning at me.
"Okay fine whatever you say, I can see the old and cocky Alex Kelly showing and I don't know if that is a good thing." All that she did when I said that was laughing, that was a good thing.
"Okay, Rissa you said that you wanted to tell me so just tell me." She said and one more time you could see that she didn't like this whole thing and she began to lose her temper.
"All I wanted to say was that when you left, I was kind of heartbroken."
"Kind of, you can't be kind of, that was our problem to begin with it was always kind of."
"Fine you want me to say it." I yelled and I remembered that I had told her that we needed to have a normal discussion and not yell at each other but here I was yelling at her.
"I thought you said that we shouldn't yell and here you are doing exactly that."
"I know and I'm sorry about that but I didn't know what else to do. You say that I couldn't be kind of heartbroken and you that is true."
"Thank you."
"It wasn't true because I was heartbroken; you broke my heart without even knowing it." There it was, I had told her that she had broken my heart and here I was standing waiting for her to say something anything really.
"So you think that you were the only one that was heartbroken. If you think so then you really need to think again. I was falling for you. No that isn't true I had already fallen for you. That was something new to me to but I didn't want to run from it, I wanted to make it real." She said and I could see tears falling down her cheeks and there was nothing I could do, I was shocked and I didn't know how I was supposed to react to all of this. Then I heard her continue, "When I left that day at the beach, at the bonfire all I could do at that moment was think that it was breaking my heart to leave you and breaking up with you. So you weren't the only one that had a broken heart after that I would say that we both had that but when I broke up with you I didn't see that part from you. You seemed almost pleased that it happened." Was all she said and she was crying at this moment and I couldn't see or more like understand it.
"Why?" was the only thing that I could ask her, I mean why do you break up with someone if you are falling for them, I know that I wouldn't do that.
"It's pretty easy to answer that, you were not ready for that kind of relationship and except that we were also drifting apart. So why would I stay in that kind of relationship when I could feel that it was going to end." She said and I have to admit that it was a good answer.
"But how could you be sp sure of that, I wasn't sure of that all I knew was that I felt something that I have never felt before and it was scaring me a lot I needed help and there were no one there that could help me with that and that really sucked."
"That is what you say now when you have had almost a year to think about it and besides that you never told me that, you just closed in and began to close me off and stopped telling me things."
"Okay so I made a few mistakes and I'm as good as a person to say that I know about them and that I want to make up for them." I said and this time it was my turn to burst to tears. This was just so much harder than I ever imagined it to be.
"Okay if that is what you say and I don't want you to cry. I think that there is something that we can agree on and that is that there were more than one broken heart at that time, it was to hearts that broke that night." She said, I know that she always had it in her to be the smart one and this was the proof of that. I know that there is one thing that I want to be true.
"I hope that there is a little chance for those hearts that broke that night to be mended once again." Was the last thing I said before leaving I couldn't handle anymore of all of this at the moment maybe some other day but not now?