Happy Wednesday!
We're practically halfway through this story already, which means two things: first, that times goes by way too quickly and two, that I have to hurry up and write more of my next story because I am currently screwed lol.
I'm so grateful for all your lovely comments on this fic so far. I appreciate that you take the time to read and leave a review. You all rock.
Thanks to Christine, for being my queen beta, and to Sofi, for saying yes to all my crazy ideas.
Enjoy!
There was a tension building in his shoulders that he couldn't quite shake off. It didn't help that he was carrying three large rolls of fabric. Kurt huffed impatiently as he waited for the light to turn red so he could cross the street. He had gotten so many nasty looks on the subway as he tried to move without hitting anyone in the face. Lately he felt like he was running non-stop, rarely able to pause long enough to catch his breath.
He preferred it that way, to be honest. It meant he wasn't thinking about the mark on his wrist.
It had been a week since he saw it change colors. It had been a week of dizzying speculation. And every single day that went by, he wondered over and over again whether he had missed his chance. Whether BA was even in the city, still.
What happened when you missed your chance? Did the universe give you a second one? Or was he supposed to live the rest of his life with a yellow reminder on his skin that he had been so, so close to getting everything he had ever wanted?
He hadn't told Adam. He hadn't told Rachel or Santana. He hadn't told anyone. He had kept the mark hidden, because it felt like such a fragile thing that talking about it might finally break it. But he didn't know what to do, and as much as he tried to distract himself, when he went to bed every night, he laid awake and kept wondering.
He was lucky that he was very busy with work – between setting everything up for the musical and doing a bit of freelance work to be able to pay the bills, Kurt found that it was easier to avoid the hard stuff: it was easier to avoid talking to Adam, it was easier not spending enough time with his roommates so they wouldn't notice something was wrong, it was easier not talking to his dad on the phone, who would have read him like an open book in a matter of seconds. But he knew that he was getting to the end of his rope – he needed to do something.
He was so anxious he could barely stand himself.
He arrived at home in a flurry of fabric and found Santana and Rachel sitting at the kitchen table together, having lemonade and doing each other's nails. He propped everything against the wall and had to resist the urge to plop down onto the couch face-first.
"You look like you're ready to pass out," Rachel said absently. "Are you alright?"
"Just exhausted," he said with a sigh. He went into the kitchen and poured himself some lemonade before sitting with them.
"Are you sure?" Santana insisted, not looking away from the nail polish she was applying to Rachel's nails. "You're more than welcomed to join our girl talk time."
"I didn't know you had girl talk time," Kurt pointed out, watching them. "Half the time, you're at each other's throats."
"That's just our awesome dynamic," Santana said. "So? Spill? Hard day at work."
"Oooh, I love that blue fabric what is it for?" Rachel asked, as she turned a bit on her chair to look at the things Kurt had dropped by the door. Santana hissed at her when she moved and almost ruined the meticulous job she was doing painting little gold stars on her nails.
"A commission for a dress. I need to get more clients – until the musical opens my incomes are a mess," Kurt said, and it was just another reason to get stressed he wasn't eager to focus on. "Thank god Mercedes had me do her entire wardrobe for her tour for her and her back-up dancers, otherwise I would be homeless by now."
Rachel scoffed. "We would never let that happen to you, right, Santana?"
Santana took her time to answer. "I don't know. If he left, I would have more space for my own room. I feel like I sleep in a broom closet, except I don't have any walls."
"Oh shut up," Rachel said with an eye roll, before she turned back to Kurt. "So, what else is new? Why the long face?"
Kurt hadn't known his face was long or obvious in any other way, but it was a relief to have an excuse to talk about this. He felt the anxiety bubbling inside of him, like he had drunk too much soda too quickly and it was fizzling in his stomach. "I…" He began to say and bit his lip. He didn't know how to say this, so he simply bared his wrist, which he had kept carefully hidden for the past few days and showed it to them.
Santana immediately dropped the nail polish's brush, staining the table. "Holy shit."
Rachel's eyes went from his wrist to his face, and back again, wider than usual. "You… when? Where?"
"Last week," he said and when he saw they were about to give him hell for not telling them sooner, he hurried to add: "I'm sorry, okay? I freaked out! I didn't notice it right away and when I did I was just getting out of the shower and Adam was here and… I don't know what to do."
"So you have no idea where you might have come across him?" Santana asked.
"No clue," Kurt said sadly. "And I haven't told anyone. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. It could have been anywhere, literally. I've been all over this city in the past few days. What if he's a tourist? What if he's left New York already? How am I supposed to find him?"
"I think you're missing the whole point here," Santana said, as she stood up to grab something to clean the mess she'd made. "The whole point of someone meant to be your soulmates is that you're meant to come across them. Even if it's not right away, you're going to find him."
"Well, I'm not entirely sure that's how it works," Kurt retorted, frustrated. "I have absolutely no new information on him. All I know is that we might have been at the same coffee shop or at the same park. I don't know what he looks like. I don't know his name. I could keep waiting for him for two more days or a whole year, or a fucking decade. What if this means I'm going to have to learn how to cope with the fact that I was so, so close and yet nothing happened?"
"We never know that, Kurt," Santana said. "It's uncertain for all of us…"
"Your mark came out and it was already red, Santana, both of yours. You don't know what it's like to have to wonder. You don't know what it's like to have to wait and see what happens. You don't know what it's like to live with this," Kurt said, getting a little angry. He wasn't angry at her, not really, but at this whole situation, at the uncertainty. "I may have to live my entire life alone, waiting for him. I may have to give up on him if I don't find him. I have a good relationship with Adam, am I going to throw it away just because I may or may not run into this guy again in the next few years? What am I going to do? Put my life on hold for him? Never get married, never have children? Am I going to just give everything up for him? And you know what, I would gladly do that for him, if I could have even a little hint of when and where I would meet him again. But I can't just bet my whole life on this and come out empty handed…"
"You think what you have with Adam is good and worth risking this for?" Santana asked him, serious. "You have no idea what it feels like with your actual soulmate. Whatever you think love is, it's going to be garbage compared to the real thing…"
"You think I don't know that?" Kurt replied, voice rising without him meaning to. "You think I haven't heard that from every single person who has found their soulmate before I did? It's not that I don't want to find him, Santana. It's just… it's impossible."
Santana looked like she was ready to keep arguing with him, but then Rachel said, very softly: "No, Kurt. It's not impossible."
Kurt turned to her. "Rachel, you know I can't just scream his initials and make him appear…"
"I know that. It doesn't work like that," Rachel murmured, not looking at him. She was glancing down at her own hands. "But don't say it's impossible, Kurt. You have all the chances in the world, your entire future with him right in front of you. Don't give up on him just because you think it's too hard. Nothing is impossible – not until your mark goes black."
Kurt felt as if he had an iron fist squeezing his heart. He deflated at once and reached across the table to hold Rachel's hand, mindful of her fresh nail polish. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say…"
"I know," she interrupted with a sad smile. "I know. But you're lucky. You have all this love and excitement and happiness ahead of you and you're worrying about all the wrong things."
Kurt smiled back at her, half hopeful, half as sad as she looked. "My dad got a second mark. Carole did too. Lots of people find a second soulmate, Rach. You might…"
"No," she said firmly. "That's okay, though. Even if I do get another mark someday, that's not what matters now. What matters is that you have something precious, Kurt, a possibility. Don't put more obstacles in your way by thinking it's impossible."
He stood up and went around the table to hug her. Her pain and her longing were so clear in her voice and it was impossible not to feel heartbroken when hearing it. He couldn't imagine the kind of suffering she had to endure every single day – he had lost his mother and had lost his brother, and both had been life-altering and painful beyond words. But losing a soulmate? It had to feel like a part of you was ripped from your body, your heart torn in two, your insides split open and bleeding, forever empty.
With a heavy sigh, Santana stood up too. "If you tell anyone about this, I will have to kill you," she said, but there was none of the usual venom in her words. She put her arms around both of them and held them tight.
Rachel smiled. "That's enough, you guys. This isn't about me," she said and pulled away enough to look Kurt in the eyes. "It's about you. Time's a precious thing, Kurt. We both lost people. We both know that. Don't waste any more time second guessing yourself. Go for it."
Kurt nodded slowly. "I won't. It's just… I don't know exactly what to do."
"You will," Santana said, without a second's hesitation. "You're meant to find each other. Just let yourself be found, Kurt."
Kurt didn't know how to explain that he had been waiting for BA his whole life, before he even got a mark, when he was small enough to sit on his mother's lap and trace his father's initials on her wrist. He had been ready to be found the day he could see the initials on his own pale skin, when he was covered in slushy and feeling more alone than he had ever felt. He had been ready to be found when he was bullied and mistreated and scared and the only thing that kept him going was the idea that someone out there was perfect for him, someone out there needed him just as badly.
So he just held his friends – his family – tight and hoped for their happy ending.
The apartment was bathed only in the bright colors coming from the television screen, sounds of gunshots and dying zombies filling the silence of the night. Sam was leaning forward, as he always did when they were in a particularly tricky moment, fingers pressing on the buttons too hard and too fast. They'd had to replace the controllers on their consoles three times in the past year. But that was just how passionate Sam was about videogames.
Saturday nights looked a lot like this for them, usually. There was a half empty pizza box on the coffee table in front of them, two half-drank bottles of beer and a bag of Doritos Sam had been snacking on before the pizza arrived. It was either this or going to a bar and have a drink, but Sam liked to spend that time introducing himself to every lady he came across, hoping to see a change in his mark. It got annoying after a while. Blaine had insisted they stayed in tonight, mostly because he had the feeling Sam would be more focused on introducing guys to Blaine this time, hoping the yellow would turn orange.
But there was no use. He wouldn't even notice, because Blaine had kept his mark hidden ever since he had seen it had changed colors. He barely even looked at it when he changed the Band-Aids that covered it. He didn't want to know. He didn't want to feel the stupid swoop of hope in his stomach. He didn't want to have anything to do with it.
The past week had been difficult. Despite how determined Blaine was to not give a shit about his soulmate mark, it was nearly impossible to think of anything else. When he was in bed at night, right before he fell asleep, when he was most vulnerable, the questions he didn't have an answer to slipped into his mind and he couldn't keep the veil up, couldn't filter them: Where was KH? Was he out there, looking for him, hoping to find him? Did he believe this mark meant they belonged together? Was he going to feel this empty and this miserable and this disappointed his entire life? Should he put his hopes in this total stranger? What if he took one look at Blaine and decided, like most people in his life had, that he didn't live up to expectations? What if he took one look at Blaine and left? What if a soulmate mark only takes you so far? It was no guarantee. He could still be found lacking.
He had never been enough for anyone. What if he wasn't enough for the one person he was supposed to be perfect for?
A zombie's head had just exploded rather spectacularly after a very certain shot from Blaine when Sam suddenly paused the game. Without turning to him, he asked: "Doesn't it kill you?"
Blaine, distracted, turned to look at him. "What? No, I'm fine. He didn't bite me. And we gathered like three hundred medicine packs, we have enough for…"
"No, I'm not talking about the game," Sam said seriously, and his tone of voice was enough to tell Blaine he had been thinking about this all night long, even as they sat there blasting zombies in a fictional apocalyptic world. He threw the control down on the coffee and table and it nearly landed on a cold slice of pizza. He turned on the couch so he could actually look at Blaine. "Look, I know you've been acting like you couldn't care less about your mark this week. And I will always respect whatever you decide to do…"
"Sam, I don't want to talk about this. Can we please just keep playing?" Blaine said.
"No, please. Just let me say this and I promise I won't ever bring it up again," Sam said earnestly, and the only reason Blaine didn't get annoyed was because he could see the actual concern on his best friend's face. "I would never want you to be the kind of person who obsesses with finding their soulmate and forgets to live their own life. I really don't think it's a healthy thing to do. But I also can't understand how you would just want to ignore what's happening. So, doesn't it kill you? Knowing he's out there?" When Blaine didn't say anything, Sam groaned, a little frustrated. "Blaine, he might be looking for you. He might need you. Maybe he's feeling as alone as you've felt your entire life. Maybe the only thing that keeps him going these days is that his mark turned colors…"
"Or maybe he doesn't care," Blaine finally interrupted. "Maybe he knows as well as I do that this is all bullshit. Who says I have to fall in love with only one person? Who says I can't find someone, someone whose initials aren't on my skin, and have a happy life?"
Sam shrugged. "Sure. You can go ahead and do that if it makes you happy, Blaine. But from the moment I met you, you have barely even dated, and the few times you had guys spend the night, you looked like you hated yourself the next morning. So if you don't want the fairytale soulmate story and you don't want the casual, breezy thing, then what do you want? And I'm asking you honestly. I want to know. Because there must be something out there that you truly want and, if you do then, my friend, you have to go for it. You can't keep pushing every chance at happiness away. What are you exactly waiting for, if it isn't KH? Stop pretending you're not unhappy. Stop pretending that there's nothing you want, nothing that would fulfill you."
Blaine didn't say anything. He couldn't tell him that he didn't know what he wanted because when you got disappointed so many times, you simply stopped wanting for anything.
"Look, Blaine, I know people failed you. I know people made you stop believing, and I know it's even worse because it was your own family who let you down most of those times. I know it sucked to think you were meeting your soulmate, and it sucked that it was just some douchebag taking advantage of it, of you… but you can't let that dictate your life. You can't let that be the one thing that keeps you from finding what you want." Sam paused and patted his knee. "And that's it. I have said my piece. I would be a pretty shitty friend if I didn't say anything. I just want you to be happy, buddy. That's all."
Blaine gave him a friendly, affectionate punch on the shoulder. He felt like there was a knot in his throat. He was lucky to have found Sam. Then he looked down at this wrist, mark covered, and traced his fingers around the edge of the Band-Aid. "I don't know if I can do this. I don't think I can trust anyone again."
"Whatever happens, I'm going to be here, whether it's to be a shoulder to cry on or someone to celebrate with," Sam said with a little smile. "It's going to be fine, Blaine."
Blaine smiled back at him. "You're going to find her, you know? MJ, I mean. If someone deserves to find their soulmate, then that's definitely you."
Sam chuckled. "We'll both find them."
Blaine just kept smiling, and didn't tell him that he was equally terrified by the idea of finding KH than of not finding him at all.
The line at the coffee shop was too long and, for a moment, Blaine considered just giving up. But he'd had two auditions already and was on his way to having two more, and he needed a pick me up. He wasn't sure if he would be able to make it through them without a cup of coffee and maybe a cookie or some other treat. At this point, he didn't care that he was about to be late. His stomach was rumbling.
He also felt like one of those zombies in the videogame he and Sam had been playing all weekend, but that was unrelated to his hunger. He was tired. He had spent too many nights staring up at his ceiling, worrying about things he had no way to solve or deal with.
Just as he was finally getting to the counter, his phone began to ring. Groaning in frustration, he let the lady behind him go ahead and accepted the call. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this Blaine Anderson?" A male voice said on the other end.
"Yes, who is this?" He asked, as he eyed the muffins on display with what could only be described as longing. The scent of the coffee all around him was killing him.
"This is Adam Crawford. I'm one of the producers of Out of Town. You auditioned last week for the role of Jamie," he said with a thick English accent. "I'm calling to let you know you got the part."
Blaine was gesturing for the next person behind him to go ahead and froze, unsure whether he had heard correctly. "Wait. Are you serious?"
Adam chuckled politely. "Yes, I'm serious. We were very impressed with your audition. I think your part was the only unanimous decision we made in the whole casting process, so we're very happy to have you on board."
"That is amazing, thank you so much!" Blaine exclaimed excitedly, though at the same time he was doing his best to remember exactly which audition this was. He went to around a dozen auditions every week, sometimes twice that. It was hard keeping track of all of them.
"I'll be emailing you our schedule for the first few rehearsals, and we're all getting together later this week so the whole company can get to know each other," Adam explained. "So I just want to confirm your email address, if you don't mind."
Blaine nodded along as Adam read it back to him, feeling like he was having an out of body experience. "I'm very grateful for the opportunity. I'm really looking forward to this. Thank you," he said.
Blaine was so euphoric when they finally hung up that he forgot exactly why he had come into this coffee shop. He no longer needed the caffeine. He practically ran out to the street. This was the best thing that had happened to him in a very long time.
He knew Sam was nearby, having a photoshoot, so he went there, wanting to share this news with him first. Even if this wasn't a lead on a big Broadway show with a cast full of stars, it was a wonderful beginning, and he couldn't wait. This was what he had come to the city for. This was the one thing that he had always been able to rely on – his dreams, his ambitions, his talent. He wasn't going to let it go to waste.
He couldn't wait for this part to change his life.
Cooking was probably one of the activities that relaxed Kurt the most, and lately he had truly needed ways to relax. So far he had baked three batches of cookies, one particularly gooey brownie and a cheesecake from scratch that still wasn't as good as it could be, but he was working on it. Both Rachel and Santana wished he could calm down already, but they also secretly loved that they didn't need to help out with the cooking. It wasn't exactly a win-win situation, because Kurt wasn't an easy person when he was going through something, but they were grateful for the food that they hadn't moved a finger to make.
Tonight, it felt like a comfort-food kind of night, so he was making mac and cheese. It didn't require much of his attention, so while he was stirring it to make sure it didn't stick, he was scrolling through Instagram.
There was nothing more depressing than staring at other people's social media picture-perfect lives. Even if he knew that, in reality, everyone's lives were more complicated, that they didn't share the most honest pictures, it still brought him down a bit.
In the background, he could hear snippets of the reality show Santana and Rachel were watching and discussing. Kurt usually liked to participate, but lately it hadn't held his attention as much as he needed it to. So here he was, standing at the stove, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling and stirring, stirring, stirring.
Just as he was about to like a picture Mercedes had posted of her tour, a notification filled the top part of his screen. Adam was sending out the finalized cast list. Kurt couldn't help but smile – it was nice to see their little project take steps forward. There was still a lot to do, but they had all worked so hard to see it come alive, and they were closer and closer every day.
He opened it as he blew on the wooden spoon so he could taste the sauce and see if it needed more salt and pepper. His eyes scanned the list and he dropped the spoon on the counter, rather noisily, splashing cheese sauce everywhere.
Right there, at the top of the list, next to the main character's name said Blaine Anderson.
BA.
He felt his heart pounding, which he knew was ridiculous. It was ridiculous. Just because this guy had the same initials… it didn't mean anything, right? And as he glanced at the list again, he realized there was someone else – for the role of Matthew, they had cast a Billy Ávila. Another BA.
Maybe… just maybe…
"Girls!" He exclaimed. "Girls, come look at this!"
There must have been a lot of urgency in his voice because they were by his side in a matter of seconds.
"What?" Rachel asked, worried.
"Adam just sent me the cast list," Kurt said faintly.
"And why is that getting your panties in a twist?" Santana frowned at him.
"Billy Ávila," he muttered. "Blaine Anderson."
Santana blinked at him dumbly for a second before her eyes widened. "Wait. Are you saying…?"
"I don't know!" He said, his voice higher than usual. "Maybe! I mean, all I know is that my mark changed colors the day of the audition. I noticed it that very same night. So what if…?"
"Oh god, this is so exciting," Rachel said, clapping and bouncing a bit on her spot. "Kurt, do you realize what this means? Your soulmate might be a total Broadway dreamboat. You two can duet and dance and…"
"What if it's not either of them?" Kurt interrupted. He could feel himself freak out. "What if this is just a big coincidence?"
Santana shrugged. "You won't know until you meet them and check your mark."
Kurt let out a shuddering breath. Ever since he had discovered his mark was yellow, he had felt like he was balancing right on the edge of something wonderful, but the fall was still too long, still too dangerous, still too far away. It was the first time he felt like he had a chance, and he hadn't realized how much he needed one until this very moment.
It was the very first time that he felt like finding BA wasn't the hardest thing he would have to do.
"We have a company meeting later this week," he said softly. "I guess I'll know then."
"That's good," Santana said. "I bet it's been a long wait. It'll be nice to finally find what you've wanted all these years."
"We'll see," he murmured and turned back to the mac and cheese to check it hadn't burned. "Could you… would you guys mind keeping an eye on dinner? I think I need to call my dad."
"Sure, go ahead," Rachel said, giving his hand a quick squeeze.
Kurt left them in the kitchen went into his room. Not for the first time he wished he had a door he could lock, an actual bedroom with walls where he could hide, where he would be sure he had all the privacy he needed. He trusted Rachel and Santana with his life, but he wanted to talk to his father, and that was a precious thing, something he didn't feel like sharing.
He sat on the edge of his bed as he waited for him to pick up. There was a lose thread on his duvet. He picked at it distractedly, over and over again, until it came loose.
"Hello?"
"Hey dad," Kurt murmured softly. "How are you?"
"I'm good, Kurt. Carole just came home from work so we're about to sit down for dinner. Can I call you back afterwards?" Burt asked, and there were noises in the background, the clicking of cutlery being placed on the table, plates being grabbed from the stack in the cabinets. If Kurt closed his eyes, he could pretend he was home.
"Actually…" Kurt said. He exhaled very slowly. "I know it's not a good time, but I really need to talk to you."
There was a small pause. "Of course," Burt said quietly, before turning to his wife. "Carole, can you slip the food back in the oven to keep it warm? I need to talk to Kurt for a bit."
Kurt heard Carole's response in the background, very far away, like his father was walking out of the kitchen. He could picture him going to sit down on the brown leather armchair in the living room, the one that had belonged to Finn's father.
"What's wrong, Kurt?" His father asked.
Just the question by itself made the tension in Kurt's shoulders dissipate a bit. He somehow knew everything was going to be alright, because his father was on his side, always, because he was supportive beyond everything, because he always had his back. Because his father always made the world a better place for him.
Before he even realized what he was doing, he was spilling everything. He was telling his father about noticing his mark had changed when there was no way to do anything about it, about not having told anyone until he had to share it with Santana and Rachel a few days ago as not to go insane, about the cast list that now showed him an inkling of hope.
Burt listened patiently until Kurt had to stop and breathe. Only then did he say: "Kurt, everything's going to be alright."
From anyone else, it would have been an empty promise, nothing but a cliché meant to stop him from freaking out any further. But coming from Burt, it was the right kind of reassurance.
"It's very probable that one of those boys is the one you're looking for," Burt continued calmly. "You'll know very soon. But while you wait to figure out whether one of them is the BA you've been waiting for, don't forget to take care of yourself. Don't stress out, don't freak out. The beautiful thing about this whole soulmate thing is that everything happens exactly when it's supposed to. So if neither of them is your BA, then it doesn't mean you won't find him. It simply means that you both still need to focus on other things before you get together."
"Okay," Kurt said in an exhale.
"And I don't know if you're going to like this, but…" Burt started and Kurt braced himself for it. Whatever his dad was going to say was probably going to be the right thing, but it didn't always mean it was the easiest thing to hear. "Even if you're not sure yet whether BA is one of those boys, I think you need to talk to Adam."
Yup, Kurt thought bitterly. Exactly what he had thought. "I know. I know I have to."
"He deserves to know your mark changed. He deserves to know things might be about to change as well. Don't blindside him with this," Burt said in a serious but kind tone. "He's been good to you, Kurt. He deserves better."
"Yes, he does," Kurt agreed softly. "Thanks, dad. You always know exactly what to say."
"Will you call me as soon as you know for sure?" Burt asked him, and how was Kurt going to say no to that.
"You'll be the first to know," Kurt smiled into the phone.
All he had to do now was wait, but at least this time he knew exactly what he was waiting for.
Their favorite restaurant was in the middle of the theatre district. Sometimes they sat by the window and they watched the people come out of whatever plays and musicals they had seen, chatting excitedly, still reeling from what they had experienced, and wondered when they would make it big enough to present something in one of those legendary theatres.
Kurt arrived first – Adam had texted him on the way to let him know he was running a little late, because his meeting with the choreographer had run longer than expected. Kurt didn't mind, texted him back saying he would be waiting for him, but deep down inside he felt so tense and so nervous that he was about to jump out of his own skin.
He knew that, logically, Adam wouldn't be mad. After all, they'd made a deal that if any of them found their soulmates, they would split up without any hard feelings. But one thing was making plans for it and the other was Kurt actually finding his soulmate amongst the cast for their project together.
Although there was no certainty that Billy or Blaine was his soulmate, Kurt thought there was a pretty high chance. And, even if it all fizzled out and nothing happened after their company meeting in a couple of days, then he still owed Adam the truth: his mark had changed colors and he had been hiding it from him. He didn't feel good about it.
When the waiter came to his table, he told him he was waiting for someone else and asked only for a glass of water. His mouth felt dry. He wasn't sure how to get the words out when it was this dry…
Kurt had felt a lot more reassured after talking things through with his dad, but now that he was about to talk to Adam – about to break up with him? That still wasn't clear – he felt like all the confidence he'd had that he was doing the right thing was failing him.
He kept going back and forth, and he was nearly causing himself to be dizzy at this point.
Adam arrived about twenty minutes later, when Kurt had already downed two large glasses of water. He was smiling, which meant he'd had a satisfying meeting.
"Hey, sorry I kept you waiting," he said, as he leaned in to kiss his cheek before he sat down across from him. He immediately reached for a breadstick from the basket the waiter had brought Kurt a few minutes ago. "I'm starving. Have you ordered? I think I'll go for the steak today, I'm feeling very positive about many things…"
Kurt couldn't even think about food. He cleared his throat. "So, everything went well with Jonathan, then?"
"Oh, yes, yes splendid," Adam smiled. "He totally understands our vision and he has great ideas for how to make the dance tell the story on its own, so it's going to be beautiful once it's all paired up."
"That's good," Kurt murmured absently.
Adam frowned slightly as he regarded Kurt. "Are you alright? I thought you'd be excited too."
"Of course I am, it's not that, I've just…" Kurt babbled with certain difficulty. But before he could put his thoughts in order, the waiter stopped by their table.
They came often enough to know the menu by heart, so they ordered – although Kurt wasn't sure exactly what he was about to eat because there was a buzzing in his head.
When they were alone again, Adam reached across the table to grab his hands in his own and he smiled encouragingly. "What's wrong?"
Instead of answering, Kurt took a deep breath and turned his hand so Adam could see the inside of his wrist.
At first, it looked like he didn't notice anything different. But then he paused. "Oh," he murmured. "Wow."
"Yes," Kurt said. There was a knot somewhere in his stomach. "It happened a few days ago but I wasn't sure how to tell you. Because it's only yellow – I haven't crossed paths with him again since, not that I know of at least, and who knows how long this could go on?"
Adam gave his hands a quick squeeze before he let go. "When did this happen?"
"I realized it had changed the night after we had the auditions," Kurt explained carefully. "I started freaking out, which is why I didn't tell you. I didn't tell anyone, actually. Not until a couple of days ago, when I talked to the girls and then I talked to my dad and… I'm sorry for not coming clean about this sooner. I had no idea what to do."
"I understand," Adam said quietly. "Must have been quite a shock."
"I'm really sorry, Adam…"
"Hey, hey," Adam smiled at him, reassuring. "It's okay. It really is. We both know we don't belong together, Kurt. I mean, I could have been happy with you for the rest of my days, but… we both deserve to find the perfect guy, don't we? It's your turn now."
"You are… god, you're too good to me," Kurt said, as relief washed over him. "Thank you. But there's something else you should know…"
"What is it?" Adam asked.
"I think…" Kurt said carefully. "I think you may have cast him. For the show, I mean."
"Bloody hell…" Adam whispered, eyes wide, sitting back. "Blaine Anderson?"
"Yes," Kurt nodded. "Or Billy Ávila. I'm not sure, of course, but there's a chance. It happened the day we held the auditions, and I didn't actually meet either of them. I don't think I was there for their auditions."
"No, I think they both happened while you were on a coffee run," Adam said. "Wow. This truly blows my mind, Kurt. That's… crazy, isn't it?"
"Well, that's how this whole soulmate thing works, so," Kurt shrugged. The tension had eased up a bit. "I don't want to make things awkward for you, though. If he's actually in the cast…"
"That doesn't matter. It changes nothing, Kurt," Adam reassured him at once. "I mean, sure, it sucks that we won't be able to be together anymore, but… we both knew this would happen, someday."
"I don't even know for sure," Kurt said, tiredly, running his hand down his face. "This might all be a false alarm. Maybe I ran into him when I went out for coffee, or literally anywhere else and this is all just a coincidence…"
"You're still freaking out, aren't you?" Adam said with a knowing little smirk.
Kurt groaned in frustration. "I've waited for this my whole life. I'm sick of the uncertainty. I'm sick of never knowing when I might meet him. And I would hate for him to be this close, for us to finally have this chance, and somehow something going wrong…"
"It's meant to happen, Kurt," Adam said calmly. "That's the whole point of this. It's meant to happen. So just… take this one step at a time. See if your mark reacts to one of them. And then take it from there."
Kurt couldn't stop himself. He stood up and went around the table to pull Adam into a hug. "Thank you. You're seriously the best."
"Well, I try," Adam murmured, making Kurt chuckle. "It's going to be okay, you'll see. I hope you find him soon."
"Me too," Kurt whispered, and the longing for this one person he had never even met grew so strong inside of him, that he could barely breathe.
Their food arrived right then, and they both sat back down to eat. Despite what had just happened, they chatted and laughed like they always did. Adam had been a good boyfriend – Kurt had been lucky to have him by his side.
He hoped he still had some luck in him, to carry him through the next part.
The elevator seemed to be the slowest in history. Blaine watched the numbers go down, down, down, until it finally reached him. The doors opened before him and he got in. He pressed the button for the seventh floor. He had been here before, but he felt as if everything was brand new – maybe because this was the very first time he felt like he was within reach of what he truly wanted.
This was where he had come to audition, not expecting much from it because, honestly, whenever he expected something he came out disappointed. But he had been going to auditions almost automatically lately and sometimes he'd had to wonder if he was starting to lose the passion for it just because he couldn't get someone to believe in what he could offer. But here he was now, on his way to meet the rest of the cast and crew, having gotten the leading part. He felt like all the time, the effort and the love he had put into making a career in the theatre was finally starting to pay off.
He wasn't naïve, though. He knew there was still a very long road ahead. He knew this wasn't a big production with a huge budget – they weren't going to get twelve Tony nominations and an epic run. But it was a good start, and he was eager for it.
He could hear everyone's voices before he even stepped out of the elevator. There was a general excited murmuring and when the doors opened, he saw the door to the large audition room was open, music was pouring out of it, and over twenty people stood there, laughing and chatting. He thought he recognized a few of the faces – he had seen some of these people in line the day he auditioned. The enthusiasm seemed to be floating in the air, it was evident from the moment he walked in. everyone was happy to be here – they didn't know if it was going to be special yet, they just knew they finally, finally had a shot, that they finally, finally were given an opportunity to show what they could do.
Sometimes that was worth more than anything.
Before he could figure out a way to join them and introduce himself, someone was patting his back.
"Here he is!" The man said. "This is our leading man!"
Blaine felt himself blushing as the director (Milton, if he remembered correctly) threw an arm around his shoulders. "Oh, hi," he said quietly, waving at everyone who had turned to look at him.
"We're very glad that you're here," Milton said with a big grin. His hair was so blonde it was almost white. Blaine wondered if it was his actual hair color or if it was dyed. He also wondered why he was thinking about that right now. "We were blown away by your audition."
"Thank you," Blaine replied sincerely. "I can't tell you how happy I am to be here."
"Blaine, hi!" A girl said, standing right in front of him so suddenly that he, for a second, believed she had materialized out of thin air. She had such a bright smile and instantly recognizable perky personality that Blaine couldn't help but stay frozen as she talked a mile a minute: "It's so good to get to know you, at last. I'm Stacy. I'm going to be playing Lola, you know, your love interest. I'm so happy and relieved that they have cast someone so cute! It's going to make my job so much easier. Where have you studied? We should compare notes to make sure we're always in perfect sync. The audience needs to believe we're real lovers. Maybe we should go out some day and have a drink and get to know each other better. For the show, you know? Sacrifices need to be made," she said with a little wink, before she added. "Unless you have a girlfriend?"
Blaine felt like he was the one who was breathless even though he hadn't said a single word. She looked completely unfazed, eyebrows rising slightly, expecting his answer. All Blaine could do was point at himself. "Gay, very gay. Also single."
"Well, that's good too!" She exclaimed. "Now I won't have to feel threatened if we happen to have any scenes that are hot and heavy. I can trust you to be completely professional. We will probably have to work on our chemistry. Although I've heard you're a terrific performer, so maybe we won't have problems at all making everyone believe we love each other! So, where did you go to school?"
Milton patted Blaine's shoulder and said: "I'm going to let you guys get acquainted. I need to find Adam and get this thing truly started. Excuse me."
Blaine was almost sad to see him go. He had been expecting he would intercede and get Stacy to stop. She was very, very intense. Scarily so.
"Milton is wonderful, don't you think?" She said, as she threaded her arm through his to guide him further into the party. "I've been talking to him a bit earlier, and his vision for this show… oh, it's wonderful. Truly wonderful."
Blaine started paying a little less attention to Stacy's blabbering as a few people waved at him in greeting. He accepted a drink from an incredibly tall and muscular man who looked like he could crush him with just his hand, but had kind eyes. He glanced around the room, trying to memorize some faces, hoping to learn all their names quickly. Stacy kept rattling them off easily, as if she had learned them all by heart or as if she had attended some secret meeting before this one that Blaine hadn't even been invited to.
It made him feel like everyone was part of a club that Blaine hadn't even heard of before.
"And that's Oscar, one of the writers and producers, of course," she said, pointing at one of the three guys who had been at the audition. "He and Adam are like, the masterminds behind this whole thing. I heard they've been working on it since college… oh, there's Adam!"
Blaine followed her finger and saw she was pointing at a handsome blonde man, who he also remembered from his audition. But he wasn't alone. He had arrived with another man who looked vaguely familiar as well. The first thing Blaine noticed about him was the color of his eyes, a shade of blue he had never seen before… or were they green? They seemed to change with the light. He was so beautiful Blaine felt his heart stuttering. He bumped his chest lightly, as if that would make his heart behave.
"That's the costume designer," Stacy said. "I've heard he and Adam have been together for years. They're a really cute couple, don't you think? His name is Kurt Hummel."
Blaine stopped walking so suddenly that he almost made her trip and fall face-first. Kurt Hummel. Kurt Hummel.
KH.
But there was no way, right? If Adam Crawford had been with him for a long time now, that had to mean they were each other's soulmates. They looked truly right together, two very handsome men who could have been modeling for wedding tuxes or even underwear ads. There was something about them, some sort of comfort and ease, that you probably didn't have with another person unless you belonged with them.
Stacy kept going as if nothing had happened. "Oh, and that one over there is Martha, she plays my grandmother…"
Blaine forced himself to look away from the couple by the door – Adam had just moved in to give Kurt a quick and clearly heartfelt hug, and he seemed to be whispering something into his ear – and keep up with Stacy's rapid-fire introductions.
The universe liked to mock him. It shouldn't have been a surprise.
"These hors d'oeuvres are awful. Who the hell picked them? I'm going to be in charge of catering from now on. I can't believe this is our first time together as a company and this is what we serve?"
Adam smiled in what seemed to be an indulgent way. "I think Milton's mom made them, Kurt. We don't exactly have the budget for a first rate catering service."
"Well, it tastes like barf," Kurt said, and he knew he was being kind of a bitch, but he couldn't quite stop.
"You're still eating it…" Adam pointed out.
Kurt put the napkin with the hors d'oeuvres back down on the table with too much force, crushing one of them to nothing but crumbs. "I'm stress eating them, Adam."
"I know, babe," Adam reached and squeezed his shoulder. "I've noticed. But if you don't like the hors d'oeuvres, just stop shouting about how awful they are or we're going to have a problem with our director…"
Kurt hadn't realized that he had been slowly raising his voice. He glanced around apologetically. "Great, now everyone will think I'm impossible to work with or…"
"Stop overthinking already," Adam said. "Look, I have to go mingle a bit. But I can see both Billy and Blaine are around, so… why don't you go introduce yourself, see what happens?"
Kurt turned to look at Adam so quickly it almost gave him whiplash. "Wait. You're… you're not coming with me?"
Adam's smile turned a little softer and a little sadder. "Kurt, I'm more than happy for you to get to be with your soulmate, for you to find the person you belong with, and I'm here for you for anything you need…. But I'm still your ex-boyfriend. We just broke up."
Kurt sighed. He felt like an idiot. "You're right. I'm sorry. That was totally out of line. I just… I'm scared."
Adam squeezed his shoulder one more time and it seemed like there was other ways in which he wanted to comfort him, but they were not an option anymore. "You'll be fine. I have no doubts about that. Now, go, and come find me later to tell me how it went."
He walked away before Kurt could say anything else. He felt awful about trying to get Adam involved in this – it was almost like rubbing it in his face and, after how gracious he had been about the whole thing, he deserved so much better. So he let him go and then looked around the room at all the people gathered there. He decided he wasn't going to change anything by standing by himself next to the snacks, so he pulled away from the table and was determined to introduce himself to everyone else.
He started making the rounds. Hoping it would help him settle his nerves a bit, he started with some of the girls they had casted for the minor parts and Martha, who played Lola's grandmother and had been Kurt's favorite audition, so he gushed a bit about it to her.
Eventually, though, he couldn't keep avoiding every other man in the room, so he made his way to introduce himself to some of the male cast. He approached the first group who had migrated towards the snack table where Kurt had just been not too long ago.
The first guy he saw was incredibly tall and muscular. His arms were bigger than Kurt's head. Kurt had to look up, up, up in order to look at his face, which was a very handsome one. He was the only one in the group that Kurt didn't know – he had been at the auditions for the rest of them.
"Hi," he said, rather timidly. "I'm Kurt. I'm the costume designer."
Everyone introduced themselves – Mark, Louis and Jake – before it was the tall man's turn.
"Hey dude," he said and he practically crushed Kurt's fingers when he shook his hand. "Nice to meet you. I'm Billy."
If anyone noticed Kurt's little gasp, they either pretended they hadn't or assumed it was because he would need surgery in order for the bones of his hand to ever recover. This was Billy. Billy Ávila.
There was no subtle way to look at his wrist without anyone knowing exactly what he was doing, so he tried to play it cool. There was something… well, there was no other way to put it: there was something extremely heterosexual about this guy. If he was Kurt's soulmate then the universe was playing the cruelest prank in history.
"Nice to meet you all," he said, a little choked. "So, are you guys excited about getting to work?"
He chatted for a bit with them, only half-listening to their answers, until he was sure no one was paying enough attention and he glanced down – his wrist remained the same, the mark yellow, unchanged.
It was sort of a relief that Billy wasn't his soulmate.
But this meant there was still another possibility in this very room.
He needed to find Blaine Anderson.
As soon as it was possible, he excused himself and walked around, trying to find him. His heart was pounding so loudly, he was sure it was drowning out the music playing in the background. His hands were sweaty, which he hated, and he felt as if everyone was watching him, which he knew was ridiculous, but he couldn't help feeling that way.
And then… there he was. All the way across the room. It was as if Kurt suddenly had tunnel vision – all the people standing between them seemed to become blurry, and Blaine was the only clear thing he could see. He was even looking his way – all Kurt could see was the back of his head, the dark slicked back hair, the perfect fit of the brown blazer he was wearing, how it hugged his shoulders as if it had been made for him. He was talking to Stacy, the girl who would be playing Lola. She was alright, but she was an even more intense version of Rachel, so Kurt was determined to not deal with her if he could avoid it.
And then Blaine laughed – the sound reaching him despite the music and the chatter all around him, and Kurt's skin rose in goosebumps. It was a beautiful laugh.
He started towards him, as if in a trance.
Kurt was only about five feet away from him when a phone started ringing. Blaine began to pat his pockets until he found it.
"Hello?" He said. Kurt stood frozen. He really liked his voice. "Wait, wait, Sam, slow down. I don't understand a word… what do you mean our apartment is flooded? Have you called…? Okay, okay, stop freaking out. It can't be that bad… well, pick it up and it won't get wet! Alright, you know what? I'm coming, just hang in there for a bit."
Blaine moved too quickly for Kurt to catch up with him. One second he was standing so close Kurt could have lifted his hand and touched him and, the next, he was intercepting Oscar, who was passing by, and explaining something in a very hush tone. Then he was gone, and Kurt stood there feeling a little numb.
Apparently Blaine lived with someone named Sam. Was that a boyfriend or girlfriend? Maybe Blaine wasn't his soulmate, after all… although he had been dating Adam until a few days ago, so that didn't have to mean anything…
Oh what a mess this was.
His stomach churned a bit. He had been so, so close to knowing for sure…
The hope that had been residing in his chest, hiding underneath the nerves, seemed to fizzle out. He sighed heavily. He would have to keep wondering.
Everything was going to fall into place exactly when it was meant to, he told himself. If Blaine Anderson was the puzzle piece he missed, then he would know soon.
But sometimes soon seemed like it was awfully far away.
SO CLOSE.
Maybe next chapter? You'll have to come back next Wednesday and see ;)
Have a great week!
L.-