Okay folks – it gets worse. I warned you!
"Married?" he whipped his head around to look at her.
"Well, maybe. I mean the feeding, in some cultures the sharing of food is used to show the joining of a man and woman – and then there was the exchange of the necklaces." She looked flustered all of a sudden. "I really don't know Sir – but it doesn't mean anything, even if that's what it was – not to us."
"No." He stared off in space for a second. "I guess you're right. Maybe it's a good thing anyway; pretending to be with me will offer you a measure of protection."
"Protection? I think I can take care of myself Colonel." She sounded a little 'huffy' not liking the idea of having to have a male protector.
Jack turned and grinned at her, knowing exactly what was bugging her. "Carter, I know you can look after yourself but in this case it's better to be safe, yadda, yadda. By pretending to be my – ah – mate you're not going to be hassled. And anyway, those guys are strong! If they wanted to, you know, hurt you they'd be hard to fight."
She knew that what he was saying was true, and in fact, the protector thing hadn't bothered her that much – it was the whole 'marriage' thing that had upset her. It just made the whole situation that much more uncomfortable. Although, glancing over at Jack, she had to admit that everything about this situation was pretty uncomfortable. She'd never imagined, in her wildest dreams that she'd be sitting down being fed by her naked CO. She could feel a grin starting and ruthlessly quelled it. The Colonel would kill her! She thought for a moment about Daniel and Teal'c – she was definitely going to have some leverage with the Colonel for a long time!
The jabbering crowd around them finally calmed down. An old crone, who looked like she only had one or two teeth left in her mouth, walked over and took her hand. She then turned and gestured to the Colonel. Turning around she led them over to one corner of the cave where there was an empty space around an unused fire-pit. She gestured to them and then left.
The two officers looked at each other (although Sam kept her eyes from dropping below neck level) and then looked around at their new 'home'.
"Cozy", Jack said.
"Well, it has blankets Sir", she pointed over to where a pile of furs lay in a heap. "There is also a pot and what looks like a spoon."
"Well then, we're all set; all the comforts of home. You don't see any clothes lying around do you?"
"Uh, they don't seem that big on clothing Sir."
"No, I kinda got that. Let's see if we can turn one of our blankets into some pants. I'm freezin' my cajones off here."
"Yes Sir." She couldn't help but grin as she walked over to the pile of furs. Out of the corner of her eye she could see the Colonel approach, his hand strategically placed.
She had to admit to herself that he was one fine looking man. Trim and well muscled he had nothing to be ashamed of as he walked around naked. The quick glimpse she'd had of his 'attributes' showed he had nothing to be ashamed of there either.
Down girl, she said to herself. Don't be getting any ideas!
"This might work if we had some scissors and a needle and thread." He held up a well-worn piece of hide that looked relatively soft.
"Here Sir, give it to me. I bet I can get something from one of the other women. They must do some sewing – at least the women here have a form of dress."
"Hey Carter?"
"Yes Colonel." She turned around in response to his question.
"How come they didn't make you take your clothes off?" He sounded peeved at the 'unfairness' of his predicament.
"I don't know Sir. Just luck I guess." She was smiling openly now.
"Yeah, well it's not fair. Next mission you get to be naked, okay?"
"Okay Sir." She went over to where a small group of women were sitting, chuckling as she went.
After a few minutes she seemed to be able to get across what it was she wanted. One of the women got up and returned a few minutes later with what looked like a bone knife, a crude needle, also made of bone, and some thread (clearly made from some part of an animal). Thanking the woman, through gestures and smiles, she returned to her 'home'.
"I've got the things Colonel. We'll have to figure out what to make you. I don't know if my sewing skills are up to pants and I don't think we have enough leather anyway."
"Here, I'll figure something out." He reached over to take the supplies.
"Do you know how to sew?" she asked in surprise.
"I can wield a needle with the best of them Major. Wouldn't win any awards but I can manage simple things – and I think this is going to be pretty simple", he muttered.
For the next little while her attention wandered between the Colonel and what was going on in the cave. She was curious about the life style of these primitive people – wondering if it matched what she'd read.
She could tell that they had family groups, with the male clearly dominant. Most of the people looked extremely rough. It was hard to tell how old everyone was – but she expected they were much younger than they looked. Their harsh life and lack of cleanliness probably added years to their age.
After a while she noticed that there were more men than women. Again, this was not unusual for most societies before the advent of modern amenities like fresh water and healthy food. She expected that a lot of women died in childbirth. Although there were a number of children running around she would also not have been surprised if the infant and child mortality rate was high.
Having more men than women must cause some real problems, she thought. Especially since, based on last night's experience, this tribe was very 'virile'. She wondered if the inequity in numbers caused problems in their community. Just as she had that thought she glanced up and saw the big, ugly male who had mauled her. He was staring at her with what she could only describe as hunger in his eyes. It was quite frightening and she found herself edging closer to the Colonel.
"Something wrong Major?" She should have known that he'd pick up on the fact that something was bothering her. He always had a sense about those things with his team. It was probably what made him such a good team leader.
"It's just that guy." She nodded subtly with her head. He glanced casually over to the side. "He keeps staring at me and it's giving me the creeps."
"Stay away from him Carter. I think – no, I know he'd love to get to you. Just stick close to me when he's around."
She nodded, knowing that her pride wasn't worth getting in to trouble.
"There!" Jack looked proudly at his creation. As far as Sam could tell it was – well, actually she couldn't tell what it was. "Turn around Carter – I'm gonna try it on."
So, again she turned around and listened to the Colonel swearing and struggling to get into his newly made 'whatevers'. She knew it must be difficult with only one arm.
"Do you want some help Sir?" she asked sweetly. He simply grunted and then swore.
"Are you sure Colonel? I'd be glad to help." She couldn't help the twinkle in her eyes.
"Ts'alright Major, I've .. just.. about .. got …IT." He let out his breath and looked down at his new clothes. Okay, they weren't perfect, but at least they covered the important parts. He didn't feel quite so – well, naked! "Okay, you can turn around now."
She slowly turned and looked at the Colonel, who looked quite proud of himself. She had to count to ten real slowly and think of anything and everything she could to keep from bursting out laughing. It was – interesting to say the least.
"Ah – very – ah."
"Just spit it out Major!" he frowned at her.
"Well Sir, it covers you." That was about all she could manage.
"Yes it does. And let me tell you, right now that's all I'm asking for!" He turned and walked back to the fire. She snorted and quickly turned the laugh into a cough although, from his narrowed eyes, she figured he suspected.
The leather 'pants' were more like diapers with a piece hanging down in front, suspended from a string around his waist. He was right that it covered him, although it didn't leave too much to the imagination. The back was her favorite part – it didn't quite cover him and she got a good glimpse of 'O'Neill Butt Cheeks'. There were really quite cute!
He sat down and gestured for her to come and sit too. Once they were settled he began to speak.
"So, what do you think about this?" He gestured around the cave.
"Well, for now it's probably not a bad thing to be here. At least we'll get enough food and we'll be able to keep warm. I'm a little worried about what happens if someone comes to get us."
"Yeah, I know. Me too. I agree though – with my arm still out of commission this is probably the best place for us, as long as we're accepted here. I just wish it didn't smell so bad."
"It is pretty ripe although I expect we'll start getting used to it."
"That's what I'm afraid of! I also don't really want to inspect those furs too closely. They must have been left by the previous 'owners' of this little condo. Who knows what's living in them.
She looked over to the furs and couldn't help but shiver. She really didn't want to think about how dirty they were.
"What do you think we're supposed to do when we're here?" she asked. So far no one had approached them after the ceremony, although she did notice that the people were starting to look at them expectantly.
"I don't know, although they'll probably want me to help hunt and fish when I'm better. My guess is that any healthy male that can help provide for the tribe is a good thing."
"And what about us women Sir?"
"Well, look around Carter. There are clearly not enough women and they need to keep the tribe going. I expect women are seen as breeders – the more children the better. I expect the death rate is pretty high."
He echoed what she had been thinking. Yes, she was sure that women's primary purpose, besides cooking (she didn't think they worried too much about cleaning) was bearing children.
"I assume that as soon as a girl is old enough she's 'married' and starts having children", he continued. "In many primitive cultures girls can be married as young as 12 and 13."
"That probably increases the mortality rate."
"Oh yeah, I'm sure it does."
"So, they want you to hunt and me to have - ". She stopped, not liking where this was going at all.
"Yeah, probably." The Colonel was watching some of the men who were playing some kind of game using sticks – or possibly bones. She didn't think he was paying that much attention to the conversation. She, on the other hand, was a little worried about where this was headed.
Over the course of the next few days she and the Colonel stayed pretty close to 'home'. She tried to get to know some of the other women, but they didn't do much more than giggle at her. With their limited language skills and primitive culture there just wasn't too much to talk about.
They did help her learn to 'cook' in her big pot. The food was rather unappetizing but at least there were some vegetables and it looked like the people did eat the berries she and the Colonel had tried to gather. For now, the tribe was giving them food as there seemed to be an abundance being that it was still summer. She was pretty sure come winter it would be different. By then the Colonel would have to contribute to the tribe or they would no longer be welcome.
The chance to rest was quite good for the Colonel. He was still pretty banged up so having to do little or nothing was just fine, for now. He kept his eyes open and tried communicating with some of the men but, just like with her, didn't get too far.
As far as leaving the cave, well that didn't seem to be an option yet. They were both allowed out to 'use the facilities' but were always accompanied. They figured the tribe wanted to keep them and were afraid they'd run off. Certainly they were treated well, they just couldn't leave.
As far as community was concerned it seemed that in this culture the men and women remained pretty much apart except in the evenings, when there was the nightly recurrence of the events that had shocked her that first evening. She and O'Neill knew enough to be under their blankets when that happened. She'd actually taken to plugging her ears, finding the sound effects too disturbing.
It was after they'd been in the cave for almost a week that she began to notice more and more strange looks. Mostly they were focused on the Colonel. It had started with the women but now even the men were getting into it. She wasn't sure what it meant but she didn't think it was good.
"Sir", she said softly, when she noticed a group of men looking at the Colonel and gesturing. "Did you notice that people seem to be staring at you?"
"Yeah, I noticed. I gotta say it's kind of freaking me out. I keep wondering if there's spinach caught in my teeth or something – but then I remember they'd think that was just fine! I don't know what it means."
They both started to feel slightly paranoid. The people in the cave were disturbed by something, but what, they couldn't tell.
Things came to a head one morning (no pun intended) when Jack stood up to go outside and passed by the old crone who, they'd agreed, was the tribe's 'matriarch'. She seemed to have some kind of status, even among the men, which she'd probably gotten by simply surviving to a ripe old age (she was probably 40 at the most they figured). As Jack walked by she reached out and grabbed him in the crotch.
"OW!" He pulled back but she was hanging on for dear life. "What the hell! Let me go." He tried to reach down and remove her hand but he was afraid to hurt her, not knowing what kind of trouble he'd be in for that. Still, she was squeezing hard and it was making him feel faint. Finally she let go and he fell back, almost falling down.
"What the HELL was that for?" He turned to her, practically yelling. She turned to the tribal chief and jabbered away, using some suggestive hand signals. By the time he was well enough to pay attention she'd finished and walked away. The chief was frowning at him. He wished he knew what that had been about. He really didn't like it!
When he returned he saw that Carter was trying to communicate with the old lady. She was probably trying to figure out what that had been about as well. He hoped she had some answers.
He went and sat by the fire and waited until she was done. Looking around he could see that none of the people in the cave would look at him. This was really getting weird.
"So, she tell you what the hell that was about?" he asked as she approached and sat down.
"No, not really. It's sometimes hard to understand them. She wouldn't tell me at all – seemed to think I should know."
"Yeah, well I'm seriously getting creeped out by these guys. First they want me to run around naked and now they've got their women going after the jewels. I don't like it Carter!"
"No, I can understand that Sir. You'd better stick close to me. It'll offer you some protection."
He turned his head to look at his Second, eyes narrowed. He was sure he could see a smirk on her face. She looked at him, oh so innocently – he didn't trust her for a second.
"Major?" he said suspiciously.
"Yes Sir?"
"Nothing." He leaned back and closed his eyes. He had to figure a way out of here.
Everything stayed pretty much the same over the next couple of days although he could see 'Igor' (that's what he'd named the big ugly one who'd attacked him) eyeing him repeatedly. He also caught him arguing with the chief and some of the other males on a few occasions. It worried him because Igor kept throwing looks and gestures his way.
Things got even worse the next morning. He was sound asleep, curled up in the smelly, but warm furs, when a hand reached carefully over and lifted one edge of his 'blanket'. It was done carefully, so he didn't wake up. The hand then reached down and lifted the leather he'd tied around his waist. Without warning he was woken up by more jabbering, only to see the old crone with her hand on his privates. With a shout he jumped up, practically ripping his shoulder off.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" This time he did shout – which immediately caused chaos in the cave, with women and children screaming. The old crone simply sat back with a toothless grin.
"What happened Colonel?" Sam leapt up beside him, not knowing what had happened.
"The old woman did it to me again! She was feeling me up. I've had enough of this Carter. What the hell is wrong with these people?"
She tried to calm the Colonel down although she could understand how he was feeling. It was very weird. She glanced over and could see the chief come and talk to the old woman.
She watched for a couple of minutes as the crone spoke in their simple language. It was the gestures, however, that enabled Sam to figure out what was going on. Oh God, she finally realized what was the matter. How to tell the Colonel?
As the noise in the cave settled down she turned to face him. He still looked furious – and freaked out. She figured that what she had to tell him would make him feel worse. She knew it had upset her.
"Uh, I think I know what this is about Sir."
"Really? Well, I wish you'd tell me!"
"Let's sit down." She thought it might be easier without him looming over her. This was going to be a difficult conversation.
"Okay. So, what is going on?" he asked as he sat on some of the furs, keeping a close eye on the crone who was still watching him.
"Well, remember when we talked the other day about the men's job being to hunt?"
"Yeah, I remember. What does that have to do with this?"
"Well, I don't think that's their only job." She stopped, not sure how to continue.
"So – what's their other job?"
"Ah – well, remember we said the women's job was to have babies?"
"I do remember this conversation Carter. I was there you know! I wish you'd just get to the - " He got it. All of a sudden he realized what was going on. Oh Shit!
"Yes Sir – uh the men are supposed to help with making those babies. I think that was a marriage ceremony and I think they've been waiting for you to- " This time it was she who stopped.
"To 'consummate' the marriage?" he asked heavily.
"Yes. I think so."
"So the old lady grabbing me?"
"Was to check and make sure you were – working properly. I think they were worried that you – uh – couldn't – you know."
"Yes, I know Major. Why in hell did she check me twice?" He looked at Carter who suddenly turned a dark shade of red.
"Well, I guess she figured first thing in the morning was the best time – Sir."
He just stared at her. This couldn't be happening. He really wasn't sitting here having a conversation about his morning 'hard on' with his female second in command. God, what had they gotten themselves into? He put his head in his hands.
Sighing, he straightened up. "So, any idea what they decided?"
"I think she said you're fine. They can't figure out why you're not 'doing anything'. I don't think restraint is a word these folks understand - or privacy. They fill their urges when and where they get them."
"And they get them a lot!" The Colonel added. She blushed a little more but had to agree. They were like a tribe of horny rabbits!
"They don't seem to have too many other forms of amusement." She agreed.
He looked at her seriously. "Do you think this is going to cause any problems?" As uncomfortable as it was they needed to talk about this.
"I don't know Colonel. I think they may be wondering if it's me. I wouldn't be surprised if they wanted to check me out. They've made a few 'comments' about my clothes. Maybe they think that's what's holding you back."
"Pff" he snorted. "As if a pair of BDU's could actually stop me!" He suddenly seemed to realize what he'd said. This time he blushed. "Sorry Major – I didn't mean it that way."
"I know Sir. It's ha- ur difficult to talk about his. It's not exactly something we've come up against before. I'm a little worried though. I have a feeling that if you don't 'do your duty' they may give me to someone else. As we said, women are in short supply here."
He looked at her, frowning. It was definitely a worry. He couldn't let that happen to his Major. No way! Glancing over at 'Igor' he knew the concern was real – very, very real.
"We'll figure something out. Don't worry."
He suddenly grinned and she wondered what was coming. "Good excuse though Carter. We could just say 'aliens made us do it'!" Her eyes got big for a moment but then she began to laugh – it was better than crying.
Soon though, they were both crying – from laughter. Finally they calmed down.
"So, what're we going to do about this?" he asked her.
"Uh, I think maybe we'll have to pretend …. Sir."
"Pretend?" He looked at her with his eyebrows raised.
"Yes Sir. Pretend to uh – you know."
"I do?"
"Sir!"
"Okay, okay Carter – I get you. I'm just trying to figure out how we 'pretend'. They seem to be pretty open about this", he paused, "hell, open! They're totally blatant about the whole damn thing. I've seen more in the last week than I've ever wanted to!"
"I know. I have to close my eyes and plug my ears every night."
"Yeah – I even tried humming." He didn't tell her that he'd had to do something to stop from hearing and seeing what was going on or he would have been very embarrassed by his reaction!
"So, Major, back to pretending. How do we do that and let them think we're actually – you know?"
"Well, we get under the blankets and I guess we just … pretend."
"You realize you'll have to ditch the BDU's?"
"I know." She said shortly. She was starting to sound peeved. The Colonel really wasn't making this easier. She suspected he was enjoying the whole thing.
"Okay. So, you any good at pretending Carter?" Oh God – that was so not a question to ask a woman. He could feel himself start to turn red again.
"I can manage Sir", she actually glared at him.
"Alright. So tonight we – pretend. I think we're going to have to be kind of noisy, like the locals."
"Fine!"
"And we'll have to move around a lot."
"Fine!"
"And I don't think they know the 'missionary' position. We'll have to be a bit more active."
"I said FINE Sir."
"Okay Major – I just wanna be clear. I don't want any 'misunderstandings'."
"I'm sure there won't be Colonel. We both know this is something we have to do. We'll just pretend we're acting or something."
"Nah – then I'd be imagining there were cameras filming me. I don't think I could do that."
"Okay then, do it for Uncle Sam!"
"Yech Carter – that's disgusting!"
"So – I don't know Sir. Close your eyes and think of 'Mother England'." She said, exasperated.
"I don't think I wanna think of any 'mothers' at a time like that Carter. Nah, I'll just think of one of Danny's lectures on ancient civilizations. That should make me go numb!"
"Numb?" she asked, a little bit hurt this time.
"Yeah Carter – numb. Whatever you may think, I'm a guy. Put me under the covers with a sexy, semi-naked blond and it's gonna be hard for me to 'pretend'. I need to be 'numb'."
"Oh….. Okay."
The rest of the day they went about their usual business of life in the cave. Sam avoided talking as much as possible – she was horribly uncomfortable and embarrassed thinking about the evening ahead. She was also amazed at how relaxed the Colonel seemed about the whole thing.
In reality he was far from relaxed. In fact, he was bordering on pure panic. As was normal in these situations (at least in 'panic' situations – he'd never been in one like this before) he used humor as his means of dealing with things.
He actually felt bad about that because he knew it was driving Carter crazy. Still, he was afraid if he didn't use his usual sarcasm and wit he'd end up in a blubbering heap.
How the hell was he to pretend to make love to Carter? He was scared to death that his body would completely give him away because there was nothing he wanted more than to actually make love with her. Listening and watching (okay, so he couldn't help it sometimes) to the cave people all week had caused his libido to build to extreme levels. This was going to be very, very hard! He laughed – yeah, that was an understatement O'Neill.
As the evening approached – and the time when the locals all began their nightly 'ritual' Jack could feel himself start to sweat. He prayed they could get through this without either of them being hurt or too embarrassed. He knew, though, that they'd have to put on a good enough show to prove to the cave-people that they had 'done it'.
This was going to take every bit of his acting skills!
"I think it's time Carter." he said softly. She wouldn't look at him but she nodded slightly. Without looking up she began to remove her pants. She thought it would look better for their 'audience' if she were seen to take off her clothes. She refused to take off her panties in the open – she'd do that when she was under the covers and would toss them out. That way people would know she was naked.
The Colonel was actually being quite kind. She had to remember that this was going to be as difficult for him as for her – probably more so considering what he'd said about being a 'guy'. She knew that for most men 'feelings', at least emotional ones, didn't have to be in the picture for them to enjoy sex.
He turned away as she crawled under the covers. She threw her panties out and then muttered a soft. "Okay". He turned and got under the covers himself. He then reached down and removed his leather pants and tossed them out as well. He glanced over and caught site of the old crone. She was watching them closely.
He turned to Carter. "Okay, I guess it's time to pretend."