Eyes that see into Infinity
Chapter Fifty-One
Part Four
/
A month goes by. Nothing gets worse and nothing gets better. Phai is happy for me more than I am happy for myself which seems to be all the time. I would hate to ruin that smile I see almost every morning, but what can I say, I'm a survivor. I'm still ways away from him but my effort is effortless. I make the time. Things haven't changed between us but everything feels on standby. Everything feels like a filler with no big events, no life changing occurrences, we're all just here living life as we should. But that's the worry. Every time things stay still for too long, something comes and its intention is to wipe us out.
Three months in the year and my mother has a miscarriage. Which I saw coming. Which I witnessed as she bled out for weeks. It puts her in a deeper depression but I don't understand her pain and I never will…that she makes sure to tell me. I support her by hanging around, taking in her abuse and neglecting my own needs...whatever needs they may be. The same thing I've always done, I stay by her side. The second he hears the news, her boss, her newest love affair, tosses her aside for a younger girl who just got hired on. In fact this new girl replaces my mom while she's out of work. So naturally she is feeling old and worthless and ugly. She hasn't been turned down by any man before. She's a goddess. She makes men bend at her will. This time her sorcery didn't work and dad fucking a bunch of young girls behind her back gets in her head. He's a demon just like me and she's the victim who gets dragged to Hell. She cries every night. Even when she's laughing, tears hit her stiff older face at the same time her lips spread. She could be watching an old fashion comedy or cooking dinner and there would be tears. I've never seen so much crying in my life. Now I know where I get my sensitivity from. I'm an emotional fucking wreck and its because of her. Her cries, they're haunting, and I hear them all the way from her ancient past. I see them. They're undeserving but also not very innocent. She may as well be a ghost that lived upstairs. And again I am all she has so she takes advantage of that and I let her because I am a good son. Through her wallowing she makes sure to tell me that I am not her real son and that she doesn't know where I came from but I certainly didn't come from her. Of course she's lying but she makes sure that I may never forget her words. I am no longer worthy to be a son of a god or a son of a better man.
I'm always trying to prove that I am good. That I can be good. Maybe not a good person but I truly believe I am a good son. Sometimes, she kisses me and more often she goes right up to me and slaps me with no explanation because of whatever is pissing her off in the moment. I get yelled at for pitying her and I get yelled at for giving her space. I don't feel good around her which sucks. I never felt good around dad either, but the difference was, I could lash out at my dad, punch him, tackle him, cuss at him, whatever I had to do to defend my manhood. My mom, I get no such chance. So I suck it up and let it kill me some more, and a little bit faster. If there is any time to bond, this would be it, but she doesn't accept my affection. Instead she drinks and smokes herself into oblivion, the exact thing she condemned her husband and I for, though she only consumes bottles and bottles of very expensive wine. That's the most she spends on herself. Everything else, she's let go. I begin to hate her for it because why would she do this to me. Why would she throw smoke and alcohol in my face when she knows damn well I crave it. She tells me it's not the same thing. I could very well be drinking and smoking with her but I don't because I now see what it does. When the smoke forms I see dad's ghost everywhere and he's doing the same thing. Drinking and smoking himself to death and they're doing it together on the same couch, on the same bed, under the same roof. Maybe I'm not the only one who needs therapy. But dad always said, we were never a happy family. For me being happy wasn't a privilege, it was a destination. I still have time. I think.
But when I'm not there, which most of the time I am not, I leave mother with a companion. Bucephalus gives her company and she's beginning to love her, to confide in her. Her husband is dead, her dad is dead, her mom is dead and her brother who I never knew is also dead. Her unborn babies are dead. And according to her, I will be dead. It's why she latches on so tight. She's afraid to lose me but I'm afraid what will happen to her if I do disappear. She dreams of a dead me every night. Make no mistake, she is not alone because she is being haunted by real ghosts. I want to be there for her, I just don't know how to be around her. Mom will never let me go and I wonder still if Phai hates me for it. For choosing to stay with her rather than staying back with him. There are some things he keeps from me, I know, and I don't blame him for keeping it to himself. She's the only thing keeping me far away from him and it will always be a touchy topic for the both of us. I hope he still trusts me.
Later down the road of what I predict will be a very short year, her sleep walking becomes worse and she tries to come onto me, thinking I'm her dead husband again. The only way to snap her out of it is to just let it happen. Waking her up becomes dangerous for myself and for her. But when she recognizes me, the disgust is there and she's horrified. Sometimes when we go out to eat, she makes me dress up as dad would and then she clings to me as if I am her lover. There's a cologne he used to wear that she kept, probably the only thing of his she seems to cherish other than me. She makes me hold her as if I was a dream come true. I just let it happen no matter how much it makes me sick because I hate fighting her. Believe it or not, I hate fighting. I hate winning. I get nowhere when I fight her. I get nowhere when I win. But when she becomes too much, I do disappear and don't tell her where I'm going, though I'm sure she can assume I'm heading in the direction of one person and I can only imagine her shouting at the top of her lungs in tears as they drain her eye makeup every time I do for breaking her heart again. She's not the only who hates it when I run to Phai. But it's the only way I can escape. No one knows this is the side I suffer and it's no ones business to know just how demented we truly are. Phai on the other hand knows some of it but not the part of it that would have him turn away from me, hide from me, hate me. For the people who don't want me to become my dad, they sure treat me like I've been him all along.
Phai's been telling me that I can stay with him. His parents who sense that something is strangely wrong with me offers me to stay with them also. They say it's no problem but I'm a burden. I know I am. So I pretend everything is alright. I'm great at pretending and they learn to believe me. They learn to trust that I am doing better. Phai and I meet up so often, we may as well be neighbors again. I make sure nothing is off, or weird. We do what we can, when we can, where we can. Our intimacy relies on conversation and then sex comes when it comes. Not always but enough. We're content just talking on the phone. When I am with him I am rewarded fully. When I am without him my ears fill with noise and my head spins in a continuous circle and my rage is at the surface. I choke and I burn and I fade to dust. I become nothing without him. I wonder if he still remembers the day I told him he was nothing without me. I try to forget that day but some memories never go away.
On a better note, I do get that job with Barsine, the one mom has been hounding me about and it's absolutely something I hate myself for. Barsine laughs at me and I laugh at myself for how dumb I look in a uniform and apron. I laugh at myself for standing above hot flat stoves in the kitchen cooking for needy people. My friends find it funny also but they're happy for me. They're happy that I made a choice, that I decided to do something with my life other than drive around town, sulk and brood. Since when do I conform? Why do I obey? I also can't cook worth a shit. But I make it work and for what it's worth, it's fun. Us together, reminds me of when my friends and I used to cause trouble for no other reason than we were kids, though I will argue I was the least incline to misbehave. I was probably the boring one, the one who watched rather than participated. I was out of place and I think that's what Phai was attracted to. I was just like him, an outsider.
Barsine and I, when we hang out, we fuck around like bad school kids. I could be some other part of me around her. But I knew it wasn't me, I just felt like this was the only way to not lose her as a friend. I have a habit of being who other people want me to be out of fear that they'll see who I really am. And who I really am is not my father. I'm beginning to think I'm far worse. My paranoia is worse than his, my thoughts are worse than his and everything feels like a elongated nightmare of miscellaneous visions. But they're memories of a past I don't remember living. And this life may not exist. That's why I have to move. To relax. To not think so far away. I've always been told to loosen up by more than just those close to me, whose opinions shouldn't have mattered. Sometimes I find that Barsine is not the best influence because I become mischievous. Obnoxious. Violent. Cocky. During some of these moments I feel like Cassy more than Cassy feels like himself and it is somewhat freeing to be such an unguarded spirit with burdens I refuse to bear but that's not who I am. I allow the bear to attack, to maul and to eat because it was starving for so long. We're never alright, the king and I. We erupt, releasing everything bad whilst demolishing every good thing we worked hard to be. You see, this is why I don't make such efforts. I can't be disappointed striving for an empire that will eventually crumble. As Alex, the man with a disability, I can just do nothing. Nothing at all. It's easier not to lose that way.
I love Barsine. She's one of my greatest friends. We're chaotic together. We find ourselves doing everything from vandalizing cars and buildings, pranking each other instead of working, stealing tips from asshole employees, smoking on our breaks and sometimes never returning. I discovered the reason we still had a job was because the manager has a huge crush on her so she slips in and out of work when she pleases and takes me down the rabbit hole with her. Sometimes she tempts me to drink and she gets in these moods where she wants to go clubbing and just dance. And when we're dancing and carefree that's when she becomes bold. She's one of the ones who hates it when I run back to Phai. She doesn't hate him, not like everyone else, she just forgets that he's in my life, especially when I'm a thousand miles away. She doesn't think it makes sense that I'm dating someone I have to make such effort to see everyday. She asks me often if it's worth it. She also suggests that if I really loved him, I would be there with him. Sometimes she would forget that her words were sometimes bleak like she didn't believe I was really in love with Phai. And she would try to convince me that I wasn't probably in hopes I would end up with her, someone close by, that I saw everyday. She doesn't get to me though. I don't let her. Roxanne, who would clutch to me, Barsine doesn't. She releases me and laughs it off and continues on like nothing happened or will ever happen again. In the back of my head, Phai, as usual, reminds me that the life we live is about control. He once told me that I represent humanity's madness and that I have to fight it, not for anyone but for myself. But I understand, Barsine has a past of nightmares too. She just tackles them head on. Sometimes when I put up boundaries and tell her no, she's visibly upset. I don't blame her because I don't believe I ever explained to her what's been happening with me, not thoroughly, not as a friend should have. She doesn't know that I can't dream. She doesn't know that I want to drink so bad until I die. She doesn't know that I have visions of a life I don't remember living. She doesn't know that I'm dying at all. The only thing she knows about me and now everyone knows is that I have a very small brain tumor. I don't think she would pressure me if she really knew what was going on but here I am, justifying it, like I always do, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt whether it hurts me or not. But if she did know, would she care? I will never know because I don't open up about it. I think the girls in my life are the only ones I kept things from. They can become the most dangerous with information such as that and these things are often used against me. Though I won't be surprised if Tolem would let it slip to Thais and from there it will slip to Roxanne and from Roxanne to whomever she pleases. But one thing that doesn't slip is my fall for temptation. I am proud to say I haven't had a drink, though I'm sure something will happen that will have me crawling back to it. But for now, I'm alright. I'm doing okay. Phai keeps me sane and busy.
He kept me busy all the way through summer break and Roxanne and Thais invite us to an orchestra for one of their class events. It's happening in a stadium event center downtown. It's right near the movie theater we all went to the day before Phai and I got into our first fight. The memories hit hard and I smile because at least I still have those. I remember that day and he still hasn't told me exactly what it was Roxanne told him about me and I'm not so sure why I'm worried about it now. I'm happy so it shouldn't matter. There's that word again...Happy. Where does it come from?
Speaking of Roxanne, I don't think I've spoken to her all that much since I got back home from that terrible New Years day. It was probably better that way. We were friends again but not in the way it used to be. Something about us still felt wrong, still felt peril. She was always up to something and me being wronged by her many times, I couldn't trust her. Until one awful day I did.
Roxanne rushed out of the dressing room in a panic. She wasn't even half presentable but she was glowing in makeup. She found Thais and Tolem out in the main lobby.
"Thais, we have a problem!" She shoved Tolem out of the way.
Tolem rolled his eyes. "I guess I'll fix my own tie." He muttered.
"What is it this time?" Thais grunted. Even she was sick and tired of Roxanne. "You've been behaving like a drama queen all day."
Thais turned back to Tolem helping him fix his tie and suit.
"Alex hasn't answered me. Is he going to be here or not?" By the look on her face and the way her fists were rolled up she could have stomped her foot like a child.
Tolem and Thais both chuckled and it sent her off. "What the hell is so funny?" She growled.
"Dude, you act like you two are married. Chill out." Thais replied.
"And let's be honest, you don't treat Alex all that nice." Tolem said. "So why should he care to be here?"
"That's not true." She believed her own lie.
"Bitch, please, it's absolutely true!" Tolem exclaimed. "You've put him through hell with your funky ass obsession you have for him. Do you like him or not? Figure it out."
"I obviously like him. As a friend." She rose her chin up high as if she just proved her point.
"Oh look, you fooled everyone." Tolem scoffed and Thais glared at him.
"Okay let's just stop talking about Alex, he ruins everything." Thais sighed. "Even when he's not around."
Roxanne was about to defend herself at the same time Tolem was about to defend Alex but then she heard the wicked voice, worse than hers.
"Hello ladies and gentleman." Olympias strolled in wearing a sparkling black dress. It hugged her body perfectly and she almost blended in with the walls in the dark lit gothic hall. She always appeared perfect on the exterior of herself and everyone would think the same.
"I'm so happy you were able to make it." Roxanne said a bit snotty but Olympias sent her a mighty glare. She wasn't expecting Alex or his mom to show because last they heard from them, they were struggling with inner personal problems or family issues and they didn't necessarily respond formally to the invite. It was always up in the air with them. But she didn't see Alex anywhere yet.
Tolem noticed Roxanne looking and mumbled to himself, "Like I said, obsessed. Anyway thanks for being here." Tolem addressed Olympias.
"Oh sweetheart, I wouldn't miss it." Olympias grinned deeply and then gave Tolem a kiss on the cheek as he was the only one who embraced her. Everyone else was terrified of her. Then she looked back at the girls. "Shouldn't you ladies be getting ready?"
"Roxanne's in crisis mode." Tolem chuckled again. "Have you heard from Alex?"
"I have not heard from him. But I do believe he's been out with Phai all day." Olympias appeared concerned but truly wasn't. But saying it she looked as annoyed as Roxanne felt. "I do hope the show continues with or without him." She chuckled gracefully but mockingly.
Roxanne crossed her arms and scoffed with a slight head twitch. "He said he'd be here. I don't really care but promises are promises and he's terrible at keeping them. Someone has to hold him accountable."
"Calm down. I'll give him a call." Tolem rolled his eyes while pulling out his cell and Olympias was no longer grinning. Her direction was at the girl who thought she could talk about her son like that in front of her.
Right as she said that, Alex and Phai rushed in, almost late. They looked like they were up to no good whatever they did right before.
"About time." Tolem said as he greeted them both with a manly embrace. He could breathe easy now. Roxanne and Olympias were hard to be around.
Alex turned slowly to the girls and gave a small feeble 'hello' after kissing his mom on the cheek. He then nodded slightly at Roxanne and Thais as if he still didn't know how to be around them. Phai just steered off aside with Tolem. Roxanne was slightly uncomfortable with three people already claiming Alex, wanting his attention. Her cheeks were becoming very hot and red, she could do without blush.
"You look nice Alex." Roxanne said as she rubbed his arm as if she was feeling the fabric of the suit and not the man. Anything to get close.
"Sorry we were late." Alex simply replied. "Couldn't find the right size suit."
Even Tolem knew that was a lie. If it were up to Phai, Phai would have told them "We were fucking right before we got here and we're not sorry at all about it but if you would like to know more, ask and I will give you more details." But that was exactly the reason Phai kept his mouth shut.
"Well I'm glad you were able to make it." Roxanne said before glancing over at Phai. "And Phai, are you wearing converse with your suit?"
"Looks like it." Phai answered blatantly with no eye contact.
"Did you not have dress shoes in your closet?" Roxanne now asked. "Or just anything more presentable?"
"I figured that no one, not one person, will be paying attention to anyone's shoes as we sit for an hour in a dark room." Phai answered with as much held back attitude as he possibly could. "Unless I'm wrong. Am I wrong? Because if I'm wrong I will go back home and change and probably not come back."
"I'm sorry that this means so little to you." Roxanne added. "Because this is very important to me."
"Hello! And me?" Thais glared at her but Roxanne's focus was only directed to Phai. They were two who just couldn't wait to get the chance to kill each other.
"Not everything is about you Roxanne." Phai clarified.
She crossed her puny arms and lifted a brow. "I never said it was."
"Ah fuck." Tolem and Alex mumbled simultaneously.
"But here you are taking so long to get over yourself." Phai continued. Lately it was difficult to get Phai to back down. He was loving the new him, just saying what he wanted to say and being the menace Roxanne always thought he was.
Roxanne bit her tongue and her lips became tight. She was thinking of a comeback but Alex gave Roxanne a look to step down. "It's not a big deal, Roxanne. We're all here and we can't wait for it to start."
She stared at Alex for awhile before giving in to his charm or whatever it was for her and Phai was just daring her to say something, anything.
"You're right." She gave out a deep breath before she smiled, clearly a fake one. "Sorry Phai, you look fine."
Phai rolled his eyes hard, noticeably hard. He was surprised nothing came out of his mouth.
"Your family is already here. I'll go with you to find them." Tolem said, noticing the tension rising. Phai looked at Alex, nervous for him, before leaving him alone with the rest of everyone he despised. Alex watched Phai and Tolem go through the double doors that lead right into the theater because he wasn't feeling brave enough to look in the more dire direction.
"Alex, you're acting funny." Thais snapped in his face. "Stop it. How does Phai tolerate you staring at him all the time?"
Alex looked up and his mom, Roxanne and Thais were just looking at him as if meaning to call him out on his strange ways.
"Um, you all look great." Alex said to change the topic but Roxanne grew even more embarrassed because her makeup wasn't even done and she wasn't even dressed. How could she forget or show herself to Alex like this?
"Shit. I have to go get ready. Come on Thais." She snatched her friends wrist and pulled her in the direction of the dressing rooms. Then she stopped and quickly turned towards Alex and his mom. "You know where you're going to be seated, right?"
"We can figure it out." Olympias answered.
"Good luck." Alex said clumsily. Roxanne and Thais were now out of sight and when Alex hurried to enter the theater his mom held him back. He growled silently and glared at her.
"We should go sit." He grunted as if that would simmer things.
"I agree. But you will be sitting with me. I don't need you sneaking off to be with Phai. Where were you two today? Why weren't you answering my calls?"
"We always make time to hang out because I don't get to see him often. In fact you should feel honored that I see you on average more than him." Alex snickered but it just came off as an absent son who hated his adoring mother.
"Try answering my question, just for once without a smart mouth." Olympias said hooking on to Alex's arm before he had a chance to walk away the second time. "I am a concerned mother and you make us all hate him!" She hissed direly.
Alex's face died and his body stiffened like he was experiencing stage fright. "What?" He knew she didn't like him but hearing it out loud made him feel a type of way. "What did you just say?"
"Oh there you are, shining bright. It seems to get a spark out of you one must demean him. Tell me you understand where I am coming from?"
"I can't because you're clueless." Alex said shaking his head. "You're seriously delusional."
Olympias glared at him. "Oh Alex, you shouldn't talk to me that way." She rubbed his chest as if to give him warmth and courage. "I love you."
"You can say it with more disdain if you'd like." Alex said as his teeth began to grit.
Olympias smiled up at him with pride. "I have no disdain for you. I'm only trying to help."
"You have a weird definition of what you consider trying to help."
"You're getting loud, Alex. We won't talk about this here." She said trying to save face as the servers came in and out of the lobby.
"We're going to talk about it right now." He told her as he guided his mom to the side. He looked like he wanted to kill her. "What the hell are you doing? Why do you always do this?"
"You would never understand." She expressed fondly and as if she did nothing wrong.
"Can you please not pretend around me? Everything you do is for selfish reasons." His voice was skittish and so was he. He didn't mean it or maybe he did.
"Oh honey," she leaned into him, close to his ear, turning her revealed back towards the room of people who had recently entered so that no one would hear. "Try not to keep your thoughts laying around. I figured if Phai could love you, so can the rest of us."
Alex glared hard at his evil mother before she walked away from him and through the double doors. They could hear the event already beginning. Alex just stood there for awhile, trying to figure out what battle to deal with first. There were too many in his head, to many to fight, to many to lose. He wasn't supposed to be good at losing. So he managed to come back from them and when ready, head into the dark theater.
Roxanne hurried in her vanity chair to finish her makeup as did Thais. They were rushing as the first performers were entering the stage with their instruments.
Back in the actual seating area, everyone was getting adjusted. Phai looked around because he hadn't seen Alex. He was nervous because Roxanne just had a way about her. It didn't help that Olympias was also a complete bitch.
His mom nudged Phai knocking him out of his thoughts. "You look handsome." She said sweetly and Phai only blushed and faced back ahead.
Then minutes later he nudged Callista who was playing on her phone. "Put that away." He whispered.
"It hasn't even started yet Phai, calm down. And there's like four classes before they go on. Also I don't like them so I don't care. They didn't even want us here and the only reason why we are here is because Tolem invited us."
Amyntor leaned over his wife and shushed them both.
Phai and Callista both started to laugh quietly. They haven't been shushed at for a long time. They felt like little kids again. Then of course they continued to whisper to each other.
"Hey, where's Alex. Did he come with you?" Callista asked him.
"Yea he came with his harpy mother." Phai insulted. He was either really good at insults or horrible at them because being mean just didn't come naturally to him.
"Typical." Callista shook her head as if disappointed. "Do you think she does voodoo on him?"
"What?" Phai was confused at the random question. "That's insane."
"I know right. Poor Alex."
"No, I mean you asking the question is insane."
"Maybe that's why he's so lost and out of it. Just think about it."
"Hello!"-"Hi"
Callista and Phai looked annoyed when Darian and his parents showed up. They were seated right next to them. Of course Phai's parents greeted their new friends as they shifted passed them to their seats. Phai's mom thought she was helping by scooting one seat down so that Darian and Phai could be seated next to each other. She had no clue they weren't on speaking terms. Phai knew he deserved that for never sharing with his parents.
"You look good." Darian said sharply as he shifted comfortably in his seat.
Phai slowly turned to him with a raised brow as if to say 'How dare you speak to me' then he turned back looking straight ahead.
"I tried apologizing and you turned me down." Darian leaned in once more.
"You didn't mean it. Maybe you should mean the things you say." Phai blinded him with his glare and Darian looked away. Everyone felt weak with those blue eyes making you feel like nothing. Then Darian sighed and peeked over Phai spotting Alex enter and take his seat, three rows back to his left. The second he sat his mom took Alex's hand like a child who was used to running away. A grin formed on Darian's mouth, wanting Phai to see what he saw. "All odds are stacked against him." He whispered to Phai before leaning back into his seat. Phai looked to where Darian looked and he saw Alex, as the blonde sat upright faking himself out for this moment, not to hurt anyone. Not to dare move. Just there because people who claimed to love him wanted him there. But Phai could see it, he was truly dead. Not just inside, just dead. Darian was right.
Olympias caught Phai looking knowing exactly who he was looking for and only winked at him before looking back towards the stage. Then the lights to the stadium dimmed slowly and left all who was gathered in the dark. The only light was the strip that came from atop the stage. Everyone became quiet as the curtains to the stage opened up and Phai had lost Alex once again.
There was no living for me. Not now. Not ever.
The Journey Home, Gedrosian Desert
The scout team returned and the men were thrilled to hear the good news. They were going to be on the way to Pura to meet up with Craterus and his men and when they arrive they will celebrate and triumph in a parade of festivities all the way to Persepolis. That was the kings promise to them.
In the mean time Alexander ordered the rejoiced men to rest for the upcoming travels and he went to rest himself.
Hephaistion hugged Ptolemy right away. It seemed forever ago that he left but really he hugged him because he was the only friend he had and to lose him he'd be lost.
Issus and Justinus had moved on, arriving to meet with Craterus. Craterus had sent some men along with Alexander and Ptolemy with food and water and more resources to survive the way back. Craterus had asked Alexander to stay in Pura as it wouldn't have made sense for the king to go back to the bright sunny abyss and Ptolemy agreed. However Alexander had debts to pay for all the people he lost because of his pride and would turn back for them without a second thought. That's just who he was. That's who he always was. He had no clue why he became anyone else.
"He will be alright." Ptolemy said to Hephaistion who he caught watching the king all the way to his tent. He couldn't hide it any longer. He still cared about Alexander in very much the same way he did when they first caught sight of each other. He had a desire to rush to him and make sure he was okay but they weren't the same people anymore so he kept the need to himself.
Alexander wasn't as cheerful as the rest, when addressing the men he kept a smile on his face for reassurance. The men may have believed that he was high in spirits but Hephaistion knew it wasn't possible to be. Alexander wouldn't wear a real smile for awhile, perhaps never. There was no going back for him, only forward into something they all saw coming. Death was a given but death was something all men sought for themselves. Alexander was moving into something more undesirable than death.
"You should go talk to him." Advised Ptolemy.
"He's exhausted." Hephaistion slightly excused but his friend knew he was mostly afraid.
"Which means he's far too tired to bite or bark."
Hephaistion chuckled to that. It's been said time and time again about how unpredictable the king was and Hephaistion sensed that it wasn't the right time. But his senses have been off as of late, since his journey to find the missing king. But perhaps it was the right time and Ptolemy as usual was right about it. But Hephaistion couldn't do it. He had not the courage to. "I'll try tomorrow. We should eat ourselves and find rest."
The curled haired general nodded. He then flung his hand on Hephaistion's shoulder and squeezed. He almost was hanging on as if not to fall or stumble. "It's almost over. It's all almost over." Ptolemy then took off towards his tent and Hephaistion just followed with his clear wondering eyes. He released a very mild sigh at what Ptolemy truly meant by it's almost over. Maybe sleep will come and the answer will follow. Sometimes rest was all that was needed, no matter how long.
Hephaistion turned away and headed to find sleep for himself and he found it came easy. Though it hadn't yet come for the King who stared at nothing and saw nothing.
The first class performs Beethoven, always a good opener. The Second class performs Ave Maria and the third class performs the Russian dance, The Nut cracker. The fourth class, Roxanne's class, performs The Phantom of the Opera, The Music of The Night. I watch Roxanne and she's perfect. She's graceful as she plays. One can tell this means a lot to her. One can tell this should mean a lot to me. It's a side I've never seen before. Only in my dreams. She somehow spots me, watching me. I can feel her sting making it harder to focus on the girl she used to be. The girl who used to play my pretend lover. The queen who hates me. I didn't ask for this as I drifted into my head again. Why I'm here? I have no fucking clue. The chamber of musicians hit their notes and the instruments sound deeper and darker into my head. The king sits and watches her dance behind a very large chalice of poison. Unlike the king I have nothing to cover my face, no mask to wear and suddenly its me looking straight into the crowd of strangers, friends and family.
I have something to tell them, I just don't know what.
Then it was over, as quickly as his dream, and Alex found that he was the only one sitting as the students were called out to accept their bows and applauds before the curtains closed. It was awhile before the room ended with claps and cheers. He was finally able to stand but not for the same reason as the crowd. He left the room entirely.
Later the guests all met in the lounge for some appetizers and dessert. Alex had disappeared in a bathroom on a different floor just for a quick break to himself. It was a private bathroom so no one could find him, not easily anyway.
He was staring hard at himself, wondering and waiting for Alexander to pop out at him any minute. Any second. But he wasn't coming. Alex rubbed his face as if to rip it off to reveal something else. His eyes were red, not from tears or stress but from the water he used to rinse his face all over. He left the faucet on. It ran unevenly like something was clogging the inside of the pipe. Water was his way of triggering the King to come out and play and the only way he could be sure he was still dead. The King never came. Alex dropped his head in relief, panting as if he held his breath the entire time. He turned off the water and went to dry his face with a paper towel. He had been gone way too long and it was only a matter of minutes before someone came looking for him.
He jumped a little when he heard a loud knock on the door. "Fuck." He cursed lightly.
"Come on, Alex, everyone is waiting!" Roxanne shouted.
"Okay, I'm coming." He said, like he wasn't in the mood to come out and show himself. He waited a while, making sure she had left, seeing her shadow through the crack of the door disappear and hearing the loud falls of her heels falter. Then and only then did he appear and engage. When he made it to the top floor suddenly his whole demeanor changed like he wanted to be there, specifically where everyone else was. His frown turned directly up side down. Cleitus bombarded him with the first hug and kiss. "There you are. Haven't seen you since..."
"You saw me this morning, Cleitus."
"Yea, well you know, we hardly see you man. You doing alright? You look like shit. Were you crying?"
"No!" Alex answered defensively.
"Well it looks like you've been crying." Cleitus rubbed it in.
"I washed my face. With water." Alex clarified for no good reason only making him seem more guilty.
And no one would have believed him anyway.
"Anyway has anyone seen Phai? I need the keys to the car." Alex changed the subject.
"Are you trying to escape?"
"Uh no. Just need to get my...pills." He lied. "So I will be right back." That was also a lie. And when he tried to escape he was bombarded with more of his friends.
Star came up because she hadn't seen him for awhile. She pecked him on the cheek, clearly being flirtatious. Then she handed him a glass of cider. "For you."
Alex smiled but it gave away that he was completely overwhelmed. The king had confidence that shined like a lump of gold in a pile of silver while Alex's confidence shined like a lump of gold at the bottom of the ocean.
"Looks like we have more company." Cassy said and all the boys turned their heads and stared at the girls giggling and whispering in the corner.
"It's like they've never seen boys before." Cassy gawked.
"Maybe instead of insulting them, you should go talk to one." Alex challenged Cassy with a sly grin. "I think I speak for all the boys when we say you need a little action in your life."
Cassy and the boys looked back at the girls once more, deciding who the best one for the job was. "Nah. They're not here for me." Cassy noticed no attention was on him at all which sucked for Alex. "I think they want you."
"I disagree." Alex cleared his throat, finally not feeling so brave anymore.
"Is it in your genetic makeup not to accept praise? Just accept a compliment for once." Phil remarked. "They're totally digging you. I mean that blonde hair of yours, you look like Farrah Fawcett and who doesn't like Farrah Fawcett?"
Alex looked confused, shy and upset. "Who the hell is Farrah Fawcett? You know what, never mind, I need to go. I'll be right back."
Then he scoped out Phai who was in the corner just being...Phai.
The pretty brunette was off to the side drinking some ginger-ale from a can with a straw and for some reason that was really sexy for Alex. He couldn't help but smile. Phai was so weird and though not as graceful as his ancient self, he was still as flawless as ever and always waiting his turn even though Alex belonged to him and only him. He could have been pushy and clingy but chose to draw back and give everyone their much needed time with the blonde. After all, they deserved him too.
The friends looked back at Alex who was staring with 'that' look. All men knew 'that' look and they also knew they lost him. He was gone. "Seductive music may as well be playing in the background as Phai runs his hands through his tangled hair." Cletius said giving his unneeded commentary.
"Don't you see him enough?" Phil commented trying to see what Alex saw.
"Don't you fuck him enough?" Cleitus added.
Tolem, Perdicas and Leon blinked at whatever was happening right now. Then it clicked in Leon's precious head. "Alex, are you picturing him naked?" He soon realized he said it out loud and then repeated the question with a lowered voice.
"No." Alex scoffed. "I'm just looking."
Cassy had a hard time looking away too, tilting his head and then back up along with Phai after the pretty boy dropped his straw, bent over, picked it up and put some thought whether he should get a new straw or not and then eventually shrugged and put it back into his drink.
"Gross." Phil said.
"He's obviously clueless as to what's happening right now. Stop staring at him without his consent." Perdicas said shoving Cassy and Cleitus. "Let's go act normal. Come on."
"I'll meet you guys downstairs." Alex said and once his friends had left he began to walk towards Phai.
"There you are. Did you eat?" Everything came to a screeching halt. Olympias interrupted seeing exactly where her son was heading and pulled Alex along a different direction.
"No not yet." Alex said, no longer cheerful or self possessed. "I was going to just check on Phai first to see if he ate."
"Oh he's a big boy, he can feed himself. I was just talking to the director and he's dying to book you."
"Book me?" Alex was evidently more anxious and far more confused. "Wait, book me for what?"
"Your singing, silly."
"I haven't sang since I was a child."
"Talent doesn't just vanish, dear."
This alone time gave Darian time to lurk. He politely excused himself from Phai's parents and his own parents chatting it up.
Darian found Phai who wasn't even on his phone, just standing there politely and preoccupied with nothing just finding the right time to engage.
"Will you join the rest of us downstairs or do you only belong to Alex?"
Phai grunted. Darian was contagious but it was not enough contagion for Phai. So Phai said nothing back.
"Look it's difficult not to be around you when your parents invite us over all the time. Eventually they'll find it a bit strange why I'm not allowed over or why you refuse to come over."
"You're right. I should tell them the truth." Phai countered.
"What's that?" Darian gave him a presenting smirk.
"That their son is a stalker and doesn't listen very well."
"And what if I tell them first that you've been coming onto me since we first met?"
Phai chuckled. "Are you insane? My parents wouldn't believe you even if it was true."
"I can be convincing."
"So can I. If you want to live up to your charming persuasion, you have work to do."
"I'm not trying to stalk you."
"Then what do you call this?"
"You're a special case. I like you. Don't act like you've never been pursued before."
"Darian, just go. Please." The conversation was draining Phai more than it should have.
"I don't want to fight, Phai. I'm just here to see if you want to join us to eat... instead of watching Alex and his mother...very closely. I guess I'm not the only stalker around here."
Phai shifted but said nothing, just stayed quiet hoping he'd walk away.
"They have a weird relationship. Don't you think?" He was pressuring him to say anything. "Cassy told me a story about them."
"Whatever Cassy told you is most likely exaggerated."
"You should know."
"I don't want to know."
"Bullshit. You don't want to learn why Alex prefers his mom over you?"
"No but you and Cassy should hang out and discuss why you're so obsessed with him." Phai sent him a polite smile. It was better than a punch to the face. Even Cassy was behaving himself.
"We're not obsessed with him. We're obsessed with you." Darian got closer almost overshadowing him but Phai wasn't backing down. He no longer did that.
"I know what you're trying to say. You can go now." Phai knew how a conversation like this would unfold so he gave Darian a chance to dismiss himself.
"Just hear me out" Darian tried another approach. "I get it. You are delicate but you're not helpless and I like that you can handle yourself. I know you've been through a lot. I don't need you to tell me to know. I just know. I don't know Cassy all that well but he thinks you need some savior to protect you. Your parents probably think you don't break the rules and you do what you're told. Alex's mother, well, she thinks you're evil and Roxanne thinks you're out to ruin her life but that's why they challenge you. I'm not sure why you put up such a fight for him. As I understand, you're not into anyone else but you also don't give anyone else a chance."
"Because those who've tried were out to hurt or humiliate me. I strongly sense that is what you are doing now."
"I'm not Cassy. And your senses aren't always correct."
"No you're not Cassy. You're also not Alex."
Darian laughed quietly as if it was some joke. "So when the time comes and Alex hurts you, what will you say then?"
Phai breathed in tightly, looking ready to lash out but he held in his anger and he wondered how Alex dealt with it. Darian was aware he was upsetting Phai but this was his tactic. To break him, to make him reconsider. "One thing I can't figure out about you is whether or not you're a jealous person. I saw you as Alex stole everyone's attention. You didn't seem to hate it. It's almost as if you love that he is loved. Like you've accepted that people will always be after him. But I bet if it was the other way around and Alex was left sitting out as girls and boys got off on you, he'd turn very angry and then you would have to deal with a very heated boyfriend. I personally, don't find that fair. Alex doesn't tell you things and that's a shock to me. Because if he did tell you everything about him, as much as you love him and choose to understand where he's coming from, you would want to end it for your sanity." Darian emphasized the last part. "Alex is dangerous and if you give him more time, he will hurt you."
"You don't even know him to be judging him this hard. He's a lot of things but he's not a bad person and he is working on himself. That's all I can ask for. If he hurts me along the way, I will be there to pick up myself. I wouldn't need you to tell me 'I told you so'."
"Suit yourself but I will always be here for you if you need someone to talk to."
And of course Darian heard the voice that everyone seemed to hate, love and fear at the same time. "I'll take it from here, Darian."
Darian smiled up at Alex but it took quite some time for him to look away first from Phai. He had stared into the defiant blue eyes as if he needed something to desperately share. "Sure thing but I was actually instructed to come over and keep him company by his parents. You were somewhat distracted."
"Thanks for your concern but you're still here." Alex stated as a warning.
"He's all yours." He arrogantly said as if handing Phai over like a piece of property to be had.
"I know." Alex replied in the same direct manner.
Darian sighed and then smiled before telling Phai to 'think about it' then he left and Alex watched him leave. He was just glaring at him like he was about to do something thus proving Darian's point about his impulsiveness.
Phai tugged Alex by the hand that was impossibly tense. "Just let it go, Alex. He wants you riled up."
"What did he say to you?" All Alex saw was red. Red was a bad place and Phai needed to break the tension quickly and quietly. It was exceptionally known when Alex had eyes locked on his target but Phai needed Alex to fall back on him. Alex needed to only see Phai to get out of such a trance.
"Alex, I need you to look at me." Phai demanded lovingly but strictly. "Please."
Alex eventually looked to Phai. His eyes weren't so dark anymore and Phai released a content breath. For very long and spaced seconds he was afraid what Alex would have done. Preparing even. He had to do that, go over in his head often how to stop Alex if Alex were to ever 'get there'. Since everyone is so convinced he's a dangerous person.
"What does he want you to think about?" Alex now only looked confused. Nothing else. It's like the anger never happened.
"He was saying what he likes about me and hates about you. He wants me to reconsider being with you. He's jealous so let him be jealous."
Alex chuckled at the last part. "He's been hanging out with Cassy or what?" And suddenly nothing mattered once more. Darian never existed. "Did you eat?" He asked Phai like a worried mother.
Phai shook his head. "I'm not very hungry." Phai would never admit that he was actually feeling sick to his stomach. That gut wrenching feeling of possibly losing Alex was hitting again. It cramped and churned and Darian's words were starting to get to him. Yes, he wasn't stupid. Clearly Alex was emotionally damaged. Yes he had mood swings and was potentially dangerous, but mostly to himself. Never once did Phai think that Alex would hurt him. He was only worried about whether Alex would hurt himself. "Can we do something after this?" Phai quickly asked as if to stop his own thoughts.
"Sure. But you might have to wait in line?" Alex joked.
They both looked over at the girls who all wanted to have a chance to talk to him for some reason. He never had that many people in one spot admire him like a celebrity other than his own friends. He did absolutely nothing to deserve it.
Phai laughed seeing him react to his fan girls. "They look like they want to show you something. I'll go ahead and get your plate ready." He patted him on his chest and said good luck, before leaving him again for all the girls.
Phai went down the large wide red steps and entered the fancy cafeteria where everyone was gathered. It was quite loud for such a classy place. He headed straight for the table where glasses and food were already prepared for the guests. He made one plate for Alex and none for himself. Then he remembered how much food Alex needed to survive and made two plates instead. But when he turned to go find Tolem and sit at his table, Olympias had approached with her eerie intent and picked up two glasses, neither one for herself but for Darian's parents.
"Phai. I hope you enjoyed yourself." Olympias greeted. Her nails were red and it matched the red carpet and the red punch. She looked like the devil.
Phai nodded as politely as he could. "I did. You look stunning by the way." He remained modest.
"I'm flattered. You look like...you." She blatantly insulted. "I hope you had a chance to speak to Alex. He was looking everywhere for you."
"I did get a chance to speak with him."
"Where is he now?" She asked as if to shove it in his face. Olympias knew where he was. She was the one who set him up. The reason the girls took a liking to him was because she had bragged about his singing and his piano skills to them. Like most mothers, she couldn't stop talking to people about her son.
"He's upstairs, opening up to strangers." Phai replied.
"Girls like that can easily sweep a man away. I can't imagine how envy of them that makes you."
"I'm not worried about those starving for his attention. I'll be the only one he'll be fucking tonight." Phai crudely responded. Intentionally. He can play the game too.
Olympias glared darkly. "Hmm, he does like a good lap dog."
Phai set the plates down back on the table. Then he really faced her. "Why do you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Treat him like an animal? In fact a lot of you do that."
"He's suffering. He's grieving. I'm only making sure he conquers that... sickly fear."
"I don't think you've heard this enough from the people around you so I will go ahead and say it. With all due respect, I don't give a flying fuck what you think of me. I will never care. What I do care about is your son and what he thinks of you and one can argue that he loves you. He doesn't hate you as much as he should. I know you love him too so I don't believe you truly want to see your only child suffer but I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for your late husband and I feel sorry for your son. You probably think that I'm a privileged brat who knows nothing, who has taken everything from you. Maybe you're right but one thing I can say and I have no doubt in my mind about, I love my family and I'm grateful for them and if I were Alex living amongst the devils who made him, I'd kill myself." He was in her face now. "Alex hasn't done that yet, and I am so glad he is stronger than me in that sense. I would not have survived in your care. He is strangling and suffocating himself trying to hang on to what family he has left. Sadly that's you. He has no other options. No one is working harder on himself than your son. I'm not letting him go unless he lets me go. So until then, I am the one stuck with you, not the other way around. Instead of trying to intimidate me or belittle me, which you no longer do and can do, enjoy the company, enjoy the food and leave me the fuck alone." Phai left and Olympias was speechless. He didn't capture what her reaction was. In fact everyone in the room may have heard it. But he didn't care. Again, he was done caring.
Alex finally escaped the girls and he was found by Roxanne, the last one of the night, to keep him as far away from Phai as she could. "Are you not going to be joining us downstairs?"
"That's where I was headed." Alex nodded, before clearing his throat. He always seemed to be in a rush to somewhere but never getting anywhere, ever.
"You know, there's more of these to come." She swayed, looking up at him cheekily.
"You'll do great at anything you do, Roxanne."
"I'm not talking about me. Apparently your mom hasn't shut up about you so now the director is looking forward to speaking to you about your future in music and theater. Personally I think you would do amazing."
"That's never gonna happen." Alex laughed nervously. "But I appreciate the encouragement."
Roxanne sighed. "What are you going to do with your life, Alex? I know it's no concern of mine but we want you to succeed and be happy. As much as your mom drives me crazy, she's right to brag about you. We all would if you would just let us."
"How about this. I will think strongly about it."
"Great. Just picture it. Me and you on stage together." Then she looked down not knowing what to seem to say but then finally just said it. "Alex you don't have to talk to me like we're acquaintances. We were best friends. You used to do anything for me. Not to mention I'd do more for you. You haven't been yourself for a long time, Alex. We don't know who you are or who we can be around you. You should let us in and I think you'll find that it's much healthier. You have plenty of friends and they all love you so maybe you should accept it instead of fighting it. You don't have to fight it all by yourself...Like now, you're barely making eye contact." She giggled but there was a sadness in her eyes.
He did appreciate the advice. "If I'm being honest, I don't think I'm going to live that long to find myself. I'm just trying to focus on one thing at a time."
"That can take awhile. But we're always here for you and you're not getting worse." She said to give him hope and gave him a longing hug. Then she pulled back still feeling that Alex was tense around her. "I'm not a villain, you know."
"I don't think you are."
"Yea you do. And how could you not after how I treated you."
Alex found her words comforting and he smiled. "I forgave you." He said softly. Then he cleared his throat once again not knowing what else to say.
Then she took his hand and he didn't expect that. She squeezed it to calm his nerves. "You don't have to be nervous around me but I need to know. Do you still find me attractive?"
Alex looked her in her black eyes. He was being cornered again and he couldn't talk for some reason. The dark skinned tugged his tie. "Oh come on, Alex. Just answer."
"You're beautiful. You're also smart and ambitious and able." He meant it.
She moved closer. "Be honest, if you never met Phai, and trust me, I'm not trying to get in between you two, would you be with me like we thought was meant to happen when we were kids? We used to play pretend wedding, remember?" She laughed at the bad thought.
Foreboding music may as well be playing in the background. "I...don't really know. I think maybe we could have worked out. But I don't remember us ever thinking we would be together..."
"I'm not crazy, Alex. We've talked about all of this before and you did want me. The problem is, you met Phai and since then you became weird with not just me but with all of us. It's like he's sucking you dry and you don't know what else to do."
"You told me to answer."
"I know."
"Now you're mad."
"I'm not mad, Alex." She assured him with a deep smile.
Alex wanted to believe it but he could see it clear as day. These were lies fed to him but her emotions appeared real. Maybe he was the crazy one and she was only doing what her heart desired. "I can't be sorry for him coming into my life but I am sorry for how I've made you feel." Alex truly meant it. He came off almost scared to tell her not knowing what her reaction would be. He wanted to trust her. He didn't want to be watching his back all his life. He had to be very careful around her. "He's been nothing but good to me. Good for me. If only you knew what he saved me from."
"I used to be so jealous of him even before he had you because somehow I knew, you always wanted him. And I know you're madly in love but as a friend I can tell you this. Phai goes about his days as if he didn't take you from me, rubbing it in my face. Everyone sees it, they just don't say it because they are afraid of you. You've just been out of touch and unpredictable. You're quick to anger and it scares us. I know a lot of it must have to do with the stress you're going through with your health and your home life. Trust me Alex, I understand why you are the way you are. But sometimes things that might appear delightful, are just not meant to be. I just want you to be happy. You say that Phai makes you happy but if you ask anyone, you're still not."
Alex didn't know what to say to that but he couldn't leave her just hanging there. "Look, Roxy, I don't know what he's done to you but Phai would never go out of his way to hurt you, he's not that type of person. But what I can say to you is that I'm happy that you're in my life still and that we are able to work things out. I'm sorry for making it hard on you and I know things won't be the same as they were when we were kids but I never meant to hurt you and I never meant to lead you on. If there is any blame to be had, you should blame me. I won't let you or anyone else blame Phai for anything anymore."
She wasn't expecting him to stand his ground. She then wiped away tears embarrassed to show weakness around him but possibly all part of her plan. He never could tell with her. "Um, you should find Phai. He's definitely waiting for you."
"You did a good job today, Roxanne." Alex said abruptly. "All of our conversations don't ever need to be about him or even me. If we want to talk, we can do that."
"I'm not sure if I'm capable of that but I'll try."
And without a moment to spare, the dark skinned girl stood on her tip toes. She had removed her heels hours ago and laid a small kiss on the edge of his lips. Alex didn't flinch. She had a hand hooked onto his forearm, nails clawing into the skin with a desire for him to stay put. The kiss seemed more appropriate than the actual thing. Again, he didn't shove her away or back away himself because these were good intentions. She wasn't hoping for a kiss back. It was a friendly kiss, a caring one that would go nowhere. It ended like it never happened. That's exactly what Alex told himself. He didn't react and allowed it to happen. He was doing a good thing, he thought.
After the kiss, memories of him as Alexander and his queen became more prominent. They blew up like a firework display and he remembered their wedding night. He remembered their first kiss. Their first dance. He remembered the way he forced love to her the same way his father would to his mother. He remembered removing Hephaistion's ring right after he left Hephaistion to Cleitus's drunken fists. The thought caused a jolt in his neck and he gently withdrew Roxanne's hand from his arm. There was guilt all over him, like he had done or was about to do something terrible.
No! He was not Alexander. He was Alex and he only loved Phai. "I didn't mean to leave him. I didn't mean to. You see, he knew about it. He was at my side when we married. He approved. I didn't betray him. Why am I being punished for it?"
Roxanne had a 'what the fuck just happened' look on her face. It was the strangest thing she had ever witnessed. "What are you talking about?" Roxanne looked scared at what was happening. Alex was ranting about weird stuff so she also withdrew herself, a couple of steps back just watching as Alex had a moment of insanity. His breathing was fresh and from the looks of it they weren't in the same place. He was somewhere else.
"Alex? What's happening? Are you okay? Should I get your mom?"
"I need to go. I need to go home." He looked up at her with tears. "I'm not where I'm supposed to be. I don't where I'm supposed to be."
"Okay, you're scaring me. I'm going to get your mom. I'll be back, okay? Just stay here." Roxanne said before turning to rush down the stairs to the basement of the building.
When she saw Olympias she quickly ran up to her and told her "It's Alex. He's not acting like himself. He's being weird, ranting and stuff. I think something is seriously wrong."
Olympias had no other questions and she excused her guests trying not to make a panic and headed towards the stairs. But Alex's friends were too loyal not to know something was up. So they also followed, in case it was something serious. When they all went to see what was going on, Alex was nowhere to be found.
"Shit, he was just here. He was going off about going home and how he's not supposed to be here. He didn't know where he was!"
Olympias took her phone from her clutch purse and called Alex right away but like always, he never answered. The friends checked everywhere and he was nowhere. In the building anyway. Phai had reentered after checking outside. Amyntor was trying to calm him down suggesting that he probably went out for a walk but Phai wasn't having it, and he instantly blamed Roxanne.
"What did you say to him?"
Everyone got quiet.
"Nothing, we were just talking." She presumed through his judgment.
Phai shook his head, not having it. "What the fuck did you say to him!" He yelled this time.
"I told you Phai, we were just having a conversation and then he just freaked out on me."
"Oh that's convenient."
"He disappears a lot by the way! All of us have seen it. He's not himself." Roxanne tried explaining but Phai just couldn't believe her through her treacherous eyes and Roxanne looked scared. Actually scared of him. It was clear he's never went this far on her.
"He can't be himself around you because you always have a fucking agenda. You're always up to something and no one here fucking sees it but me." This time Tolem and Amyntor had to step in. They never seen Phai so angry before. Upset always, angry never. Amyntor pulled Phai away from the worked up crowd and the poor girl he had just humiliated. She stood there in fear, acting afraid as if he was going to attack. Roxanne's father joined and hugged his daughter who was almost in tears and asked what was going on. She cried in his arms about Alex having disappeared again.
Tolem this time put his hand calmly on Phai's shoulder trying to urge him to walk away.
Phai chuckled heartlessly and that's all he could do as he was feeling a stream of many other emotions. He just wanted to tell her off and expose her for what she truly was but knew nothing would come of it. No one saw the lies or the deceit and if they did, they weren't taking it seriously. "Fuck this and fuck you Roxanne!"
"Phai go get some air!" His dad ordered sternly. "Cool off!"
"Yep, good idea!" Phai answered sarcastically back, did as he was told and left immediately and furiously. Amyntor then instructed Callista to follow her brother to make sure Phai didn't do anything stupid and then turned to apologize to Roxanne and her father for his sons behavior.
"Should we call the police?" Phai's mom asked her husband. She was worried it was going to be another case in him missing.
"It's too soon. We'll give it some more time." He said.
"Can't track him. His phone is off." Cleitus said trying to call for the tenth time.
"He said he wanted to go home. So maybe he's heading to the airport?" Roxanne said sniffling as her father was still confused as to what was going on. She started wiping her tears away.
"Home has never been home to him. No matter where he's at." Olympias replied. Her behavior was stoic. She was used to Alex abandoning her. "We're not going to find him. Not tonight."
"All of his stuff is still in Phai's car. It wouldn't be the first time Alex upped and left with nothing and without warning." Cassy said. "It's something he does where he just wanders. I used to do it all the time. He'll return."
"Sure he will." Phil scoffed."What if he wandered the streets and got hit by a car because he has these weird blackouts. With your logic Cassy, it's just something he does so all is good."
"It is just something he does and he always manages to find his way back. And yes, everyone is overreacting."
"I hate to agree with this piece of shit but Alex couldn't have walked that far in minutes. Let's be reasonable, he's somewhere close." Tolem said. "I'm gonna check the perimeter again." Tolem took off and Thais went back to engaging with her classmates.
Everything was alright.
"We can send out a search party. We have a lot of friends in high places." Darian's mother suggested with a low tone to Phai's mom, stumped by the situation.
"Thank you but let's give it some more time." Amyntor suggested. "I need everyone to calm down and get back to the party. Let's try not to freak out the rest of the guests who are trying to enjoy their night. Alright? Let's all go back downstairs." He ordered.
Everyone listened and headed back pretending like everything would eventually be alright. Amyntor, Cleitus and Tolem kept looking.
Phai ripped open the door of his car and got in. He wasn't expecting Callista to open the passenger side before he drove off.
"Where are you going?" she asked strictly.
"Where do you think?" He tried reaching over to her side to close the door but she wasn't budging.
"Phai, you can't leave as mad as you are."
"And I really need to find Alex so we all can't have what we want."
"You've always told him never to drive mad and here you are, mad as fuck. I know Roxanne is a bitch but I don't understand why you let her get under your skin all the time."
Phai just sat quietly still fuming. Callista was right. He was way to upset to be driving.
"Seriously? You're going to ignore me?" She asked.
"I'm not ignoring you, I'm thinking." He said with a deep sigh and a hint of giving up. Maybe on Alex, maybe on everything. "And I don't let her get to me all the time. Most times I never say what I want to say out of respect for myself."
"I know from personal experience that you can be very mean but if it makes you feel better, you should do it more often. Sometimes people need to hear it, you know. We need to know what you're feeling."
"Everyone always knows what I'm feeling. That's why I say nothing."
"Why can't you talk to me? I'm not seven anymore. And don't give me that typical response and tell me I wouldn't understand."
"Then I will say nothing."
She sighed and got in, closing the door behind her. "Fine. You're right. I wouldn't understand because you don't talk to me about anything and neither does mom and dad. I live in a house full of secrets and it mostly comes from you. Alex talks to me more than you do and I probably know more about him than my own brother. And honestly that's not fair to me."
"There's so much about him, you would never want to know." He didn't say it to be mean, it was just the truth. Alex is a fucking...blackhole."
"Are things bad between you or something?"
"No nothing like that. He's just...stressful sometimes. It's not even his fault so I hate feeling like this towards him."
She gave him a sweet look as if to tell him everything's going to be okay.
"People don't like to be pitied Callista." He said finally pulling the key out of the ignition. He handed her the keys and leaned back as to rest but really he was thinking hard about where Alex could have gone. Maybe Alex had finally cracked, whatever that entailed. But then he thought of two places Alex could have gone. The first place would be a place he could ask for forgiveness and the second place would be exactly where he said he needed to go. Home.
"Phai, I'm not just anyone. I'm your sister. You can trust me."
This is what Phai would have said, if he confessed. He would have said that he was raped multiple times by scummy boys and men and that none of it felt good, it only felt wrong. He would say that it took him awhile to distinguish whether it was something he liked or not. He'd say that when he grew older and matured enough to know what exactly it was that had happened that he was furious but had no way of channeling that anger, that he was young, and couldn't lash out, couldn't cry about it properly and so he'd keep it to himself. He may say that he told his mom and dad and the therapist that he was alright, that he had not been affected by any of it and that he hardly remembered what happened. But the truth is Phai got feasted on because all he believed he had to offer was his good looks. He'd say... "you take that away and I have nothing. In truth those boys were right. I was weak and I could be taken and no one would believe me if I ratted them out. I've been moving through life without anyone to talk to and without a soul. Usually I feel nothing. I fake a smile. I always feel sick. I swim and I shove my face in books to distract me from the outside world. I could live someone else's reality or fantasy and forget about my own. The problem is, I read way to fast and reality is quick to be back to where it was. So I tried fighting back and I tucked reality under my pillow and left it there. And some nights I take a peek and when it gets too fucked up I close it off and hide it again."
That's what he'd say because I know him so well. Phai and I are soulmates because we're numbed and stripped of our self worth in similar ways. We're both caught in an unusual identity crisis. He doesn't know who he wants to be and I don't know which Alex I'm supposed to be. Personally, I love diplomatic Phai. Wholly, I love warrior Phai.
Callista wasn't gaining anything new from her brother. She sighed again as he sat there like he was waiting for the situation to fix itself.
"I'm your sister. I would never judge you Phai."
"I wish I could tell you."
Callista nodded. "You can, you just won't." Then she realized it wasn't easy to talk about personal things. "You won't because you can't. I understand now and I shouldn't bug you about it now especially with everything going on with Alex."
Phai looked to her. Not expecting her to react this maturely. Perhaps he was underestimating her. But she was right, she didn't deserve for him to be so closed off to her. "Dad and mom wanted so bad to bury my problems for me. I have urges that I know are wrong but it makes me feel helpless. And I like not feeling anything. There is no pain, no pleasure, no hangover. There is nothing. I can zone out and think of my life before things went wrong. When there was nothing. Just nothing. I feel neglected and overwhelmed and I don't know how to handle it so I shut down and I realize that's what I'm doing to you right now because I am embarrassed and afraid. I'm sorry I'm being a dick."
Callista smiled shortly. "I like seeing you with emotion instead of you pretending you don't care." She didn't truly understand but she knew beyond what he was feeling, she would and could understand if he ever confessed. She then opened the car door. But before she left she looked over at Phai who was staring straight ahead with no means to say anything else. "Are you two going to be okay?"
"What?" Phai asked quickly not braced enough for the pain of the question. The question broke his heart but he remained still as if his life depended on it. If he moved tears would come falling and he didn't want that to happen. He was stronger than that. In shock he looked ahead and said "What the hell is happening to us?"
Callista knew Phai didn't like anyone seeing him cry. It made him uncomfortable so she said "I love you," closed the door and headed back inside. He sat for awhile. Going nowhere. He wouldn't even know where to begin to look for Alex. Then he gripped the steering wheel tighter and yelled as loud as he could. He was at his limits but he eventually consolidated his rippling emotions. He was usually equipped with better alternatives. He wasn't an emotional communicator. He was reasonable to a fault but today...
...he wasn't feeling quite like himself. How could he when I always just disappear...
Thank you all for still hanging in there! Thank you all to my most recent readers and your reviews! Also thank you for your love and support Lysis! I hope you're in until the end, which is near!
Eight more chapters and it's over. About time eh? Again I didn't mean to abandon anyone and this story is still really important to me, more than any story I've ever written, so if your with me still, hang in there and if not, I appreciate you taking the time that you did spend with it! I accept that people evolve and move on in life. We're not the same people we were and life has a habit of kicking us down until we get back up, but I assure you, the story is the same as I have planned it since 2011. I'm still in love with these characters and I hope the legacy of these two precious and flawed men never die. Thank you once again to all the authors still writing and going strong on this fandom. I appreciate your time and with that...
...till next time!
- Love Stranger