Author: LadyFromPoland

Disclaimer: I don't own "Merlin". It is a TV show which belongs to BBC.

Warning: SLASH

English is not my mother language.

I'm sorry that I didn't update last week. We just discovered that our dog had two major diseases (something with lungs and his kidneys stopped working). We tried to save him but he died on Wednesday anyway. I just couldn't write then. It didn't feel right.
Well... At least now I'm giving you a longer chapter.

Dearest to his heart

Chapter 11

"Red Wine"

Arthur woke up much later than he was supposed to. Nevertheless he felt the lack of sleep. The truth was that he had fallen asleep just before the dawn. It was going to be the hard day and the fact that he was supposed to look perfect in the evening didn't help him. The king started even thinking that he could try to take a nap in the afternoon. The idea was tempting but Arthur felt that it was almost impossible. Being a king meant lots of things and he just couldn't take a break during such an important day. It was definitely out of the question.

The blonde stood up slowly and stretched lazily. He started wondering why his servant didn't come yet. Then the king saw a tray with food that was put on the table. Arthur smiled lightly. His servant brought him breakfast but didn't want to wake him up. The boy must have known that it was going to be a long day for his king. Arthur couldn't help thinking that it was very kind of him.

Arthur sat down and was about to start eating. The strange thing was that he wasn't hungry at all. Nevertheless the king made himself eat. Food provided strength and he needed it now more than any other day.

"Sire." Arthur's servant came into his master's chamber without knocking.

The king glanced at him and noticed his raven hair and bright blue eyes. Arthur realised that the boy was more similar to Merlin than he had thought.

"Peter..." the older man said. "What time is it?"

"About ten," the boy informed him.

"Very well. Prepare some clothes for me," he ordered.

"Yes, sire." Peter bowed lightly.

"And don't forget about ceremonial robes for the evening..." Arthur thought a while. "I also want to have a bath before today's feast. Don't forget!"

"I won't, Sire" the servant assured him. When the king didn't order anything else, he walked up to royal wardrobe and took some clothes from its inside.

Arthur grabbed them and he hid behind the screen. He didn't allow any servant after Merlin to dress him if it wasn't necessary. Soon after his coronation the blonde had realised that someone's strange hands on his arms didn't feel good.

oOoOo

"Merlin?" Gwen couldn't believe her eyes. Her old friend was standing in front of the door of her house. After his last visit she didn't suppose to see him soon.

"I can go away if I'm disturbing," the warlock said. "I won't feel offended."

"Of course you're not disturbing," she assured him. "I'm just slightly surprised. Please, come in."

The man went inside and followed Guinevere.

"You're here to talk about some problem or..."

"I want to see Dominic," Merlin said quickly. "It won't take a lot of time."

Gwen smiled lightly but she could feel that something was wrong. There was more sorrow in Merlin's eyes and even in his voice. The man even seemed to be more pensive.

They came into Dominic's bedroom. The boy was sleeping quietly in his cradle.

"I'll just sit here and watch," the sorcerer said pointing at an alone chair.

"Okay," Gwen said. "I... I have something to do. I can leave you, can't I?" she asked.

"Of course you can. I don't need attention. Just go and do what you have to." Merlin looked at her a bit encouragingly.

Guinevere nodded and left the room.

The warlock sat on the chair, which stood near the cradle, and looked down at the boy. When the echo of Gwen's footsteps died away, he was sure that she couldn't hear is words. "I've come here for a reason, Dominic," Merlin whispered. He knew that he was talking to a sleeping child but he needed to tell someone. Dominic was an easy choice because the boy wouldn't judge him or tell anyone else. "I've come here to say goodbye," Merlin continued after a while. "I've made up my mind. That situation is sick and I can't stand it. And if I'm fed up, I need to finish it all." The warlock dared to stroke Dominic's hair. "That's simple, isn't it? I only hope that you will never have to make such decision." He wiped a tear up. "I thought about it all night and I came to the conclusion that it's the best solution. They don't need me any more. He doesn't needs me..." Merlin's lips trembled lightly. "Camelot is a great kingdom. Now there's a lot of good sorcerers and sorceress here. They can make sure this place will be safe. You'll be safe." The warlock stood up suddenly. He had said everything what he wanted, if not too much. "Goodbye," he whispered in the end and quickly got out from the room.

"You're leaving so soon?" Gwen asked him in the corridor.

"I have to," Merlin lied. "You know... Arthur's engagement. I'm the bloody Court Magician. I need to prepare myself for the evening."

"Of course," the woman said a bit doubtfully. "Bye."

"Goodbye, Gwen," Merlin said quietly and left her house.

oOoOo

Morgana took her seat by king's chair. Princess Miranda was supposed to sit by Arthur's other side so Merlin lost his usual place. The warlock had to sit down beside Morgana but he didn't seem to care much. The sorceress saw that he didn't want to have opportunity to talk to Arthur.

The chairs for king and princess were still empty while almost all guests were already sitting on their chairs. However no one seemed to be tired by waiting. Arthur was a good king and everyone respected him. A brief delay couldn't change it. Miranda was a guest in Camelot and now people realised that she was pretty important. Even if they weren't fond of her, they had to respect her. She was going to become their queen very soon after all. Besides it was their evening. They were supposed to come gracefully and impress everyone.

When they finally went into the Feast Room, all eyes were focused on them. Arthur was wearing his ceremonial robes that everyone knew very well. However Miranda looked stunning. The princess was always a very beautiful and attractive woman but now excelled herself. She wore her hair in a loose bun which was made from her perfect, red locks. A long purple dress hugged her breasts perfectly. Miranda truly looked more like some goddess than a real human.

Merlin was watching every of her movements silently. Seeing it, Morgana started wondering if looks could kill. The things would have been easier if it actually could.

Before Arthur and Miranda could take the seats, everybody stood up and started applauding. Everybody had to smile even if it was pretending. Just then the king and his fiancée sat down and all court followed them.

"I wanted to thank all of you for attending this feast," Arthur announced. "As you must know, it's a very important evening... Probably one of the most important in my life."

Merlin rolled his eyes and Morgana wanted to do the same but she smiled bitterly instead. She had a bigger experience in hiding her true feelings.

"I'm not going to address long. It's not my intention to make you fall asleep." Arthur laughed lightly. Morgana heard a little nervousness in his laughter. "I just want to thank dear princess Miranda for accepting my proposal. She is a wonderful woman and I'm sure she'll make a great queen."

Miranda smiled sweetly at her fiancé. "I will do everything to not fail you," she assured him.

Arthur bowed at her. "As I've said it's a short speech. Now just let me raise the first glass to my fiancée. For princess Miranda!" he said aloud raising his chalice.

"For princess Miranda!" Guests repeated and followed their king's gesture.

The feast began.

oOoOo

Merlin barely ate and drank. He knew that these things didn't matter any more. He had already made a decision and now he could be the Court Magician this last evening. There was one thing that Merlin knew for sure. He thought that nobody would cry for him. At least it wouldn't be the only person he wanted.

The said person was now dancing with his future wife. It pained Merlin more than anything but he had to admit that they looked good together. He, of course, knew that Miranda didn't deserve the title of Queen of Camelot. She didn't have a soft heart and was actually a cold and devious bitch. Power and wealth were all that she cared about.

Merlin knew that Arthur saw none of these things. The king saw what he wanted to see. There had been time when Merlin would have tried to open his friend's eyes. He would've done it eagerly. But now the warlock was tired and broken. He thought that if Arthur had wanted Miranda to be his wife, he would have been blinded by love. Merlin couldn't fight with his friend's love while he couldn't cope with his own feelings.

The sorcerer turned his gaze away from Arthur and glanced at Morgana. He noticed that she was watching the royal couple too. Merlin was aware that the woman didn't want Miranda to become queen. There was sadness in her eyes and the warlock felt a sudden connection with her. He felt a bit guilty because he was going to leave her with Miranda and all problems that the red haired woman would cause. However he also felt that he couldn't change his mind. Merlin had already fulfil his destiny and there was no place for him any more. He had to slide into shadow.

oOoOo

Arthur tried to focus on Miranda. They were dancing and he was supposed to enjoy it. People were watching them so he felt a bit strange. The thought that there were eyes which stalked his every move was quite frightening. When he was fighting, things seemed different. Combats were natural, just like breathing. Dancing with Miranda felt unfamiliar.

The king danced because he knew that guests and his fiancée expected it. However it only made him feel frustrated.

Suddenly Arthur found himself glancing at Merlin. At first he thought that he wasn't looking at him more than at the others. After a while, however, the king realised that it was not true. He simply watched Merlin. He started wondering what the other man was thinking. He started noticing that the warlock was actually sad.

Arthur was supposed to think about the beautiful woman whose hands he was holding. But there was a major difference between what he was supposed to do and what he was actually doing. The feeling that he was in the wrong place filled his heart. The thoughts that this dance, this feast and his whole engagement were madness crossed his mind for the first time. It was a short moment but it left a small hole in his heart.

Then the king focused on Merlin again. The warlock was sitting by Morgana's side but they were barely speaking. Arthur started wondering if they'd had some fight. He couldn't understand why but he wished that they had. The blonde started imagining that he would then go and comfort Merlin. Arthur knew that his thoughts were ridiculous but he had plenty of them recently. It even stopped feeling so sick.

Abruptly Arthur noticed Sir Leon. The knight walked up to Morgana and said something to her. The woman glanced at Merlin and the king felt that something was definitely wrong. He wanted to do something to stop Leon and Morgana because he felt that they were hurting Merlin. However Arthur was helpless.

oOoOo

Sir Leon stood over Morgana. The woman looked at him and gave him a shy smile. She couldn't wait to hear what he was about to say.

"My lady..." He bowed lightly. "Would you dance if I asked you to dance?" he asked innocently.

Morgana turned her head lightly to glance at Merlin. The warlock didn't even seem to notice Sir Leon. She thought that he noticed nothing but Arthur. Morgana wanted to share a dance with Leon but she wasn't sure if she could leave Merlin in such state. A short mental fight took place in her mind and finally she decided that the sorcerer wouldn't care.

"You cannot ask directly, can you?" Morgana asked turning her attention back to the knight.

"I asked directly," Leon said firmly. "In a safe way."

The sorceress rolled her eyes. She didn't care that it didn't suit noble ladies.

Leon bent over lightly and whispered, "he'll be fine."

"I know," Morgana said almost noiselessly.

Then she stood up and let him hold her hand. Morgana was curious if Leon was a good dancer. She had never seen him dancing with anybody. It could mean that his dancing skills were poor or that the knight was a bit shy. Besides even if she couldn't enjoy the dance, the closeness gave them opportunity to talk.

oOoOo

Merlin had enough. Watching Arthur with Miranda was a torture, not a pleasure. He could not believe that he was standing it so long. He had already fulfilled his duty of Court Magician. The warlock didn't see a reason to stay longer.

The dark haired man stood up and walked away slowly. He stopped at the doors for a short moment to look around the Feast Room. His eyes found Morgana and Leon. The woman watched him so he quickly turned his gaze away. Then he looked at Arthur. Merlin was seeing him for the last time so he was trying to give him farewell. The king had no idea that it was their soundless goodbye. Merlin wanted it this way. It was easier.

oOoOo

Arthur noticed Merlin's empty chair. He couldn't just stop dancing and look around properly. However he tried to dance in the way that he could check every part of the room. It took him a few minutes but finally he discovered that there was no sign of him.

"Can we rest?" the king asked Miranda.

"I wondered when you would get tired," she said. "I'm impressed. You've stood much longer than I thought at the beginning."

"Thank you," Arthur murmured and he led her to their chairs. He wanted to sit down as soon as possible and think.

Morgana and Leon joined them very soon. The woman had told the knight that she had a bad feeling and that she wanted him to help her.

"Princess Miranda?" Leon turned his attention towards red haired beauty.

"Yes?" the lady took a look at the knight.

"Would you give me a pleasure of dancing with you?" he asked smoothly. Leon knew that it wouldn't be a pleasure but he had to sacrifice himself.

"Only if Arthur agrees," Miranda answered.

"My lord?" Leon asked Arthur. Both he and Morgana prayed that he would say yes.

The king looked at his fiancée. "Of course you can dance with Sir Leon," he agreed. It was clearly seen that he was wild-eyed.

Leon and Miranda walked away leaving Arthur and Morgana alone.

The dark haired woman watched the king very intently while he didn't look at her at all. The silence was almost unbearable. Morgana started to feverishly wonder what to say. There was no time to waste. Miranda would come back soon.

Suddenly something unexpected happened. Arthur was the one who started talking.

"Where's Merlin?" he asked simply, still avoiding eye contact.

"He's not here," Morgana said quietly.

Her answer annoyed Arthur and he threw an angry look at her. "I can see that," he snarled.

"He's probably in his chamber." The woman tried to stay calm but it was harder and harder with every second.

"Why has he gone there?" Arthur didn't give up. He wanted to hear that she had hurt him. He wanted to see her guilty because of Merlin.

"Maybe he is tired," Morgana guessed. "Besides he was never fond of such an official feasts. It's not his world."

"Or maybe he didn't want to watch the person that cares about with someone else," Arthur said angrily.

Morgana felt that the situation was serious. The worst thing was that Arthur was right. Merlin hadn't really wanted to see his love with someone else. However the king did not understand that it was about him, not her.

They fell silent. Arthur was simply angry. Morgana wondered how to explain everything to him. She knew that the king wouldn't listen to her reassurances that there was no affection between her and Merlin.

oOoOo

The sorcerer was in his chamber. The only source of light was a small candle on the table. Next to it there was a chalice filled with red wine. Merlin looked down at the cup knowing that it was containing his last drink.

The man's hand was shaking when he raised the vial. After a few seconds of hesitating he poured the poison into the chalice. In the dim light Merlin noticed that the wine changed a colour. It became redder.

Merlin grabbed the cup and smelled the wine. He shivered. "So it's the end," he whispered smiling sadly. "I love you, Arthur..." Then he sipped the poisoned wine from the chalice.

The chair rocked.

oOoOo

Arthur hadn't been so annoyed for a long time. He wanted these all people around him to disappear. They didn't let him feel like Arthur. He needed to clear his mind to find the solution for his utter confusion. Morgana's close presence made him only more angry. There was a part of him which wanted to hurt her badly. The king was afraid of this part. He didn't want it to take control over him because the consequences could be deadly serious.

Suddenly something did change. At first Arthur thought that something happened around him. However when he raised his head, he realised that everything was the same there. Guests behaved as during every sumptuous feast. None of them seemed to be troubled by some change.

Then Arthur realised that it happened inside him. The feeling of emptiness filled him. Firstly it occupied his heart but then it started to spread. After a while it was everywhere.

The king tried to understand his own state. He had never felt so torn in his entire life. It felt as if the half of his heart, the part of himself was taken away from him. Thinking of halves reminded him about two sides of the same coin. Suddenly it started to make sense. Arthur just knew that this feeling had something to do with Merlin.

The blonde jumped to his feet.

"Arthur? What are you doing?" He heard Morgana's thrilled voice.

"Merlin... I need to see him," the king mumbled and ran towards doors. He didn't care about the weird stares that he must have received.

Arthur rushed out of the Feast Room before someone could stop him and he ran upstairs. He knew the way to Merlin's chamber by heart and he would get there even if he went blind.

Cliffhanger? Please, review!