Chapter 11: You Can't Curry Love
Tenten had a high tolerance level for the absurd. She was, after all, a member of Team Gai, through and through. Although not absurd herself, she had two very absurd team mates. Well, perhaps she had her own... peculiarities, but never mind that. The point was, she could put up with a lot of preposterousness.
So as the play unfolded, she thought that she would outlast Kakashi somehow.
Kakashi was cool. He was hip. He was amazing. Amazing ninja should be weak against nonsense. It was why Naruto's Sexy no Jutsu and Harem no Jutsu worked every single time even against the strongest shinobi. She'd heard they'd almost beaten Kaguya with the reverse version of said jutsus. The Fourth Shinobi War could very well have been won due to utter nonsense.
And so, she thought, here, she would prevail. She might not be completely immune, but she had built up quite a resistance to tomfoolery.
Tenten had forgotten, however, that the former Copy Nin was also Maito Gai's eternal rival. Which meant that Kakashi had been enduring ludicrousness in ever increasing orders of magnitude for longer than she had been alive.
It was nothing to him to watch a play about anthrophomorphized animals set in a forest land that bore a striking similarity to the Nara-owned woods in Konoha, who chanted to each other about a brewing interspecies war between predator and prey while a sad-looking wolf called Agoncris pined romantically after a pretty doe named Ti Nadra.
He didn't bat an eye at the yodeling sea anemone called Amarilla who foretold that Ti Nadra would fall in love with someone who was already dead.
And it bothered him not a whit as the whole cast began to sing:
Stags and does, stags and does-
Won't be preyed upon anymore!
Stags and does, stags and does-
They will rise up on the forest floor!
Deer. Must. Stand.
Up to the beasts of prey!
Let the war rage on…
It's survival of the fittest in every way!
===/===
If Tenten had a scroll that contained hellfire, she would have rained it down on the stage and all the people on it, consequences be damned.
She'd tried asking Sakura in the past if Sasuke would be so kind as to generate some good ol' Amaterasu flames for Tenten to practice her fuinjutsu on and test if the conflagration created by a kekkai genkai could be indefinitely contained within a fire-sealing scroll, but Sakura had probably foreseen this exact scenario and nixed the request.
Tsunade's protege knew that Tenten had saintly levels of patience borne from putting up with her team mates, but if the weapons master of Konoha snapped, it was better that she did not have a scroll that could unleash a technique that was easily identifiable as exclusive to the Uchiha clan. That could cause, to put it mildly, a bit of a kerfuffle for Sakura's darling husband.
Many lives were spared that day due to Sakura's wisdom.
===/===
Tenten's eyes glazed over as the star-crossed lovers onstage started to frolic through a love montage. She attempted once or twice to stand up and leave, but Kakashi pulled her back down to her seat each time.
The curtains lowered, and a fifteen-minute intermission was announced.
"I have to go, Kakashi. Don't try to stop me."
He pulled her back down into her chair, again. "It's a mission, Tenten."
"This isn't worth all the ryo in this world. I will die if I have to listen to any more of this. Or I will start killing people."
"It's a very catchy tune. I think it's going to be a successful play." Already, they could hear the people around them humming the refrain.
"Kakashi," Tenten turned to him with desperation. Her face looked a little blurry to him, because his own eyes were filled with tears from laughing silently at her as she had become more and more horrified at what they were watching.
He leaned over and planted a kiss on her cheek. "Just a little longer."
The poor girl looked traumatized. Shikamaru's uncle was officially deranged, in Tenten's book.
"The story sucks too," she ranted below her breath, so as not to disturb the other audience members. "Just because the main character doesn't look conventionally handsome, the person he loves doesn't see him as more than a friend? Even if he's obviously the most talented and skilled fighter, poet, singer, dancer, and a natural leader - everything one could ask for in a partner?"
"That part sucks," he agreed. "What's worse is that sometimes, even if the main character is also conventionally handsome, and has all of the other qualities you mentioned, the person he loves still doesn't see him as more than a friend."
"Huh?!" she punched him lightly in the arm. "Are you doubting my feelings?"
"Who said I was referring to us?" he rubbed the spot where she had hit him, giving an exaggerated wince, "Ow."
Tenten covered her eyes, realizing that she had just attacked a former Hokage and her boyfriend. This play was insidious, enraging her beyond decorum.
She agonized about how she would survive the second part of this ridiculous story.
Peeking between her fingers, she saw Kakashi was still looking at her as if he was worried she would use him as a punching bag for the rest of the play.
She kissed his upper arm in apology. Even if his bicep was covered by the formal jacket he wore as part of the theater's dress code, she irrationally hoped somehow pressing her lips to the cloth over it would make any injury she'd inflicted feel better, because she certainly had no talent for medical ninjutsu to heal it.
Kakashi let out a small huff and muttered something that sounded like "So cute!" under his breath. His arm found its way around her shoulders and pulled her closer. She sighed, leaning her head against him. They shared some popcorn.
===/===
The play resumed for the second half, and by the end of it, her opinion had not changed. Sure, it was poetic, and poignant, and it was certain to become an instant classic, given the deftness in the storytelling and memorable melodies, but apart from the overwhelming absurdity that made her want to cry, the worst part of it all was that the female lead was utterly brainless.
It was probably because all her lines were the ones bearing the code utilized by Shikrabappu to convey his message to the Nara clan. Characterization sure suffered when writers utilized their creations as plot devices to move the story forward. Not that Tenten had any personal experience with such things, nor had she ever been subjected to the traumatic ordeal of a team mate perishing for the sole purpose of bringing another couple closer together, which was the main reason for the death of a certain genius member of the branch family, according to the creator of the manga himself. No, Tenten certainly had no hangups or complaints about what did or did not constitute essential plot structure.
There was also a bit in the play regarding a diversion using the moon, which could either have been adapted from the original play or a reference to the infinite Tsukuyomi, or both. Tenten nearly face-palmed as the next line she gathered from Shikrabappu's hidden code then assured them that the scene was just something he inserted for fun.
Overall it was simply an excessive amount of effort spent to assure the Nara family that their weird old uncle was doing well, and that he didn't particularly like shark's fin soup, despite liking mackerel and kelp, which were also Shikamaru's favorites. This was because he felt sorry for predators that could be left well enough alone for as long as they didn't prey on the forest folk which were under their family's responsibility.
Tenten could not make heads or tails of why Shikrabappu would insist on crafting an entire play to describe his current dietary preferences to his clan members, but this was the essence of his message hidden within the play, and Tenten would leave further decryption of obscure symbolisms and meanings for Shikamaru to deal with.
===/===
As people got up to leave the theater around them, Tenten turned and buried her face into Kakashi's chest, muffling a sound of frustration.
He stroked down her back soothingly, enjoying how the silky material of her dress flowed over her figure like water. Meanwhile, she enjoyed nuzzling against the firm pectoral and deltoid muscles on his torso that subtly defined the way his clothes fit on him in a way that was not bad at all for a man in his forties.
"Okay," she finally said, after regaining her equilibrium, "I guess I should make it up to you for dragging you to watch this fiasco."
"That's two hours of my life I'm never getting back," Kakashi agreed. He really didn't mind, but it was good to make Tenten think she owed him a favor.
She looked up at him, "Would you like to check out the festival? Curry's not my favorite dish, but we can see if they have anything interesting."
"Curry is perfect on a cool night like this," Kakashi said. "Which reminds me..."
There was a 'poof!' and Pakkun appeared on Tenten's lap.
"Report."
"I detected liquor in the curry served in stalls three and nine. I've told Rock Lee to stay away from them," the pug said. He twitched his nose disgustedly. "It'll take days to get the curry odor out of my fur, Kakashi. You owe me."
"Tenten and I will give you all a bath tomorrow," Kakashi promised. He looked at Tenten, who nodded, eyes large and sparkling. Pakkun grunted, appeased.
"Excuse me, sir, but we do not allow pets inside the theater," an officious usher approached them.
Kakashi felt loathe to dispel his ninken in front of people, who were beginning to stare, and out himself so obviously as a ninja, and was about to order Pakkun to dive under the seats and make a getaway, when Tenten gathered Pakkun to her bosom protectively.
"Excuse me?" she challenged the usher, "Are you calling my baby ugly?"
"Madame… that is obviously a dog."
"What?" Tenten rose up, shocked, cradling the pug in her arms, Pakkun giving the usher a half-lidded stare out of his wrinkly, short-muzzled face. "I will not be insulted in this manner! My baby is the cutest, most adorable being that has ever existed in this world, and you have the gall- the audacity- the nerve-," she took a step with each noun, causing the usher to back away, until she reached the end of the row of seats.
When she made it to the aisle, she spun on her heel and ran past the surprised civilians, outside the theater.
===/===
"You ARE the cutest thing, Pakkun, don't ever let anyone tell you different," Tenten set Pakkun down gently after making sure they had shaken off security.
"Aw, Tenten. You make an old dog feel young again," Pakkun chuckled. "You look very pretty tonight."
"You think so?" she was reaching out to scratch behind his ears when someone cleared their throat beside them loudly.
"Stop flirting with my girlfriend, Pakkun," the Sixth Hokage said sternly.
"Ohoho, she's your girlfriend now?" the dog gave him a sideways look, "No wonder you've got us running after her and doing her bidding." He ducked his head slyly under Tenten's hand so she got a few nice ear scritches in.
Kakashi sighed at the disobedience, which was Pakkun's way of teasing him. Tenten waved goodbye as the ninken 'poofed' away.
She stood up and beamed at the Sixth, "Thank you for having Pakkun check the curry. I thought you were mad when I asked you to do that."
"I was, a little," Kakashi took her hand and they began walking towards the festival stalls, "But I got over it. Lee is your team mate, and I don't begrudge you wanting to take care of him," he gave her a smile and she grinned back. "I wish someone worried about me like that."
She squeezed his hand, "There are lots of people who worry about you, Kakashi. But I promise to worry about you, especially."
Kakashi was quiet, as they began to enter the main area of the town where the festival was in full swing.
"From this day forward?" he suddenly asked.
"For better, for worse," Tenten responded on autopilot as she glanced at the stalls they passed.
"For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health…" his voice was sing-song, like he was reciting a children's rhyme.
"Till death do us part," she stopped, realizing what she was saying. They had attended a lot of friends' weddings in the past ten or so years. The spiel was rote memory by now.
His eyes crinkled at her mirthfully, "I will love and honor you all the days of my life."
Tenten felt like she was about to burst into flames, with no fire technique necessary. A smattering of applause came from the handful of people around them who had heard Kakashi's words and a few wolf whistles sounded out.
Tenten covered her face with her hands, as Kakashi turned so he could hug her, amidst cheers.
"Kiss! Kiss!"
She laughed in his arms, and he slowly released her, giving her a boop on the nose with one finger.
They both bowed in embarrassment towards the watching bystanders, overwhelmed with the attention. Kakashi led her away, scratching the back of his neck bashfully.
"I would have kissed you," he said in a low voice as they walked at a fast pace to distance themselves from onlookers.
"I know," Tenten replied, willing her heart to stop beating so quickly, "You're shockingly romantic."
"You once told me that I failed at romance. And I took it personally."
===/===
Lee found them sitting at the tables near the stall serving the mildest curry.
Kakashi was having the seafood set with a side dish of spinach ohitashi while Tenten was having the katsu version with a salad of finely sliced carrot and cucumber.
"Isn't this festival wonderful!" Lee gushed, taking a seat beside Kakashi and setting down his own plate of super, extra spicy curry. "How was the play?"
Tenten groaned. "I am never taking another mission involving Shikrabappu."
Children ran past them, singing loudly "Stags and does! Stags and does!"
It was a song that was going to haunt parents, teachers, and anyone with childcare responsibilities for years to come.
"How much have you eaten, Lee?" Tenten observed his stomach was already slightly distended, and he was looking red-faced and sweaty.
"This is my third helping! I can't get enough!"
Tenten looked at him severely. "Make that your last one then. You have to practice moderation sometimes, Lee."
"But Tenten-"
"No buts," she scowled at him. "You'll be too sluggish to travel tomorrow if you're too full. Aren't you returning to Konoha yet?"
"Oh, well," his eyes darted left, then right, "I have another place to be. Where's your next mission?"
"Hmm," Tenten paused, then said, "The town of Erlakripp, to visit the dance club set up by one of our former jounin who realized his dream was to become the eclectic Lord of the Dance."
Lee brightened, "I happen to have something I need to check in that town as well. I would like to visit that club with you, Tenten! Show support for our own!"
Tenten stared at him as he ate his curry with enthusiasm.
"I think this needs some salt," Kakashi commented about his dish. Tenten offered to get some, since she was also going to ask for more fukujinzuke.
When she left the table, Kakashi asked Lee, "Did Gai send you?"
The youthful man in green grinned at him, "He may have mentioned that Tenten deserved a chaperone during her first true foray into romance."
Kakashi resisted the urge to drag his hand down his face. Of course he had to be with someone who had team mates like Gai and Lee to protect her virtue. It was even possible that a large factor as to why Tenten had been single up to now was because of the uncompromisingly high standards they set for any man who wished to court the blossom of their team. Not many men were willing to go through the gauntlet of Green Beasts to get to Tenten.
"That's unnecessary. We're both adults."
"I want to make sure that you will not take advantage of her, Kakashi. She is younger than you and is your subordinate."
"We're already sleeping together."
Lee gasped. "So soon?!"
Kakashi hummed in affirmation, as Tenten returned with some salt, pepper, and the red-tinged pickles that went well with curry.
"Tenten," Lee confronted her, "Are you and Kakashi sleeping together?"
She sent an amused look towards the former Copy Nin, who was pointedly concentrating on his food, "You could say that. According to Kakashi, there weren't any other rooms available."
Lee frowned. "That is not true. There are plenty of rooms where I am staying."
Kakashi was completely focused on sipping his water as Lee and Tenten turned to look at him.
"He can transfer to your inn for tonight, then," Tenten concluded.
Kakashi gave her a forlorn look, but Tenten was firm. "I do love you, Kakashi, but things are going a little fast for me."
"You love me?" Kakashi repeated, for Lee's benefit.
"I… yes, I already said." Tenten felt her face flaming red, and the curry had nothing to do with it. It was doubly embarrassing to say things like that in public. How he had been able to say it earlier with a crowd watching was beyond her.
Lee was silently crying with happiness for his team mate's proclamation of love, while a perfectly beatific smile spread across Kakashi's features, showing in his eyes even if the mask covered the rest of his face.
"All right, Tenten. Anything you want."
===/===
Retrieving Kakashi's travel bag from the inn had involved Tenten first getting pushed up against the door right after she and Kakashi entered the room. Lee was asked to wait outside.
"Goodnight kiss?" Kakashi caged her between his arms.
"Erm," Tenten stalled.
"Oh no," Kakashi reared back like she'd headbutted him. "I'm so sorry, Tenten. You just said you felt like things were going too fast and here I am pressuring you… sorry!"
He was about to prostrate himself before her in repentance when she grabbed him by the shoulders to halt his downward movement, "It's okay! I'm fine, Kakashi. That was just… too much trope for one night. Kabedon, right?"
He nodded miserably, staring up at her from his kneeling position.
"We can try again next time," she promised. She quickly kissed his forehead, and pecked at his covered mouth for good measure, "Also, we do have curry breath right now."
He looked extremely relieved, "So you still love me?"
Tenten blinked at his hopeful gaze. He'd actually been worried.
So cute!
"… kyah!" she tackled him to the ground.
===/===
Lee kept his ear to the door. It sounded suspiciously like they were rolling around on the floor in there.
Kakashi exited the room, looking more than a little disheveled, just as Lee was about to resort to Dynamic Entry.
"Let's go," the Sixth Hokage said cheerfully.
Lee did not know what to make of Kakashi being the more chipper one between them as they walked to their inn. The man was even humming.
He was all for his team mate finally finding love again after so long, but he had never seen the former Copy Nin so… jolly. It kind of gave him a queasy feeling in his stomach.
Lee belched, and tasted the after-flavor of spice in his mouth. Or maybe it was the curry.
Kakashi's eyes widened when he caught a whiff of Lee's breath in the evening breeze, and walked slightly further apart from the green-clad shinobi.
===/===
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A/N: 3/9/23 Belated Happy International Women's Day and Happy Birthday, Tenten! She keeps trying to give as good as she gets with Kakashi, and it's a win-win situation all around.