Chapter 3: He's Come to Get Me
Friday was the day when everything changed.
Connor and Evan had been official friends for exactly four and a half days. During this time, a routine was established. They greeted each other in the hallways, chatted in between classes, and spent time in the library during their free period. They sat at the same lunch table in a corner, which was not such a lonely corner anymore. They ate lunch together and traded funny stories. After the day was over, they would find themselves heading to The Boulder. It has become their usual hangout. They would sit there side by side, sometimes in silence just looking out into the South Basin for minutes on end, sometimes talking about nature, and sometimes talking about things at home and philosophies on life. The more time they spent at The Boulder, the more they understood each other's boundaries. When they talked about the darker subjects, they knew not to test the limits with one another. This was because they somehow knew where to draw the line. It was peculiar friendship – almost intuitive or strangely telepathic. The silence became a mutual understanding between the boys. They just wanted to be quiet but in each other's company.
Their conversations at The Boulder were very different than the conversations at the cafeteria. It was two different scenes. At the cafeteria, the subject was very watered down and generalized. It mostly revolved around trivial subjects about school and other activities. Perhaps they subconsciously didn't discuss matters closer to the heart because they never knew who was listening in the cafeteria. It was like as if they just understood. At The Boulder, it was something darker and deeper. Whatever they discussed was just between themselves.
Over the course of four days, they've spent their afternoons after school at The Boulder. There was nothing they couldn't discuss, with the exception of suicide. For some reason, that was the one subject neither one wanted to open up to completely. Maybe they were afraid of what they might find out about each other. With a giant bag of Doritos between them, they munched and shared stories and got a glimpse into their lives outside of school.
Connor told old memories about his family like the time he and his dad were playing with a toy plane at the orchard and they accidentally flew it into the creek. He spoke of the way his relationship with his parents soured. He expressed how distant he became with his sister Zoe. He lamented on how much he wanted to be a part of the family again but didn't know where to begin. He feared it may be too late. He didn't give detailed stories on what happened while in rehab, but he did contributed what he felt was comfortable. He confessed how life had made him an angry and bitter person for a long time, and how no one understood him. His main escape from the world was books. He mentioned all the great books he's ever read and that his favorite was The Little Prince, because he was a lot like the title character – both searching for a better place. Connor revealed that he was quite the artist and even kept a sketch book, which he boosted that he'd like to show Evan sometime if he would be interested – and to that, Evan said he would like very much.
Evan hesitantly told Connor about his severe anxiety and the panic attacks and all the symptoms that came with it. He explained about his prescription drugs Lexapro and Ativan, what each did for him, and having his Ativan pills on-hand everywhere he went. He mentioned briefly about having to see a therapist, Dr. Sherman, and what that was like. He opted out of discussing the letter to himself assignment, which he didn't feel like bringing up. He gave Connor a little summary of his family – being the product of divorced parents, living with his overworked mother who was trying to make ends meet and therefore never around, his heedless father who got himself a brand new family in Colorado and didn't really give a rat's ass about the family he'd left behind. He was honest about not having many friends and how awkward he felt at school. He liked learning, but interaction with people made him nervous. He kept his qualms about feeling unimportant and invisible to himself. It wasn't because he didn't trust Connor, it was more so that he didn't trust himself. He also admitted that he was an avid reader and passed a lot of time in the library. With that, he reluctantly added that he was a pretty good writer and that he won 3rd place in a national short story contest once. He shared that his job at Ellison State Park was probably the best thing that ever happened to him.
One would even go as far as to say they were a positive influence on each other. The more they talked, the more they realized they had so much commonality that it was almost like looking into a mirror. They found it a real oddity that they hadn't been friends earlier. They seemed to understand each other on a whole new level that no one else did. The hangout at The Boulder became the highlight of the day. It was a place where they could really take a breath and allow the problems to melt away. With that, Connor even tried really hard to not get thrown in detention. He was on his best behavior (or at least if he was going to do something bad, he was not going to get caught). And Evan did his best to stay positive and focused. And maybe, just maybe by the end of the week, he would have something honest and positive to hand in to Dr. Sherman.
Unbeknown to Connor and Evan, their sitting together at the same lunch table for that many days in a row did raise a few curious eyebrows by the bored jocks at the popular table. Apparently, they noticed everything that went on in the school. Connor's opinion of them was that they were nosier than a group of old hens in a chicken coop. It wasn't Evan that they were suddenly noticing, because Evan was invisible. They were interested in Connor and why he was suddenly so chummy with a loser. Connor was, after all, the school criminal and all time "bad seed". Connor was a psychopath, a rebel and a delinquent – that was their impression as far as rumors went. It naturally peaked their curiosity. For the most part, Connor was aware of their assumptions, but he ignored them because he knew they wouldn't dare say anything to him. They were too intimidated by the rumors of his wildness and lack of regard for authority.
After first period gym class on Friday, the boy's locker room was filled with a rowdy mess of adrenaline, testosterone, and movement. The air was lined with the familiar musty smell of sweat as steam and humidity emanated from the running showers. It was loud and noisy with a mixture of voices, laughter, and echoes of locker doors opening and closing as the boys freshened up and changed out of their gym clothes. Eventually, most of the boys had finished up and left the locker room, save a handful.
Evan sat at the bench in front of his gym locker tying his shoelace. He didn't shower, but then again he didn't need to because all he did during gym was sit on the sidelines – all thanks to his broken arm. Perhaps a broken arm came with slight advantages. Although he was exempt from any physical activity during gym, he was still obligated to show up in proper gym clothing. It was one of the rules of gym participation. But he found it most inconvenient because it was a slow process due to his cast getting in the way. It took him longer to get his clothes on and took forever to tie his shoelaces. So, by the time he was done, he was nearly the last one out. Just as he finally finished, he couldn't help but overhear voices coming from the other side of the row of lockers.
"Did you see that freak at lunch yesterday?" The first boy said, with no intension of keeping his voice down.
"Yea, I noticed. He's been sitting at that same table all week, with that nobody. You know, that weird nobody that always used to sit there by himself, the one that looks like he's got major mental problems going on." A second boy laughed. "I wonder what that's all about."
"I don't know, maybe someone put a hit on the nobody and hired the freak. I heard he has a record at the police station." A third boy joked, with random silliness.
"That's a stupid idea. Like who would want to knock off a total loser? There would be no reason." The second boy replied.
"Well, but if he was a loser, wouldn't whoever hired him be doing the world a favor?" The third boy challenged.
"You're both wrong." The first boy reprimanded. "I think the freak just feels sorry the loser who has no friends."
"They seemed to get along – laughing and all. I've seen it." The second boy said.
"Oh my God! It's charity! Freak show feels the need to redeem himself for all the wrong he's done. Isn't it obvious? So who better than to strike up a conversation with than a poor excuse for a human being just wasting space? I mean, no one else would give him the time of day." The first boy explained boldly.
"You got a point there." The third boy said. "They deserve each other. Sitting at the loser table." This was followed by a cackle of laughter among the three of them and the slamming of locker doors.
Evan caught a glimpse of the back of the three boys as they left the locker room. They were wearing varsity jackets in the school colors – football team, basketball team, Evan couldn't tell. All the jocks looked the same to him – tall, big, good-looking, and dumb as a door nail. They had no idea he was sitting on the other side of the lockers and had heard their conversation.
He was the last one out of the locker room. The room was completely still. The only sounds were the occasional drip of a leaky shower head somewhere in the depths of the shower stalls. With the words still heavy in his ears, Evan gathered his things. On his way out of the locker room, he caught his reflection in the full length mirror near the door. He stopped and stared at himself. He decided he didn't like what he saw.
Poor excuse for a human being, Evan thought. That's what one of the guys said. Just wasting space. After reflecting on his life, he realized it was a true statement. What kind of contribution did Evan make to society? What kind of progress did he make in life in general? He was neither productive nor proactive. Alana did three internships and 90 hours of community service over just one summer. Even Jared had spent the summer at camp making "real" friends. Evan thought about his own life and how much he contrasted with those he knew. Evan spent all his time alone, at Ellison State Park making friends with trees and finding solace in nature. He realized how useless he was - a waste of space, a nobody, a mental case, a total loser whom no one liked. It was all true. The guy was right - the world would be better off if Evan Hansen wasn't in it. The world wouldn't stop for Evan. It would just keep revolving.
Evan stared harder at his reflection and then it was like as if a light bulb came on in a dark room. He knew exactly who he was. There was no second or third guessing. It was as clear as day. He needed to make things right – so that he wouldn't be a burden to his mom, his dad, or anyone at his school. He was taking up precious space that could be meant for someone else who actually mattered. He suddenly felt a flare of anger at the word CHARITY. Was it really charity? Was that the real reason Connor became his friend?
The anger passed in an instant and was replaced with despair and misery. All alone, his eyes brimmed with tears. It was just like falling from the tree, lying there on the ground, that sense of hopelessness waiting (or wishing) someone would come running to see if he was okay. Once again, no one was there to find him. No one heard him fall. He had to accept the fact that no one was ever going to come. He had to stop hoping and just expect it because he was irrelevant. In that empty locker room, he was forgotten.
Evan saw the tears roll down his face from the mirror. He brushed them away but new ones just took their place. It was a pitiful sight and he hated being so weak. He never imagined how much words could hurt until then. It sliced through his veins like shards of glass and the pain it produced was indescribable. It hurt to the core and he felt so imbalanced, so out of control, and so barbaric. There was really only one way out, to stop the hurt, to be relieved. He had planned it a long time ago. He didn't know why he stopped, why he was distracted. Was it because of Connor? It was just a smoke screen. He was destined to not exist. He tore himself away from his reflection and walked quickly out of the locker room.
The halls were now empty because the bell had rung some time ago and everyone was in their classes. Evan's next class was English. He had to admit that English was his favorite class. It was probably the only class he actually didn't mind attending. He felt a little sad that he was going to miss it today, but that was okay because Mr. Finley wasn't going to notice he was missing. In fact, no one was going to notice he was missing any day after this. It was all for the best. Evan shifted his backpack on his shoulder and left the school grounds in pieces. He was going to the one and only place that ever made him feel comfortable, safe and whole.
Connor sat at their usual table during lunch. He was very much looking forward to seeing Evan and having a conversation with him. He was so motivated that he didn't skip any of his morning classes. In fact, he hadn't skipped any of his classes since that day at detention. This was a huge step forward for Connor. He even surprised himself. He was excited to show Evan his sketch book (something he was very proud of) and get an opinion. His food tray from the lunch line was spread out before him – fried chicken, mac n cheese, an apple, and the usual carton of chocolate milk. The food had a peculiar way of appearing more appetizing on Fridays. He waited and waited for Evan. Spooning some mac n cheese into his mouth, he watched the door attentively, but no Evan. This was strange because Evan was usually there first and if anything, he was prompt. This did not seem like Evan, unless something happened to cause him to be late.
Connor had sent Evan three messages through WhatsApp earlier that morning at different intervals, but with no replies to any of those. At the time, he just assumed Evan was in class or just didn't get a chance to respond instantly. But now, the radio silence just seemed kind of odd. At first, he thought maybe his phone was faulty, but he checked and double checked. There was nothing wrong with his phone, battery life, or any of his apps. Then he thought maybe Evan's phone had issues. That would explain why he hadn't replied. But it still didn't shed any light on why he hadn't shown up at lunch yet. He took two gulps of chocolate milk and decided to reach out to Evan again.
Everything alright? Why aren't u lunch? Connor texted. He stared at his phone, waiting for a reply. He must've stared at the phone for five minutes straight before he noticed the status bar under Evan's name changed from "Last seen today at 7:30 AM" to a green "typing…" Evan was typing! Connor waited patiently. Whatever Evan was typing, it was taking very long.
Evan indeed received all of Connor's messages. But he was too preoccupied to read or write anything back. He just felt like he was going on a downward spiral and when he crashed, he didn't want anyone to find him. Emotions burning through his head like wildfire. He believed what those boys in the locker room said. He couldn't deny that there was truth to it. He started resenting everyone, even Connor. Then he felt dreadful for hating everyone when the one person he really hated was himself. He sat there for a long time eyeing his phone, trying to decide if he should send Connor a message. Part of him didn't want to contact anyone. He just wanted to be left alone to his own accord. But seeing Connor's persistence, seemed like maybe he was the only one who would notice if Evan disappeared tomorrow. There was no desire to explain or justify himself for what he was about to do. He was taking charge of his life now, something he should've done a long time ago and gotten it right. But somehow, he felt a small obligation to at least give Connor one final message. Connor deserved that.
He typed and then deleted, typed again, reworded things, then deleted that. Finally, he settled on the last rewrite and sent it.
I'm sorry for everything. I feel like I needed to tell you that, because you're the only one who's ever shown me kindness. I'll miss you. Evan texted and set his phone aside. It was short and simple.
Connor's phone made a notification sound for an incoming message. He was eager and thrilled, but his face fell when he read the message. He straightened in his seat and his expression became serious.
Evan, what are you saying? Connor's thumbs flew as he texted in a hurry. His heart was racing now.
What the hell did Evan mean? Actually, Connor knew exactly what Evan meant. He wanted to deny it and reject any notion of what it sounded like. But deep down, Connor just knew. He couldn't wait for a response. He stood up abruptly in a near panic and looked around in search of an adult who could help, whom he could tell, but there was no one. Everyone was engrossed in their own lives. He looked at his phone and Evan was "typing" again.
This is me stepping out of the sun. Came Evan's text after what seemed to be an eternity.
No, pls stop. Where r u? Connor typed. He was already out the cafeteria door and walking in circles in the hallway, not sure what he needed to do. No reply from Evan.
Connor pressed the call button. The line rang and rang, and then the voice mail kicked in. He hung up and tried again. Same thing. Connor left no voice messages because he knew Evan was not going to check them. Evan would know who was trying to call him from the caller ID. He purposely wasn't picking up. Connor went back to his WhatsApp.
I know you're there. I can see you're online. Let's talk. What happened? Where r u? Connor typed in a frenzy.
Connor's heart was pounding now. Another notification sound.
Need to fix things. Pls don't find me. This was Evan's final message.
Wait, Evan. Pls don't. Let me help you. What's wrong? Connor wrote, but to no avail.
Evan? Answer me. Pls answer me…Connor tried again after no reply.
A minute passed and still no reply. The status bar showed the "last seen today at…" meaning he was not checking his messages.
Connor paced nervously and told himself numerous times to calm down. Calm down and think. Think. Where could Evan have gone? Where was the one place, if any, would he have chosen to take his own life? Where was the one place where he felt safe and unaffected? Where would Evan go to seek refuge away from people? Where was Evan's favorite place in the world? Then it dawned on him. He looked up and it was like as if he had a stunning revelation. It was right there in plain sight. He was ever so mad at himself that he didn't think of this earlier. He wouldn't have wasted so much time. There has always been only one place.
The Boulder.
Connor was willing to bet all he had that that was where Evan was. He ran out the school doors and took off in the direction of Ellison State Park. He sprinted through the neighborhood all the while redialing Evan's number on his phone. If Evan wasn't checking messages, at least maybe the ringing of his phone might deter him from being hasty – that was unless Evan turned off his phone. The thought of this made Connor run faster. He ran like he never ran so hard in his life – like the devil was after him and time was not on his side.
His parka flapped behind him as he ran passed the Ellison State Park sign at the entrance. He dashed passed a few hikers on their way out, and down the trail that hardly anyone took. He hopped over the log barrier like he'd done so many times before. He jogged down the familiar twisting narrow pathway beyond the trees and foliage. He was breathless with exhaustion by the time he reached that thick oak tree that he had hid behind on the first day. He stepped out from behind the tree to find a rather frightening sight before him.
Evan was standing on top of the boulder facing the South Basin. Both arms were at his sides. His shoulders were eerily relaxed. His lanky frame was dressed in a navy zip up hoodie, blue jeans, and the same tan New Balance sneakers that he always wore. There was not an ounce of tension in his body language. He did not seem scared or timid. It was evident he'd been standing there for a while, already decided on his fate. The sunlight reflected off the slight curls of Evan's light brown hair and made it appear almost dark blond – like a soft halo. His back was facing Connor, but he could tell Evan's eyes were closed. He was taking deep slow breaths like as if he was savoring the clean, crisp air for the last time.
Connor's eyes drifted down to the items a few feet away from where Evan stood. On the ground, Evan's backpack was leaning neatly against the base of the boulder. It seemed like it was placed there purposely out of the way so no one would trip over it. Then Connor saw the letter and cell phone inches away from Evan's foot. The phone, which appeared to be turned off, was placed on top of the letter, like a paperweight to prevent it from being blown away by the wind. It was like as if he wanted someone to find that letter after he was gone. The letter itself looked different. It had a lot of wear and tear to it. It was creased, crumpled, and wrinkled from folding and refolding, from being wadded up to being shoved into pockets. It had been read and reread a thousand times, and handled another thousand times - sometimes roughly, sometimes gently. The weathered edges of the page had gotten rounded and stained from sweaty fingertips. Evan had made an effort to straighten out that piece of paper the best he could.
The scene was set. He was going to do it. This was the day Evan was going to die. Connor took this all in and his eyes quickly drifted back to Evan.
Evan looked down at the drop below. The steep cliff showed no mercy. With a base lined with jagged rocks, this was not a fall he would survive. This would be final. He wouldn't end up with another broken arm or leg. The impact from this height would be enough to end his life. There would be no hesitations, no regrets, and definitely no turning back. Evan was aware and he was committed. It was something he had to do because there was no other choice. He ventured a small step towards the edge of the boulder just to get a taste of freedom. As the tip of his right sneaker inched forward, a voice from behind distracted him.
"Evan." Connor called. His voice was gentle and calm, but his heart was hammering against his chest. "Evan, listen to me. Please don't do this."
Evan turned his head to find Connor standing there just like he had on that first day at The Boulder. Evan's first reaction was surprise, because he never gave any clues on where he was, so naturally he did not expect to be found. He always felt The Boulder was a most private place where he could take as long as he wanted to prepare to die. His second reaction was that of annoyance, because his plans were interrupted. And his third reaction – he didn't understand his third reaction. Somewhere in the back of his mind, there was a budding sense of relief. He was so determined to die and disappear. He had it all mapped out. Then suddenly, this odd inkling of feeling that maybe he wanted to be saved, for someone to save him. He was confused.
"You shouldn't be here." Evan said. He remained fearlessly standing on the boulder, showing no signs of hesitation.
"Talk to me. Tell me what's going on." Connor pleaded.
"There's no point."
"Come down from there and let's talk."
"You don't understand. No one does."
"Try me. I promise I'll understand." Connor figured it was best to keep Evan talking.
"No Connor, you won't." Evan glared. He was suddenly angry. He wanted so much to be left alone. He needed to be alone. He wanted – no, needed to jump off the edge, and Connor was ruining everything.
"Whatever it is. Anything. Tell me."
"I-I-I can't."
"Why? I'm your friend. You can trust me."
"If you were a friend, you'd go away and leave me alone."
"I can't do that. You know I can't do that." Connor insisted. "You're making a mistake."
"Why do you care? Why do you want to be my friend? Is it because you feel sorry for me? You feel sorry for the loser who has no friends?" Evan blurted.
"What are you talking about?" Connor was clueless.
"Since day one, it was you who approached me. Why was that? Was it charity? Giving to the needy, to those less fortunate? One good deed for another? I don't need your pity or your charity." Evan pressed with a scorching tone. His anger rose as he shifted his feet on the rock. It made Connor nervous.
"I-I really don't know what you're talking about." Connor was in the dark. He had no idea why Evan was saying all this and he had no answers for him. He was speechless at the accusations.
"Why are you even here, Connor? WHY?" Evan's animosity was apparent now.
"Because…"
"Because WHY?" Evan cut in impatiently. "Give me a really good reason." He raised his voice.
"B-Because…"
"I'm waiting…"
"I'VE COME TO GET YOU." Connor interjected in frustration. His tone was loud and firm. He couldn't believe he said it, but it was the truth. He wanted to save Evan so badly from the start.
"What did you say?" Evan was shocked and his voice came out small. His anger had vanished.
"I've come to get you." Connor repeated but this time, his voice was more composed. "I've learned that when you don't feel strong enough to stand, you hope that there will be someone reaching out to you. Someone will be there to show you that you're not alone. And that there's a reason to believe you'll be okay."
"How-how would you know?" Evan inquired, shrinking back slightly. He was moved by the strong choice of words. But part of him did not want to be fooled. Too many people in his life had deceived him. Would Connor just be another one to add to the list? Evan was guarded and he tried to figure out if Connor was genuine.
"Come down from there and I'll tell you. I'll tell you everything." Connor implored. A knot formed in his throat because he thought back to his state of mind on that first day of school, to what he was planning on doing that day, to the rage he felt when no one heard him fall. That was until he ran into Evan. He had to tell Evan everything.
"What do you…?" Evan's voice trailed off.
"Because you remind me of someone. So much like someone…" Connor's voice cracked, somewhere between affliction and desperation. There was extreme heartache in his tone and Evan felt it.
"Who do I remind you of?" Evan goaded.
"ME!" Connor almost hollered. "You remind me of me. When I look at you, I see myself. I see that somewhere in that complicated brain, I want to be saved, that I want to be heard, that I want someone to understand. Evan, you don't realize how similar we are. You have no idea, 'cause I never said anything. If you'll just give me a chance, I'll tell you." He was almost in tears. It was Connor's turn to completely lose it. "I use to think there was only one way out too. All I ever wanted was for someone to come get me. I think you needed that more than me. Come on, you're my only friend."
With that last sentence, Evan heart softened. He looked out into the basin, like as if he was torn on what he should do. He sorely wanted to take that leap into freedom and oblivion, to go to a place where pain didn't exist, to feel nothing, to be numb, to finally be happy. But Connor was here. He came. He dropped everything and he came. He somehow figured out where Evan was, because he listened and paid attention. He cared enough to try and talk him down from the edge. He persisted. Connor was the one true friend he had.
The things Connor said wasn't bullshit or a sly tactic just to trick him into getting off that edge. Connor spoke like he knew what he was talking about. Evan was curious to understand what Connor was trying to tell him. He always felt there was weird kind of sixth sense between them that Evan can't put his finger on. Perhaps they could've been the same person in a parallel universe. The lost look in Connor's eyes looked so familiar. Evan saw the same emptiness when he looked in the mirror. He couldn't end his life in front of Connor. It just wouldn't be right to make his only friend clean up the mess that he left behind. Connor shouldn't have to go through that. Evan made a decision.
When Evan moved, Connor opened his mouth to scream "No!" But he saw that Evan had only lowered himself to a seated position on the boulder. There was no eye contact, but it was like an invitation for Connor to approach. Connor walked over cautiously and took his usual seat next to Evan on the boulder. He bit back the tears that were forming behind his eyes. The sunlight betrayed him when he looked up. The brightness caused two tears to escape from his eyes.
"I need to show you something." Connor said turning to face Evan. Evan was a little alarmed to see Connor crying. He always thought Connor was tougher than nails and that it wasn't in his DNA to cry. His reputation preceded him. Evan didn't think anyone had ever seen Connor cry.
Connor reached into one of the pockets of his parka and pulled out a Ziploc sandwich bag. He placed it right between where he and Evan sat. The sandwich bag was filled with a mixture of all sorts of pills. Pills of all colors, shapes, and sizes. Some were tablets, some gels, some capsules, some were hard-coated, some had drug name imprints on them and some didn't. Then Connor pulled out of his other pocket a can of Budweiser. He placed that beside the bag of pills on the boulder.
"What-what's this?" Evan spoke, horrified because deep down, he knew what the answer was going to be.
"In my room, on my bed, after school on the first day." Connor replied.
"You?!" Evan gasped. It suddenly made sense – all of it.
Connor nodded. "I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I had already planned the where and when. This was the how." He gestured towards the bag of pills.
"Where did you get the pills?" Evan stared at the mesmerizing collection.
"It's mostly from my mom's medicine cabinet. She has prescription sleeping pills and other meds. I got a lot of them from rehab. They like to over medicate you with all sorts of drugs so you would be too out of it to cause any trouble for the staff. It made you sleep. I used to pretend I took them. Then there were ones I took from other people when they were looking the other way. At some point, I didn't care what kind of pill it was. All I knew was that it would do the trick if I took all of them at the same time." Connor said, feeling ashamed. Evan was appalled at how much planning Connor put into it.
"Must've taken a long time to accumulate so many."
"I was going to wash it all down with the beer." Connor confessed. "I've been carrying the pills in one pocket and beer in the other every day like a reminder. Whenever things got really bad, I touch it and it gives me hope that I had a way out."
"You obviously didn't go through with it. What stopped you?"
Connor breathed out. "It was you. You stopped me." He turned back to look at the basin.
"Me?" Evan sounded surprised and confused at the same time.
"Yes, you. You saved my life that day, Evan. I'm still here today because of you."
From there, Connor came clean and told Evan everything from the beginning - starting with the letter, which he read in its entirety. He bared his soul and all his feelings. He expressed the reasons why he felt compelled to save Evan because he saw all the signs that pointed to danger, because Evan was worse off than him, because he saw himself in Evan, and that Evan deserved to be saved. He admitted to following Evan around that first day of school and witnessed how lost and alone he was, how people treated him, how no one gave a shit, how seeing all this made Connor angry. He detailed how much he empathized with Evan. Connor left no emotional state unexpressed and didn't come short on all his thoughts. He owned up to shadowing Evan to Ellison State Park and lying about the fact that the boulder was his favorite spot just to keep the conversation going. But Connor also disclosed that he did it only under the immediate circumstances and that everything else he said was true and sincere.
At times, Connor was so caught up in his own emotions that the tears started flowing. Amidst the humility and display of openness, Evan saw the true Connor - the Connor that no one else saw or knew, the compassionate and generous Connor, the Connor that broke down just like everyone else, the human Connor. He was not a thug or a criminal or a monster. Sure he had a gutsy streak, but he was just like any other boy.
Connor had quit crying by the time he finished all he had to say. He felt relieved because he had bottled things in for such a long time. Finally letting it all out feel so good, like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
There was a brief silence.
It was a lot to take in for Evan. He was trembling with shock, trying to digest what he had just learned. His brain was on overload. He couldn't believe the selfless act Connor had done for him behind his back. And the most remarkable thing was that Connor wasn't someone he talked to or even knew. He was practically a stranger. He had no idea Connor's darkness mirrored his own darkness. It never occurred to him that Connor was suicidal. Well, there were hints when their conversations would gravitate in that direction, but Evan never imagined Connor had a plan to execute. And for Connor to carry around those pills in his pockets like the burden of a heavy cross, it tore Evan up. His heart was aching so terribly. Connor's honesty was brutal and mortifying. The least Evan could do was match that honesty.
"It wasn't – it wasn't an accident." Evan finally said with head hanging down and tears stinging his eyes.
"Yes, I already know." Connor knew exactly what Evan meant. "I knew from the start."
"I let go. I got to the top and I let go. I meant to die. I wanted so much to die." Evan sobbed. Elbows on knees, he hid his face in both hands. "I aimed to die that day. And I couldn't even get that right."
"Was it your first attempt?" Connor asked. It took Evan a while to reply. He owed Connor the truth.
"It was the first time I actually hurt myself." Evan swallowed away the tears. "One day last year, my mom was working the late night shift, so I was alone. I took a walk and found myself sitting in the middle of a street hoping a car would come and run me over. I sat there for a while, but no car ever came. Pretty stupid, right?"
"No, your intentions were real." Connor said. He seemed to understand this topic with great discernment. He didn't think it was awkward or uncomfortable. His words came from experience. He looked at the beat up old leather bracelets he wore on his left wrist. He hesitated before continuing. "Do you ever wonder why I wear these bracelets?"
Connor extended his left arm, knuckle first show Evan the array of bracelets strapped to his wrist. Evan shook his head. Connor took a deep breath and stripped them all off one by one, and placed them on the boulder. When he was done, he held his bare wrist to his chest preciously with his right hand for a moment. He turned it around to reveal a few angry brown healed marks against the white contrast of his wrist.
"These scars are from a cigarette lighter." Connor explained. "I've never shown these to anyone. As far as everyone is concerned, they think the bracelets are a fashion statement." Evan was rather dumbfounded that Connor confided in him. He never imagined the bracelets purpose were concealing self-harm.
"How old were you?" Evan asked.
"Fourteen." Connor answered. "It wasn't meant to be serious. I only wanted to feel pain, to see if physical pain could mask emotional pain. It was like an experiment."
"Did you ever do it again? Hurt yourself on purpose, I mean."
"No. Sometimes I wanted to, but no." Connor said. He touched the scars with his right thumb.
"Thanks for telling me about it." Evan said as he took the bracelets off the boulder and handed them back to Connor. This little gesture made it apparent that Evan would keep Connor's secret.
"You wanna say what's going on with you?" Connor said while taking the bracelets from Evan and proceeded to put them back on. Evan paused, gave it some thought, and then began.
"When I fell from the tree, I remember lying there on the ground for the longest time thinking, wondering, if anyone would come. I kept waiting and waiting. Nobody came for me. I don't know if I even made a sound." Evan said. "It didn't even bother me that my arm was broken and I was in so much pain. It was the fact that I just wanted someone, anyone to come, to care….but no one. I was alone. And-and on that day, I figured I was always going to be alone. If I suddenly faded away, no one would notice I was gone. It's how I've always felt."
"I'd notice." Connor assured.
"You're a good friend, Connor. Probably more than I deserve. But…" Evan stopped. "But I'm glad you're here."
"It's so easy to feel abandoned, alone, forgotten. I've been there so many times."
"All I really wanted was-was a place where I didn't have to feel unknown, to be heard." Evan said.
"I'm here and listening." Connor offered supportively. "You can tell me anything. I think I would understand. And well, if I don't then maybe we can figure it out together."
Evan's eyes bloomed with tears. In all his life, those were the very words his ears had been aching to hear. The words were so simple, so to-the-point, and so direct, yet held so much power. It didn't need to be a lengthy speech or ornate vocabulary, or a time consuming conversation. The words Connor used was something he expected to come from his mom or dad. But instead, it came out of the least likely person in the world. The only person who dared reach out his hand was Connor. Evan cried because all the heartache that he felt all these years had just been released. It was liberating to finally let it all out. He buried his face in his knees.
Connor, seeing Evan so emotionally distraught, placed a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder. Connor imagined this would be hard for Evan. No one had cared for such a long time and finally, someone comes along and reaches out, it was a very emotional feeling. This was his chance to be heard, to be found.
When Evan composed himself, he began his story. Sparing no details, he was open and candid with everything he told Connor. He explained from when the dark feelings surfaced and how they intensified and escalated each day. He spoke of his anxiety issues and how negatively they had impacted and affected his everyday life. He expanded on his complicated relationship with his mom and what it was like – how her job consumed all her time and energy. Then there was her weekend class at the Vocational Institute. She was going for certification in paralegal studies – trying to better herself than a nurse's aide. Evan knew his mom was doing her best, and trying to pay the bills and put food on the table. So, he didn't hold it against her when she was never present long enough to see how he was really doing. When he got to describing the situation and true feelings about his dad, Evan lost it for a minute. There was so much heartbreak and grief. There were times Evan felt like he couldn't go further, but he pushed through. By the end, he felt so ashamed and embarrassed – but Connor was still listening attentively and patiently.
He mentioned his struggles at school. He told about his family-friend Jared, who was as close to a friend as he ever got and it wasn't even a natural friendship but an obligated and forced one. He described how humiliating it was and how much it hurt to have someone be paid off to be his friend. The only thing he couldn't elaborate on was his feelings about Zoe for obvious reasons. He didn't feel it was appropriate to go there, especially since it was Connor's sister. When Evan finished, he felt so destroyed, yet so relieved.
"You can't let anyone know what happened here, or what we talked about." Evan said.
"It's just between you, me, and this boulder." Connor smiled. "You have my word." When Connor gave his promise, Evan trusted Connor more than he'd ever trusted anyone.
"You have my word as well to keep your secrets safe." Evan said.
"You know Evan, this sort of conversation is open ended. It doesn't just stop here. Any time you (or I) need to get something off our chest, we can talk like we're doing now. Please know that." Connor spoke. He needed this just as much as Evan.
Evan nodded.
"So, what was your trigger?" Connor asked.
"Trigger?"
"The trigger that drove you to come here and want to jump so badly. Something changed. What was it?" Connor said.
"I was in first period gym today and I overheard talk in the locker room. They didn't know I was at the row of lockers behind them." Evan said timidly. His eyes looked out into the basin and he started recounting the words exchanged in the locker room. His voice quivered as he repeated the cruel words the three boys had said. He stopped in mid-sentence to wipe a few tears away with the sleeve of his hoodie before continuing.
Connor was livid as he listened. To call him a freak was one thing, which he hadn't cared about in a long time, but to say all those things about Evan, especially the bit about Evan being a poor excuse for a human being and that if someone offed Evan, they would be doing the world a favor. It was like egging, daring someone who was already suicidal to go ahead and do it. It was really unforgiving and boiled Connor's blood.
"None of it is true. You can't believe what they said. Total nonsense. It really doesn't surprise me though 'cause you can't expect much from a bunch of fuckers with their heads up their asses." Connor spat bitterly. He inhaled and exhaled to calm his nerves. Then he spoke again, "Besides, I don't think any amount of charity that I do will ever be enough to redeem myself for all the mayhem I've caused. So, I'm not sure why they think I would start now."
Connor's remark actually made Evan laugh through his tears. It was pretty funny – a joke perhaps no one would understand except these two - and Connor laughed too. Though, what he really desired was getting vengeance because God knows those bullies needed to be taught a lesson. They should not have singled out Evan to be the source of their intimidation. It wasn't Evan's fault that he was an easy target. Being a passive individual was just his character. And for someone who was so vulnerable in spirit, so low in self-esteem, and so dangerously lethal to himself, it just wasn't right to add fuel to the fire. But for now, it was nice to hear Evan laugh.
"We're two sides of the same coin, you and me." Connor said. "We're not like them. We see the world differently, clearer maybe, but definitely darker. And maybe things might even turn out okay if we keep our heads above water. Kinda like keeping each other afloat."
Evan agreed with a nod and quit crying.
"I had a revelation recently. I realized I don't need a whole bunch of friends. All I really needed was one really good one. I don't see what's so fabulous about an entourage when they all abandon you when the going got tough." Connor said. "In the beginning, I had a mission. It was to keep you from taking your own life. They say there aren't any warning signs for suicide, but I think I kinda saw something with you. There was something there that made all the alarms go off. Instinct? Foresight? Gut feeling? Maybe it's because I saw how much you reminded me of myself in so many ways. It's hard to explain into words, but I think you know what I mean. At some point, I felt like I needed to be your friend just as much as you needed to be mine."
Evan listened to Connor speak and allowed it all to sink in. Words were a tricky sort. It can produce a roller coaster of emotions. It was easy to believe everything you heard, because its validity was uncanny. The words those boys in the locker room used were untrue yet it hurt him so severely that it encouraged him to commit suicide. Yet, the words Connor used were so kind and comforting that it made him think twice.
"I'm glad I signed your cast, even if no one else did." Connor said. "That way, whenever you're not feeling good, you look at it, and it'll remind you that you have a real friend."
"Thank you, Connor." Evan said. "This really means a lot to me. You don't know how much I needed to hear all that."
"You're ok, Evan. You will be, anyway." Connor smiled. "You hungry? You wanna go grab something to eat? I kinda missed lunch rushing over here. And you've been here all day."
"Not really that hungry." Evan shrugged. It was already late in the afternoon and the last thing he ate was a Pop Tart before he left the house that morning. It really surprised him that his stomach made no protest to being empty. Usually by now, his stomach would be playing a grumbling symphony complaining the need to be fed. He just didn't have an appetite.
"You have to eat something." Connor advised.
"I can't eat."
"Try. We'll get a snack. How about some fries?"
Evan reluctantly gave in. He took the letter and his phone off the boulder and jammed them into his pockets. Connor collected his sandwich bag of pills and can of beer back and placed them back into each pocket of his parka. Evan took his backpack off the ground and they left The Boulder together.
"Well Evan, how does it feel to cut almost a whole day of classes for the first time?" Connor teased as went first up the narrow pathway.
"Not too bad, considering. I don't think anyone noticed I wasn't there anyway." Evan replied.
"That's what I used to say about me, but for some reason, they always seem to know when I'm cutting class. It's like they have a special radar." Connor jumped over a big branch that had fallen on the pathway.
Once he had gotten over, he turned around and extended a hand to help Evan step over it. He saw with the broken arm, it was going to be a real effort for Evan to climb over it without help. Evan stood there and looked at Connor's open palm for a second. This was Connor offering help in more ways than one. Metaphorically, Connor was trying to show Evan that it's ok to need and want help sometimes. There will be logs of all sizes blocking life's journey. Obstacles, hurdles, roadblocks, stop signs, and detours all might hinder a person from overcoming their inner battles, but the thing to remember is that there is always hope. Evan couldn't understand how no one saw all the good in Connor. He was selfless and noble. Proof was making a sacrifice for a friend and taking the wrap for the pot found in his locker when it didn't belong to him. Evan accepted Connor's hand and pulled himself over the log.
When darkness becomes overpowering, all Evan needed was someone to steer him back into the light. Connor was that someone. He was the hope, the one constant that will remain stationary in Evan's life. Connor showed him that even though things were bad, he didn't have to go through it alone. It was the gift that Connor gave him. Connor saved his life that day.
End of Chapter 3
AN: Anyone up for some Evan whump in the next chapter?