Chapter 3

When Dean wakes up, he isn't surprised to find that Castiel's gone, and he's in yet another location. It's probably for the best, Dean thinks. After all, he was a little too unguarded last night, all things considered. He'd been too tired to keep up any of his usual boundaries, and God knows what he would have said to Cas if he hadn't fallen asleep when he had. Something along the lines of I can't stop thinking about your mouth and how much I want it on mine. And that was just too horrible to contemplate.

He's on a beach now. It's nice – really nice, in fact. It's all white sand and palm trees and turquoise sea stretching out into the distance. Dean's never been on a beach like this before. Combine the gruelling schedule of a hunter and a morbid fear of flying, and you're pretty much ruling out relaxing Mediterranean breaks. He can vaguely remember a family holiday to Florida when his mom was still expecting Sam, but that's about it. Dad had taken him to see one of those fake mermaid shows. It had been pretty neat. Mermaids were hot.

Maybe Dean's getting the hang of this whole alternate universe thing. Transporting himself to some exotic location is certainly better than his last few jaunts. He realises that he left his jacket and boots back in the motel room he fell asleep in, although it's not like he needs them here. Maybe Cas will have picked them up for him.

Dean wonders what happens to all those universes when he's no longer in them. Do they stop existing, or do they carry on? Have they always been there? Did Deanne ever get back home? More importantly, did Dean really kill Albus Dumbledore? What with all the metaphysical contemplation, Dean doesn't notice when a shadow falls over him. What does catch his attention, however, is a very sharp object being jabbed against his spine.

Dean sighs wearily and turns around slowly. "Okay, what is it this ti—" Dean suspects that if he were a cartoon, this would be the moment when his eyes spring out of his head. Standing above him, wearing a very skimpy animal skin bikini is none other than Megan Fox. Not that she's looking terribly pleased to see him. In fact, she's now pointing a spear right at his throat.

"What are you doing here?" she asks angrily. "No men are allowed on this island! Get up!"

"Okay," Dean says meekly. If he's honest, he knows that if Megan Fox asked him to dress up as a chorus girl and perform a striptease to the theme tune of Hawaii Five-O, he'd probably do so without complaint.

Megan gives him a slight jab with the spear. "Move!"

"Where are we going, exactly?" Dean asks as they set out across the sand.

"I am taking you to the queen. She will know what to do with you."

"Does… does she look like you?"

"Silence!"

"Yes, Ma'am."

Dean is led up the beach and into the undergrowth of what appears to be some kind of tropical jungle. Dean likes this world. Even if he's about to be killed, he reasons, death from being harpooned by Megan fucking Fox would be a pretty awesome way to go.

After trekking through the jungle in silence for about ten minutes, Dean desperately trying to figure out how he might put the moves on his captor without getting himself kebabed, they reach a large clearing. Dean thinks he might just pass out. It's not just that the clearing is full of half-naked women. It's that it's full of every single woman that Dean's ever fantasised about. There's Michelle Pfeiffer circa-Catwoman, Adriana Lima, Giselle Bundchen, even Miss White, his ninth grade science teacher. And on a throne in the centre of the clearing, flanked by swimwear models waving palm leaves, is Angelina Jolie. Dean starts to laugh hysterically. This, he thinks, is exactly what he needed. It was pointless to spend all his time agonising over a socially awkward, completely unattainable angel. He needed a distraction; he needed to get his head around the fact that anything happening with Castiel would be completely ridiculous. And what better distraction than this?

…

Dean has been tied up in one of the huts, and is awaiting judgement. He's feeling surprisingly nonchalant about the whole thing. He's got pretty used to this alternate reality business now, and he's fairly sure that he can make himself disappear if the situation gets too tricky. Besides, it's quite nice here, all things considered. The air smells like mangoes and coconut, and Dean can still hear the ocean. Okay, so it's the kind of fantasy that a twelve-year-old boy would have, and it's all kinds of ridiculous, but no more so than any of the other worlds he's been cruising lately. More importantly, it's worlds away from Dean's real life, and that's just fine by him. He starts to wonder whether he couldn't just do this forever. Granted, some of the universes had been scary or uncomfortable or just downright annoying, but they were still better than what he'd had before. Maybe Sam would be better off without him. Maybe without Dean holding him back, he'd think of a way to defeat Lucifer. Sam had always been the strong one; he'd always been the clever one. Perhaps without Dean holding him back he'd find a way to fix things…

Dean's slightly maudlin train of thought is interrupted by several of the women entering the hut and surrounding him.

"Ladies?"

"The queen has made her decision," Christina Aguilera tells him. "Your presence here is an outrage to the sacred laws of our community, and by rights you should be killed on the spot. However, we are not ignorant of the need to perpetuate our great and noble race. You are young and strong, and would provide genetically sound offspring."

"What are you talking about?" Dean says, feeling a little alarmed now.

"We want you to donate your seed to us."

"What?"

"Sex, stupid!" Lindsay Lohan says with no small amount of exasperation. "We want to bang you, okay?"

"All of you?" Dean says in a weirdly high voice.

"Yes."

Dean, to his slight embarrassment, finds himself hesitating. Even more embarrassing is that he's hesitating because of Cas. He's thinking about how Cas has always trusted him so completely, no matter how many times Dean screws up. He thinks about how incredibly naïve Cas is about the ways of the world, even though he knows about things Dean couldn't even fathom. He thinks about how Cas just lets Dean fix his clothes and his hair, lets Dean boss him around even though he must think Dean is a idiot a lot of the time. He thinks about how much Castiel has sacrificed, and how often Dean's let him down. But this is ridiculous. Castiel is… well, he's not human, and there's no way he'd understand. The whole thing is ridiculous, and the sooner Dean gets over this stupid infatuation and starts thinking realistically, the better. And what better way to get back to reality than by having a love-in with all of his female fantasies?

Dean grins broadly. "Ladies, I'm at your service."

…

Dean has been in the world of sexy Amazons for about a day now, and it's exactly what he needed. This is what he iknows/i. Okay, so he's never done it with Eva Longoria before, but that's not the point. It's women, and that's comfortable territory. Dean knows how to be with women; he can play the part to perfection. And there's no one trying to make him be honest or asking him awkward questions that make him think. It's perfect, really.

And now he's sitting on the beach, surrounded by beautiful girls, being hand-fed grapes by Angelina. "Dean, you're so virile," she purrs in his ear. "You almost make me want to give up women altogether."

"You guys are still having the lesbian orgy later though, aren't you?"

"Of course."

"Awesome."

Dean had been right – this really was the perfect distraction from everything that had been going on in his head concerning Castiel. Dean had almost stopped thinking about him, in fact. Unless you counted all the times Dean had thought about not thinking about him. And Dean chose not to count that.

"Dean?"

Damn. Just when Dean's congratulating himself on how little he's thinking about Castiel, the bastard shows up, looking more confused than ever, and giving Dean that look that shoots guilt right to the pit of his stomach.

"Dean, what are you doing?" Cas says it so innocently, like he really has no idea what Dean could possibly be doing half-naked on a beach with FHM's Most Sexy list.

"Um…"

"Dean is sacrificing his body to the satisfaction of our rampant carnal desires," Eva says. "And as the Goddess seems to be so liberal with depositing attractive men on our island, I think we should make the most of this new turn of events." She gets to her feet and walks over to Castiel. "After all, there's more than enough of us to go around."

Cas has got that same rabbit-caught-in-headlights look on his face that he had the last time a scantily clad woman attempted to seduce him, and Dean feels his protective streak kick in. "Hey, lady!" he says. "Get your hands off my angel!"

He frees himself from the arms of Angelina, and pulls Eva away from Cas. Which is a situation he never thought he'd be in. "Look, ladies, I think we can reach some kind of—"

"Enough!" Castiel waves a hand, and everything freezes.

"Huh." Dean grins. "So you can still do that, but you can't—"

The look on Castiel's face causes the words to freeze on Dean's lips. He doesn't think he's ever seen the angel look so angry. And it's not even angry like he used to be, all cold impartiality. This is anger that Dean can understand. The look in his eyes is raw and hurt and… and almost human. Dean takes a step away from him.

"What the hell do you think you are doing, Dean?" There is something so quiet and controlled about Cas's voice; Dean would have far preferred to be yelled at.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Dean replies, because he's idamned/i if he's going to let on that he's intimidated. "I'm having a little fun for once in my life. What, are you going to ruin this for me too?"

Castiel looks briefly stung, but then his mouth hardens into a thin, angry line. "I thought better of you than this."

"Yeah, well, I'll add you to the long list of people I've disappointed, shall I? Jeez, Cas, what the fuck is the big deal? Yeah, so I'm supposed to be trying to find a way home, I get it, but… but maybe I just want a break for once."

Cas turns away from him. "I've been looking for you. Ever since the motel room, I've been looking for you because you told me that you needed my help. You said you needed me, and then I find you… here."

"Cas…" Dean grabs the angel's shoulder, pulling him around. He's surprised by how little Castiel resists. "Cas, I'm sorry, okay, but… but maybe you were right. Maybe I don't want to go home. Do you know what my life has been? Do you? One fucking thing after another, that's what. And… and maybe I'm tired. Maybe there are times when I go to bed praying that I'll just die in my fucking sleep so that I don't have to deal with tomorrow. And do you know how I deal with it? I have fun as and when I can, because when it comes down to it—"

"You're avoiding the issue," Castiel interrupts quietly.

Dean shuts up because, damn it, Castiel is right again. He ihates/i that. "You don't know what—"

"Stop it."

"Cas, I'm sorry, okay, but—"

"No, Dean. I have come here to help you. I know this isn't easy, but… but I'm not your bitch. Perhaps you have forgotten what I am."

Dean laughs at this. "Forgotten? Dude, it's all I think about! If only I could forget what you fucking are!"

"Then perhaps you'd like to tell me why, after asking for my help, I eventually track you down here, fraternising with these… women?"

This is getting uncomfortable. Dean's fairly certain that Castiel doesn't realise this, given that Cas doesn't tend to realise anything to do with real life, but they're fighting like they're in some kind of… And that's not what Dean needs. He needs to get to a place where he sees Cas as just another slightly weird friend, because Cas is sure as hell going to leave when this is over, and Dean is feeling a little shaky right now as to whether he'll be able to cope with that.

"Yes!" he shouts. "You know what, Cas, it went a lot further than fraternising! We fucked, okay! Lots of times! In… in lots of different ways! And it felt good, Cas, I had fun! Because… because sometimes I need to have a good time, okay? And sex is just that – it's fun, and it's… it's human. But I wouldn't expect you to understand that."

Castiel looks like he's been slapped. He stares at Dean for a moment, all wide-eyed bewilderment, and Dean can feel himself shrinking. Then Cas breathes in deeply through his nose, and Dean is suddenly very aware that he is in the presence of an Angel of the Lord. "You're right," Castiel says coldly. "I don't understand. And I never will. Perhaps I didn't make that clear enough the night you took me to that… brothel. You can neglect your duty all you want for the sake of… sensual gratification, but do not expect me to sympathise. It's… beneath me."

Now Dean feels like he's the one who's been slapped. "Fine," he hears himself say. "I get it. I guess we have nothing left to say."

He turns away because looking at Cas right now is taking all the air out of his lungs.

"Dean…"

But it's too late. Because Dean's walking away from him and into another world, and there's no way he's turning back this time.

…

Damn it's cold here. Dean's glad that he's now fully dressed, because the air is so cold that it hurts. His breath coils up into the night, and briefly clouds his vision. He's standing in a street, in what looks like the suburbs of a town. Nice area too, but he can't really see that right now. Dean's heart is still thudding dully from the fight, and there's still so much impotent rage and bitterness coursing through him. He aims a sharp kick at the curb. It hurts his foot, but in a way that's good. Physical pain is something Dean can deal with. He kicks the curb again, harder this time, almost enjoying the way the pain throbs up his leg.

Well, Cas has made things very clear this time. Dean forces himself to breathe evenly. He stares up at the sky, and the stars are viciously bright. Dean knows that this shouldn't hurt as much as it does, because it's not like this is anything he hadn't thought a hundred times before. It was just… hearing it like that from Cas, the way he said that it was beneath him, so coldly. And what he'd really been saying, of course, was that Dean was beneath him. And, hell, that isn't something that Dean needed to hear. He has never felt his humanity so keenly. Of course he knew that Castiel was an angel, but sometimes it had felt like… like they were friends. And there had been times when Cas had looked at him or said something that had made Dean feel like he was special, maybe for the first time in his life. But clearly it had meant nothing.

It's only now that Dean notices how quiet it is. Like, weirdly quiet. Even if it's the middle of the night, there's always some kind of noise in a town like this. There are cars in the distance, or racoons going down garbage bins, or night-owls watching infomercials on TV. This is just uncanny. None of the houses have their lights on either. "Hello?" Dean calls, quietly at first, then louder when he gets no response. He walks up the drive of one of the houses, and rings the bell. He hears the sound echoing in the hallway before silence devours it again. Nothing. Dean sets off down the street, because maybe it's just here, maybe there will be some signs of life somewhere else. Although he's starting to doubt it. He thinks that maybe he's all alone here. And he thinks that that might not be such a terrible thing.

There's a sort of alleyway between two of the houses leading into the next street, and Dean cuts through it, with no real purpose in mind. It might take him somewhere different, that's all. It occurs to him that he can do anything, go anywhere, and there will be no one to stop him. It's so still. So still that Dean can hear the silence ringing in his ears, and he clears his throat loudly, just in order to hear something. The only one. He's never thought about what he would do if he was the only person in the world. He's not entirely sure how long he can last like this, but then he's always been a resourceful guy. If there isn't another switch, if Dean is stuck in this universe forever, if he never gets back home… he thinks he can live with that. No one to answer to, no one to protect… True, he'd be stuck with nothing but his own thoughts for company, and Dean's thoughts are often far from pleasant, but at least this way he won't be screwing up anyone else's life. There is another sharp pang as he thinks of Castiel again, and he tries to push it away.

In all honesty, he can't blame Cas for being mad at him. And Dean really shouldn't have said some of those things, but it was so hard when you're trying your damndest to forget about how you feel for someone, and then they keep turning up and being all oblivious. He shouldn't have pushed things, though. It wasn't really Cas's fault that he could never understand what it was Dean wanted. He thinks about that time he'd tried to fix Cas up with that, well, hooker. He doesn't know what he'd been thinking. Although… although perhaps it had just been because there were certain things he hadn't been ready to admit to himself back then. After all, why else would he have tried to get Cas laid at the one place that he'd known that the angel definitely wouldn't like? He'd known all along that he wouldn't go for that girl, that it was safe and nothing was actually going to happen. Damn it! Why did it have to be him, of all people? If Dean had to fall for someone, why couldn't it be someone… normal? Or at least human?

Dean has had an idea. He's going to keep on walking until he reaches a bar. And then he's going to help himself to enough alcohol that he forgets Castiel's name.

"Dean."

"Damn it, what?"

Castiel is standing at the far end of the alley. "We weren't done. Don't think you can just walk away from me that easily."

Dean balls his fists until his nails dig into his palms. "I don't know. I think we'd both said more than enough."

"Dean…"

"No! Look, I… I'm sorry about… about what I said, okay? It was out of line. Now can we just leave it? I can't do this with you and more, Cas!"

Cas walks up to him, and Dean wants to get away, but he can't seem to move his feet. The angel is looking at him so intently that it's as if an iron band is tightening around Dean's chest.

"I don't want to talk about that. I only came here to remind you of your duty. Dean, I have been through too damn much with you to let you do this now. You cannot stay here."

Dean laughs bitterly. "You know what, Cas, screw you. For a minute back then I was feeling bad because I actually thought I'd hurt your feelings. But now I've remembered that you don't have any."

Before Dean's even aware of what's happening, Castiel has grabbed the front of his jacket and slammed him up against the wall of the alley. "You have no idea what I feel," he says through his teeth. "How dare you pass your judgement on me?"

This is the closest they've been in a long time, and Dean considers that it's kind of ridiculous that that's all he can think about when Cas could kill him in an instant with just a flick of his wrist. "And why shouldn't I?" he says, because it would almost be better if Cas did hurt him. "Why shouldn't I? It's not like you ever stop judging me, is it? It's not like anything I do is ever good enough, is it?"

"Good enough for who, exactly?"

"For… for you! I have tried so damn hard for you, and it's never enough is it? You're trying to convince me that I'm wrong, and that you can feel what I feel, but that's bull. You don't feel anything at all. I was right – you are dead."

The angel's grip on him tightens, and Dean has to fight for breath. "You have no idea," Cas says, his voice dangerously quiet. "If you knew what I was capable of feeling…"

"What are you going to do, Cas?" Dean chokes. "Kill me?"

For a moment, Dean thinks that the angel might just do that. There's an almost wild look in Castiel's eyes that Dean's never seen before, and he's starting to think that maybe this time he's gone too far.

But instead Cas does something that Dean definitely isn't expecting. Castiel, angel of the Lord, heaven's rebellious warrior, pins Dean up against the wall and kisses him.

Dean thinks for a moment that he's going to pass out. This cannot be happening. There is no way that Castiel can actually be kissing him; he has to be dreaming. But… he's not. Okay, so it's kind of clumsy. It's hard and a little painful and their noses are smooshed together and, well, Cas has clearly not done this before, but it's happening nonetheless. It's real.

Cas pulls away just as abruptly, although he doesn't loosen his grip on Dean's jacket. Dean can see a look of dawning realisation in the angel's eyes, and he knows that if he doesn't do something very quickly, Cas is going to freak out and disappear on him. And Dean's damned if he's going to let that happen now.

Dean reaches a hand up to clasp the back of Castiel's head and, before the angel can do anything to stop him, he pulls him back into the kiss. He feels Castiel grow tense, but Dean's not going to let him go now; he knows that if Cas really wanted out, it would be only too easy for him to free himself. Dean leads the kiss this time, and does so gently, thinking that he'd been right about how soft Castiel's lips would be. And then there's the delicious moment when he feels Cas give into it, become pliable, and… and Dean still can't quite believe that this is happening, but it is, and somehow it's too much and not nearly enough all at once.

Cas parts his lips slightly, and Dean deepens the kiss, loving the little noise of surprised pleasure that Castiel makes. He snakes his other arm around the angel's waist and turns them around so now Cas is the one pressed up against the wall. It's as if time is standing still for them, as if the universe has shrunk down to this dingy little alleyway in this empty city. Dean has to remind himself to breathe. Castiel's tongue is like velvet against his, and it makes his head spin.

Dean pulls away just a little. He gently bites Cas's bottom lip, plants kisses along his jawline, down his throat. Cas lets his head fall back, and Dean feels him shudder. Cas smells so good. He… the way he smells reminds Dean of home. Home in Kansas before his mom died. Dean is reminded of home-baked cupcakes and fresh lawns and his dad's leather jacket. It's terrifying him how much he wants this.

"Dean," Cas says shakily. "Dean, what have you done to me?"

"I don't know," Dean replies, his lips still pressed against Castiel's throat. His voice is unsteady too. "About the same thing you've done to me, I reckon."

"I can feel, believe me. You made damn sure of that. Dean…"

Dean pulls away so he can look at the angel. There's a faint flush in Castiel's cheeks and his lips look like… like they've been bitten. It makes Dean feel a surge of possessiveness to know that it's because of him, and that he's the only one to have done this. "Yeah?"

Castiel looks at him with cloudy eyes. "When I'm with you, it… it makes my insides ache. How do you do that?"

"I… don't know."

Castiel traces the lines of Dean's face with his fingers, like he's learning him by heart, and Dean closes his eyes breathlessly. When their lips meet again, Dean knows that Castiel is just as hungry for it as he is. He knows that it doesn't matter anymore that they're so damn different. All that matters is that Castiel is his friend, his lover, his parent, his brother, and his saviour. And he knows that, gut-wrenchingly terrifying as it is, Castiel is everything he's ever really needed.