Author: LadyFromPoland

Disclaimer: I don't own "Merlin". It is a TV show which belongs to BBC.

Warning: SLASH

English is not my mother language.

That chapter is not as long as previous ones but I hope it's worth reading. And one more thing... DO NOT KILL ME!

Dearest to his heart

Chapter 9

"Storm"

Merlin felt miserable but he agreed when Morgana asked him to go and visit Gwen. The woman hoped that the visit would cheer the warlock up. He needed it the most of all people.

The sorcerer looked down at the child in cradle. The little boy had dark, a bit curly hair and brown eyes which were glancing up at Merlin.

"He's awake," the warlock told Gwen. She and Morgana were sitting in the corner of the room, chatting.

The young mother stood up slowly. "And he's not crying?" she asked in disbelief. In a few seconds she and Morgana stood beside Merlin.

Guinevere took her son in her arms and examined him very carefully. The boy's eyes were clearly looking for Merlin. "I think Dominic likes you," Gwen said to the warlock.

Merlin seemed to be afraid of that idea. "I don't think so..." he said quietly. "He's just staring at me."

"And he's smiling," Morgana noticed. "There's a bond between you two."

Gwen nodded quickly. "Dominic is restless when he sees someone for the first time. Yet he's quiet and jolly now."

"He's not even one week old," the warlock said. "You cannot know him so well."

"Of course I can." Gwen was almost offended. "I'm his mother. I can feel when he's happy and when he's troubled."

Merlin did not answer. He thought about his own mother. He missed Hunith very much. It pained him that he couldn't be as close to her as Dominic was now to Guinevere.

"You should hold him," Gwen broke the silence.

The warlock thought that she was talking to Morgana. However after a few seconds he realised that both women were looking at him.

"No." Merlin shook his head. "You can't be serious... You know how clumsy I am. I don't want to hurt Dominic."

"You won't," Morgana assured him. "I know that you can be careful if you want."

Merlin wanted to protest once again but Gwen was already giving him the boy. "Don't be afraid," she said softly. "He's just a baby... You faced many dangerous creatures. I'm sure you can cope with my son."

Dominic was light and very lively. Merlin watched him in amazement. The boy was so young and he didn't know yet about the cruelty of the world. It seemed so unreal to the sorcerer.

Merlin smiled sadly. He hoped that Dominic would never feel the pain that he was feeling.

"You see..." Gwen said after several seconds or an hour. The warlock lost concept of time. "Nothing bad has happened."

The Court Magician wanted to believe that. Dominic seemed fine and it was the most important. However Merlin himself still felt horrible. He couldn't imagine his own future. It would be way too painful.

"You've got wonderful son, Gwen," the sorcerer said after a while. Then he gave it back to the woman.

Merlin thought that Dominic was too happy and cheerful. The warlock feared that if he had held the boy too long, he would have cursed his life. Perfectness and calmness were not the words that could describe Merlin's personal world. It would have been an unforgiven sin if he had passed his misfortune on to an innocent life.

Dominic was closing and opening his eyes steadily. The warlock knew that it was probably a normal thing but he couldn't help feeling terrified. There were love and trust in these eyes and it made Merlin feel that he missed something in his own life.

"I should go," he said shortly.

Morgana sighed. "Okay... Let's go then."

The sorcerer glanced at the noble woman. "You can stay," he told her. "I'm capable of finding the way to my chamber."

"Thank you for permission but I've come here with you and I'll leave that place with you too," she said. "And it has nothing to do with your skills, Merlin. I'm a noble lady and I shouldn't walk alone. What would people think?" she asked innocently.

"As if you cared," the man muttered. "You walk alone all the time and people know very well that it's the way you are."

"Well... Maybe just once I want to do things properly?" Morgana joked. "Let me just say goodbye to dear Dominic and we'll come back."

Merlin nodded, not wanting to waste time for words.

It took the sorceress a while to bid farewell to the little boy. In the end she promised him and Guinevere that she would pay them another visit soon.

When they were about to go out, Merlin looked at Dominic intently. "Bye," he said, waving his hand. The warlock was still highly astonished by the miracle of a new life, which could still do anything with his life. New life had white, unwritten card. He didn't have.

oOoOo

Arthur saw them. Morgana and Merlin were going towards castle. The woman's arm was rubbing against Merlin's. The king could not imagine such closeness. He didn't remember when Morgana had been so tender towards someone else. It suddenly became clear to him that she had always been so fond only of Merlin.

"Their affair must be strong. It obviously lasts long," Arthur murmured angrily to himself.

He felt a sudden urge to kick something or someone. Luckily there was no people around him. No one was supposed to see him so weak. What he felt in his own chamber had to stay inside its walls. It was the major rule that he had promised once not to break.

oOoOo

Miranda usually knew where and when she was supposed to be. However this time it was more her luck than some cunning plan. She was going to spend the early afternoon in castle's gardens, thinking about what she should say to Merlin next time. The princess loved that sweet opportunity of choice. It made her feel powerful.

The woman didn't notice the king in the corridor but he saw her immediately. Arthur didn't think too much about what he was about to do. He simply caught up with Miranda and held her hand.

"Arthur?" she asked, surprised.

The man did not say anything. The words suddenly seemed the thief of time. Arthur had only wanted to drown the strange feeling of regret and emptiness. He craved the silence.

Abruptly Arthur and Miranda were really, really close. The king closed the gap between their lips as soon as possible. He kissed the woman way too fast and hard to call it romantically. But Miranda didn't feel offended. It was exactly what she had wanted to gain. Arthur was desperate and it didn't matter what made him feel like this. Now the king was easy to manipulate.

"I shouldn't..." Arthur mumbled when they pulled apart. He wanted to take a step back but Miranda stopped him.

"No," she said. "It was amazing."

The blonde didn't need anything more. He pushed her lightly on the wall and kept on kissing. He was able to do anything to erase the images of Merlin and Morgana.

Miranda kissed him back passionately. She had noticed someone of whose presence Arthur had no idea. Merlin was watching them from the end of the corridor. The distance was quite large but the woman had no doubts that his face was broken. She thought that it was better that Arthur hadn't noticed his friend. If he had, he would have seen these feelings. Then Miranda's efforts could be lost.

oOoOo

It was almost like a delirium. Merlin didn't think about the sense of what he was doing. It was just happening. The man didn't know how but he had lots of paper in front of himself. It was probably the work of his magic but these powers were out of his control now.

Merlin only knew that he was drawing Arthur, Miranda and their kiss. He had never had a gift in such kind of art but now his works looked quite realistic. When the drawing was done, he simply tore it and burnt the scraps in the fireplace. Then he took another piece of paper and repeated the rite.

The sorcerer spent the whole afternoon this way. He knew that his actions were pointless and stupid but he couldn't help himself. Tearing these pictures apart let him erase the unwanted images from his mind for a short moment. However it was coming back every time. There was no escape but those few, precious seconds.

Miranda found him in that state. She didn't even pretend that she was surprised.

"Look at yourself now," she said with amusement. "The great sorcerer... the most powerful one... What a shame!"

"You're evil," the man whispered, really meaning these words. He hardly ever define people this way. He always tried to find good in them or just understand their reasons.

"It's a big word, Merlin," Miranda said quietly. "I've done nothing wrong. I just showed you the truth. Now you know how Arthur feels... Actually I did you a favour. You can be finally free. No dreams and hopes..."

"I've never hoped," the warlock murmured. "I've accepted the truth long before I met you. Arthur... I've known him so long. And he changed because of you... You must have done something! I don't want nothing more but an old Arthur." Merlin tore last piece of paper and threw it into flames. "I want my friend back," he whispered in the end.

The princess sighed. "You don't understand one thing, Merlin," she said smoothly. "Your old Arthur is gone. Actually he was a lie." She smirked lightly. "You lived that lie and it's time to face up to the truth."

"No!" Merlin shook his head. "It wasn't a lie! It couldn't be... just couldn't..."

"It's always hard to believe that the one we love doesn't care for us," Miranda whispered. "You fell in love with the wrong person. With a man!" She reminded him. "You should have known better."

"I didn't choose it..." the warlock said weakly. "It just happened."

"You must know that people consider such feelings wrong and unhealthy." The woman watched every broken inch of his face. It made her feel a winner.

"It just happened," Merlin repeated helplessly.

Miranda smirked widely because some cruel thought crossed her mind. She was going to make a little more fun of the man in front of her. "What if you could actually chose?" she asked innocently.

"What?" Merlin asked. He wasn't sure what she was up to.

"If you could change your feelings, would you do that?" The princess crossed her arms, waiting for the answer.

The sorcerer's bottom lip started trembling. "Leave me alone," he snarled.

"Then I guess you wouldn't," Miranda whispered. She glanced at Merlin with disgust and left the room quietly.

The warlock buried his head in hands. He knew that he looked piteously but it didn't matter. In his life there was no longer place for pride.

oOoOo

"The storm is coming," Lizie said, coming up to the window. "I hate storms."

Morgana looked at her maidservant. The girl was quite worried but rain and lightings couldn't be the only reason. There was a hidden message in Lizie's words. The message that the maid probably didn't understand. Morgana, however, felt the bitter and familiar alarm tingling.

"Me too," the sorceress agreed after a while. "We can never know what it brings."

Lizie turned around and smiled comfortingly at her mistress. "Don't worry," she said. "We're safe here, in the castle."

Morgana nodded, even though she wasn't really convinced. She felt that the evil lived within castle walls and that one of her name of Miranda. The storm was ruining the kingdom from the inside.

Once again: DO NOT KILL ME ;)

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