Chapter 13
Ash had turned 16. years of age. He was in the company of his mother, Mr. Mime the caretaker of the house, and his good friends, May, Max, and Brock. His lover Brendan was there in attendance as well and Ash couldn't have been more excited as everyone who he cared about was with him for that day. Only a week after his 14th birthday he had went to Hoenn on a new adventure and met three new people he admired; on his 15th birthday Ash was still in the Hoenn region and becoming an even stronger trainer. The last two years had been the best in Ash's life so far and he was excited to see what the next chapter in his life would unfold.
Now, two days past his birthday, his three friends had made their journeys back home, or to newer and greater adventures. Ash had shared a particularly long goodbye with Brock, the traveling companion who had been around him for the longest and the two had become very close friends during their time in Kanto, Johto, and Hoenn. Ash was unsure of when they would see each other again, however, Brock was certain that it wouldn't be long at all. May and Max also shared a long goodbye with Ash. Ash had spent a very long time in the Hoenn region, allowing him to make great friends with the two siblings, and now with their paths having diverged, Ash couldn't help himself but feel a little sad about having to say goodbye to the two. Max returned home to Hoenn, whereas May journeyed to a new region in search of new contests to win.
The single person from his adventure abroad that now remained with Ash was Brendan, his boyfriend. The two had made plans for Brendan to stay in Kanto with Ash while they were still in Hoenn, as a chance for Brendan to meet Ash's mom. While his mother needed some convincing, she was eventually won over, and Brendan was allowed to stay as long as he wanted. Brendan was even allowed to stay in Ash's room, however, to avoid any suspicion by his mom, Ash insisted that he place a futon on the floor of his bedroom; despite this, Ash also wanted Brendan to sleep with him on his bed. The futon would serve its use as a distraction for Delia Ketchum. The two boys were excited to spend the rest of the summer together before they eventually set off for some new part of the world to explore together. During the remaining weeks of summer Ash was eager to show Brendan the best parts of Pallet Town; he had planned to take him to all sorts of city landmarks, but the one he wanted to show him first was the secluded beach that he had been going to since he was a young kid. This location had a lot of sentimental value to Ash. Any time that he was in a heated argument with his mother he would run to the beach and spend the day sitting on the sand until he cooled down and went back home and eventually made up with his mother. Despite having traveled to two other regions in the world and all around Kanto, this place had remained Ash's favorite spot of nature. The texture of the sand was comforting to him, and in all seasons of the year, he was always enamored by the views of the sunset that he would see on this beach. To be away from all other noise and to hear the uninterrupted sounds of waves crashing on the shore was what serenity was in Ash's mind. It was a place that, as far as he knew, was known only to him, and he shared its location selectively. Gary was the only other person who he had shared the location of his special beach. While it did bother Ash that Gary knew the location, and that the both of them spent many days there together, Ash refused to let that ruin his love of his beach.
Two days past his birthday, Ash was eager to share this place that he loved with Brendan. After showing Brendan the Venonant Flea Market, something that him and his mom would frequent every summer, the two were making their way to the beach, walking through a thick shrubbery and a dense group of trees and other foliage. While Ash was able to make something that resembled a trail path after years of walking to this location, it was still an incredibly difficult walk to the beach that only the most dedicated people would embark on. As they walked along on their path, pushing branches and bushes aside as they were doing so, the local Caterpie, Metapod, Butterfree, and Tangela of the area were drawn to them, but watched from a safe distance; they hid in the upper branches of the trees and in bushes that were quite a few feet away from the two travelers.
"So how did you like that flea market?" asked Ash to Brendan. Ash was a few feet in front of Brendan, leading the way to the beach, looking back every couple of moments to make sure that his companion was following after him.
"It was great," replied Brendan, "although I've never seen such a high mark up on Lava Cookies. You can normally buy those very cheaply at Mt. Magma... so many of the 'Hoenn treasures' were way more expensive than they needed to be."
"Yeah. I guess I never knew that until I actually went to Hoenn and saw that stuff for myself," stated Ash.
"The ice cream was delicious though. It really was worth the wait," commented Brendan.
"I told you it would be worth it. I've been eating that ice cream since before I can remember. It's always my favorite part of the flea market," said Ash happily. He continued to push forward through the compact foliage, pushing aside all of the branches and leaves that were in his way.
"Hey I wanted to ask you something," stated Ash abruptly.
"What's that?" asked Brendan with a concerned voice. Both of them still marched forward.
"Did you feel like someone was watching us in the line... right before I kissed you?" inquired Ash, turning his head around to ask Brendan.
"N-no, I didn't," Brendan answered, caught off guard by Ash's question, "did you?"
"Ergh," grunted Ash with a little bit of discomfort, "I did feel like someone was watching, and it made me feel weird. That's why I turned around and kissed you. I thought that maybe it would make that weird feeling go away."
"Did it?"
"It did for a little bit, but I just haven't been able to shake off this weird feeling all day. I just feel like someone angry is watching me." Ash stopped moving slowly and moved his head and neck around to observe his surroundings. Brendan caught up to Ash and placed his left arm around him to comfort him.
"Ash, you're fine now," confirmed Brendan in a soft voice, "I'm not going to let anything happen to you while I'm around... and I'm gonna make sure no one comes near you if you don't want them to." Ash turned his head and looked at Brendan. He saw a determined and resolute expression on his face; Brendan's cerulean eyes sparkled with a strong intensity, one that had become more familiar to Ash the longer he had gotten to know Brendan. Brendan was eager to defend those that he loved, so long as they equally loved him.
"Thank you," said Ash, reassured by Brendan's words, "I'm sorry."
"S-sorry? Sorry for what?" asked Brendan, confused.
"I don't know, just... for everything," confessed Ash, "I always feel like I am relying on you to help me, and it makes me feel selfish. I always need you to help me, but I can never return the favor to you. I'm just hopeless."
"Hey," said Brendan confidently, "that's what I'm here to do. To help you. I love you, Ash. Your problems are my problems as well, and it'll never bother me if you need help getting through a rough time or feel uncomfortable. I hope—no, I know—you'll do the same for me one day and you'll know when I'll need you."
"I hope I can do the same for you, Brendan," stated Ash with slight smile and a wavering voice. Brendan did not feel reassured by Ash's words or his voice, and it hurt him; he felt his heart sink slightly. Those were not the words that he needed to hear. However, not wanting Ash to feel any worse than he already was he made a smile to comfort his boyfriend. He leaned in to kiss Ash softly on his cheek. Ash blushed and giggled slightly as Brendan pulled his head away.
"Where's this special beach you've been promising? You've been talking about it all day and we've been walking for a long time! I hope this isn't some prank you're pulling on me," teased Brendan playfully.
"No, I promise it's a real place!" replied Ash, "c'mon we're almost there, I can smell the ocean from here!" Ash quickly began to move again, forging a path for Brendan to follow. Eager to show off his special place, Ash moved faster and faster with each step, and Brendan struggled to keep up with him. As they continued on their journey, the familiar and salty smell of the ocean became stronger, and the faint sounds of waves crashing on the beach became louder and louder with each foot that they took.
"Just a couple more yards!" exclaimed Ash with visible excitement on his face. Ash push aside the last set of tree branches that blocked his path to the beach. The two had finally reached their destination. After standing still for a few moments to appreciate the amazing sight before them, the two steps forward out of the forest and onto the sands of the beach.
The beach was the same as it was when Ash had last seen it. It was his own personal heaven. It was a perfectly secluded area of nature, untouched by the rest of the Kanto region. A thick forest blocked any land routes to this beach, and it was located far away from any ports or shipping routes. The sand was soft to touch and the unbroken sounds of the ocean provided a sense of calmness and tranquility. Looking out from the coast all one could see for miles was only the ocean and its gentle waves making their way toward the beach; on occasion a school of Goldeen and Seaking would bob their heads above the water for a few moments, and pairs of Seadra racing each other would dash across the horizon. Flocks of flying Pokemon could also be seen flying overhead in the sky, heading back to the mainland or heading toward some island that was far away. The beach was so remote that very few, if any, land dwelling Pokemon walked on its sands.
While this area looked beautiful to Ash during all hours of the day, his favorite time be at the beach was during the hour before sunset; when the descending sun would cast golden hue onto everything and reflect elegantly off of the ocean. Ash and Brendan had arrived during the golden hour. It looked just like how Ash hoped it would, and Brendan found himself mesmerized by the view.
"Wow," was all Brendan could say. He intently out into the sea. "You found this place?"
"Well I don't know if I discovered it," said Ash truthfully, "but I've never seen anyone else here... except for one other person—and I never see any footprints on the sand when I'm here."
"Should we expect this other person to show up?" asked Brendan playfully.
"No... I don't think so," replied Ash, his eyes looking down at the sand, "at least I hope he doesn't. I wanted to share this place with you." Ash lifted his eyes and looked at Brendan with a smile. Brendan received the smile warmly. Ash continued:
"Do you want to sit next to me on the sand? Its been roasting in the sun all day and it feels so nice and warm to touch!" Brendan nodded in agreement and took the initiative; he placed his hand into Ash's and the two of them walked forward until they got to a spot only a few feet away from where the sand began to get wet. They both sat down next to each other. Ash quickly placed his head onto Brendan's shoulder. He felt the worries of the world drift away like a piece of driftwood floating into the ocean.
"It's so peaceful out here," mentioned Brendan quietly, "I feel like we are a world away from everyone else."
"That's why I love it here," Ash said in reply, "I would always come here whenever I felt sad at home... or whenever I needed to be alone for a little bit." Brendan nestled closer to Ash. Ash's hand was laying in the sand; Brendan placed his hand on top his boyfriend's.
"What keeps you coming back here?" asked Brendan curiously. Ash remained silent for a few moments before replying.
"It's so lonely on this beach, so I can let my guard down. It's like I... I feel free," stated Ash, "I don't have to worry about anything or anyone. I don't have to worry about how someone might judge me for behaving a certain way. This is the one place I feel like I can be true to myself, and it's because there's no one else here." Brendan looked at his boyfriend with a concerned look. For as long as he knew him he could feel Ash's struggle with his identity, but ever since they arrived in Pallet Town Ash's internal struggle only became stronger; and on this beach it felt palpable.
Both became silent for a few moments; their silence was only broken by the sounds of the waves and by the warbles of a flock of Pidgey flying overhead.
"Hey, Ash" began Brendan, still holding Ash's hand, "do you remember what I said to you back in Ever Grande City, before you battled that Morrison creep?" Ash took a brief moment to respond, trying to recall what it was Brendan said.
"I don't remember, sorry," said Ash honestly and awkwardly, blushing from embarrassment. Brendan grabbed Ash's hand tightly and he tilted his head toward Ash.
"That's alright," replied Brendan calmly, however with a slightly annoyed tone. "I said that we can 't expect the world to change for people like us if we don't stand up for ourselves... and that starts with accepting who we are."
The truth was that Ash did remember what Brendan said to him on that night. He remembered every word. Ash was ashamed to admit that he remembered Brendan's words because even though he agreed, Ash did not have the willpower to stand up for himself. Ash look solemnly out into the sea, his eyes lost in its deep blue appearance.
"You can't hide your true self and expect everything to be okay!" proclaimed Brendan passionately, "is it really worth it to keep lying to your mom and everyone else in your life just so that way you can pretend you're normal? Does that really make you feel better, Ash?!" Ash closed his eyes. A tear began to form and began to cascade down his left cheek. Brendan gripped Ash's hand even tighter. Ash dug both of his hands in the sand and slumped his head down, as if he was trying to disappear.
"It can't make you feel better!" continued Brendan, "I always notice all of the discomfort—all of the anguish that you're in. You can't ignore who you are, I see the pain you're in every day. You have to accept who you are, Ash... please."
"I know..." said Ash with a cracked voice and with tears beginning to stream down his face and fall on to the sand, "but it's so hard." Ash tilted his head down even further. An uncomfortable heat swelled in Ash's forehead.
"I wish that I could've just been born normal," stated Ash, "I never wanted to be like this."
"And I wish that you could just see that there's nothing wrong with being gay," replied Brendan back, his voice starting to crack with sadness as well, "it makes feel like our whole relationship is a joke to you sometimes. Am I... am I only here so that way you can feel some sort of satisfaction?" Brendan took his hand off of Ash's hand and placed it gently on top of his boyfriend's thigh. Ash tilted his head up quickly and turned to look at Brendan.
"N-no, Brendan, don't say that... please take that back. I-I love you," said Ash fighting the flowing tears to get his words out.
"It doesn't feel that way sometimes," Brendan said, tears starting to swell in eyes, "one minute I'm hugging you, and the next minute when Brock or Misty come by you jump away and pretend nothing ever happened. Do you ever thing about how that makes me feel? How awful that makes me feel? That my boyfriend can't stand to be seen hugging me?"
"I-I'm so sorry, Brendan," said Ash slowly as he was choking from his tears, "I didn't k-know you felt t-that way."
"I shouldn't have had to tell you. Didn't you ever stop and think about how that would make me feel? But it doesn't matter because I love you, Ash and I was willing to put up with feeling hurt in those moments because I know that you were the one who was actually hurting—the one in our relationship who was actually feeling pain, and I'm sorry that you're scared of what your mom may think about you if you were to tell them that you're gay, but I have spent a long time trying to help you accept who you are but you have never made any effort."
Brendan stopped to wipe the tears out of his eyes. He fought back the instinctual feeling to sob and heave.
"If you can't admit that you're gay then what am I doing here? I-I feel worthless to you." A sharp, stinging pain shot into Ash's heart after hearing Brendan say those words; it immobilized him.
"Say something, Ash!" pleaded Brendan, fresh tears coating his face, "why can't you say something... I've stood by your side all this time, hoping that maybe one day you would change, if not for me then for you... I've always dreamed that you would you accept yourself for who you were. I've held on to that dream for a long time, ever since you told me that you needed help finding yourself... but now... all this time later... I-I feel like I've lost that dream."
"Please, Brendan," cried Ash anticipating what he thought his boyfriend would say next, "don't leave me... I need you!" Brendan turned his body away from Ash, tears now flowing freely down his face. He breathed heavily, his emotions taking a heavy toll on him.
"I'm sorry, Ashy," he muttered. He quickly got up and began to run off of the beach and through the wooded area that they both came from.
"Brendan!" cried out Ash desperately, with a trembling in his voice. Ash saw the boy that he loved and needed more than anything else in the world run away from him. He felt as if reality had collapsed in on; he felt as if he stopped breathing and his heart had stopped beating. He quickly got up from the sand that he had been sitting in and began to run after Brendan. He made his way off of the beach and followed the boy that he loved. He panted as he ran and was quickly in the wooded area that led to the beach. His breathing was heavy and the tears flew off of his face as he ran. Ash ran with all of his strength and power, chasing after Brendan who had the head start. As Ash ran he thought of life without Brendan. He imagined himself alone and scared in a dark empty room with no light to guide him out. As Ash was running he tripped and fell over a tree root and fell down on the ground. The harsh fall to the ground knocked the wind out of Ash causing him to gasp and cough violently, trying to fill his lungs with air once again. He laid down on the ground for a few moments, losing precious time to try and catch up with Brendan. Ash summoned all of the strength that he had in his body and got back up on his feet and began to run again. He ran as fast as he could, past all of the Pidgey, Caterpie and other Pokemon in the wooded area trying to catch up to the boy he loved. He was out of the wooded area and found himself back in Pallet Town. He stopped and looked around, the town, searching for Brendan; he could not find him. The first place that Ash thought to look was his house. He used his weary legs that felt as weak as paper and began to run once again, this time towards his house. He hoped against hope that Brendan was there.
"I can't lose you Brendan," Ash thought to himself, "you're the only person who can help me."
Ash ran all across Pallet Town, brushing against and pushing aside the people in his way. He reached his home and burst through the front door and into the living room. His lungs were deprived of air and he breathed in heavily to fill them once again. His mother was the living room and was distraught to find her son like this.
"Ash, are you alright?" she asked, concerned at he son's condition.
"W-w-where is Brendan?"questioned Ash while panting heavily, "please tell me he's here, Mom."
"He was here, Ash" answered Delia a frown painted on her face, "he was really upset—there were tears in his eyes. He went upstairs and and grabbed all of his things and put them into his bag and then left. He didn't say where he was going. Is everything alright?"
N-no," groaned Ash. He took in a deep breath and ran out of the house and then headed to the docks at the south side of Pallet Town. He ran as fast as he could, hoping that he could make it in time. He reached the docks after a few minutes of intense running and looked out in front of him, searching for Brendan. Off the in the distance he saw him. Brendan was boarding one of the ships that was about to leave. Ash cried out to him.
"Brendan!"
Ash's voice didn't reach Brendan's ear. Ash ran closer to the boat.
"I love you!" Ash shouted once more. It was in vain; Brendan walked up the plank to board the ship. Ash saw Brendan leave him.