Angst Alert!
"I mean it Janet! I feel fine, I am fine. I do not have a fever, the infection is gone and I'm GOING CRAZY stuck in here."
"I know Colonel, but you were really sick. I don't want to chance a relapse."
"A relapse? Why would I have a relapse? Look, I'll go home and lie around, watch TV, read, sleep. How is that going to cause me to get sick again?"
Janet looked at him carefully. "No beer?"
Sigh – "Okay, no beer."
"You can't order pizza and Chinese for every meal."
"Of course not! Not for every meal."
"Colonel! You have to have a healthy diet to get your strength back."
"Hey, I know that. I just want some variety. I mean, we've been eating pig stew for months! Look Janet, I promise to look after myself. I just want to go home."
"All right Sir. But you can't drive yourself. Those stitches are still healing and I don't want to undo all of Dr. Robart's work." Dr. Robart was the plastic surgeon who had fixed up the wounds from the Proku. He was going to look at the other, older wounds from the tiger at a later date. Jack wasn't sure he'd even get them fixed.
"Okay Janet – I won't drive, no beer and I'll eat healthy. Satisfied?"
"Yes Sir. You can go home."
"Hey Jack", Daniel spoke from the door. "Ready to go?"
Jack looked surprised. "How did you know I was leaving Daniel?"
"Janet told me you'd be ready to go this morning." Jack turned and scowled at the Doctor who just grinned at him.
"You were going to let me go all along?" he asked accusingly.
"Yes, well, you're definitely well enough to recuperate at home now. It'll do you good to get out of the mountain."
"Why the fifth degree then?" he asked.
"I just wanted to make sure you'd look after yourself. Remember, you promised no beer - "
"Yeah, yeah, I know." He stood up and began collecting his things. "You're supposed to be able to trust your doctor", he muttered, giving her another glare. Daniel laughed, knowing that Janet had again won the war with Jack O'Neill.
"Where's Carter?" Jack asked, surprised that she wasn't here to take him home.
"She's in her lab working on something for the General. He asked her to check out some results that Reynold's team brought back. She said she'd stop by and say hi on her way home."
He was disappointed but knew it wasn't her fault, not if the General wanted her to check something out. He'd wanted to be able to see her alone.
They'd been back just over a week and Sam had been a regular visitor. Unfortunately they'd had to keep everything strictly professional and had never really been alone. There were always nurses, doctors or members of SG1 hanging around. A number of the other teams came by as well, many of them teasing Jack about being taken down by a pig.
So, until he was out of here they didn't have an opportunity to talk to each other – or to General Hammond.
"By the way", Daniel interrupted his thoughts, "General Hammond wants you to stop by before we head out." Daniel reached out and took Jack's things. "I'll go get my stuff. Come down to my office when you're ready to leave."
"Yeah okay, thanks Daniel." Jack headed up to the General's office, wondering what was up. He had seen the General a few times since he'd been in the Infirmary and told him a few more details of their time on the planet. The official debriefing wasn't scheduled until the end of the week. The General was holding off on deciding about letting them go back to the planet. Since Jack wasn't up to the trip yet he wasn't too worried about the delay, although he did worry that the General would nix the idea completely.
Arriving at the General's door he gave a small wave to Walter and knocked.
"Come."
"You wanted to see me Sir?" he asked, standing formally in front of Hammond's desk.
"Sit down Jack. How are you doing?" His Second in Command certainly looked better although he was still pale and too thin. He was also walking a bit stiffly, favoring the newly stitched wounds.
"Fine Sir. Much better now that I'm out of the Infirmary."
"Now why doesn't that surprise me?" the General laughed. "I've never known anyone with such an antipathy for hospitals or doctors. Personally, I enjoy all those pretty nurses looking after me."
"Yeah, they look after you Sir. Me they just poke with needles!"
"You've got to learn to be sweeter to them Jack. They probably think you're too grumpy."
"And they'd be right Sir!"
Hammond leaned back in his chair and studied O'Neill for a minute. For all his bluster and sarcasm he'd rarely known such a fine officer. If there were more like O'Neill the war with the Goa'uld would have ended a long time ago. Either that, he chuckled to himself, or they would have all gone insane having to deal with the high maintenance Colonel.
"Was there something wrong Sir?" Jack was beginning to get worried. Hammond was looking at him very seriously.
"Wrong? No, nothing's wrong Jack, I just wanted to talk to you. We haven't said anything to you since you've been back. We wanted you to concentrate on getting better. But you should know that the war with the System Lords has really heated up. The Tokra have been hit badly and have lost a good number of their operatives. The free Jaffa movement has also been hit. We've heard rumors that a number of the System Lords are meeting and may be planning a concerted attack against our allies and possibly against Earth.
"But what about the Asgard? We're still a protected planet."
"Officially, yes. But the word we've received is that the replicators are causing too many problems and the Asgard are having to focus on them. They can't spare any ships – that was one of the reasons it took as long as it did to get to the planet you and Major Carter were stuck on. From Tokra reports it seems the Goa'uld are planning on taking advantage of the situation with the replicators and are going to ignore their treaty with the Asgard."
"So, things aren't looking too good?"
"No Colonel, not good at all. I know you're not ready to go out there again, and I didn't want to worry you, but I thought you should know. We really need you – you and SG1. As soon as you're back on your feet we want SG1 up and running again. You're one of our main lines of defense against our enemies."
Jack stared at him, a terrible sinking feeling hitting his gut. Closing his eyes he said a silent apology to Sam. They couldn't plan a life together – not now – now when the Earth needed them. He knew she would see it the same way but he also knew she'd suffer as much as he was right now. God, they could never get a break.
"Colonel?" He took a sudden breath and refocused on the General who was looking at him in concern. "Are you sure you're all right? You zoned out there for a minute."
"I'm sorry Sir, I was just thinking about what you said. If I'm one of Earth's first lines of defense then we're in big trouble!"
"I don't think so Jack. I know you downplay your role all the time but you and SG1 have done more for Earth than everything else we've thrown at these guys. Very rarely in my career have I seen a team come together like yours. In fact, you're more than a team – you're something pretty special. I don't quite know why it works but the four of you together seem to be able to hit those damn Goa'uld where it hurts." The General stood and walked around the desk.
"All I can say Colonel, is thank God we have SG1! Now you'd better get home and get some rest. We need you as soon as you're back on your feet."
Jack stood stiffly, suddenly feeling like he was a hundred years old again. "Thank you Sir. I'll be back soon, I promise." He turned to leave but stopped when the General spoke again.
"Jack", he turned to look at his CO. "Do you think Major Carter will be ready to go back out? Is she over everything from the last few months?" The General was frowning but Jack was pretty sure it was just normal concern for an officer who had been MIA for a number of months. He didn't think George suspected anything.
"She'll be fine Sir. She's a good officer, and a strong person. She'll be ready to rejoin the team as soon as I am." With that he walked out of the office. This time he didn't acknowledge Walter. In fact, he didn't even see him. He simply walked down the hall, too numb to feel anything. Knowing he wasn't up to seeing Daniel right then he opened the first door he came to. Seeing that it was a small storage cupboard he stepped inside and closed the door. Leaning up against the wall he could begin to feel the reaction hitting him.
Pounding his fist against the wall he looked up. "I guess it was too much to ask, eh? I should have known that I didn't deserve to be happy." He put his forehead against the cool cement wall. "I'm sorry Sam. I wanted this so much. I wanted us so much – but I guess it can't be." He stood quietly for a few more minutes. The pain had returned although he knew it was more emotional than physical. Feeling totally exhausted he finally straightened and opened the door.
"Sir." A very startled looking Captain stopped and stood at attention as he exited the closet.
"It's okay Captain. I was just checking the supplies."
"Yes Sir." The young officer watched as he walked away, wondering what had made the Colonel look like he'd just lost his last hope.
"Okay Daniel, I'm ready to leave."
"Oh, hi Jack. Let me get my things and I'll be right out." Daniel collected his jacket and a stack of books. Walking out of his office he turned out the lights and then starting walking towards the elevator beside Jack.
"Sam said she bought you a few groceries and left them at your place. I thought we'd go back and I'd make us some soup and sandwiches. There's a game on later so you can just rest and take it easy." Daniel pushed the elevator button and chatted as they waited for it to arrive.
It was only as they entered the elevator and Daniel pushed the button to take them up that he looked fully at Jack. He immediately reached out and hit the 'stop' button.
"What's wrong?" Jack turned to him, puzzled.'
"That's what I want to know", he said to the older man. "What's happened Jack? What's wrong?" His friend looked like death warmed over. In fact, the last time he remembered Jack looking like this was on their first trip through the gate those many years ago.
"Nothing Daniel. I'm just tired. Let's go." Jack reached out to get the elevator moving but it had only gone a few feet when Daniel stopped it again.
"What are you doing Jackson? I want to get home. I'm tired."
"Don't lie to me Jack. There's something seriously wrong. What did Hammond say?" When Jack didn't answer he continued. "Did he find out?"
"Find out? Find out what?"
"About you and Sam?"
"Me and Sam? What the hell are you talking about?"
"Look Jack, I'm not going to say anything, I promise, but I figured it out. I know you and Sam – well, I know you and Sam lived as a … couple … on the planet. I know it wasn't your fault, that you couldn't have done anything differently. I'm not blaming you – but I wondered if Hammond had found out and you were in trouble."
"I'm not in trouble Daniel and neither is Sam. There's nothing wrong. I told you, I'm just tired." He leaned up against the back of the elevator. He wasn't lying – he was so exhausted he felt like collapsing.
"And where the hell did you get the idea about me and Sam?"
"I know about these cultures Jack. I know that they wouldn't let you live 'platonically'. They would have given Sam to some other man. Like I said, I don't blame you. I'm sure there wasn't anything else you could do."
"Yeah – well there wasn't. A big, mean and very ugly Neanderthal would have raped Sam. You're right – we had no choice. Okay, now can we go?"
Daniel heard the desperation in his friend's voice so simply nodded and hit the button. He was extremely worried about Jack. Something was seriously wrong and he just wished he could figure out what it was. He wondered if he should contact Sam. Maybe she knew what this was about.
They drove to Jack's house in silence. The Colonel leaned up against the door of his truck, his eyes closed. As tired as he was, however, he couldn't sleep. All he could think about was Hammond's voice telling him how much SG1 was needed. He knew that that had to come first. He and Sam couldn't sacrifice their world because of their own desires. They were back to square one.
"Jack. Jack. Jack!" Daniel almost yelled his name.
"What Daniel?" Jack looked at his friend, a puzzled frown between his eyes. "What is it?"
"We're here. You're home." Jack turned startled eyes towards his house. He'd so been looking forward to coming home. Now the sight made him want to turn tail and run back to the SGC. No – he wanted to head back to the planet. He wanted to return to the cave, with Sam, and lead the simple life they had there together.
"Jack, are you sure you're okay? Do you need some help?"
"I don't know what I need Danny." With a heavy sigh he reached for the door handle and got out of his truck. He waited patiently for Daniel to grab his things and followed him to the door. He let the younger man open it and walked in behind him. Without looking around he made his way to the living room and collapsed on the couch. Putting his feet up he covered his eyes with his good arm.
He could hear Daniel moving about quietly but fortunately he didn't say anything. Jack couldn't have taken trying to talk or explain anything right now. He was too sore, too anguished. He just wanted to be alone – to grieve in peace.
"Sam's coming over later." Daniel walked back in and Jack could hear him set something down on the coffee table. When there was no more movement he opened his eyes. Daniel was sitting in the chair across from the couch. On the table in front of him was a sandwich and small bowl of tomato soup. There was a large glass of juice as well.
Jack simply stared at it for a moment. He wasn't hungry, wasn't thirsty. What he was he didn't know. He lifted his head and looked at Daniel.
"I don't want to see her right now", he said softly.
"Jack." Daniel shook his head. "That's not going to solve anything."
"There's nothing to solve Daniel. I just don't think – I can't – I -" He couldn't finish. Instead he put his head in his hands. "I don't know what to do Danny."
Daniel couldn't ever remember Jack sounding like this. He moved over and sat on the floor leaning up against the couch next to his friend. "Tell me Jack. What is it? Maybe I can help."
Jack gave a short laugh. "Don't think so Space Monkey. There's nothing anyone can do. She's gonna hate me you know."
"Who? Sam? No, I'm sure she won't." Daniel was trying to figure out what this was about. He'd thought things were going well between the too although, except for that small kiss of Sam's, they'd acted just like always. Maybe he was embarrassed? Or, maybe he thought Sam would hate him now for having had to – ah – he didn't want to finish that thought. Sure that that's what the problem was Daniel began to speak.
"Jack, she's not going to hate you! You did what you did on the planet to save her. She knows that. She's not going to hold you accountable for that – I mean – unless you forc- " He stopped and looked at Jack who was looking at him in confusion. "You didn't did you?"
"Didn't what Daniel? What are you talking about?"
Oh just spit it out Jackson, he said to himself. "Look, I know you had to have a physical relationship on that planet. But, unless you forced her – which I can't believe of you – there's no way Sam's going to be mad at you for that. It'll probably be uncomfortable for a while but once we're back as a team and are going through the gate I'm sure she'll be fine. She knows there was nothing else you could have done."
"Daniel – what the hell? You don't know what you're talking about."
"I thought this was about you feeling guilty for having had to – you know – with Sam."
Taking a deep breath Jack sat up. He knew his friend was only trying to help, that Daniel was worried about him. Maybe he should just tell him. He needed to confide in someone.
"Daniel, this isn't about me feeling guilty. Yes, Sam and I had to – have a physical relationship. It was expected – no, it was required. She was given to another man and I had to fight him to save her – then I had to 'bed' her. But it wasn't like you think."
"What do I think Jack?"
"That somehow what we did was just to save Sam from a 'fate worse than death."
"And it wasn't?"
"No damnit, it wasn't. We love each other Jackson. We're in love and we want a life together. We decided, before we came back, that we were going to speak to Hammond. Either I was going to retire or we were going to be asked to be reassigned so we could still be together."
"Well uh congratulations. That doesn't sound bad – although I don't really want SG1 to break up – but I will be happy for you guys."
"No. No you won't, because it's not going to happen."
"Why not? Did General Hammond find out?"
"No. At least I don't think so. He never let on if he did. No, he wanted to see me to tell me how bad things have gotten in our war with the Goa'uld. He told me that SG1 was Earths's first line of defense and he was anxiously waiting for us to get out there again."
"Oh God Jack", Daniel knew instantly what the problem was. His friends had come so close to finding happiness together and now it had been ripped out from beneath them. Knowing them both so well he knew neither of them would put their own happiness in front of their duty. "I'm so sorry. Does Sam know?"
"No, I didn't see her after talking to Hammond. I couldn't. I don't know what to say Daniel. I don't know if I can tell her. I love her so damn much!" The man was almost sobbing by this time. He put his head back in his hands and his shoulders began to shake.
Daniel got up and sat beside him on the couch and put his arms around him. He just stayed quiet, knowing there was nothing he could say or do. Who knew how much longer this war would go on. It could be years.
What made the whole situation worse is that the two of them had managed to work out a relationship, for years, that allowed them to serve together and remain friends. They'd carefully buried any feelings they had for one another. Now, however, those feelings had been allowed to come out into the light and had grown. Looking at Jack he realized that, for the last few days, he'd seen a man who was yes hurt physically – but also happy. Jack had had a lightness about him that Daniel didn't ever remember seeing. All of that had quickly come crashing down.
"I'm sorry Jack," he repeated. There was nothing else to say.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Without getting up Daniel knew it was Sam.
"Do you want me to leave?" he asked his friend. Jack just shook his head.
"No. Can you answer that? I don't know if I can deal with her right now." Looking at him Daniel could only agree. He looked even worse than a minute ago.
"Why don't you go lie down? I'll talk to her." The knock came again.
"I should - "
"You should lie down and rest. You can talk to her when you feel a bit better." Nodding, Jack struggled to his feet and made his way to his room. He felt like a coward but he was afraid he was going to break down.
"Sam!" Daniel opened the door.
Sam smiled and stepped inside. "I wondered if anyone was going to open the door." She handed Daniel a bag. "Some more groceries. Where's Jack?"
God, she sounded so happy! "He's sleeping."
"Oh, I'll just go and take a look - "
"No Sam", he quickly interrupted. "Come into the living room. I need to talk to you."
"What is it Daniel?" She looked at him in concern, suddenly realizing he looked upset. "What's wrong? Is the Colonel sick?"
"No, no. He's okay – he's resting. No Sam, something's happened and I need to talk to you." He drew her into the living room and motioned for her to sit on the couch. Sitting beside her he took her hands.
"You're scaring me Daniel. What is it?"
For the next few minutes Daniel explained what had happened. He told her about the General's words and Jack's reaction.
"He's devastated Sam. He wanted to see you but he's still sick and weak and I was afraid he was going to collapse. I made him lie down but I know he'll want to see you soon. He just needed to rest." He looked at the woman beside him and thought to himself that she looked just like Jack had. Before he had time to think anything else he could see the blood drain from her face and she collapsed against him in a dead faint.
"Sam!" He turned her so he could lay her down on the couch. Checking her pulse and breathing he was relieved – he was sure she had just fainted. It was shocking though – he'd never seen her react like this before.
"Sam. Sam. Are you all right?" He took a magazine and started to fan her, hoping to give her more air. It was only a few seconds before her eyes opened and she groaned.
"What happened?" She struggled to sit up.
"You fainted. Are you okay?" She looked at him and he was amazed to see her face turn from white to green.
"No." She covered her hand with her mouth and stood up. Racing towards the bathroom she'd only made it a few steps when she began to throw up.
"Oops" Daniel said softly. Jack was not going to appreciate that – she'd managed to get his fabric armchair. That was going to have to be cleaned.
As soon as she was finished Daniel gingerly took her by the arm and supported her to the bathroom. "Are you feeling better?"
"A bit."
"Why don't you get in the shower? I'll get you a drink of water and I'll find you some clean clothes – then I think you'd better lie down."
He left her to get a glass of water from the kitchen. Knocking on the bathroom door he handed it to her through the crack when she opened it a bit. "I'll get some clean clothes."
As he walked down the hall he could hear the sound of the shower starting.
He walked into Jack's room and saw his friend curled up on the bed, staring blankly off into space.
"Jack, do you have some sweats?" he asked softly.
"Huh?"
"Do you have some sweat pants and a t-shirt or sweatshirt?"
"Yeah, in the dresser. Why do you need them?" Jack answered without expression, not really caring.
"I need them for Sam."
"Sam?" he looked up at that. "Why does she need clothes?"
"She was sick. She's in the shower but she threw up on herself."
"Threw up? God, what's wrong?" He sat up suddenly and groaned as he pulled the stitches.
"I told her what happened with Hammond. She was upset Jack and it made her sick. She's okay now, don't worry. I think it was just the shock."
"Oh God. What've I done?"
"What have you done? Don't you dare start to blame yourself for this! This is not anyone's fault. There was nothing you could do. This is just a sad reality that you both have to deal with. Even if you can't be together you can be there for each other. Support each other through this. Don't go and get all filled with guilt. That won't help anybody."
"No, you're right Daniel. I just wish to God this had never happened."
"What? You wish you hadn't fallen in love with her?"
"No, not that. I'm glad I did – not that I could have stopped it anyway."
"Oh, I see. So you wish you didn't get stuck on the planet and have to live together?"
"No – I'm glad we had that time. It was – something I'll always remember."
"So, what is it that you wish hadn't happened? The war? I think that's something we can all wish for. I wish it hadn't happened either – I'd still have my wife."
Jack looked up suddenly at that and felt another strong twinge of guilt. Here he was, feeling sorry for himself. But he still had Sam, even if they couldn't be together. Daniel had lost his wife, first to Apophis and then to death. He had had to bear so much more and he'd survived to become the strong, compassionate man he was today. Standing up he walked over to his friend.
"Thank you Daniel." He reached over and put his arms around the younger man. "You're a true friend and I don't know what I'd do without you." Daniel smiled and slapped Jack gently on the back.
"We'll get through this Jack. The four of us – we'll deal with it. And it isn't the end you know. This war can't go on forever." Jack snorted. He didn't really believe in anything anymore – except maybe SG1.
"Here", he motioned to Daniel to give him the clothes. "I'll take them to her."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. We need to talk." He walked out of his room but then turned to look at Daniel. "We're going to need you you know – you and Teal'c."
"Yeah – don't worry. We'll be there."
That night Jack lay on his bed, his arms curled around the woman he loved. They had allowed themselves one final night together. Not to make love – but to be together. To hold each other and tell one another how they felt. They spoke words of love and of longing. The spoke of dreams and hopes that could no longer be – of a life they both desired but couldn't have.
As the sun came up that morning they knew this was goodbye. From today on they were teammates, comrades and officers. They were no longer lovers, no longer soul-mates – no longer a couple. But they were friends. That would never change.
As Sam stood at the door she turned to him. "I love you Jack."
"I love you too." As she stepped out to where Daniel was waiting for her she spoke one last time.
"Goodbye Colonel, I'll see you soon."
"Goodbye Major. Don't work too hard."
He stood there until her car was no longer in sight. Then, walking back into his house he softly closed the door. He headed to his living room where he sat down. Picking up the remote he turned on the TV and looked for the game. Finally finding the right channel, he leaned back and began to watch. Colonel O'Neill, a man alone, was back.