Their aching hearts
Mr. the Director,
I find that I can no longer name you; that would be showing you far more respect than you now have in my eyes. I had thought that now that good old Voldipants was dead, and I still alive, something that I'd never really held too much hope for, but here I am although not for much longer, I had hoped to finally gain some peace in my life. You left me to a life in hell with my aunt, a scornful woman without Magic, jealous and vindictive. Her hatred of me was and is without limits, the child that she thought the cause of the death of her beloved sister Lily. My uncle and cousin were worse than her, my presence alone was enough to upset my aunt, so I had to be punished for ever being born, even more so for having Magic; just like Lily, so they tried as they might to beat and starve it out of me. For my first eleven years, I wasn't fit to have a bedroom, although there were two spare rooms, I lived in the cupboard under the stairs, I had a mattress and the baby blanket I arrived with. I spent my days locked in that dark place, only leaving to use the toilet twice a day, if I needed to go more often, I soiled myself, for which I was then punished for being a dirty little freak.
When I was five I was already assuming all of the housework and the cooking, that's right, and if I dared to burn anything my hands would be forced to the burners by my aunt then I'd be thrown back into the cupboard while they left to eat out. Did you never wonder why I was so much smaller than the other kids? I had to cook three meals a day, but I was never to partake in them, the first time I sat at a table to eat was at the opening feast in my first year at Hogwarts. I was allowed one slice of dry stale bread each day and a glass of water, but under punishment I could go for days without, I couldn't count the days, I was either too young to know how, or I was totally in the dark so I couldn't always tell day from night, and of course there were the times when I lost conscience, from either hunger or pain.
Did you know that at my first day at junior school I was sent to the corner as punishment because I refused to answer the teacher during roll call? I was so happy to get to school away from my family, why would I have gotten in trouble the first day then you may ask; it's quite simple and a horrendous truth to admit, at six years old I didn't even know my own name, I was waiting for the teacher to call "Freak" or "Boy", so when she called Harry Potter why would I answer? I couldn't answer when my birthday was either, they never told me. The teacher thought me slow, I couldn't say any different, I knew nothing, and should I do better in school than my cousin I was of course punished heavily, having to stay at home from school for days on end locked up in the dark to hide the bruising from prying eyes; my aunt would write a sick note, no one ever came to check. I wasn't allowed friends, how could I invite them over to play in my room? My cousin beat up any kids that came near me, they soon learned. My very first present ever was my beautiful Hedwig that Hagrid offered me. At Christmas I was simply made to cook for them, then shut away with my piece of stale bread. Where were you then? It seems that you only wanted me for your war, but not as Harry an abused child who needed help.
Who sends out the Hogwarts letters, is it you, did you mess that up too, or are there others among the staff who just don't care to see what's in front of them, or is it that they do care but won't go against you, I do wonder, I guess I'll never find out now will I? You had to send hundreds of letters to Privet Drive, did you not? Each letter that arrived was addressed to Harry Potter - The Cupboard Under The Stairs – 4 Privet Drive, and no one knew? Each letter was burned before me, who'd want to write to a freak like me, right? Dursley decided that we had to go on the run, people were talking, there were owls, hundreds of them in our street in broad daylight each one waiting for my reply that would never come. Did you think the Muggles wouldn't notice? We found refuge on an island in the middle of nowhere, one bed for them, the sofa for my cousin and the floor for me. I waited in my eleventh birthday that night, then just after midnight Hagrid broke down the door to take me away. He was shocked as he had a lot of explaining to do, no one ever told me I was a wizard, just a freak, no one ever told me my parents names, I just knew that they were a pair of good for nothing drunks who killed themselves in an accident after one too many drinks on a night out, which also explained my scar, I was the only survivor of the accident, I looked like my drunken father, so was hated.
Did you tell Hagrid to lie to me so I'd be a good little soldier, how come he told me before I knew any witches or wizards that they turn evil if housed in Slytherin, just like my parents murderer, that nothing good could ever come out of that house. Lies of course, but I knew no better then; I was a gullible kid ready to believe anything I was told, after all, I'd just found out that Magic was real, why would Hagrid lie about the rest? That being said, at the time you knew that Pettigrew had betrayed my parents' location, he wasn't in Slytherin, and as for Severus Snape, he'd already been your spy for years at the time, he was anything but evil yet as Slytherin as they come. Then again as I know that you looked out for him just as you did for me, I can understand why he's bitter, why didn't you expel Sirius for attempted murder in their fifth year? Oh of course, you wanted to keep Black on the light side, and didn't want Remus in trouble with the Ministry, Potter too was in on the plan, but felt guilty at the last minute and saved the day. How could you do that? One of your students was deliberately sent by two others down to the Shrieking Shack where he ran into the forth student Remus Lupin in his werewolf form; Severus would have died had Potter not panicked at the last minute. I've seen that memory in your office where you gave him points for doing the right thing, took a few from Sirius and had the nerve to take the most points from Severus, the attempted murder victim, set up by the Marauders because he was out after curfew. Did he ever tell you that's why he went to Voldipants?
At home during the holidays he was treated little better than me by his drunken father, he like me came to school to escape that life, and when his life was put in danger you congratulated the guilty party and he the victim was punished. Did you know that after that night the Marauders were ten times worse with Severus, they were on a high, knowing you would do nothing to step in and stop them. Severus is a very proud man, so I'm sure he never told you, but you are the eyes and ears in this school, you should have done something. The day that he called my mother a Mudblood was the worst day of his life; he and Lily had been best friends since long before Hogwarts, having Potter hoist him upside-down in the air revealing his old and grey worn underwear for all to see, especially Lily, hurt his pride, he lashed out, regretting immediately his harsh words, but Lily was hanging out with the Marauders by then, she refused his attempts to apologize, he had no one left to defend him and those Bastards knew it, from what my mother wrote, I would even guess that Potter never loved Lily, he simply took her from Severus out of spite.
Did you know that Slytherins look out for their own, they have to, because they know damned well that no one else will, don't you think that's sad? Lucius Malfoy took Severus under his wing, taking him to meet the great Lord Voldemort not yet the mad man we all came to fear, he actually had some very good ideas for the Magical World, but never got to implement them, his search for power perverted him too soon. Voldemort promised Severus the finances he needed to finish Hogwarts and to gain his Potions Masters. (His father having drank away their fortune). His offer extended to ridding him of his abusive father, an extremely poor beaten and downtrodden Severus accepted.
Voldemort followed through; he financed his time left at Hogwarts then his Masters in Potions and made damned sure he never had to return to his father again. Once again you can see one Slytherin helping another in times of need. Did you tell many people that Voldemort aka Tom Riddle was a poor little orphan boy stuck in a Muggle Orphanage where he too was badly abused, physically, mentally and sexually; why is it again that he hated Muggles? He was used and abused by them; no one from the Magical World came to his aid. Do you know of the shame one feels at not being able to defend oneself against Muggles? Using your wand in the Muggle world leaves your risking expulsion from Hogwarts and your wand being snapped at the least, and at the worst facing a trial in front of the Wizengamot as I did for the use of underage Magic when I was fourteen defending my cousin and myself from Dementors. So you, the victim hide your shame, you tell no one; even more so if you're supposed to save the world like me; how could you be so weak to let mere Muggles get the better of you and hope to win against a mad Wizard? So Voldemort; just as I and Severus before me begged you not to return to the Muggle world for holidays, you always refused even then, didn't you? It seems to me that you are blind to abuse when it suits your higher goals.
Getting back to me, yes I hadn't finished, I found my first ever friend on the train to Hogwarts, he was just as bias as Hagrid, Ron being the child of Order members, was he asked to sway me too? He was a bigot an ass, he had a terrible temper and wasn't always loyal, but Merlin I miss him. He was far more than a friend to me, he was my brother. Getting back to the Hogwarts Houses, do you remember that the Sorting Hat took it's time with me, longer than any other student? I had to argue with it to not be put in Slytherin, yes that's where I was headed, but after Hagrid's and Ron's warnings, I didn't want to turn evil, I'd only just discovered Magic, but I knew that I wanted to do good with anything that I might learn, the Hat was most insistent, I just kept on begging "not in Slytherin, not in Slytherin" It got you what you wanted didn't it old man? Your Golden Boy couldn't possibly be Slytherin, so much better if he was a brave Gryffindor.
Each year at Hogwarts I had to fight for my life or for that of another, were you testing me then? I can't imagine otherwise how everything that could go wrong always ended up in my lap. Fighting and knocking out a Mountain Troll with Ron's help, having to kill a teacher and for the second time Voldemort, just in my first year, I was eleven for Merlin's sake.
Fighting and killing a sixty foot long Basilisk and killing Voldemort for the third time plus saving my dearly departed friend Ginny, in my second year, I was twelve, where were the responsible adults?
Third year I came face to face with Dementors on the train, thank Merlin Remus was there to give me chocolate. But later in the year I came face to face with Moony without his potion, who saved me? Not you, it was Severus, the same evening I had to face two hundred Dementors and fight them alone, then rescue Sirius from the Dementors Kiss Minister Fudge wanted inflicted upon him, you did nothing but give me a Time Turner to help me gain time. You didn't want to dirty your hands I suppose. I'll remind you all the same that I was thirteen.
Forth year got me enrolled into the Tri Wizard Tournament, reserved for adult students only; you did nothing to pull me from that danger. I faced a Hungarian Horntail alone, I had to find and save Ron from the depths of the Black Lake fighting Grindylows and Merpeople and I faced the giant labyrinth. Cedric Diggory was a great young man, we both arrived at the Trophy at the same time, we fought over who should take it, Cedric said that it should be me, being so much younger than him, I had earned it. My opinion was that it mattered little; if we took the trophy together we still assured a Hogwarts victory. Cedric and I grabbed the cup together; not knowing that Voldemort's minions had transformed it into a portkey ready to whisk us away. Cedric died seconds later right before my eyes, as Pettigrew killed him for being "the spare". I witnessed the rebirth of Voldemort; I even participated as he needed my blood to compete the ceremony. I then had to duel the mad man before being able to escape back to Hogwarts. Another thing I'll never know how did I pull James' and mum's shadows from his wand if they're not dead? I do hope you didn't plant me a false memory of that night to fit yet again your plans. Oh yes, nearly forgot; I was fourteen.
In fifth year, you constantly ignored me as I was sharing visions with Voldemort, they helped you out fine though, I saved Arthur Weasley from certain death with a vision that I had. You forced Severus and I to work together to help with controlling the visions, it was a nightmare, at least to begin with, we eventually became friends, then more as you know, you let a school teacher torture students, not just me, although I did seem to be her favourite target, she used Veritaserum on kids! Dolores Umbridge belongs in Azkaban. Then of course I led my friends to the Battle at the Ministry, and why was that? To save my Godfather and collect the copy of the first prophesy; the contents of which you already knew, but you couldn't let Voldemort hear it now could you? Sirius died that night, you showed up too late, the battle in the veil room was already over, five kids battled against Death Eaters until the Order came to give a hand.
Did you know that Sirius had promised to adopt me, he was a bastard in his school years, something he openly admitted and truly regretted. Years in Azkaban had changed him, how could you let him rot in there for twelve years knowing he had done no wrong? He was my surrogate father, he really cared for me, he knew how bad things were here for me in the summer, you had to clear his name for him to take me in, but that didn't fit your plans did it? Otherwise you could have cleared his name years before. I was fifteen when I watched my surrogate father die and my hopes of having a loving family died with him.
Sixth year, this year I'm only sixteen, still a child; which you do like to remind me of when it suits you, like sending me here for example; yet I'm old enough and have been for years to fight battles that aren't mine, battles meant for fully trained adults, where even trained Aurors die, yet you still send me in. At Christmas I lost my best friend Ron, his sister Ginny and their father; a good man, a year nearly to the day that I saved his life from Naguini's bite. I can't say that I've had the time to really mourn them, the final battle was only months later. And there I lost the last connection to my past, Remus died taking down Greyback, I cannot mourn my dear friend, as I cannot accept that he is no longer here for me, you know of course that he applied yearly to adopt me, to take me away from the Dursley's each and every time he was refused because of his Lycanthropy, your archaic laws need serious reviewing. How could I be safer with child abusers than with a werewolf taking the Wolfsbane potion?
I have only three close friends who'll mourn me, just Harry; their friend, not the Golden Boy, not the Saviour and certainly not the Boy Who Lived Yet Again To Kill He Who Must Not Be Named, tell them I'm sorry, Neville Longbottom, so much more to him than people see; Luna Lovegood, a brilliant Seer, if she saw this coming I'm glad she never warned me, I may have topped myself before the final battle then where would you all be? Then her future husband who has been both an enemy and a great friend to me Draco Malfoy, I'll miss the smarmy git were I'm going.
My family in my heart the Weasley's, I don't want them to mourn me, simply be thankful that this torturous life has finally released me.
Voldemort took everything he could from me, my surviving him cost me Hermione, last remaining member of the Golden Trio, oh how I hated that name; apparently I needed to be dead for her bask in the glory of being the fallen hero's best friend, she had the gall to tell so from her bed in St Mungos.
The only thing he didn't manage to take was my lover, Severus, during the final battle I fought for him, I fought for me, I fought for us, that we may finally find happiness in this word that had so cruelly treated us both. But even his love for me has been so cruelly taken away, in fact I never had it in the first place, I was just his surrogate Lily. Oh how it hurts to think that while we were together he was thinking of her, does he know that she's alive? If so, are they finally happy together without me in the way, their dirty little freak? Did Lily tell you that James is not my father, but that it's Severus? That's what she told me in her letter that I've joined here. I've been committing incest for a year with my father, on reading Lily's letter I've been sick, I've been crying, how could we mistake father and son sentiments for something so much stronger, he was my life, my everything. For me it was love, for him it must have been lust, he only ever loved Lily. So I have a dad who's not really my dad, I never knew him anyway, he left me behind on your orders old man, I have my real dad who was my lover, I have a mother who's just ripped my heart out, and I have two brothers that I'll never meet, leave them alone old man, you've done enough damage to this family already.
I love Severus with my heart and my soul; I can't stop these feelings even though I know it's so wrong, it's sick, it's love in its most perverted form. I can't live with myself, let alone among others knowing what I have done, I feel so dirty, tainted. Yesterday I was happy knowing that I would see my Sev today, now I'm just broken. Sev told me once that he'd always love Lily as the sister he never had, but he lied to me if he's my father as Lily claims, maybe he thought with Lily being dead I'd never know. I'm rambling, I know, it's the pain my last beating and the ongoing starvation, I can't think too straight anymore.
I hope you are happy with yourself old man, you got what you planned all along from me, I got rid of Voldemort when you couldn't, my victory assures your peace. I'm glad that I won't be there when Severus finds out he's my father, I couldn't bear to see his disgust in me and in himself, will this kill him too when Voldemort couldn't ? You who had told us so many times that we were like the children you never had, I'm happy you didn't have children to inflict this kind of fatherly love on, it's deadly.
Death is just the next great adventure, isn't that what you always say? My adventure ends here with my life, my soul is black from the murders I've committed for your peace, I've committed incest, that won't open heaven's gates for me either, I've lived a life in hell, that's where I'll be in death, I'll meet you there later old man.
Harry James Snape
The silence in the office was deafening, Harry had poured out his heart and soul, he had shown them what they had done to him, and it wasn't easy for the three adults to accept their parts of responsibility for Harry's life and death. An extremely lonely child who had had far too many worries thrust upon him by adults who should have been there protecting him.
Lily took the hardest blow, she heard the preschool years related, she heard of Harry's time at Hogwarts, she heard of Severus' pain; but it all blew away to nothing when he mentioned the letter she had written in the hopes of finally having a loving family with Harry and Severus at her side, single handedly she had destroyed her son, and his death led to Severus'. Lily was trying to understand how her letter could have pushed her son over the edge, she needed to understand.
If James had had a hard time accepting his son's treatment at the hands of Lily's Muggle family, his son's rendition of his school years was mind boggling. When Harry spoke of Severus' home life, how miserable it had been, finding no escape from the torture even in school, then hearing that the Marauders' actions, combined with Lily's and Albus' had pushed him over the edge and into darkness, he had been physically sick, worse still, in a fit of rage he had killed the man the previous night. Merlin, he had so much to repent for in his life. Then Harry spoke again of his life, and how it had finally been destroyed, not by Voldemort but by his wife. He started violently shaking; his anger coming off of him in waves, Albus had to stun him before he let off another Avada Kedavra.
All the while Samuel and Ethan sat quietly in a corner playing chess and sucking away on lemon drops, oblivious to the drama unfolding around them.
Fawkes came to sing to James, calming him enough to continue with the reading of Lily's letter, to try to understand how everything went so wrong.
Lily was now hysterical; she hadn't implied that Severus was Harry's father, but the father she would have chosen for him, why had he misunderstood, why didn't he wait for more information to understand? James just lost his temper again, telling his wife that while he may have killed Severus, she had killed her son, taking from him the only thing he had left to live for whether it was intentional or not. Albus stopped the couple's arguing before it got out of hand, they had to understand that Harry lived day by day waiting for the next person that he loved to be ripped away from him, he thought he'd lost his parents when he was young, he found his Godfather who did indeed love him in return, they got on so well together, but yes, Sirius was a criminal on the run so they rarely met up. He knew that Harry hadn't mourned Ron, Ginny and Arthur, he hadn't had the time, the war effort was more important than lying around feeling sorry for himself, and he'd find the time later. They were a part of his surrogate family, although he missed Ron dearly, he had to stop Voldemort before he killed any more members of his family. Then Remus died, Albus had had his suspicions that Harry wasn't handling his loss, after the final battle he never once asked after him, he didn't go to his funeral, it was as if he was off on some mission for the Order and that one day soon he'd return. Harry had already lost more people than he could cope with, for his mental stability; he pretended that Remus was still around, just elsewhere. Being already at this point, it was easy to understand how the thought of losing his one love to his mother had pushed him over the edge, he'd gone to the point of no return.