Chapter One Hundred
The comment quickly had Lorna's head innately bowing in shame of herself and the behavior she displayed over a measly piece of toast. Why did she have to be so afraid of fucking food of all things? The query popped through her mind. After all the shit she'd been through and all the abuse she'd endured why the hell was it that she was more fearful of an inanimate object such as food than she was of what she had done to her? She grinded her teeth into the flesh of her tongue, shaking her head at herself. Clearly, she was the most insane person to ever walk the face of the earth.
Coffee scented the entire room and its steam gradually seeped up through the nostrils of Lorna's nose. An easement came over her immediately upon its entrance. Coffee truly did have the ability to give her comfort and peace. Which, of course, only added to the fact of how mentally insane Lorna wholeheartedly happened to be. Lips twitched into a smirk but then quickly fell back in place. Once again she shook her head in spite of herself and fixed her stare back onto the middle of the table where the toast and fruit resided.
Sensing her worsening apprehension, Nicky lovingly rested a hand on Lorna's arm and waited for her to turn in her direction. When she complied their eyes met and Nicky gave an encouraging smile to her. "I know it's hard, kid, but why don't you go ahead and get a slice of the toast? Come on I know you can do it; you're a strong girl, babe. Plus it is really good, ya gotta try a bite at least. I'll have another one and we can eat it together. Would that help at all—maybe make it a little easier for ya?"
The gesture was sweet and warmed Lorna's heart but nothing would ever make it easier to put food in her mouth and actually swallow it down. She kept that thought to herself, however, knowing it would only make the situation worse. Instead she timidly nodded her head and shakily reached a hand towards the middle of the table to pick up a random piece of the toast. She brought her hand back to right in front of her, realizing she had nowhere to set the food down other than the surface of the table.
A big breath exhaled through her mouth. Eyes momentarily shut as she tried conjure up a plan on what to do.
Nicky noticed the dilemma and quickly grabbed a plate off the tray, placing it in front of Lorna. Her fingers stroked softly around the arm she still had her hand gently pressing into. "There ya go, babe, you can set it on that plate right there," she lovingly directed the blatantly distressed brunette beside her. She watched as Lorna did exactly that and afterwards their brown eyes melded together once more. Nicky sighed and raised her hand up to curl a loose strand of hair behind Lorna's ear with. "It's okay…you don't have to overthink everything, doll. Just take a breath and relax. You'll be okay, I promise."
The comment Nicky made was swiftly followed by Red's returning to the table with a cup of coffee she placed on the surface right in front of where Lorna was situated. While Red took a seat back in her previous chair, after having gone to pour herself a small cup full, Lorna looped her hand in the handle of hers and slowly dragged it closer. Once she was pleased with the amount of distance—or rather lack thereof—between the coffee and herself she bent her head down and took a sniff of the contents of her mug.
Instantly a wave of comfort came over her. She closed her eyes and nodded her head. Nothing smelled better than the strong aroma of a good cup of coffee she believed. Eyes reopened and she lifted her head a bit but fixed her stare down into the cup, checking to make sure the color was up to her standards. Satisfied with both the visual aesthetic and the bold scent, Lorna lifted it off of the table and brought it to her lips for a heavily desirable sip.
Her throat warmed up with each round of coffee that traveled down along it. The apprehension faded a small amount and a half smile reformed from the corners of her lips. "The coffee's real good, Red, thank you," she told her after setting the mug back onto the table's surface. Eyes peered over methodically at the older woman who she saw was staring right back at her with a full smile on her face.
Red sipped her own and nodded her agreement. The coffee tasted nice and strong just the way she liked it. "Of course, honey. I know how to brew a mean coffee if I do say so myself," she said and the three of them all shared a little laugh. Her eyes shifted onto the spread in the middle of the table before she reached a hand over to claim a slice of toast with. She placed it on her plate and then grabbed the jar of jam along with the teaspoon right near it.
While she gradually covered the top of her toast with the strawberry jam, she shifted her gaze up onto Lorna and gestured her other hand at the untouched toast sitting on Lorna's plate. "Have you had a bite yet? I wanna know what you girls think of it—it's a new recipe I tried and I need some opinions on it. You want this jam to spread on? It's strawberry flavor, I just never got into the grape."
Nervously putting her focus onto her own slice of toast, Lorna swallowed thickly and placed a shaking hand near the edge of it. Her lower lip inverted under her top one as she slowly inched her hand closer to the bread. A knot formed in the pit of her stomach the closer her hand got to it; once it was touching the toast slice the knot doubled in size and Lorna swallowed a thick lump. Why did this have to be such a fucking ordeal? Her mind frustratingly cried out. Why did she have to make such a simple task so damn ridiculously challenging? It was toast—a piece of fucking toast for Christ's sake.
Eyes looked the piece of fucking toast precisely over. Each little grain of wheat being mentally counted. It wasn't just a piece of toast. It was a piece of putting on extra weight. Extra weight her body did not need. Air huffed heavily from her chattering lips. Uncle George surely used to remind her of that when she'd try to prepare herself a simple breakfast. She'd never forget his taunting words each time she'd take a bite of any food item in his presence. As if he was the owner of her body and had the right to tell her what to do with it. An eleven year old child at the time. She swallowed uneasily and tried to rid those memories from her mind.
"I-I haven't yet," she truthfully admitted to her own surprise.
Her head lifted up away from her plate of food and peered over at the Russian woman who was now ripping the crust from her own slice of toast and dipping it in her coffee. Lorna had a faint urge to smile but couldn't bring herself to actually do so. The nerves and tension were too much. She opened her mouth and sucked in a deep breath. Attention reluctantly returned to her plain buttered toast; she tried to bring her hand towards the crust to rip it off of the rest but from how vividly it was shaking she couldn't successfully accomplish that.
"You just take your time, Lorna, there's no rush," Red smiled after swallowing the bite she had taken. She waved her hand in the air which kept both the girl's attention. "But I'll say your Nonna sure knew what she was doing dipping the toast in her coffee…it's delicious. Even better than dipping a cookie in it."
Nicky twisted her head around in her mother's direction and threw a glance her way. "Gee I wish I could try that, ma, but I guess I'll never know since ya only made enough coffee for—"
A warm, playful, chuckle escaped from Red as she interjected her daughter's words with the wagging of her finger. "Oh, Nicky, if ya want a coffee go pour yourself a cup. There's enough left in the pot for a small one. I just figured it was a little late for you and the caffeine."
"Wow, ma, you think it's late for me to have caffeine when you're like what twice my age and having a cup?"
Red darkened her stare on her daughter while crossing her arms defensively over her chest. "You better watch that mouth of yours, my girl, I'm not that old yet. I can still fight. Now go on and get your coffee so you can see how good this is."
The redhead teenager abided by her mother's word and hurriedly went to prepare herself a cup of coffee. Only a few minutes later did she return to the table with it. She sipped the bold beverage happily and then set it down next to her empty plate. A hand reached towards the middle of the table, grappling onto a second slice of toast which she carefully brought back to her plate and placed it right on top. She copied her mother's earlier movement ripping some of the crust from the bread and dunking it into the mug of coffee.
Complacent with the amount of coffee the piece soaked up Nicky brought it back out of the cup and up to her mouth to eat the piece with. Several chews later it was finally swallowed down and she fixed her eyes on Red, nodding at her, and then shifted them onto Lorna who still had yet to even nibble on any of her toast. "Hmm, that really does taste pretty good. You Italians sure know how to eat good, huh kid?"
The lump in Lorna's throat grew more uncomfortable despite the forced smile she molded on her face. She gave a slight nod even though the comment was ironic since the last thing she did was eat good. Fuck she was lucky if she even ate at all anymore these days. For fuck's sake she still couldn't even take a measly damn bite of the damn little piece of toast she ripped off. Eating good was not in her vocabulary and hadn't been in years. Not since before the whole incident with her uncle happened.
After having a couple more bites of the toast, Nicky sighed at the mere fact that she still had yet to witness Lorna even take one. She scooted her chair closer to Lorna and wrapped a soothing arm around her shoulder. Her other hand she cupped around Lorna's cheek with, slowly turning her so that their faces and eyes were on the same level. "Come on, doll, ya gotta have a bite. I know it's scary but you haven't had hardly anything to eat today so I'm gonna need you to eat that slice of toast in front of ya. Please. How about we get some jam spread on there and maybe put a little of the fruit on your plate? You like strawberries and blueberries don't ya?" A loose strand of brown hair caught her eye which she moved softly away with her index finger.
Biting down on her bottom lip, Lorna looked back at Nicky with somewhat widened eyes. Jam had calories in it which would make her toast even more fattening for her she mentally calculated. Plus the sugar and carbs and the fruit which contained those as well, she couldn't even fathom consuming all of them at once. That was enough to last her an entire week. The mental calculations caused anxiety to express itself physically through the prominent creasing of her forehead.
Her hand felt the cold glass of the jam jar pressing right into its palm which had instantly taken Lorna out from her incessant thoughts. Eyes apprehensively put their focus onto the item. The way it was facing meant her stare was right on the nutrition facts. She swallowed uncomfortably, trying to not look at the many different numbers written on them. However, her thumb had a mind of its own and quickly found its way onto the paper covering around the glass jar right where the nutrition information was listed out.
It moved down until landing right above the calorie line. Interest piquing, Lorna's eyes gradually narrowed down onto where her thumb was resting and read the caloric number with a searing intensity. Shortly after her eyes squeezed tightly shut and she did her best to not think too much over the number. Fifty calories wasn't that bad, she tried to rationalize with herself. It wasn't that much. But it was. Fifty calories was half of one hundred which meant she would be eating merely one hundred calories just from the damn tablespoon of jam. She swallowed down a thick coating of saliva that had uncomfortably formed at the tip of her tongue before shakily lifting her hand up towards the lid.
A few minutes it took for Lorna to screw the lid off from the jar. Once she had succeeded, the overwhelming aroma of sugary fruit spread hit her nose within seconds. The smell was delightful, a welcoming one but also proved to her how all she was about to put inside of her was a sugary carbohydrate-latent glob of fruit. Fruit she couldn't tell if it was fresh or synthetic. Though she felt a heaping volume of discomfort towards it all, Lorna pushed through and grabbed a spoon to retrieve some of the fruit spread with. She had no time to sit and stress over this. Not if she wanted to keep Nicky and Red from worrying over her. She needed them to believe she was fine, better. And damn it she was going to do exactly that.
The spoon of jam was brought over to her slice of toast and very carefully spread onto the top of it where the melted butter had soaked into the warm center of it. After the spoon was wiped clean Lorna set it aside and resealed the jar with its lid. To ease away some of her discomfort, Lorna reached for her coffee and took a slow sip of it. Her head turned slightly and she watched Nicky take the jam jar, copying her earlier gesture by taking a spoonful of the jam and spreading it on her toast as well.
Nicky finished her task and once she placed the jar back onto the middle of the table, she turned to return Lorna's stare with one of her own. It wasn't hard for her to observe the blatant distress showing itself on the younger teen's face. A frown flickered slightly on hers. She reached a hand over, placing it lovingly overtop of Lorna's. "I know this is scary for ya, kid, but you've done so good putting the jam on your toast. I didn't think you would, I'm proud a ya for that."
Having the tenderness of Nicky's thumb caressing along the knuckles of her hand Lorna breathed in and exhaled slowly. Comfort warmed through her entire body as she placed her other hand onto the edge of her piece of toast, nervously ripping a sliver of the crust off with two of her fingers. She swallowed a lump but brought the small piece of crust over to her coffee cup and slowly dunk it inside. When it was soaked just right Lorna retrieved it and lifted it timorously up to her faintly tremoring lips.
She closed her eyes for a moment hoping the gesture would somehow make it easier to consume the item but all it did was make her lips tremor more. A frustrated breath shook through her esophagus. She opened her eyes and glared darkly at the crust in her hand. Mere millimeters from her mouth. She hated how weak she was. How much she feared a crumb of a piece of ripped up toast. Normal people didn't fucking struggle the way she seemed to over something so damn simple. Something that everyone had to do every day just to fucking breathe and keep functioning.
Something she couldn't bring herself to do without overanalyzing every miniscule fucking goddamn detail. It was utterly exhausting; sometimes that made her wish she wasn't this way. Wasn't a person so meek and timid around food. A person who dreaded each and every meal, who longed to not be around other people just for them to worry and try to encourage her that eating was good for her. That if she ate—even small amounts—she'd be doing her body well.
Lorna grinded on her teeth and shook her head. The mountain she would have to climb to achieve such a thing was not worth the outcome in her eyes. She liked where she was right now, she didn't want to get out of it. Didn't want to go back to eating the way everyone else did and gain weight again. But she also knew if she didn't at least try she would only keep her girlfriend stressing and fraying. So, despite all of her own desires, she forced the crumb of crust slice into her mouth and chewed it in a thorough manner.
To aid in the task, she grabbed her coffee and sipped a good portion of it down making chewing the food a lot less dreary. By the time she'd swallowed the mixture of coffee and crust down she could hardly remember there was once food in her mouth. Relief washed over her and she settled her eyes on what remained on her plate. There still lied a decent portion of the toast she noted with a defeated breath. A normal person would pick the damn thing up and eat it that way but not Lorna. No, Lorna had to make it into a damn mountain as with everything else she did. She was getting to a point where she was fed the fuck up with herself. But even feeling like that she still couldn't get herself to give in and eat the toast in the way regular every day people had. The fear had a crippling effect on her and because of that it trumped all other feelings.
As her hand anxiously rested itself underneath the toast slice, her eyes shifted up staring between Red and Nicky. Both who had just simultaneously dipped their own slices in their cups of coffee and had currently been in the process of chewing it. Lorna sighed, focusing back on her own plate. There was so much worse happening in her life, she knew, and yet she was more scared of eating the fucking toast than of the thought of having to have her liver transplanted into her father. She shook her head at herself. What the fuck kind of sense did that make? Eating a slice of toast should be nothing in the grand scheme of things she tried to reason. However, reasoning with herself was never an easy task. No one was more stubborn than she was and she fucking knew it. Sure, Nicky could be pretty hard-headed occasionally but not nearly as much as she could be.
Air soundly escaped her lungs and she allowed her eyes to squeeze tightly shut. That piece of toast had to be eaten and fast; she wasn't about to worry the people she loved any more that night. So, with her eyes remaining closed, Lorna brought the item closer to her mouth and forced herself to take a bite of it. Right after her other hand rapidly reached for the coffee and raised it up for a sip. The mixture of coffee and toast swirled around inside her mouth, its taste bringing about a comforting sensation.
Lips naturally sprung up into a smile. Her eyes still shut, she could see her mother's sitting at the kitchen island with coffee in one hand and a beautifully crafted slice of toast in the other. She copied what Lorna had just done, biting off some of the toast and sipping the golden liquid from the mug she held right after. Stansie appeared as healthy as ever sitting on that stool having her normal weekday breakfast. Lorna missed waking up for school and going down the stairs of the Morello house to see that heartwarming sight each morning.
Her thoughtful daydream was swiftly interjected from the sound of either a spoon or fork falling to the floor, making a rather boisterous collision. The smile instantly fell into a frown as her eyes finally opened once more. It hurt to realize all of what she had only seconds earlier witnessed was only a visual hallucination of her mind. Her mother was still dead, she swallowed uneasily. There wasn't anything she could do to change that. No amount of thoughts or prayers or visualizations could magically bring her back. Death was the one permanent thing in this world. She sighed, tilting her head down and staring onto the pattern of the wood.
"Wow kid, ya ate half a the toast," Nicky gently commented, an impressed smile on her face. She wrapped an arm around Lorna's shoulder and gave her a tender squeeze. "Good job, babe. That's impressive for you."
The comment was certainly meant in good nature Lorna mentally took note of but a part of her felt rather uneasy hearing it. She looked onto her plate to see and realized she indeed had eaten half of the toast slice. Her frown only grew a bit more. She should have been pleased with herself for consuming that amount but deep down she was disgusted. That half piece of toast now whirled about in her stomach, its calories being absorbed and soon they would be aiding in her body's weight gain.
Despite the disdain, Lorna forced her frown to morph into a smile as she lifted her head to return Nicky's stare. "Erm thanks, hon. The coffee helps make it easier to eat, I guess." Shoulders bounced up concurrently while she spoke. Eyes gradually averted onto her girlfriend's plate which only had a quarter of the toast left sitting on it. "Do ya like it dipped in the coffee?"
The apprehension did not go unnoticed. Nicky squeezed her lovingly before releasing her grasp and settling for holding one of Lorna's hands instead. It was soon lifted up to her mouth where a delicate kiss was pressed onto each and every one of Lorna's knuckles. "Yes, I never thought coffee could make toast taste so good but damn have I been proven wrong today. That's one heck of a flavor, kid. Your Nonna was one smart lady, yeah?"
A more genuine smile shaped on Lorna's face now. Her head bobbed up and down in a slightly enthusiastic manner. "She really was, and so was my mom. I wish they were still alive so you could meet them. My mom would be real happy to know I've finally made a friend who isn't just tryna use me for some reason or another…at least that's what she always said. And I think she'd be even happier to know you're my girlfriend, too. Cause' ya got such a kind heart, Nicky. Mom woulda liked to meet ya. But now she never will and I'm so mad. It just ain't fair and I can't change it. I wish I could make her live again…I'd do anything to have that chance. Anything."
Nicky frowned hearing the blatant despair inflecting through Lorna's voice. Her hand squeezed tighter around the one she held and gradually she brought it closer to her, placing it softly onto her chest. She held it there with hers covering over the top of it, brushing her fingers softly along its flesh. Eyes peered softly into Lorna's, reading them with as much accuracy as possible. The amount of desolation observed encouraged her other hand to frame affectionately around her pale cheek. Fingertips soothingly caressed along the length of it.
"I understand how hard it is for ya without her, doll. And I'm so sorry you had to lose her. I wish, too, that she could be alive again but unfortunately we can't travel back in time to change any of the events from happening," her voice softly murmured. A sigh following directly after; fingers stroked comforting circles around the flesh of Lorna's cheek.
It was just past nine in the evening on a Tuesday late in the fall when Stansie Morello had settled onto the recliner in the living room after having tucked in her youngest for the night. A mug of tea rested in one hand while the other held a book her eyes were busy looking into, reading each word effortlessly. She sipped the tea sporadically as she read. One of her favorite ways to spend her evenings after a long day of work and wrangling her three rowdy children.
However, her peaceful endeavor was rapidly halted from the loud slamming of the front door only a few moments after having gotten settled in with her book and tea. Air defeatedly escaped out of her windpipe. She didn't even need to look up to know it was her drunken husband who had entered through that damn door. Quickly, and with a high volume of resistiveness, Stansie set her mug down on a coaster on the end-table beside the recliner and then placed the book right next to it.
Arms folded displeasingly over her chest while her eyes narrowed on her husband's figure. His rather unsteady figure she took note of from how his body ever-so-lightly swayed from one side to the other. "Could ya not slam the damn door next time? Lorna's asleep and I would appreciate if ya didn't wake her with all your damn inconsiderate behavior," the words fumbled bitterly from her mouth; her stare heating up with each one she spoke. She shook her head to observe how dilated Joe's eyes were. His alcohol consumption only worsened by the day she sadly concluded.
"How much did ya have to drink, Joe? Ya look fuckin' trashed. Why are ya drivin' when you're so damn drunk? Are ya tryna end up dead or killin' someone else?"
The interrogation hadn't gone over well with Mr. Morello. He walked—rather wobbled—his way closer to Stansie and once he was within touching distance, grabbed harshly at one of her shoulders. To stable himself, he placed his other hand roughly on Stansie's other shoulder. His intoxicated brown eyes glared intensely into Stansie's blue ones. "Who the fuck are you to question my choices? I'm a grown ass man, Stansie, and I can drink if I fuckin' wanna. And after you tried to fuckin' get my brotha in trouble with the damn cops I have a fine damn reason to do so. Now ya hush up and leave me alone."
Anger seized through each of Stansie's veins. Regret was a sure understatement to how she felt with her decision to marry Joe Morello all those years earlier. If she could press a button and erase the two of them ever meeting to begin with there was no hesitation in her mind that she'd slam a hand on that button in a heart-beat. She reached her own hands up and forced Joe's off of her shoulders. Instead she rearranged them so hers were digging into the blades of his own.
"A grown ass man, are ya?" Venom oozed through her voice. Hands grasped fiercer on his shoulders. Eyes not once faltering from his. "Grown ass men don't fuckin' spend the entire day sittin' at bars getting wasted and driving home at an illegal alcohol limit, do they?" Her mouth became dry from the intensifying anger spilling out of her; she took a moment to breathe before continuing on with her rage-driven rant. "I really don't fuckin' need a call in the middle a the damn night from an officer tellin' me my idiot drunk husband fuckin' murdered someone from driving under the damn influence, Giuseppe. Do ya fuckin' have any regard for our kids or me? Clearly not or ya wouldn't be drinkin' yourself silly."
That was all it took for Mr. Morello to lose his cool. He used his head as a means to push Stansie back against the recliner with. After he heard her slam into it, he grabbed her tea from the end-table and dumped it on her spitefully. A drunken smirk spilled across his face while watching Stansie's astonished expression etch upon her own. Before she could do anything about it, he threw the mug onto the ground and listened as it shattered into pieces.
Tears were quick to form in Stansie's eyes. The tea had cooled so it wasn't hot enough to burn her with but certainly wasn't a pleasant sensation having it dumped on her. She stood up from the recliner and looked back at her husband with unimaginable pain seeping from her blue eyes. "You've turned into a person I don't even recognize anymore, Giuseppe. You know that mug was my motha's and how much fuckin' time she put into making it. Oh I can't even fucking believe ya right now. I swear to God I'll divorce you. I mean it; I'm sicka this and I'm sicka how ya treat the kids, especially Lorna. I want ya the hell outta this house first thing tomorrow."
A menacing chuckle tumbled from Mr. Morello's throat. He shook his head. "The house is under my name. And over your dead fucking body will there be any divorce happening. Mark my words."