Part 1: One of Their Own
Chapter 3: A Shattered Bond
Really Part 2 of the previous chapter. Shepard finally gets a chance to speak to Tali. Saying it does not go well would be putting it mildly. The crew then determines their next steps in how to handle having an indoctrinated individual onboard.
A/N: Really Part 2 of the previous chapter. Shepard gets a chance to see to his Tali. It does not go well.
For the sake of the story, I decided to change the purpose of the starboard cargo hold from Diana Allers' studio to the brig. One, I needed a space onboard the Normandy that would make sense to house people and that was the most logical space. Two, it gave me an excuse to not include Diana in the story, kill two birds with one stone and all that.
Shepard had suffered through the slow, drawn out torture of the elevators on the Citadel, but somehow, this trip to go one level down on his own ship was the longest ride he had ever been on. And also the most dreadful.
Flanked by Liara and Garrus on his sides, they had elected to accompany him. They had tried to tell him that Tali had been uncooperative ever since they had locked her away, that she had refused to talk to any of them. At the same time, they also empathized with Shepard's request, and offered no rebuttal. They figured that he was the best bet to get her to open up.
When the Normandy still flew under Cerberus' colors, the starboard cargo hold had been the hidey hole for the mercenary Zaeed Massani. Outside of that, the room had served very little purpose. After Shepard had turned himself over to the Alliance after the Bahak relay incident, the Alliance commandeered the ship and immediately started retrofitting it to comply with Alliance specifications. One of the changes that had been made was repurposing the cargo hold and turning it into a makeshift brig.
The room, which had barely finished construction before the Reaper invasion and still had some sections that were left unpainted, now contained three small cells along the starboard wall. Each cell was fitted with nothing but a suspended cot that extended the length of the cell, and a small toilet. Replacing the traditional iron bars was an impassable kinetic barrier to prevent whoever occupied the cell from escaping, giving anyone who touched it quite the shock. Across from the cells were the windows that looked down into the cargo bay, and a bench that also extended the length of the room for any visitors or guards to sit and observe.
For Lieutenant Commander Ashley Williams, however, she had elected to stand guard at the door in the main atrium of Deck 4. She had told herself it was to turn anyone away from walking in and seeing who had been imprisoned.
She knew that her reasoning was bullshit, she could have just locked the door after all. No, truth be told, the real reason was more personal. She had tried to watch from within initially, but to see Tali, her friend, someone she cared about, locked up in such a confined space, it hurt. It may have been her idea to put her there, but it did nothing to quell the storm inside her mind.
What truly did her in was the way Tali looked at her. Any and all of her attempts at talking to Tali were met with derisive stares and silence from the quarian. When Garrus had first carried her down, she was kicking and screaming, yelling curses at both of them, some of which translated, but others didn't. Ashley did not know what a "det kazuat" was, but it probably wasn't anything flattering. The Ashley from years ago would have admired the quarian's colorful vocabulary and the ferocity in which it spilled from her mouth, to see her have that backbone and bravado she felt Tali was lacking when they first worked together. Considering the circumstances, however, all it did was stab at her heart, knowing who it was directed at.
That was hours ago. Now, Ashley would have gladly welcomed the cursing, hell, anything, from her. It couldn't be any worse than the deafening glares that she was getting from her friend.
Tali had not spoken a word, to her or anyone, over the last few hours. Instead, she had elected to stew in reticence, sitting on her cot, her scowls fixated on the people who had wronged her. Who had betrayed her.
Eventually, the silence and the daggers she received from Tali's luminescent eyes had become intolerable, even for the grizzled soldier. So outside was where Ashley stood at attention, an M-8 Avenger in her hands, praying that she would not have to use it. Her deep concentration broken when she heard the elevator doors opening. She was prepared to turn whoever it was away, but returned to her position when she saw Shepard, Liara, and Garrus exit.
Ashley had only heard a brief description from Liara as to Shepard's condition. Once the asari had joined her and Garrus after being removed from Chakwas' med-bay, the two explained what happened when they finally got to him, and the shape he was in. With each and every word, the harder she squeezed the gun in her hands, the tighter her muscles became, her instincts wanting her to use the weapon to punish the bastard who had hurt Shepard. Reason won out, thankfully, reminding her that the one who did it wasn't in control of her own actions, that her anger was misplaced.
After hearing just how beaten he was, to see Shepard up and about and relatively okay, outside of the cane that he was still getting used to and a few scratches and marks on his face, it filled Ashley with relief.
She straightened her posture and stood at immediate attention upon seeing her commanding officer approach her. "Commander," the lifelong and committed Alliance soldier spoke.
"At ease, lieutentant," Shepard replied, to which Ashley obeyed and re-holstered the rifle behind her back.
With him standing directly in front of her, she could see him much clearer. More specifically, the hurt that laid behind his eyes, the pain that he was trying, and failing, to hide from the rest of the world. It was a look of loss, of grief, of longing. It was a look that, recently, Ashley had seen in the eyes of her own sister, Sarah, after she lost her husband. In that moment, the man before her was not her commanding officer. Not caring whether or not it was breaking Alliance regulations, she took the moment to bring her friend in for a hug.
"I'm so sorry Shepard," Ashley choked out. Much like Garrus and Liara, she was at a loss for any other words that could try and remedy the situation.
While not returning the hug, Shepard did welcome Ashley's gesture, fighting back his own feelings to avoid breaking down again. "Thanks Ash," was the simple reply that he could muster as she broke the hug. As much as he appreciated the words and sentiment, and was grateful for the support he was getting from his friends, he wasn't particularly in the mood for it. He just wanted to see his saera.
"How are you holding up? Are you okay?" Behind him, Ashley saw Garrus facepalm and Liara pinch the bridge of her nose in frustration. She immediately recognized the stupidness of her question as soon as she asked it.
Shepard answered with another sigh, remembering he was asked a similar question from Garrus earlier. "I've been better," was his curt response. He did not mean it to come out that way, he knew that Ashley meant well, but frankly, he did not care at the moment.
"With all due respect Ash, I'm not really ready to talk about it. I came down so that I could see her, so please, let me through."
The turn of phrase not missed on her, Ashley understood and relented. She allowed him to pass and fell in line with Garrus and Liara behind him as the group walked through the doors and into the Normandy's brig.
Shepard made a quick visual scan of the room he had before taken little interest in and had never visited. There had been no need before this point. The first thing he noticed upon entering, outside of how bleak and drab the room felt and looked, was that the first two cells remained unoccupied. The third and final one, located at the farthest end of the room, was emitting a soft hum, coming from the kinetic barrier that he saw was active.
He began slowly hobbling his way down the narrow walkway sandwiched between the cells and the bench. He heard the footsteps of his friends pattering against the metal floor following closely behind him. He stopped and turned back to address them. "Stay here, I want to try talking with her myself first."
He valued the fact that they wanted to support him and be by his side, but this was something that he knew he had to handle on his own. This was a matter between him and Tali, and having a larger crowd would only serve to complicate it, even if it was all amongst friends.
Liara was the first to speak up, understanding what Shepard was asking for…privacy. "Of course, Shepard. Just know, we will be right here if you need us."
A simple nod was his answer, before he resumed his trek down the path towards the room's sole occupant.
With each passing step, the closer he got to the cell that housed Tali, he could feel the anxiety spread to every part of his body. His breathing became constricted, as if he was being suffocated under the weight of a dozen Brutes that were suddenly crashing down upon him. His muscles tightening, as if trying to force him to stop and hold him back from what laid in front of him. Each step felt as though the room was getting hotter and hotter, as sweat began to form on the tip of his brow. His heart accelerating to uncompromised levels, to the point where the sound of his footsteps was blocked by the thumping beat of his internal organ. His legs were shaking from a combination of exertion and nerves, scared as to what he would find once he reached the path's end.
Until, finally, he looked inside, and saw her. She was hidden slightly by the shadows of the room, being tucked away in a corner where the cell's dim overhead fixture struggled to reach. She lied prone on the suspended cot at the back of the cell, her back facing him, refusing to even look and acknowledge her visitor. He knew that she heard him coming, her suit's auditory sensors were too sensitive to have not picked up his footsteps.
Shepard remembered one time in particular, when the two of them were walking through the Citadel to try and make a dinner reservation at one of the few restaurants that served to quarians. Despite dealing with all of the noise coming from the hustle and bustle of the large crowd of people they tried to work through, Tali had picked up on a stray racist comment from some stuck up asari who was standing outside her store front. Shepard hadn't heard anything, but she did, clear as day. Throughout the night, Tali had tried to conceal her displeasure, but he had quickly picked up that something was upsetting her. She eventually came clean, but told him to just let it go. He was reluctant, but she told him it wasn't worth it, so he promised not to do anything on their way back to the ship that night, as the two finally enjoyed the remainder of their date. After paying the bill and exiting the restaurant, they passed by the same store, the same asari standing in front. Shepard kept his eyes forward, his hand interlocked with Tali's, and kept his promise not to retaliate that night.
The next day, however, was a different story.
He, coincidentally, found himself walking through the Citadel. He also, coincidentally, found himself in the same area the store was located. It also happened to be the equivalent of rush hour on the Citadel, meaning hundreds of people were passing through the area on their way home from work. Coincidentally, of course.
He entered the store and found the same asari that had insulted his girlfriend standing at the counter. The owner was no fool, she had immediately recognized the savior of the Citadel as soon as he walked in. She waved him over, and after confirming his identify, she politely asked him if he could give her an endorsement to help drum up business. Shepard grinned smugly; he was more than happy to oblige her request.
After double checking with her to make sure that the device was also broadcasting live to the large crowd of people passing by, he spoke clearly into the microphone…
"I'm Commander Shepard, and this is the absolute worst store on the Citadel."
He looked back up to see the owner, she was aghast and what he had just said, what was just heard by everyone outside the vicinity, and what would no doubt spread through word of mouth. Seeing the desired effect, he leaned over the counter to whisper something that only she would hear. "Next time, don't be a racist piece of shit to my inszel." With that, he turned back around and exited the store, hearing the whispers and gasps of the diverse crowd of passerby's.
The next time he and his team returned to the Citadel, a new store had taken the place of the original. Ironically, it was a tech shop called "Quarian Quirks." Which ended up being useful when he and Tali had to make an emergency purchase after Tali suffered a malfunction with her suit's field generator after she had a…pleasurable, but private, moment.
That whole memory felt like a lifetime ago as he stared past the blue kinetic barrier, Tali still refusing to even turn around to look at him.
"Tali," Shepard's voice cracked as the words left his dry mouth. Still no response.
"I know you can hear me, saera, I just want…"
"DON'T!" a shout rang from the cell, causing everyone in the room to flinch at Tali's sudden outburst. "Don't…call me that! You have no right to use that word!" Her tone didn't just drip with animosity, it was flooded with it.
Her words continued to hurt more than the actual injuries she inflicted a few hours earlier. However, Shepard was not about to stand down now. As hurtful as they were, she was at least talking to him, it was progress of a sort. He wasn't going to back down just yet.
Taking a moment to regain his composure, he continued. "I know you don't mean that Tali. That it's not you putting those thoughts into your head."
A mirthless chuckle could be heard coming from Tali. "There you go again, thinking that I'm indoctrinated."
He knew going in that trying to reason with her would be difficult, but he had to make sure that he didn't let himself become agitated like before. All that did was drive Tali further away, so he resolved to maintain a calm and measured approach. "Tali, think about what you're saying, what you were trying to do. Look at what you did to me."
With that, Tali finally rolled over so that she was facing him. She made a quick once over of Shepard, seeing the cane that he was using to steady himself and noting the marks across his face and arms. As far as she was concerned, all she saw was a job left unfinished, and she did not leave jobs unfinished.
"Look at this, and tell me what you see?"
"I see someone who I thought I could trust" she said as she sat herself up. "I see someone who I gave my loyalty and support to for years." She proceeded to stand. "I see someone who I thought valued me the same way I valued him." She walked right up to the barrier, as close as one could get without getting shocked. "I see the person who will lead my people to suffering, or even extinction."
For his part, Shepard held his ground. But Tali was not yet through with him. "You say that I am indoctrinated, but you're wrong Shepard. What I want is what I always wanted. To help my people, to see them thrive."
Much like before, when she had first run through "her" ideas to him in their cabin, she began pacing around the room as she explained. "The advanced technology of the Reapers could be harnessed to help us. To free us from our suits, improve our immune systems, faster than anything the geth could do for us.
"Even Legion saw the usefulness in using the Reaper upgrades. It gave the geth true sentience. It found a way to utilize the code without having the geth become enthralled to the Reapers like before. We…I, could do the same, but for organics.
"Indoctrinated individuals ally with the Reapers to support the Reapers. I want to ally with them to support the quarians. To propose the solution that they were designed to find. A mutually beneficial agreement. This could end up supporting the galaxy as we can make sense of the technology and share it with everyone. No longer would we be under the boot of the Council or face the ridicule and bigotry of the other races. We could once again be partners in the galactic community, and be the ones responsible for ushering in a new golden age for the galaxy. And with everything that Lawson and Cerberus found, and my own research, I know that I can make it possible."
Turning back towards Shepard, the fire in her eyes reverted back to anger. "But you had to stop that. You, them," pointing her finger at the three others who were left to watch their friend speak such nonsense, "and your myopic idea that the only way to stop them is by destroying them. It's not! Partnering with them and merging our technology with theirs can save everyone."
Hearing this argument for the second time from her did not leave Shepard feeling any less disgusted. "Tali, listen to yourself. You're talking about supporting the Reapers and working with them. What does that sound like? WHO, does that sound like?" Shepard asked, putting extra emphasis on the 'who.'
"Don't you DARE compare me to Saren or that bosh'tet Illusive Man. Saren wanted everyone to surrender to the Reapers, to be subjugated to them. The Illusive Man wants to control them for his own reasons, reasons that purely benefit himself. Mine does none of that. This partnership would retain people's freedoms, and benefit the galaxy" Tali responded.
"And what would Raan think of this 'partnership?'"
"Raan…" Tali begrudged. "She and the other admirals forced us into war with the geth while the rest of the galaxy burned. We have peace with the geth for the first time in 300 years, this despite their actions, not because of them. All she, Gerrel, and Xen do is threaten it. Gerrel and Xen wouldn't even lift a finger to stop their followers from threatening me when I voted against the war. They tacitly encouraged it.
"For many, what we did will not erase hundreds of years of suffering, lay to rest the lives that were lost, or correct the years of anti-geth sentiment. What happens when some quarian inevitably attacks a geth, or tries to experiment on it? What happens if the geth just tries to defend itself? You think the admirals are going to be the ones to do what's best for us? No, they'll be the ones to drag us into another war, blinded by their own ambition. And Raan will just go along with it, like she did before.
"Koris won't do anything either. He's an apologist, quick to blame us and appease the geth. Appeasement doesn't work, it never has nor will it ever, it's not a solution. What I have, IS the solution."
Her eyes soften a bit behind the mask, hoping that maybe, just maybe, she could convince Shepard this time around. "Shepard, I beg you, please. Let me out of here. On my omni-tool, right now, is terabytes of data about the Reapers. I know their systems inside out, including how their technology works and how we can use it for ourselves. If you just give me that chance, this war will be over."
Shepard hung his head in shame. That data, that fucking data. The same data that Tali had hidden from him and everyone else. The same data that had corrupted his girlfriend under his very nose. The data that she wouldn't have even gotten her hands on had it not been for him.
"It's gone."
"W-what?!"
His head shot back up to see Tali staring daggers back at him. "It's gone Tali. Liara scanned your omni-tool and found it, so we deleted it."
Stumbling backwards, retreating further into the confines of the cell, Tali grabbed the sides of her helmet and fell to her knees. "No…no, no, no…" she cried.
"That's how they indoctrinated you Tali, can't you see? You having that exposed you to unfiltered Reaper data. It twisted your mind, your values, your beliefs, everything that makes you the person that I love, and made you try to kill me. The Reapers took that and used it to manipulate you.
"And you better believe that everything I do, from this point forward, will be dedicated to making sure that the person I love comes back to me. I don't know how, but I'm going to help you. I'll find a way. I say this with God as my witness, and may the will of the ancestors allow it."
As heartfelt as his words were, nothing that Shepard said made it through to Tali. His admission of deleting everything she had studied caused the ringing in her ears to increase, deafening everything around her. A headache greater than any she had ever felt before almost made her throw up from the pain. Her eyes were tightly shut, but she could feel the tears trailing down her cheeks. A single thought entered her mind and played on a continuous loop.
'TRAITOR! BACKSTABBER! MURDERER! I gave you my trust and you have damned my people to their fate! The lives of every quarian in the ensuing conflict will be on your hands!'
The more solace she finds in this thought, and the more she gives into her anger, the more the headache recedes and her hearing returns. She can now hear Shepard from the other side of the barrier, calling out to her. And once she had regained her sense of clarity, she knew that there was only one thing that she could do. To free herself from her greatest mistake, bonding to this human.
"Qish'naf felz."
The only one to hear her is Shepard, but his translator failed to make sense of the quarian phrase.
She spoke louder, so that the whole room could hear her. "I invoke qish'naf felz against you, John'Shepard vas Normandy." Slowly getting back to her feet, Tali turned away from him one last time and settled back on her cot. "May your soul find no rest and be cast out by the ancestors upon your death."
"Tali…"
"Go…just, go. Leave me alone. You've hurt me enough."
Realizing that Tali had just ended the conversation, he turns towards the exit, but does not move. Taking one last look at the distraught quarian, who was trying to shrink herself away from the world around her, he can only muster three words.
"I love you."
He got no response as he started to make his way back towards his friends.
All three could hear the conversation that played out before them, and all were equally horrified by what Tali had proposed. Had there been any part of them that thought Tali wasn't indoctrinated, or that she could be saved, it was quickly snuffed out. There was simply no denying it now.
Much like Shepard, though, Garrus and Ashley were none the wiser to what Tali had declared. Neither of them was well versed in the Khelish language, nor understood quarian terminology or how bonding with a quarian worked.
Liara, however, did. Her time as an archeologist, information broker, and as the Shadow Broker had given her various resources that went over the cultures, beliefs, and customs of each civilized race, including the quarians. She had always seen knowledge as a gift, but in that moment, it was a curse.
As Shepard slowly hobbled his way out of the brig, the trio followed shortly after him. Ashley was the last to exit, the doors closed behind her, as all four were now standing in the main atrium of level 4.
"So, that went well," Garrus said, trying to break the awkward silence. All he got was 3 pairs of eyes staring angrily back at him. Once again, the turian had managed to put his foot in his own mouth, and he realized it as soon as he said it. He didn't need to beat himself up over it this time, however, Ashley was more than capable of doing it for him as she promptly kicked him in the shin. Knowing he most likely deserved that, he offered no rebuttal other than a grunt of pain.
"Did any of you happen to understand what Tali said?" Shepard had posed the question to all of them. "What that quarian phrase meant?"
Liara feared that his curiosity would prompt this, and as much as she didn't want to hurt him even more ('What was the human saying, kick a man while he's down?'), she knew that he would find out eventually. If he was going to learn what it was, it was best to at least hear it from someone he knows.
"Qish'naf felz." Liara spoke up. "It roughly translates to 'the separation of souls.'" Shepard's face sunk at the revealed meaning. "It has only been used by quarian's sparingly throughout their history, only when a bond has been completed under false or misleading pretenses, or one has committed an unspeakable wrong. It doesn't have to be mutual, so long as one member declares it, they can end the bond, though it causes both party's deep anguish when invoked. Anguish so deep, that the only thing that could supposedly rival it is felz'elt, caused by the death of one's lifemate."
For Shepard, anguish was the understatement of the century. The weight of Liara's words crashed over him. The cane was no longer enough as he sank to the floor, too quick for anyone to be able to stop him.
In that moment, sitting on the cold metal floor of the Engineering deck, Reapers laying waste to the galaxy, and pretty much being dumped by the person he loved, Shepard had never felt more hopeless. Not on Elysium, where he stared down an overwhelming force of batarians and somehow survived. Not after he and his crew were impounded by the Council and Udina after telling them about Ilos and Saren's plan. Not after his failure on Thessia against the Alliance dropout Kai Leng. Not even when he went up against the Collectors practically singlehandedly in a suicide mission that he was lucky enough to escape alive.
The one person who had been a pillar of strength through it all had been Tali. As thankful as he was for the ones he had around him, including the three that were currently trying to help him back onto his feet, it was Tali that always got him through the worst of it.
Ever since Earth, he had been haunted by these reoccurring nightmares. He was running, fully armored, through what appeared to be a forest of dead trees. Ashes and leaves rained down from the sky above. The voices of the friends who he had lost calling out to him from all directions. Kaiden, Thane, Legion, Mordin, countless others. He'd turn to find no one there, just black, shapeless silhouettes he couldn't make out. No matter how far he ran, he couldn't escape the calls. It drove him crazy.
On top of that, he found himself chasing this kid. The same one he had failed to rescue back on Earth, who had been killed by the Reapers. And every time he caught up to him, it always ended the same. The kid was engulfed in flames, burned alive, as he stared back at Shepard, not caring about his impending fate. And all Shepard could do was watch, until there was nothing left of the kid. He'd wake up after that, always in a pool of his own sweat, breathing heavily from what he just saw. The same questions rattling his mind.
Why was it that he got to live, while someone like that young boy didn't? How many more innocent lives had the Reapers taken during this war? In countless cycles before? What makes him think that he could stop them? What makes him different than the protheans, or the races who came before, who all failed.
These dreams had plagued him almost every night, until suddenly, they stopped. He was sleeping more, eating better, everyone around could see the marked change in his behavior. What had changed all of a sudden?
The answer was obvious. The dreams ended as soon as Tali had moved back onto the Normandy, more specifically, when she moved back into their cabin. Shepard had never stopped calling it theirs, even when she wasn't around. He wanted her to know that, if she ever returned, she would always have a home there. And when she did, and he heard the soft purrs of her heelrou lulling him to sleep, it provided a comfort and assurance that he so desperately needed. It was a reminder of what, and who, he was fighting for, she was a light in the dark.
It was no surprise that, after their fight and Tali had elected to move back into one of the sleeper pods, that the nightmares had returned. And now, with everything that had transpired over the last several hours, Shepard had never felt more alone. Not since he had woken up from his 2 year long stint with death. The thought causing his heart rate to spike in a matter of seconds.
Garrus and Ashley helped him back onto his feet, his body numb to the feeling of hands and talons gripping him as he was lifted off the floor. Liara grabbed and handed him back the cane he was using to re-stabilize himself.
Ashley was the first to see the signs. His hands felt cold to the couch, his face growing paler, and she could see that he was starting to hyperventilate. It was something she had seen many times before sadly.
Shoving Garrus and Liara away, she took a hold of her commander's shoulders and placed herself directly in his line of sight. "Shepard, HEY! Look at me, okay!" She sees his eyes start to dart around the room in a panic. "Hey hey hey, not over there, at me! Just keep looking at me! Focus on me, you understand?"
Shepard nodded in affirmation, his breathing matching his heart rate, feeling as though he was choking on the air around him.
"Good, that's good. Just follow me, okay? Keep your eyes on me, and do exactly as I do. Breathe in…" and with that, Ashley started to take a deep breath in through her nose. She takes a hand and moves it in front of Shepard, counting up with her fingers all the way to 4. At four, she stopped, holding her breath, counting up again to 3 this time. "Now breathe out." She now exhales slowly through her mouth, starting another 4 count on her hands.
Shepard keeps his eyes on Ashley the entire time, doing exactly as she said. Breathe in, 4 seconds, hold, 3 seconds, breathe out, 4 seconds, repeat.
After about 5 of these, his heart rate slowly returned back to a normal pace, his mind refocusing as he could now feel the pressure of Ashley's hand gripping tightly onto his shoulder. As the color started to return to his skin, he could feel his entire body beginning to level out from what he had just experienced.
"I'm okay," he said, though still breathing heavily, "I'm okay."
"Are you sure?" asked Ashley.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm good. Thank you."
She released her grip on him, allowing him to stand on his own, and took a few steps back so as to give him space. Liara and Garrus did nothing but stand idly by as they witnessed Ashley help Shepard through what appeared to be a small panic attack.
Recovering from and shaking off the last residuals of what he had just experienced, he turns to address his crew. "For now, due to the nature of the situation, I want one of you to be on guard here at all times. Having someone who is indoctrinated onboard is sure to rile up some people, make them nervous. No one, outside of us or accompanied by us, is to enter that room. And, in the unlikely event that Tali somehow escapes, we cannot allow her to have free access to the ship. Especially not so close to engineering and the drive core." Had her target not been Shepard exclusively, Tali could have easily sabotaged the Normandy, killing everyone on board.
"That person will also need to make routine checks on her wellbeing. If this qish'naf felz is as bad as Liara described it to be," ('or as bad as how I just felt' Shepard thought to himself) "than someone will need to monitor her for any abnormal behavior or actions."
"Just so I'm clear on what you're asking for Shepard, you want us to have Tali on suicide watch?" Garrus chimed in.
"In layman's terms, yes, that is what I am asking for. And I understand that what I'm asking is less than ideal, but you three are the only ones I can trust for this. And right now, I need…"
"I'll do it."
All three heads turned towards Ashley, who had just volunteered to be Tali's permanent security guard. "I'll watch over her, Commander. And I promise, nothing bad will happen to her under my watch."
Shepard had to admit to himself, he was a little surprised not only by Ashley's willingness to volunteer, but with how quickly she jumped at the opportunity. While he would never classify the seasoned Alliance soldier as a xenophobe, her disdain for Cerberus and Terra Nova made that abundantly clear, it's not like she was ever the most pro-alien person. While he had accepted with little hesitation the assistance of Garrus, Wrex, and, of course, Tali, Ashley made her concerns very well clear after they came on board. And while she had definitely grown to accept and even trust some of them, Ashley had never fully abandoned her views that, when backed up against the wall, each alien race would only look out for themselves. Yet here she was, someone that had been as gung-ho as James to take back Earth, choosing to guard a quarian of all people.
If he was going to allow this, he had to make sure she understood what she was agreeing to. "While I appreciate your willingness Ashley, you do understand that what I'm asking for is a 24/7 surveillance of Tali." Ashley seemed to understand so far. "That means staying onboard the Normandy, including if we do end up returning to Earth." So far, so good, she did not waiver at all. "Ash…"
"Let me stop you right there Shepard. I know what I'm signing up for. It means I won't be able to help when we finally kick the Reapers off Earth. And I'm okay with that. Did I ever tell you what happened the night we lost Kaiden?"
Shepard shook his head at her question, and allowed her to continue. "We had set up the memorial in the mess area for him, everyone came at some point to pay their respects to him in some way. That night, after I thought everyone had already gone to bed, I went to see him. And, I just, prayed. I don't remember how long I was there, but all I could do was pray, hope, that he was in a better place. And then, just as I was finishing up, Tali walked in. I thought that she would just walk on by, or make some comment about me being religious. After all, why should an alien care about some human dying, or take an interest in our beliefs?
"Tali didn't do any of that. Instead, she asked if she could kneel with me. For a while, it was just the two of us, paying our respects. She even asked about the prayer I recited, and joined me in it. It was such a small gesture, but it meant so much to have her there. To help honor the life of a man that, if I can be frank, should still be alive.
She did all of that, in spite of how I treated her for the longest time. She never held it against me, never treated me with anything but kindness, even it took me a long time to return it back. Hell, had it been her that was with you back on Horizon, maybe it would have convinced me to join up with you."
"I guess me being there wasn't enough," Garrus muttered under his breath, hoping no one heard him. Liara did, unfortunately, and proceeded to kick him in his other shin.
"The point being," Ashley continued, "is that Tali helped me see things differently. She was the first alien that I seriously considered a friend. And now, whenever I think about Tali, I don't see her as just a friend…she's like a sister to me.
"So I fully understand that what I'm agreeing to likely kicks me off the ground team. But, with all due respect Commander, I don't give a rat's ass. If it means helping out my sister, then I can't think of a more appropriate spot to be. So you best believe that if I'm guarding that door, no harm will come to her."
"No harm will come to who, human?"
A/N: So again, I'm finding myself splitting up the chapters a bit. Originally, I had planned for what immediately comes next to be a part of this chapter, but on account of avoiding another long wait, the word length already exceeding what I had initially planned, and seeing this as a pretty good spot to end it on, I will leave it for the next chapter.
The chapter's got a bit of everything. It's got drama, angst, a little fluff here and there, some humor, character interactions, set up for future plot points and ideas I have, and a cliffhanger. You may disagree, and I certainly welcome any and all feedback, but I think this is one of my stronger chapters. Though that's probably not saying much, considering my track record, but hey, progress is progress.
For anyone who did not read A Quarian's Awakening, I hope you enjoyed the "brief" catch-up of Tali's indoctrinated motivation. Also, for those that didn't read AQA, the conversation that Ashley is referring to is referenced in Chapter 1 of that story. I went back and made a few changes (originally, it was Ashley inviting Tali to join her, but now, it's Tali asking to join Ashley). I'm really trying to hammer in an ongoing "found family" theme with this story, especially amongst our main cast of characters (Shepard, Tali, Garrus, Liara, and Ashley), so I really wanted to make sure that I made Ashley seeing Tali as a sister believable. It's also why I've been trying to have indoctrinated Tali sever all the bonds that she has with everyone close to her and treats it as though her family is dead.
I want to give a shoutout to two fellow Talimancers. One is Darmokula (writer of Reclamations, among other things) for being cool with me referencing one of his stories, Those Are Just My Hips, in this chapter (it's the bit of Tali and Shepard looking to repair her suit after she broke it masturbating). The second is AbsoluteMadman (writer of The Snake Tali Series) for helping me brainstorm ideas for some quarian terms. Most of the terminology used in this is a reference to Calinstel's To Survive (exception being the heelrou, that belongs to Jack Trader's Shining Bright), but I ended up creating my own piece of lore to it. He came up with a word, qish'naf, and I used that as the basis for qish'naf felz, the separation of souls.
As I said, please leave any comments or criticisms you may have. I strive for accuracy, so if I get something wrong, please correct me. Character says or does something OOC, lore messed up, or (and this is a big one) any suggestions in handling panic attacks, please let me know (not saying that I do have plans for it, but I'm also not saying I don't.
If you're interested in joining the Talimancer discord community, message me and I can send you an invite.