Revelations and Expectations

by Kariesue

Will things go awry when secrets are revealed? And will Sheppard pay the price?

18. Chapter 18

A/N If you haven't read 'A Letter From Pegasus' yet, I suggest you do so before this chapter. It's just a short little ficlet but is important to understanding part of this chapter.

xoxoxoxox xoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxo

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"No, no, no, no, no! It'll be fun!" Rodney promised as the Lanteans settled in the den after a late steak dinner that Rodney had insisted he needed since real beef was so rare in Pegasus.

"This game is great! We just need some pads of paper for everyone."

John got up reluctantly and grabbed a stack of legal pads he'd seen in the bottom of Dave's desk in his office. Lucky Dave and Julia had managed to get out of this game to meet with their Wedding Planner.

Everyone grabbed a pad of paper and Rodney attempted to explain how to play. John wasn't really listening. It had something to do with writing definitions and drawing pictures and the only one who seemed to be scoring any points was Rodney. And he was pretty happy about that.

John and Ronon got bored quickly and started writing and drawing things that were either completely fabricated or unbelievably obscene. Carson looked confused most of the time and Teyla just kept shaking her head and rolling her eyes.

After a few hours of this and a few beers, everyone seemed to be getting punchy but no one wanted to call it a night. They all knew they'd be saying goodbye in the morning. The Apollo was scheduled to pick them up around 7:30.

"All right, come on, just one last round," Rodney encouraged and he tore off the top few sheets of his legal pad ready to start again.

"Why, McKay?" Ronon argued. "You've already got more points than all of us put together."

Rodney just smirked. "Yes, I know. That's because I'm actually taking this game seriously. I may need a new pad of paper after this round."

He flipped through his paper to show he didn't have much left. As he did, a folded piece of white paper fell out. Rodney opened it and looked confused then flipped through his pad again.

"Uh, Sheppard?" he said handing the pad over to John. "I think this is yours."

Puzzled, John looked at the separate white paper then briefly at the yellow legal pad. He quickly tucked the extra paper inside then folded the few sheets back over what he'd read. He struggled to his feet and tilted his chin in his friends' direction.

"Uh, … go ahead and start this round without me. I, uh … just need to …" and he stuck his thumb in the direction of the door. A few offers to wait for him to come back floated in his direction but John didn't hear them.

He limped into Dave's office, slowly turned on the desk lamp and shut the door behind him. He carefully sat in the chair and pulled it close to the desk. Then he pulled out the extra sheet of paper. He looked at it again and wondered how it had managed to get inside this legal pad inside this house.

It was a copy of the letter he had written to the parents of Jake Walker when he'd been killed. He remembered Jake and the incident like it was yesterday. It was kind of hard to forget even though he hadn't actually been there. Jake had been one of the two Marines who had been killed during the initial op to get Iratus bug embryos to save him from completely turning into a bug.

He looked back at the legal pad and cautiously lifted the few blank sheets to see the familiar handwriting underneath. He was almost afraid to read it. He took his time completely tearing off the extra sheets then very carefully tore off the few with writing on them. He moved everything aside, adjusted in his seat again and looked down at the handwriting that he knew belonged to Patrick Sheppard.

Dear John,

I know the last thing you'd expect is a letter from your father, but I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and realized there are some things you need to know.

I guess the first thing I should say, mostly because it's the hardest one for me, is I'm sorry. Yes, your father is actually apologizing for something. Enjoy it, son, it doesn't happen often. But seriously, I'm sorry for a great many things. The first one , that it's been five years since we've last seen or spoken to each other. And I know much of that is my fault. I admit I always hated the idea of you going into the military and I did everything in my power to keep that from happening.

But your desire to join far out powered my desire to keep you in the family business. And I have to tell you, though you probably won't believe it, that I respected the hell out of you for it, for sticking to your guns. Even with all the hurtful things I said to you, you never gave in. Never gave up your dream. Unfortunately it wasn't the dream I had for you.

So, here's the second thing I'm sorry for; thinking you should live out my dream and not your own.

John couldn't believe he was reading this. But it was his father's handwriting, no doubt about it. He checked the date on the letter and it was just a short while after he'd written the letter to Walker's parents. How the hell did his Dad get a copy of that letter? And did that letter have anything to do with his father admitting he was sorry in his own letter? There was still quite a bit more but John was almost afraid to read on. He took a deep breath and focused on the page again.

I never understood your fascination with flying and participating in the most dangerous activities. I always felt you were given your gift with numbers so you could help our company grow and expand. It didn't make sense to me that you would throw away that gift for something as frivolous as flying. But now I see that flying was just a small part of what you wanted to accomplish. You always were a very giving person, doing what you could for others. Now I see that you serve and give to the millions of people in our country not just the thousands in our company.

Another thing I'm sorry for is not telling you enough how important you are to me. One of the reasons I was so against your joining the service was my fear that you would be prematurely, violently taken away from me. I loved your mother deeply and when she died I felt like part of me had died, too. I thought if I held on tight enough to you I wouldn't feel that pain again. But I fear I smothered you, leaving you unable to breathe. I never meant to do that. I just wanted you with me, working together, being together, like families should be. But my methods only drove you further away and the pain came anyway. I regret that more than anything else.

I kept hoping and praying that you would come to your senses and see that the life I had planned for you was the right one. But it was my plan and not yours. I see that now.

The page started to get blurry and John had to shake his head and blink a few times to clear it. Anger and despair ripped through him, fighting for domination. His father had written this letter almost four years ago, why had it never been sent? He looked down for more clues.

I've been following your career as best I could, although many of the details are still unclear. You've made it all the way to Lt. Colonel and I have to tell you I'm extremely proud of you. You always had the makings of a great leader. You're highly intelligent, charismatic, practical yet not afraid to think outside the box and you have a loyalty to those you feel deserve it. I always knew you'd do great things, even if I never told you. I just wish you'd done them here, with me.

The last thing I'm sorry about is that I never told you these things earlier. I know I was very hard on you and your brother, probably harder on you since you resisted so much. But in my own twisted way, I did it because I wanted you to be strong. I wanted you to be able to survive anything. I wanted you to be a fighter and always get what you wanted. I guess it backfired because I made you stronger than me. In the end I know I'm the loser because I lost you, your respect for me and possibly even your love. I hope not, the thought of you hating me twists inside more painfully than anything I've endured.

I hope this letter reaches you and you are happy and well. And I hope you can forgive your old man for all the grief he put you through. I've always loved you, John and I've always been proud of you and I'm more sorry than I can say that I let my stupid pride get in the way of my love for you. If I haven't completely killed your feelings for me, I hope you'll consider at least writing to let me know you're okay. It's been far too long since I've seen my son and I miss you terribly.

All my love,

Dad

By the time John finished the letter, the paper was blurry again and now it was trembling as well. John lowered his gaze and realized his hands were shaking, the cause of the vibrating note.

He dropped the pages and clenched his hands into fists to try and retain a bit of control. It didn't work.

He looked down at the papers and several words leaped out at him. 'sorry', 'proud of you', 'stupid pride', 'stronger than me' , 'love you'.These were words he would never have guessed his father would have written, not to anyone and especially not to the screw up son who'd never done anything to please him.

He looked around the room waiting for someone to jump out and tell him it was all an elaborate joke. Except it wasn't even remotely humorous.

He spread the pages out, soaking up the image of his father's handwriting, knowing it had been far too long since he'd seen it. For years he'd held out hope that his Dad would somehow mellow and let his youngest son back into his life. And apparently he had but for some unknown reason this letter had never been sent.

Who knows, maybe his Dad had just written it as a kind of cathartic release. Maybe it was never meant to be sent. But the message was genuine. He didn't know how he knew that but he didn't figure his father was into writing fiction of this kind.

More words swam before his eyes, literally. He could feel the moisture pooling there, a few drops making a path down his face. He tried to squelch it but it was much too powerful.

'You hating me', 'painful', 'held on tight', 'regret', 'fear',

His Dad had died thinking he hated him. He knew how painful that was. He thought his Dad had died hating him.

'Twists inside painfully', yeah that was a good description of how he'd felt at the funeral. John looked down again at the last words; the little boy in him who'd so craved his father's approval came to the surface. 'Miss you terribly' and 'All my love'.

This time he couldn't even pretend to try. His hands skimmed through his hair then moved onward as his head lowered to rest on his forearms and his shoulders heaved in silent misery.

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xoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxox xoxoxoxoxoxo

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"You're all still up," Dave observed as he and Julia walked into the den. It was only eleven but they all had an early morning and he figured they'd want to be well rested. Then he noticed who was missing.

"John crash on you guys again?"

They all looked up, concern evident in their expressions.

"John is in your office. He has been there for approximately twenty five minutes," Teyla said and her voice indicated she thought something was wrong.

Before David could ask, Ronon offered, "McKay found some note stuck in one of these pads that seemed to freak him out a bit."

"I didn't read the whole thing," Rodney defended, "but the loose note was a condolence letter from John to Jake Walker's parents."

Very confused eyes darted around the room and Carson exclaimed, "Walker died more than four years ago."

Everyone else just shrugged and Rodney continued, "There was also a long, handwritten note for John. I think it was from your father." He looked at Dave. "I just saw something that said, 'a letter from your father' and I saw the words 'I'm sorry' so I handed it to John."

"John seemed bothered," Teyla told them, "and then he disappeared onto your office. We have not seen him since."

Dave's eyes grew troubled. A note from their father to John? It must have been hidden away as he knew nothing about it. Regardless of what it said, Dave knew it would be troubling to John. Thoughts of their father always were.

"Go see if he's all right," Julia urged but Dave had already started moving in that direction.

He gave a soft knock on the door but didn't wait for an invitation. He moved silently in and gently closed the door behind him. John gave no indication that he was aware of his brother's presence.

As he walked closer his heart constricted at the sight of John sitting at the desk, his head on his arm, the other arm curled over his head as if he were trying to protect it from falling debris.

Dave shuffled his feet and gently cleared his throat to give John warning before he put his hand down on his brother's shoulder.

"John? What happened?"

John gave a big shuddering sigh and lifted his head. The sight Dave saw scared him immensely. John's eyes were all red and moist and they were filled with an intense pain.

"John?" Dave asked nervously. He hadn't seen his brother like this since their mother had died. And John had only been fourteen at the time.

"What is it?"

John visibly swallowed then picked up several sheets of yellow paper and handed them to Dave. When he spoke, his voice was like sandpaper. "Rodney found this in an old legal pad."

Dave looked at the letter and started to read. He could hear John pull a few tissues out of the box on the desk and blow his nose. Dave's eyes continued to peruse the papers in front of him and by the time he was done, his vision was blurry as well.

He looked down at John who seemed to have pulled himself together a bit. He opened his mouth then realized he had no idea what to say. But John did. His eyes still filled with sorrow, his voice was barely above a whisper.

"He died thinking I hated him." His eyes grew moist again. "I didn't you know. Hate him. But I thought that's how he felt about me."

Dave put his hand back on John's shoulder for comfort. "Dad never hated you, John. I told you that. And that he regretted what happened."

John glanced at the hand on his shoulder then up at his brother. "I know you did. I wasn't sure I always believed you."

John let out another huge sigh. "He never mailed this letter. I would have written back, you know. Even come to see him eventually if I was back on Earth."

Dave put the letter back on the desk and John noticed the white paper next to it. He picked it up.

"This was tucked inside the legal pad next to Dad's letter. Any idea how he got it?"

Dave read the letter and grew puzzled. He looked at the date and the heading and his mind started going back in time. Little tidbits of information started to surface and come together to resemble pieces of a puzzle. Dave's eyes roamed over the letter again then moved back to John.

"We have a Wayne Walker in Accounting. Now I'm not sure if this is related but I do remember that a few years back he took almost a week off for his cousin's funeral. He'd been a Marine killed in the line of duty. I remember that specifically because I'd thought of you and wondered if someday we'd get a message to that effect. I wonder if he gave this to Dad because now that I think about it, that was right about the time he gave Wayne a promotion. Nothing big but I was curious because even though the man was a good worker, I didn't remember him standing out enough for Dad to step in and promote him."

"But if Dad had this," Dave indicated the paper, "and it seems he did, the fact that Walker's cousin saved your life … yeah I could see Dad doing something like that. A subtle 'thank you' so to speak."

"So Dad probably wrote this because he realized I'd almost died," John surmised.

Dave shook his head. "The letter may have spurred him on but you know Dad, he wasn't the type for platitudes. He wouldn't write something he didn't mean, especially emotion filled stuff like that, no way."

John nodded and agreed, "I know." He leaned over and rubbed his hands over his eyes then scrubbed his face then his hands went up to run through his hair.

"Sorry I'm such a nut case lately. When you brought me here I bet you didn't realize one of your jobs would be to mop me up off the floor every now and then."

Dave's mouth quirked into a slight grin. "I don't mind. I find I'm getting better at this mopping thing. And I've got a woman moving in with me permanently. From what I hear, they need mopping up quite often."

John snickered. "Are you saying I'm as bad as a woman?"

"Of course not," Dave denied but made an exaggerated face.

John swatted at him then said seriously, "Thanks for checking on me. Sorry to keep you up so late. I know it's an early morning tomorrow."

"Well, you've got friends out there that are very concerned about you. And they don't seem to care what time it is."

John looked over to the door then back to Dave. "Um … can you tell them I'll see them in the morning? I … uh … don't …"

"Yeah, I'll tell them," Dave finished for him. "Take your time. And John … if you need to talk … Just know that … Julia's really good at that sort of thing."

Twin grins showed up on the face of each brother as Dave moved toward the door leaving John to pick up the letter and read it again.

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Five sets of eyes landed on Dave as he walked back into the den, all concerned and curious.

"Is he okay?" Julia was the first to ask.

Dave gave a shrug and a nod. "Yeah, he just needs a little time right now. He said he'd see you all in the morning."

Rodney looked confused. "What was …?" then he stopped, actually realizing maybe the matter wasn't any of his business. But, damn it, John was his friend and he didn't like to see him hurting.

Dave gave a small smile and informed them, "It was a letter our Dad apparently wrote to John about four years ago. For some reason it never got mailed."

His eyes roamed the room. "I wish it had. It would have eliminated an awful lot of pain and misunderstanding."

Silence followed until Carson stood up and announced he was heading to bed since Ellis was picking them up quite early in the morning.

Rodney stood up too and finished, "Yeah, and he doesn't like to be kept waiting."

Everyone started to disperse and Dave and Julia locked up. They intercepted Teyla as she came out of the bathroom.

"Can you just listen for him?" Dave requested. "You know, in case he needs anything … or anyone … during the night."

"As he did last night," Teyla replied.

"Is that why you two were wrapped up on the recliner this morning?" Julia questioned.

"Yes, I felt his distress during a nightmare and sat up with him for a short while. He did not wish to return to his bed, so I offered to keep him company while he watched a movie. I fear I fell asleep very soon after. However he seemed to rest more peacefully after that."

Dave smiled. "He had you in his arms. I'm sure that helped."

Teyla bowed her head. "I will listen for him. Good night."

Dave and Julia went upstairs and Teyla moved toward the office door. She closed her eyes and concentrated on the person behind it. The barrage of emotion almost overwhelmed her. Sadness, regret, loss, relief all swirled together in a maelstrom of feelings she knew would be too difficult for John to handle alone.

But he had requested time and she would give it to him. He was a proud man and would not want others to see him weak. She hoped he would someday realize the ability to feel emotions was a gift, one that he should openly accept and share.

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xoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxox xoxoxoxoxo

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Teyla's eyes fluttered open and she realized she'd fallen asleep. She hadn't meant to. She had been listening for John and had drifted off before she heard him. She looked at the clock. It was only slightly after midnight. She had not been asleep long.

She slipped out of bed and silently opened her door. John's door was slightly ajar and a small bedside light glowed softly showing Teyla that John was not in his bed. The rest of the house was dark so Teyla tapped lightly and entered the room calling, "John?"

As she moved into the room she could immediately see that he wasn't there but the sliding door to outside was open. She padded across the porch and down the patio where the glow of moonlight illuminated John's figure.

He was sitting in the grass in the middle of the yard where they had played football earlier; where John and Teyla and Torren had rolled the ball around several months back.

As she approached, John lifted his head and whispered, "Hi Teyla."

Teyla stopped a foot behind him and said, "How did you know it was me?"

He cocked his head to one side and replied, "I could smell you. You always smell amazing."

Teyla smiled and kneeled down behind him, wrapping her arms around his bare torso. She inhaled his scent and her hands moved of their own accord to frolic in the hair on his chest. Teyla saw he had on a pair of dark, cotton pajama pants so he must have been ready for bed.

"Could you not sleep?"

John leaned back further into Teyla and put his hands on her arms. He shook his head and said, "I'm sorry I didn't say goodnight to everyone. I should have. You're all leaving in the morning. I just um … I, uh …"

"It is all right, John," Teyla said softly next to his ear and she leaned closer to kiss his cheek.

He moved his head and skimmed his lips on her cheek as well. He shifted in place, tugged on her arms and moved her to kneel in front of him so they were facing each other. He noticed she didn't have the usual pajamas but these were even more enticing. It was a silky, knee length nightgown with tiny little straps and almost no back to speak of.

He lifted his eyebrow at Teyla as he acknowledged the new nightwear and her own brow rose in response. John's hands moved up to frame her face and Teyla rested hers on his chest. Their lips moved together as if pulled by a magnet.

The kiss was soft and gentle and spoke of caring and comfort. Their lips moved slowly, learning and remembering the taste and feel of the other. This slow, sweet melody lasted for several songs but Teyla felt at once the change in John. She knew when the realization hit that she would be returning home in the morning, leaving him alone again, missing her.

His hands pushed into her hair holding her tighter to him. His lips moved quicker, almost urgent in their conquest of her mouth. Her heart beat quicker and her breathing intensified, matching his.

One of John's hands moved down Teyla's exposed back, scorching a path across her skin. He started leaning back, pulling her with him and in seconds he could feel the grass on his back and the weight of Teyla on his chest.

He rolled to his side, his arms still around her, his lips still demanding her response. He continued rolling and when he was looking down at Teyla his hands grasped hers and positioned them above her head.

He held himself up on his forearms so as not to put his full weight on her. He paused briefly and looked down into her eyes that were filled with fire and passion. His breathing picked up and he lowered his head again.

"Teyla!" erupted from his mouth just seconds before it plundered hers again.

Teyla held tight the hands that held her firmly in place as her tongue peeked out to get a better taste of John. A groan came from John's throat as his tongue clashed with hers. John's lips and tongue strayed and left a trail of moisture across Teyla's cheek and down her neck. Her chin lifted and her back arched as John journeyed across to her shoulder.

His hands left hers and he pushed himself up slightly to gaze down at the sensual bundle beneath him. Her lids were heavy and her chest was heaving and John's own ardor was stoked even higher.

John pushed aside the ribbon on her shoulder releasing her breast from its silky prison. When he'd done the same for its partner he lowered his head close but not quite touching her. Teyla breathed out his name and arched her back again pushing her chest closer to his lips. He accepted the invitation.

His fingers decided to explore first, skimming the mounds and teasing the tantalizing peaks. Teyla's breathing grew ragged and John felt her legs part and slide around his hips. His tongue darted out and touched her nipple and at her indrawn breath he moved closer and suckled the whole thing into his mouth.

Teyla tensed, one hand on his head to keep him close, the other running down the heated skin of his back as her pelvis tilted to grind into his. His mouth continued its ministrations on one peak then moved to conquer the other.

He felt Teyla's thighs rubbing against his hips and he allowed one hand the pleasure of roaming the length of her velvety leg. Down the outside then up the inside. When he reached the top, Teyla rotated her hip and a gasp escaped her lips.

John tore his mouth from Teyla's chest, pulled back slightly and tried to reign in his desire and exercise some control. He had promised himself he wouldn't do this; not during this trip anyway. But it was very difficult with a half-naked Teyla lying under him, her hands exploring his backside underneath the waistband of his bottoms.

He lowered his forehead to touch hers and pressed his lips gently to her lips. He could tell she was on the edge and knew it would be cruel to stop right here, for her at least. Okay, for him, too, but he didn't care about himself. And there was still the little matter of untested appendages and not rushing things, not to mention the fact that they had no birth control nearby.

He didn't ever want Teyla by default. He wanted her to know, in no uncertain terms, that he wanted and needed her, not just an available body. But looking down at the quivering goddess below him, he knew he had to do something to finish this for her.

He lowered his head and trailed his tongue and his lips across the bare skin of her torso then across the silk of her nightgown where they could feel the soft skin underneath.

Her knees were on either side of him so he sat back and allowed his hands to glide over her legs from ankles to hips. The bottom of her nightgown was pooled in her lap and John snuck his hands underneath to continue to caress her skin.

When his hands skimmed her hips a groan escaped his lips. "Let me guess, Julia talked you into buying these."

The small patches of lace barely covering her were attached at the hips by little silky ribbons.

"She suggested them but I knew you would like them. You seem to have a fascination with untying knots," Teyla panted.

John choked out a strangled laugh. Teyla was still squirming under him so his fingers pulled on the tiny bows, removing the last impediment. He arranged himself next to Teyla and pressed teeny kisses on her lips. His free hand journeyed from her naval to her right hip, down one leg and up the other. Then it floated back toward her stomach only to head due south.

When his hand nestled in the patch of curls, Teyla opened for him. He found her moist and ready center and a few strokes of his fingers had her completely unable to focus on kissing him, soft moans floating from her throat.

His lips traveled south as well and alternated between her golden mounds. John's fingers were on their own journey, in, out, around, back in and out. Teyla was whimpering frantically now as her hips gyrated with the rhythm of John's fingers. She had one hand in John's hair and the other grasped a handful of grass.

John clamped his lips over Teyla's, attempting to muffle her cry as she went over the edge and her body convulsed in pleasure. When her body stopped its spasm she turned toward John and buried her face in his chest. His arms wrapped around her and held her tight as several aftershocks rippled through her.

It took a few minutes for Teyla's mind to function again but when it did she said, still breathless, "John, you did not have enjoyment as well."

A sensual smile came to John's face as he kissed her nose. "I enjoyed that very much. Seeing you fall apart in my hands; that was incredible."

"But …" Teyla looked confused so John explained.

"I said I wanted to go slow and I said I wanted to wait but I got you so riled up I knew it wouldn't be fair to just shut down on you. But I still want things to be perfect, not just a quick roll in the hay." He looked at the grass all around him. "Literally."

"The most important thing to me, Teyla, is that you know I want and need you. I need your intelligence, your humor, your patience, your forgiveness, your comfort and most of all your friendship. I don't ever want you to think our relationship is only based on sexual pleasure. I need you for so much more than that. Do you understand? I've screwed up every relationship I've ever been in. I don't want to do that to us."

"I understand, John. I also wish our relationship to be based on more than sexual need."

Her eyebrow rose and her hand dropped to stroke his chest. "But it would be permissible to quench our sexual thirsts on occasion, would it not?"

John chuckled, "Absolutely! And I have a feeling I'm gonna be quite thirsty. But tonight was for you." He kissed the tip of her nose again.

She tilted her head and her lips met his for a brief embrace. "Thank you, John."

John pulled her closer and felt her skin growing cool. He pulled her to a sitting position and helped her adjust her nightgown back into place.

Teyla held John's arm as they walked back to the house.

"Would you be comfortable discussing the letter you found from your father?" Teyla asked as they closed the slider screen behind them.

"Would you like to read it?" John asked as he squeezed her tightly to his side.

Teyla smiled that he would trust her enough to allow it. "Only if you wish me to."

"You should probably get some sleep," John suggested. "You could read it in the morning if you've got enough time. But right now you should already be sleeping."

"As should you," Teyla pointed out.

One side of John's mouth curled up. "I don't imagine I'll get much sleep tonight."

Teyla moved toward him and touched his face. "Would you like me to stay with you tonight? To provide the comfort and friendship you require?"

John's smile was filled with relief. "I'd like that very much."

He gave Teyla a quick kiss then climbed into his bed and held the covers up for her to follow. A few minutes later Teyla had finished reading Patrick Sheppard's letter and she leaned back against John.

"I can see why you were distraught earlier. It cannot be easy imagining that a parent had negative feelings for you."

"And then finding out that he really loved you and was proud of you. The thing that upsets me the most is we wasted so many years mad at each other and he died with everything unresolved. I hate that he thought I didn't love him. I did, you know."

"Does your religion not believe in a hereafter where you are all-knowing with your father in heaven?"

"Well, yeah, but …"

Teyla put her fingers up to John's lips. "Then you must believe your father is up in heaven looking down on you, very much aware that he truly had a loving son."

John gave a quiet chuckle. "You better watch out or Father Cleary will have you leading a mission to convert the Wraith."

John reached over and turned off the small bedside lamp and slid under the covers. Teyla snuggled next to him, her head on his chest, his arms wrapped around her. This felt so good and so right, John knew being with Teyla was a good decision. But it would be far too long before she would be with him again.

He pressed his lips to her hair and whispered, "I don't want you to go."

Teyla rubbed her hand up his chest to his jaw. "I will be right here, all night."

John knew he'd have to content himself with that because he knew wanting wouldn't get him anywhere. He closed his eyes and dreamed of the time that he could return to Atlantis and having Teyla in his arms could be a nightly routine.

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xoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxo

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Teyla awoke with something tickling her nose. She moved to scratch it and felt John's chest under her hand. Her eyes opened and she remembered last night. Her cheeks flamed as she recalled what they had done. Or what John had done to her. If that was any indication of what she could expect once he got back to Atlantis … her body shivered at the thought.

But this morning she was leaving to go back there and John wasn't. The thought made her heart ache in ways it had not before.

Her hand started exploring the terrain it had been resting on, memorizing every inch of skin, knowing it would be far too long before it could play there again. She'd often fantasized about running her fingers through the hair on his chest, following it down the center of his abdomen and traversing the rim of his naval where it bordered that feature. And here she was, living that fantasy.

John had always had a nice chest, although she'd rarely seen it as he wasn't one to prance around with his shirt off. She noticed that a good number of the Marines preferred sparring bare-chested, strutting their well-defined muscles for all to see. It was not something that easily impressed her.

She'd seen Ronon's muscles for many years and was a bit desensitized by now. But she had to admit that John's chest had a bit more definition than it had before. Most likely from the five months of intense physical training.

As her hand explored and her eyes feasted, she noticed the path of hair continued its descent under John's waistband. Her hand started following, knowing it probably ended near the bulge in John's pajama bottoms.

Her fingers anticipated their conquest but a strangled, "Teyla!" stopped their quest.

"What are you doing?" John managed to get out through clenched teeth.

"Are we not explorers?" Teyla answered with no small amount of cheek. "I am exploring."

Short little breaths punctuated John's words. "You … need … to … stop." Then he added, "Please."

"Very well," Teyla pouted but gave one last caress before her hand retreated. She moved onto her back and teased, "If you do not enjoy my touch."

John followed her movement and levered himself above her. "Oh, you know that's not true. But I'm gonna have a hard enough time trying to concentrate on my therapy with the picture of you from last night stuck in my head. I don't need even more memories to keep me distracted."

Teyla reached up to touch his face. "And I am trying to retain as many memories as I am able to take back with me and get me through the remaining time before we can be together."

"I understand that," John nodded and kissed her soundly again. When things started heating up, John reluctantly pushed away. He sat up and pulled her to sit with her back tight against him. His arms were around her and his chin rested on her shoulder.

"You're addicting, Teyla. You know that. I'm just making this one less thing I need to recover from."

His arms tightened and his lips moved to the side of her neck. "But I'll tell you right now, when you come back, I'm tossing that control right out the window. So be warned."

"The waiting will be agony but as I have waited six years for this, I am sure I can endure one more month."

"Six years, huh?" John's voice grew humorous. "That long since you've wanted to … you know … do it."

Teyla turned her head and glared at him.

"Just checking," John replied then pushed Teyla out of the bed and stood up beside her.

"You should probably go before people start coming down and realize where you slept last night."

He walked her to the door then Teyla gave him a very passionate kiss before she padded across the hall and shut the door after her.

He stood in the doorway for a few minutes with a big grin on his face before he noticed Ronon was sitting on the sectional in the den staring at him. His grin was almost as big as John's.

John's eyes grew wide and he limped over to stand in front of his friend. "Listen Buddy, it's not what you think."

"Really?" Ronon interrupted and held up a scrap of lace with a few ribbons attached.

"You know my room faces the back yard and I slept with the window open last night."

John's eyes looked even more horrified.

"I took a walk outside early this morning and found this." He held up the lace again and smirked. "Kind of confirmed what I thought I'd heard last night."

"Give me that!" John grabbed the lacy garment then implored, "Can you just kind of keep this to yourself for a little while?"

Ronon shrugged. "Keep what to myself?"

John nodded, "Thanks. Now I'm gonna go jump in the shower."

He held up the scrap of lace and grunted, "And believe it or not, it's gonna be cold!"

.

.

xoxoxoxox xoxoxoxoxox xoxoxoxoxo

.

"What do you mean John gave up being Valedictorian of his high school class?" Rodney wailed as he stood outside in the driveway with Dave. "Why would anyone do that?"

"You know John doesn't like to be the center of attention," Dave said, "and he knew as Valedictorian, he'd have to make a speech in front of all the graduates and their guests."

"So he just gave it away?" Rodney asked scandalized.

"No," Dave denied, "He was a bit sneakier than that. He calculated all his grades and those of the next few ranking kids and figured out what he'd need to get on his finals to come in third."

Rodney looked flabbergasted that anyone would consider doing that. "How do you know he did this?

Dave gave a wry smile. "I found a list in his room showing the grades he needed to bring his average down below the other top students. He didn't deny it when I confronted him with it."

"You didn't try and talk him out of it?"

"He was still getting straight A's so I figured it didn't matter."

"Okay, I'm all set to go," Carson joined them, putting his bag on the ground next to Ronon and Rodney's. He looked around.

"Where are Teyla and John?"

Rodney looked up from his continued discussion with Dave and said, "I think he was helping Teyla with her bag."

Carson shook his head. "Oh, of all the … The man's not sturdy on his feet and he's carrying luggage."

He turned to walk back into the house and both Julia and Ronon tried to stop him with a, "no, he's fine," but Carson ignored them.

He moved through a few rooms and hallways until he approached Teyla's room. Curiously her bag was sitting in the doorway but he didn't hear anything. He moved a step closer then froze. Teyla and John were standing in the middle of the room with their arms around each other.

At first Carson thought they were just giving each other a hug then he realized their lips were pressed together. Carson's jaw dropped open then a huge grin split his lips as Teyla and John's mouths continued to move over each other. This was no simple goodbye peck on the cheek.

He slowly backed away and moved toward the outside door. It's about bloody time those two figured it out. It's a shame it took John being seriously incapacitated and sent back to Earth for half a year for them to realize that they belonged together.

He walked back out to hear Rodney still talking about John's school records, only now they were discussing college.

He looked up as Carson came back out and asked, "So where's Sheppard and Teyla? I thought you went in to get them."

Carson's eyes twinkled but it seemed John and Teyla weren't quite ready to make public the new twist to their relationship so he simply said, "Uh … they're saying a private goodbye."

Rodney made a face and commented, "What, it's not good enough to say goodbye out here?"

Ah, Rodney! Carson thought. He could be so obtuse at times. But looking at Ronon, Julia and Dave, they obviously knew or at least suspected what was going on.

John and Teyla showed up a minute later with Teyla apologizing, "I am sorry. I misplaced some of my things. John was helping me locate them."

Ronon eyed Sheppard like he knew what she'd 'misplaced' but before he could say anything, Rodney accused, "Sheppard, how come you never told me you have a degree in aeronautical engineering?"

John shrugged and squinted his eyes. "What does it matter what my degree is in? And I'm a pilot so it makes perfect sense."

"And you've got a Master's Degree in Applied and Computational Math?"

"I know you think all Military are brainless grunts, McKay," John complained, "but you can't get much past Captain without an advanced degree, you know." He shrugged. "I just chose something that was easy for me."

Julia stared at John and snorted, "Easy?"

"You're just lucky we're leaving or you'd get an earful," McKay snipped then his voice rose slightly, "I can't believe you never told me!"

"Uh, Ellis is probably getting impatient," Ronon reminded them.

"Hey, all of you," John addressed the group, "Thanks for coming! I mean it."

Carson shook his hand first and patted his shoulder. "It was great seeing you, John. Keep up the good work. I know you'll be back in tip top shape in no time."

Rodney was next. "You better be back right after the wedding or I won't be held responsible for my actions. Like shooting Armstrong or maybe even Zalenka."

They moved in uncomfortably for the briefest of embraces then Rodney picked up his bag and moved a few more feet away from the house.

Teyla stepped in front of John and lowered her forehead to his. "I will be back in five weeks. It will seem much longer I am sure."

John didn't dare say anything out loud. They'd already communicated their feelings inside.

Ronon moved in and John flinched as the big man wrapped his arms around him, tackle style, and moved John a few feet around. As Ronon helped him get steady on his feet again, he muttered quietly, "I'll make sure to keep any Marines from sniffing around Teyla until you get back and can do it yourself. Just don't take too long!"

"Thanks Pal!" John slapped him on the back as Rodney radioed the Apollo that they were ready.

John barely had time to get out, "Say hi to everyone for me, huh?" before his friends disappeared in a glow of lights.

John's shoulders moved up and down in a huge sigh and Dave walked over and laid a hand on his back. "You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah," John replied then added, "In about five weeks." He picked up his gym bag and started hobbling to the car.

"Come on, get me to rehab so I can actually be ready when that five weeks comes."

Dave's mouth grew tight knowing John would push himself harder than ever today. And he'd probably pay for it tonight.

.

.

"You know Josh says there's no reason I can't start driving again soon," John was telling Dave as they turned onto the road the rehab was on. "The biggest concern is how the right leg keeps giving out every so often. But it's only when I'm standing or walking. Driving should be a problem."

"That's great, John!" Dave exclaimed. "As soon as you think you're ready, let me know. You're welcome to take one of the cars. You can even drive yourself here, if you want."

"I hate putting you out every day, so that'd probably be a good idea."

"Although I have to admit," Dave confessed, "I've enjoyed our drives back and forth. It gives us time to talk. Julia's great but she doesn't know much about sports and she hates discussing politics. It's nice to talk to someone who doesn't want me to express my feelings about every little thing."

"Aw, come on! You know that's what I want, too."

Dave snorted while John chuckled. But the laugh turned into a swear.

"What?" John asked but before Dave could answer he saw what Dave was swearing about. Several news vans and a crowd of people were at the curb in front of the walkway into the rehab center. John's words colored the air as well, as Dave pulled out his phone.

He steered the vehicle around the back as he got someone from inside. He made arrangements for someone to meet John at the ambulance entrance then moved as close as he could to this area. The back doors opened and John saw Dr. Turner himself standing there.

As John climbed out of the car and grabbed his bag and cane, Dave said, "I'll call before you're due to leave to see what the situation is." He held up the phone, "Turner said they called to get some extra security to help with the reporters."

John just nodded his thanks and hobbled over to the door. He gave a quick wave to his brother and moved past Turner. They got in the elevator as the ambulance entrance was below the entry level and Turner greeted him enthusiastically.

"Colonel Sheppard, I'm glad we could get you safely past all those reporters out front. You seem to have turned into quite a celebrity over night."

John gave a pained smile and muttered, "Yippee."

"I assured your brother extra security was on the way to help alleviate the problem. We've had notable people here before and we've always been able to guarantee their privacy. We'll take every step needed to do the same for you."

"Thank you," John replied gratefully. "Send the bill to Dave," he threw over his shoulder as he exited the elevator. "I'm sure he'd be more than happy to pay for it."

Turner flustered, "Oh, um …I'm sure …" as if the thought had never entered his mind.

John leaned on his cane as he walked toward the weight room where he usually started each morning. Lisa and Helen were waiting outside the door for him, arms crossed in front of them, faces serious.

Uh, oh! John knew he was in trouble. He tried for the most charming smile he could muster and even threw in a little puppy dog eyes as he asked, "Are you guys mad at me?"

They both stared at him solemnly until Lisa's mouth twitched and she burst out laughing.

"She's no good at this!" Helen complained but John saw her usual good humor had returned to her eyes as well.

"You're not mad?" John checked skeptically.

"Are you kidding me? This is the neatest thing that's ever happened to me," Lisa explained. "My boys actually think I'm cool now."

She looked apologetic. "I kind of freaked out when I first saw you on the news special. And of course my whole family knows the name of the patient I've been taking care of for five months. I could hardly deny it."

"I'm curious," Helen started, "as to how the media knew you came here, though. And who knew you best. I personally got a handful of calls to do interviews."

"Really?" John questioned then looked at Lisa who was looking sheepish.

"I actually got offered some big money to give a detailed account of your recovery to some magazine. They said they'd throw in extra if I actually had pictures of you doing rehab. I don't know who gave them my name, though."

John's eyes grew dark and his mouth tight. As he started to walk past them he said, "You do what you have to do."

"Colonel!" Lisa called dismayed. "I told them no. I would never do that to you. I hope you know that."

John gave a relieved sigh and a half smile. "Thanks. I appreciate it."

He continued to limp over to the first machine and adjust the weights. Helen and Lisa watched him then looked at each other.

"He looks really down. More than I thought he'd be due to this news report," Helen commented. "I wonder if something else happened."

Lisa nodded. "Don't forget Teyla and his other friends were here visiting. They must have just left. Remember how he was last time?"

Understanding dawned on Helen at this statement. Josh took that moment to enter and ask if the Colonel had gotten past the reporters. Lisa tilted her head toward the man who was using the leg press, his face determined.

"I had a heck of a time getting through them," Josh said. "I can't believe how tenacious they are."

"You didn't say anything to them, did you?" Helen pressed. "You know he won't like that."

"Oh, I know," Josh agreed. "And no, I didn't say anything. I don't need him upset with me, especially since I've already got one strike against me for hitting on his woman."

Josh looked at the man in the weight room again. "That news special, I couldn't believe they showed him being tortured. And how he just took it. I would have been crying like a baby, ordering my people to give the guy anything he wanted. Even knowing what was coming, the Colonel didn't do it. That's the kind of strength not too many people have."

"But seeing what he's done here, how far he's come in such a short period of time," Lisa said, "I really wasn't surprised. Not by that or any of the heroic stories his people told about him. You can tell he's something special. "

A smile came to her face. "I laugh when I remember what I thought when I first got this assignment. Air Force Colonel, brother of a rich businessman. I figured it would be the most difficult job in the world to get this guy working hard enough to make a difference. I pictured some spoiled, pampered desk jockey who enjoyed ordering people around. Am I glad I was wrong."

"I know I'm glad," Josh concurred. "Working with Colonel Sheppard and getting him to where he is now, really makes me feel good about doing my job."

"Speaking of which," Helen looked at her watch, "I'm supposed to be upstairs at mine in just a few minutes. Keep me updated on how he's doing today."

Lisa promised then she and Josh moved toward the man they'd been talking about to continue working toward the goal of complete recovery.

.

.

xoxoxoxoxox xoxoxoxox xoxoxoxoxo

.

"Major Lorne, wait up," Lt. McCarthy called out in the hallway as he and Dusty Mehra came up behind. "We were wondering if you couldn't settle something for us."

"I'm on my way to a briefing, but if you keep it short I might be able to." Lorne looked questioningly at the two Marines.

"I don't need anything settled," Mehra said confidently. "I know I'm right."

McCarthy just glared at her and said, "We heard Colonel Sheppard's team got in a bar room fight while they were on Earth. Is it really true the Colonel broke a man's hand or is that just an exaggeration?"

"That's what I heard," Lorne replied. "But you'd be better off asking someone who was there." He looked behind the two soldiers and pointed, "Ronon was there, you can ask him."

Ronon walked up behind them and paused at the expectant looks from the others standing in the hallway.

Mehra gave a heavy sigh and said, "McCarthy here thinks the rumors about Sheppard breaking the guy's hand in the bar fight are an exaggeration. I say they're true."

Ronon nodded. "Yup, broke the guy's hand; slammed it down on the pool table. He was lucky Sheppard didn't break his neck."

"All because of a pool table?" McCarthy asked incredulously.

"The gang leader put his hands on Teyla. Sheppard didn't like it. Neither did I. But Sheppard was closer to the guy."

Lorne nodded in understanding. "The Colonel wouldn't like anyone messing with his team. Can't say I blame him. I'm surprised Teyla didn't stop the guy."

"She did, eventually," Ronon supplied. "But she had three of them holding her at first. Until Sheppard took out the leader and evened the odds."

"But isn't the Colonel still injured, not walking right yet?" McCarthy asked. "How did he manage that?"

"At least this time he was on his feet," Ronon grunted. "A month ago when he was grabbed and held by the kidnappers he still couldn't walk at all by himself and he managed to break an arm on one and give the other a concussion."

"Okay," McCarthy protested, "I know that has got to be an exaggeration. There's no way it could have happened."

The other three all looked at McCarthy but Mehra did the talking. "You weren't here long enough before the Colonel was injured and left to have really seen what the man is capable of. You'll learn, once he comes back."

She looked questioningly at Ronon, "He is coming back soon, right?"

Lorne jabbed his thumb in the direction he'd been going when he was stopped. "We're on our way to a briefing right now. I'll have more information after that."

Ronon followed Lorne down the hall toward the conference room. Dusty turned to McCarthy with a smug smile and held out her hand.

McCarthy just sneered. "I'll pay you later."

.

.

Richard Woolsey listened to the reports from Dr. McKay, Ronon, Teyla and most especially Dr. Beckett regarding Colonel Sheppard. They had all agreed that he was making incredible progress and there was a possibility he could be back in Atlantis as early as six weeks from now, right after his brother's wedding.

"That's great news!" Woolsey offered. "It will be nice to have Colonel Sheppard back again." He looked apologetically at Colonel Armstrong and amended, "Not that it isn't wonderful to have a man of your caliber here as well."

But the truth was, Woolsey was getting more than a little tired of Armstrong and his rigid by-the-book methods of doing everything. It sounded funny coming from him, 'Mr. Rules Are There for a Reason.' But in his two years as Administrator of Atlantis, Richard had realized that sometimes you had to throw out some of the rules. Heck, there were times that he'd almost thrown out the whole book.

Colonel Sheppard had been instrumental in helping him see that. The man was nothing if not unorthodox in his approach to many things. But following rules set up on Earth didn't always apply to the Pegasus Galaxy and he was beginning to see that more and more.

When Colonel Sheppard had first been injured, he was, of course, concerned. But when the SGC had sent Armstrong as a long term replacement he thought having a hard and true military man might be a good thing. Armstrong had a superb record and a great deal of experience in battling insurgents in the Middle East. And he looked the part, broad shoulders, muscular build, buzz cut, serious attitude at all times. You'd never catch him riding a skateboard down the hallway. Richard was excited to have someone of his caliber in charge of the military.

At first things didn't go as smoothly as he'd hoped, mostly because the troops were used to dealing with the laid back style of Colonel Sheppard, or at least that's what he'd told himself. The truth was Sheppard might appear laid back and lackadaisical but he honestly was one of the hardest workers Woolsey had ever seen.

He rarely took time off and even when he was officially off duty he could still be found walking the corridors, checking in with the Control Room or helping the scientists with some project or other. And he was always available and willing to do any job, no matter how big or small.

Armstrong, on the other hand, did not want to be disturbed while he was off-duty, unless it was something catastrophic. It was great that he trusted his subordinate officers but Woolsey thought the man would do well to socialize a bit more with the rest of Atlantis. Okay, so maybe he had been like that when he first got here, too. But he'd learned and grown and had actually started to enjoy the company of other citizens of the city.

But the thing that bothered him the most was that Armstrong took his role as Military Commander to the letter. He commanded the troops; from right here in Atlantis. He felt leaving the city was not in the best interest of all involved.

Richard had tried to get him to take Sheppard's team on some recon missions but the man actually refused saying his job was too important to be away for hours or more at a time, especially for something the enlisted men were here for. And Richard could see his point of view.

But the man also insisted it was beneath him to accompany Teyla on any of her diplomatic missions as well. Richard got the feeling that Armstrong didn't trust Teyla or Ronon or any of the other non-Earth people who lived or frequented Atlantis.

He refused to meet with people of other worlds for trade negotiations, always sending someone else; again stating that bartering for food was not his job. Maybe when they had first gotten there it was necessary for the Military Commander to step in but not now they had plenty of other personnel.

Richard felt it was more his xenophobia coming to the surface. And it was starting to cause some problems. Trade relations were very important and there were a few negotiations that were hanging in the balance right now that made Richard more than a little nervous.

Colonel Sheppard coming back would be a very good thing. He hoped it wouldn't be any longer than six weeks. Armstrong had his own opinion on the subject.

"I wouldn't put too much stock in what Colonel Sheppard might say about his condition. The fact is he's got to pass some very stringent military evaluations and they will not accept anything less than top notch performance. The original diagnosis said a year or more for recovery. It still may take that long if he can even do it. Let's face it, the man was severely injured. Not everyone can come back from something so critical."

Teyla stood up and leaned on the mahogany table in front of her. "I realize you do not know Colonel Sheppard at all. But be assured of this; he will be back!"

She turned on her heels and walked away from the table.

"Uh, meeting dismissed," Woolsey said and gathered his notebook and scuttled away to his office to avoid any unpleasantries from Teyla's statement. Armstrong really didn't get along with her even though she had always been extremely professional. And from the look on his face, he definitely wasn't happy with her now.

.

.

Jennifer caught up with Teyla as she entered the transporter. "Teyla, we haven't had a chance to talk since you got back yesterday. So the Colonel's doing really well?"

Teyla pressed the display on the wall and turned to Jennifer. "Yes, regardless of what Colonel Armstrong implied, I do believe John will be ready to come back directly after his brother's wedding."

Jennifer tilted her head as she followed Teyla out of the transporter and down the hall. "I am going to my quarters to have a relaxing cup of tea before I pick up Torren. Are you joining me?"

Jennifer stopped, finally realizing where she was. "Do you mind? I want to hear more about your trip. Rodney told me you'd all got tossed in jail."

"Yes," Teyla conceded and moved inside her quarters with Jennifer following.

When they were comfortably settled on the couch with warm tea in front of them, Teyla gave Jennifer a rundown of their activities for the week including the bar brawl and subsequent lock-up. She told her about John's rehab and meeting his ex-wife at the court house.

"Really?" Jennifer's eyes widened. "What was she like?"

"Very beautiful," Teyla said, "and very nice. She was curious about me. I am not sure what John told her about our relationship but she was under the impression that we had been together for some time."

Jennifer's eyebrows rose. "And so have you been together?"

Teyla just glared at her friend. "Should you not be asking about John's medical well-being?"

"Oh, right, of course," corrected Jennifer. "So his speech is good? He's eating normally now?"

At Teyla's nods, Jennifer smirked and continued, "So his mouth is capable of doing everything a mouth should?"

Her eyes twinkled mischievously and Teyla blushed.

"Yes," she breathed out huskily. "His mouth was quite adept at doing many things."

Jennifer beamed. "And his hands? He's got his small motor skills under control?"

Teyla closed her eyes and gave a deep shuddering sigh. "His hands were," she breathed deeply in between words, "incredible, soft and gentle."

Jennifer chuckled. "Any other body parts I should know about that were in perfect working order?"

Teyla drifted out of her daydream and sighed. "As usual, John had many things tightly under control."

Jennifer frowned. "What is with that man? What is he waiting for? I assume you weren't the one holding back?"

Teyla blushed deeply at that. "John has had many relationships that have not worked out. He claims he wants this one to last and therefore wishes everything to be perfect."

"That's so sweet!" Jennifer purred. "Rodney and I did it in a plane our first time. Not real comfortable but certainly out of the ordinary."

Teyla's eyes got dreamy again. "John did say that when I return next month, he plans to … how did he word it … throw his control right out the window."

"So, you'll need some protection, huh? Unless you want to have another little Torren running around. Oh, wait! You will have Torren with you. That's not real conducive to romantic evenings."

"But John will work his magic," Teyla replied, "and lull Torren into a dream-filled sleep."

Jennifer grinned. "Leaving you two free to fill your sleep with what you've been dreaming of."

.

.

xoxoxoxoxox xoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxo

.

"Do I have to be here?" John whined as he helped Josie wrap tinfoil around a large pile of potatoes.

"God, you sound like a kid," Dave snapped back. "Why can't you just socialize like a normal person?"

John glared at his brother. "I remember you telling me years ago that I wasn't normal. Why do you expect me to act that way now?"

"I thought you'd outgrow it by now!"

"Stop it boys!" Julia demanded. "Or I'll have to send you both to your room with no supper."

"Promise?" John asked eagerly. "Cause I'm fine with that."

Julia took the potato John had just wrapped and moved it aside. "Come on John, you'll have fun. There will be lots of people here. You'll enjoy it."

He looked skeptically at her. "I don't enjoy lots of people, Julia."

"But Dave says you know a lot of these people."

John made a face. "Okay, that's actually worse. I've had a few too many 'old friends' show up lately."

Julia backed off at this because she knew it was true. Ever since the news report three weeks ago, John had been bombarded with not only offers from the radio, TV and magazines but with invitations from long lost friends. Although many of them were people he'd never actually been friends with.

And quite a few people had shown up on local and national talk shows talking about how well they knew him. It was quite laughable really. He'd loved his seventh grade science teacher talking about how she'd always known he'd go far. She even took credit for his love of space by introducing him to astronomy. He'd never liked astronomy, he liked flying. Well let them have their two minutes of fame; he just wished his was up.

But McKay, he figured, should finally be happy. Quite a few of his old colleagues had found their way to the interview circuit, talking about what good friends they were with the Atlantis Dr. Rodney McKay. Several of them tried to take credit for parts of Rodney's work but most of them just gushed about how great Rodney was and how they'd worked together many times in the past.

John had actually recorded as many as he could and sent them to McKay. He hadn't heard back from him yet so he wasn't sure what his reaction was. He really missed being in the city and wished he could be there to watch them with his friend.

"Come on, John," Dave pleaded. "Just a few hours then you can crawl back into your cave."

"Fine," John reluctantly agreed. "But I'm not getting dressed up." He pointed at Dave.

His brother looked confused and replied, "It's just a casual cookout, John."

John snorted and said, "Right! That's casual," as he took in Dave's starched tan shorts, freshly ironed polo shirt and polished docksiders. Julia also was decked out in a stunning white sundress with red and blue accessories for the 4th of July occasion.

John looked down at his own wrinkled cargo shorts, rumpled gray T-shirt and well worn sneakers. "So I'm good like this?"

Julia looked at him and cringed. "If you weren't wearing breakfast," she pointed to the blueberry syrup he'd dripped on his shirt, "I'd say fine. But maybe you could change the shirt."

John rolled his eyes and let out a huge sigh. "Fine, but only for you, Julia. You know that?"

"Yes, I do, John. Thank you," and she gave him a kiss on the cheek before she bounced off to check the other party details.

John's gaze stayed on her for a long while then he looked at his brother who had started wrapping potatoes next to Josie.

"She's great, Dave," John smiled almost sadly then added, "She's a lot like Mom."

Dave stopped what he was doing and looked up startled. "You think so?"

John nodded. "Yeah, I do. She's beautiful and classy, bright and engaging but filled with that little bit of mischief that made her so much fun."

Dave looked thoughtful for a minute then said, "I never really thought of it before but I guess she is kind of like Mom in that respect."

John gave his brother a big genuine smile. "Like I said; she'd great!"

They finished the potatoes and handed them over to the caterers who brought them outside to the big fire pit they'd dug.

John decided he'd go for a run before the guests showed up. He figured he'd need to get rid of any pent up frustration before he got more of it during the party. John was just glad that he was finally able to start running again. He'd missed it.

He made sure the knee brace was nice and snug and started out. The leg could only handle a few miles of intense running but John was pushing himself more each day. He only had a few weeks left before he'd need to prove to the US Air Force that he was fully fit again.

When he got back, he jumped in the shower and knew he might have pushed himself a bit too much on this run. The right knee started to buckle just on the walk from the bathroom to the bedroom.

He snagged some ice, making Josie promise not to tell Dave he'd stressed out his knee again and laid down on the bed. When the knock came twenty minutes later, John attempted to get the ice pack from around his knee but Julia had already seen.

"Is it bothering you again?" she asked as she came to sit on the side of his bed.

John gave a wry smile. "I just pushed too hard during my run. But if you tell Dave he's just gonna yell at me."

Julia's eyes twinkled. "Then we won't tell him. But you might want to wear the brace for the next few hours, just to give you some support."

John nodded and slid off the bed. "Thanks, Julia. And for that, I'll actually put on a clean shirt."

He opened his drawer and took out a navy polo that he'd had for quite a few years. At Julia's skeptical look he grinned, "I said clean, I didn't say new."

Julia got off the bed and gave John another kiss on the cheek. "I'm gonna miss you when you go."

She turned toward the door. "People should start arriving anytime."

John watched her go with mixed feelings. He couldn't wait to get back to Atlantis but part of him cherished this new brother-sister relationship he'd formed with Julia and he hated the thought of walking away from it.

But he and Dave had a much better relationship now, too. They wouldn't let themselves drift apart like before; and that made John smile.

.

.

xoxoxoxo xoxoxooxx xoxoxoxoxo

.

John leaned on the fence talking to some of the horses while the party got into full swing. He'd always hated when his Dad had thrown these big shindigs. When his Mom was around it hadn't been so bad because she'd always made sure he had a few friends over as well.

But his Dad had only wanted his sons there to get in on the discussions of the family business. Looking back now, remembering the letter his father had written, John realized that maybe that was his father's way of trying to connect with his boys.

But John had wanted nothing to do with it and had always been sullen and sulky until his Dad had snapped at him to go to his room if he couldn't be social. The problem was that John never really knew how to be social, never felt comfortable engaging in small talk. Being alone in his room was the far better option.

But maybe he should have tried a little harder to at least understand his father's world. Maybe his Dad would have tried a little harder to understand his youngest son.

He turned around and looked at his brother engaged in a conversation with about half a dozen people, everyone laughing and having a good time. So maybe he could make the effort to try and connect with his brother in his world.

He walked slowly over to where Dave was, trying not to favor his right leg. He'd worked hard at being able to walk without using the cane but now his goal was to walk without the limp he hadn't been able to get rid of yet.

"John!" Dave smiled when he saw his brother coming his way. "Gentlemen, let me introduce you to my brother, John. He's a Colonel in the Air Force."

Dave made introductions and John took note of everyone's names and how they were associated with Dave or PSI. He'd read enough reports and helped Dave with a good deal of business over the last few months that he was actually able to get into several discussions with some of the men.

Of course he was bored out of his mind and he didn't really give a crap about any of their business dealings but when he saw Dave watching him with an astonished smile, he knew it was worth it.

He briefly wondered if his Dad would have looked at him the same way if he'd put that kind of effort into talking to his Dad's friends. Maybe. That would have been a real nice feeling.

Deep regret stabbed through him like a knife and he actually closed his eyes for a second at the physical pain he felt.

Dave watched John, amazed at how easily his brother had fit right in and started conversing with this group. It surprised him, too, since John really hadn't even wanted to be here today.

He'd spent the first hour of the party standing alone by the horses. Dave had hoped he wouldn't stay there the whole time. But he'd surprised him by not only moving among the guests but getting involved in conversation that Dave didn't normally think he'd be interested in. And he'd stayed involved for almost a half hour now.

He'd given John a warm smile but then he'd seen John's eyes fill with pain and close briefly. Dave panicked thinking John was physically hurting then realized the pain in John's eyes was emotional pain. He'd gotten to know his brother well enough over the past six months to know the difference.

But unfortunately there wasn't much Dave could do. He wasn't sure what ghosts John was fighting right now and it wasn't really the time to ask. But he could steer the small crowd over to the serving table and encourage them to get something to eat.

After they'd obliged, Dave looked back and realized John hadn't moved from his spot. He was just standing there staring off into the distance.

Dave made his way back and touched John on the shoulder. "You okay, John? You looked a little lost for a second."

John's gaze stayed focused on a spot in the distance as he said, "Why didn't I ever even try and understand him and what he did and why he did it?"

John gave a big sigh and repeated, "I never even tried."

Dave closed his eyes when he realized the ghost John was fighting with was their Dad. And John was losing.

Dave put his hand more firmly on John's shoulder and squeezed. "John, regret will only make you go nuts."

John's gaze swung briefly to Dave and then away again. "With the amount of regret I've got, I'm surprised I wasn't locked away years ago."

Dave just squeezed John's shoulder again then let his hand drop. "Have you had anything to eat, yet?"

John shrugged. "Nah, I'm good."

"Okay," Dave sighed wishing he could alleviate some of John's guilt but knowing he carried his own burden. He could have done so much more in getting John and their Dad to communicate again. Or at the least he could have kept in closer touch with his own brother and not worried what their father had thought. Because in the end, their Dad's regret had also been immense.

Dave sighed then suggested, "John, Uncle George and Aunt Mary are here. They're up on the patio. Why don't you go say hi at least?"

John's smile turned crooked but he nodded. "Okay, but if she tells me I'm too skinny and I need a haircut, you're gonna owe me."

"Yeah, I probably will," Dave conceded.

An hour and a million promises later, John finally broke away from his aunt and uncle. His uncle had only been appeased at not knowing John's recent activities when John had told him it had all been completely top secret and confidential. Most of the military didn't even know and Dave had only found out after he'd been injured. And then only because they weren't sure John would stay alive long enough to make it home.

His aunt had hugged him and told him they were so glad he had made it and was having such a quick recovery. John didn't think six months was quick but he supposed compared to the original prognosis of a year or more, it was.

Uncle George and Aunt Mary had asked a million questions about living in another galaxy and wasn't he afraid all the time of the danger.

John had replied simply, "It's what I do."

They'd also insisted on meeting Teyla and T.J. who they referred to as his wife and son. He didn't have the heart to correct them as they were so excited and thought he was such a wonderful Dad. Apparently Julia had shared some videos with them plus what they'd seen on the report. They were disappointed when he said they were back home but he assured them, both would be here for Dave and Julia's wedding.

He'd gotten a detailed update on his two cousins, Keith and Carol and their families and found out he'd get to see them soon as they were planning to come to the wedding as well.

John was getting a little apprehensive about this upcoming event, though. He hadn't really given it a whole lot of thought until now, but as the best man he was probably expected to do certain things. He'd better check with Julia soon so he didn't screw up.

He'd finally gotten a small plate of food and found an empty corner in the kitchen to hopefully eat in peace. Unfortunately that didn't work out. He'd only taken a few bites when he heard his name called in a sickly sweet, almost petulant voice.

"John Sheppard, you're a very popular boy today. I almost didn't think I'd get to talk to you."

He turned slowly to see a familiar looking blond woman standing in front of him with her hands on her very shapely hips. When confusion appeared on his face and she realized he couldn't place her, she moved her arms to cross her ample chest and gave a sexy pout.

"I know it's been a few years but I can't believe you don't remember."

The pout was what did it, jogged his memory. "Clarissa," he confirmed then repeated, "Clarissa Van der Port." He grinned when he realized he'd almost said 'Van der snot' since that was what he'd always called her, at least in his head. Even among the well-to-do and moneyed people, she was a snot.

Not that he'd always thought of her that way. He'd actually fallen for her cute little pout when he'd first met her his freshmen year in high school. But she'd had no time for him. He didn't have the muscles of the football team, his hair was always sticking up and unless he was willing to do her homework or write her papers for her, he was of no use.

Well, he damn sure wasn't doing anyone else's work for them, so he'd given up any hope of impressing her. But it hadn't mattered and he was actually glad he hadn't made it on the list of people she frequently walked all over.

But he was curious as to why she was standing in front of him now. When he said her name, her eyes lit up and a knowing smile crossed her face.

"See, I knew you remembered me."

John's eyes narrowed and gave a half smile. "What can I do for you, Clarissa?"

She moved in closer, much too close for John's liking as he had a counter on one side of him and a wall behind him. She seemed to be blocking his only exit.

"There are a lot of things you could do for me, John," she purred and put her hand on John's shoulder. It slid down his arm, squeezing playfully on his bicep then continued until it rested on his forearm which was leaning on the counter.

She hitched her snugly encased bottom onto the next stool but kept her hand where it was. John looked at it like it was an Iratus bug then moved his hand to pick up another bite from his plate.

Maybe if he kept putting food in his mouth, she wouldn't expect him to talk. Or maybe he could take a page from Ronon's book of dining etiquette and shove as much in as would possibly fit. She'd grow disgusted and leave him alone.

Unfortunately he hadn't put a whole lot on his plate so there wasn't much left. As he chewed on his last few bites, she studied him closely, making him feel like a cell under a microscope.

He reached for his bottle of water and her hand moved back to his arm. "I'd love to hear all about what you've been doing with yourself. Maybe we could go someplace a bit more secluded and have a nice private discussion."

As she said this her hand dropped to John's knee and started moving up his thigh in an intimate caress. He almost fell off the stool in an effort to back away but he had no place to go with the wall against his back. And Clarissa continued to inch forward until there was barely space for air between them.

John's eyes grew panicked. "Uh, I …uh thought you were married."

Clarissa shrugged and reached up to straighten John's collar then moved to brush imaginary lint off his shoulders.

"I was," she confessed. "He was much older than me. It seemed like a great idea at the time but after a while I'm afraid I lost interest."

Her hands started to move down his chest. Maybe a few years ago John would have appreciated an attractive woman making such an overt move on him but recalling her history and his recent commitment to Teyla, he knew this was a bad idea.

He took her hands and removed them from his shirt. "Well you never had any interest in me before, not sure that I've changed that much."

He tried to move past her but she stood her ground and pressed even closer to him, her hands going right back to where they were.

"I find you incredibly interesting now, Colonel John Sheppard. You travel to other galaxies, fight vicious alien creatures, have sex with alien women. Maybe you've learned a few things I might like. I found myself really turned on seeing you in chains."

Her fingers pushed aside the collar of his shirt and stroked the feeding scar that was still slightly visible. "Watching this happen got me so hot! We could go back to my place. I've got cuffs and chains and we could actually reenact this little scene."

John thought he could possibly vomit at her suggestion and decided to break one rule he'd always lived by; never manhandle a woman. But enough was enough. He pulled her hands away again and roughly moved her aside.

"You're sick, you know that," he accused. "You should seriously consider seeking help. And I'm not interested in your offer. Go find someone else to play with."

He moved past her and only stopped when she questioned, "What if I don't want someone else? What if I decided I want you?"

"I don't really care," John snapped back.

"You might care if I convince my father to withdraw his business from PSI."

John paused as he was just about to move away again. Was this woman serious? Not that it mattered.

"Then he'd be a fool, wouldn't he?" John challenged and moved as rapidly as possible through the kitchen and outside.

He noticed she hadn't followed so he slowed down slightly. His knee was twinging a bit even with the brace on it. He spotted Dave just moving away from one group of people so he flagged him down.

Dave walked over and commented," You're still with us, John. I thought you'd have bugged out by now."

"Well I think I just reached my limit," John admitted. "But I wanted to apologize ahead of time. I may have screwed things up for you with Van der Port Enterprises."

Dave just chuckled, "Let me guess. Clarissa wanted something from you and you refused."

John's lip turned up in a snarl. "She wanted to reenact my little Wraith torture scene. Apparently men in cuffs and chains get her all hot and bothered."

Dave shook his head and touched his shoulder. "I'm sorry. Her Dad's a great businessman but that woman has a few problems. Don't worry about it."

"Good! I wasn't planning to. But you know dealing with people like her aren't that different than dealing with a hungry Wraith."

"See," Dave returned. "You'd fit right in. You're sure you don't want to stay and run the business with me? I'd love to have you."

John grinned. "I'm pretty sure, yeah. But if it ends up I can't pass the military standards, I may end up taking you up on that offer."

Dave's eyes grew serious. "You're not still worried about that, are you? Even with all the progress you've made."

John glanced down at the brace hugging his knee, poking out the end of his shorts. "Not everything is back to normal yet."

"You're going to be fine, John." Dave promised. "You may not be completely ready in three weeks like you want but I know you'll get there. You're too stubborn not to."

John's eyebrows rose. "I'm stubborn? That's a case of the pot and the kettle, isn't it?"

Dave chuckled. "Yeah, and now we've got Julia. That woman could out-stubborn Dad."

"That's why she's such a great addition to the family. You're a lucky man, Dave."

John shuffled his feet and then looked up at Dave. "So did I socialize good enough today? Can I be excused?"

Dave sighed. "Sure, you've been a good boy. Just don't tell Julia you're hiding in your room, though. She'll probably come in and drag you out."

"I was thinking I would take one of the horses and go for a long ride. That way nobody can find me. You know crowds aren't my thing."

"That I know," Dave agreed. "I still don't get how you command over two hundred troops with your case of social anxiety."

"I don't have to socialize with them; I just tell them what to do. A large portion of my job is actually administrative. I schedule off-world missions, make duty rosters, requisition supplies, write a million status reports and go over all the team mission logs. It's not all the glorious, dangerous stuff you saw or heard them talk about on the news special."

"You're just saying that so I won't worry so much when you go back there," Dave accused.

"Doesn't matter what I say, I think you'll worry anyway."

"Probably," Dave replied. "Take Diablo out for your ride. He likes to run and hasn't been worked much lately."

John nodded. "I was thinking of him and that we both needed a workout."

Dave told him the party would still be going on for a while but to have Diablo back before the fireworks began as he was skittish with too much noise.

"I'll be back before then," John told him. "Although that doesn't mean I'll start socializing again."

Dave nodded and John moved toward the stables.

He started out slow then got Diablo into a full gallop. He'd always loved doing this when he was younger, the wind whipping past his face, the speed and the thrill. He used to think it was what flying felt like. Maybe it was one of the reasons he'd wanted to fly so much.

And maybe if his Dad had just kept him away from the horses, he would have happily joined the family business. John chuckled to himself. Or maybe not!

He spent the next few hours alternating between riding and enjoying the scenery in a few of his favorite locations. And thinking.

Thinking of all the times he'd been to these places as a kid. Thinking how he couldn't wait to get away from them and explore new places. Thinking how he'd like to bring Teyla and T.J. here when they came back in a few weeks.

That thought alone made all the bad thoughts disappear and a smile came to his face.

The sun was sinking in the sky so John figured he'd better head back. The crowds had thinned out but there were still more people there than John felt comfortable with.

He spent a little extra time getting Diablo settled in his stall then moved to the house. He changed into clothes that didn't smell like horse and reflected on the day.

With the exception of Clarissa, it hadn't been half bad. He couldn't say he really enjoyed it all but it had been nice seeing his aunt and uncle again. He'd played nice with some of Dave's business associates and even got an invitation to join them for golf next weekend.

The best part though had been seeing Dave's look of approval when he'd put forth the effort to talk with his friends. Maybe he should have done more of that when his Dad had wanted him to. He hadn't loved it but it hadn't killed him.

And he knew the look of pride and acceptance he might have seen on his father's face would have been so worth it.

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xoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxo

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