Author: LadyFromPoland

Disclaimer: I don't own "Merlin". It is a TV show which belongs to BBC.

Warning: SLASH

English is not my mother language.

It took me more than a week but I've finally finished this chapter. I'm afraid but probably I won't be able to update next week (how can they want us to read so much in such a short amount of time?). However I'll do it as soon as possible.
Now enjoy!

Dearest to his heart

Chapter 12

"Nothing was what it seemed"

The way to Merlin's chamber seemed unreal. Arthur felt as if he was moving out of the time. It couldn't take him more than two minutes but the king still felt that it lasted too long.

Finally he reached the door.

Everything seemed to stop when Arthur ran into Merlin's room without knocking. The king glanced at the only source of light in the chamber and then turned his gaze toward the bed. His world filled with darkness immediately.

"Merlin..." Arthur whispered. The warlock was lying on his bed, gasping for air.

The blonde knelt by his friend's side in time shorter than two blinks of an eye. He touched Merlin's sweating forehead and found out that he didn't have a fever. It didn't make sense to him.

"Merlin... open your eyes," he asked. His voice started to tremble. "Merlin..."

Arthur looked around looking for help or something what would give him a clue. His eyes rested on a small vial. He grabbed it to take a closer look. However careful examination wasn't really needed. A small skull told him everything.

"Merlin!" the king cried. He grabbed sorcerer's shoulder and started shaking his slight body. "I'm not letting you... I order you to open your eyes!" Arthur wanted Merlin to listen to his order just this one time. He wanted it so badly. "Stupid, stupid, stubborn idiot..."

"Ar...thur..." Merlin whispered weakly.

"Merlin?" the king looked hopefully at his eyelids. "Oh God, please..."

The warlock made himself to open his eyes. Actually they were half open but it didn't matter. He could see Arthur and it was comforting. Merlin wasn't even sure if it was the king himself or just a fruit of his imagination but he was glad to see these blue eyes for one more moment.

"You've come...?" Merlin asked finally. "I'm sorry... I..."

"It doesn't matter now," Arthur said quickly. "You don't need to say anything. You'll be fine... And then I'll shout at you for what you've tried to do but eventually I'll calm down and..."

Merlin cried silently. He felt that death was close. Although Arthur's words were sweet and he would have done much to hear them before, they were hopeless then and there. "Arthur... It is good... to see you... this last... time..."

Then his eyes closed again.

For a few seconds Arthur thought that he lost him forever. There were so many things that he wanted to tell him. There were so many things that he wanted to do with him.

The king put his trembling hand on Merlin's chest and felt relief. His heart was still beating.

oOoOo

Morgana was a clever woman so she knew that something major was happening in the castle. After a while she decided to follow Arthur. He hadn't been himself recently so it wasn't wise to leave him on his own.

People were staring at her when she was leaving the Feast Room in rush. They must have found her and Arthur's behaviour odd but Morgana knew that it would take them a longer while to start to worry.

The sorceress went upstairs as quickly as her long dress let her. She sometimes wondered how her life could be easier if she wore trousers instead of dresses. Men had an easier life. At least in case of clothes. Then Morgana shook her head in disbelief. It was not time for some silly thoughts about fashion and customs.

The part of the castle in which Merlin had his chamber suddenly seemed too dark and gloomy to Morgana. There was something baleful in the air what made her shiver. It couldn't mean anything good.

She needed to find out quickly what was happening. Uncertainty was worse than truth itself.

Finally the right door appeared within Morgana's sight. It took her only several seconds to reach it.

She ran inside and stopped in the middle of the room. Her eyes widened when she saw as Arthur was bending over Merlin. The great king looked broken and was definitely close to tears.

Morgana was not a stupid person and she understood the whole situation immediately. Although she didn't want to believe that it was true. While Arthur was ordering Merlin not to die, she turned her gaze toward the table. Then she recalled the vision and everything started to make sense.

Someone moved. It didn't look good. There was something desperate in the movement. Something desperate and fatal.
The sorceress could see in her mind's eyes as Merlin was falling on his large bed. She knew that he always considered it too big for him and his skinny flesh.

The table rocked. It looked clearly. It was not a blur.
Morgana felt a sudden anger. She had seen this table plenty of times and yet she hadn't recognised it.

The chalice fell down. The remnants of wine dropped on the stone floor.
She looked down. The chalice was lying there. It looked so innocent but Morgana remembered the rest of her vision.

The drops looked like blood. Very much like blood.
She moved closer and then noticed some red drops. It was frightening that they were so similar to human blood. She couldn't help thinking that those drops were actually a blood and that they once ran through Merlin's veins.

"Arthur..." Morgana said after a few seconds. Finally she realised that by standing, staring and crying they couldn't do anything. If there was still a chance for Merlin they had to hurry up.

The man looked up at her. He looked so piteously kneeling by Merlin's side. Morgana had been angry that Arthur was so blind but now she couldn't be mad at him. He cared for the warlock deeply. Even deeper than she used to think. Merlin and Arthur had been said to be two side of the same coin but now she truly understood the meaning of these words. They both had separate bodies but their souls were two pieces which couldn't survive without each other. Without Merlin Arthur would eat, drink and breathe but nothing else. He would be alive but there was not a real life for him any more. Camelot would lose the the Court Magician and the King as well.

"We need to take him to physician," Morgana said. "Nicholas should be in his quarters by now."

Arthur glanced at his friend. He was definitely at death's door.

"Arthur... he's still got a chance," the woman said as firmly as she could. Then she walked up to the king and took the vial away from him. "Nicholas will need it."

He nodded lightly. Arthur wanted to believe that Merlin could still be fine. They both went through many dangers so it allcouldn't end in such a stupid way. The king kept himself believing in a happy end of this situation. He needed to hope that it could make them stronger as other obstacles always had.

Thanks to hope Arthur found a strength to fight. He picked Merlin up carefully not wanting to hurt him. The warlock was too thin and too light and Arthur promised himself that he would try to change it in the future. Once the hope filled his heart again, he didn't let himself think that there would be no future for Merlin.

"Let's go," Morgana hurried him quickly. "We've wasted enough time."

"Go first and inform the physician," Arthur ordered her. He started to sound like a king again. "I'll be there in a minute."

Morgana agreed silently.

oOoOo

Arthur paced nervously up and down his chamber. It was middle of the night but he didn't even try to fall asleep. He couldn't sleep when his friend was on the brink of death.

Nicholas had ordered Arthur to stay away from his quarters. Although he was the king, he had to listen. The physician knew what he was doing and Arthur's presence would only slow him down. Merlin's life was at stake and Arthur couldn't risk. He valued his friend's life more than his own and he would do anything to save him.

There was one thing that Arthur couldn't understand in any way. Merlin was always willing to sacrifice his life for his friends. However he was not a person who would just commit a suicide. It was completely not like Merlin to give up. The warlock always tried to find a solution for the problems. The hope gave him more power than his magic.

Nevertheless Arthur knew that Merlin had tried to kill himself. There proofs were uncontested. Every time when the king closed his eyes, he saw his dying friend. Merlin had looked so powerless and miserable. Arthur had never wanted to see him like this. Merlin was supposed to be happy and smiling but most of all alive by his king's side. Arthur wanted to hear his advice in time of never-ending councils and needed to see his wide grins in the rainy afternoons. They always recalled warm summer days.

Arthur didn't know what he would do without him. Merlin seemed to be a part of everything what mattered to the king. It was almost impossible but it was true anyway. Merlin protected Camelot and her people. He was the person who was always willing to help the poor and these who suffered. Although as the Court Magician he had plenty of duties, he could always find a while to entertain some kids performing his magic tricks. Merlin was the person who was not afraid to tell Arthur what he was doing bad. That was one of the reasons why the king valued his judgements and advice so much.

There was also another part of Merlin. When Camelot was in danger he acted maturely but when there were no serious problems he was like the cheerful and carefree boy that Arthur had met many years before. The king liked when Merlin called him prat. It felt familiar and incredibly good. Although the warlock had sometimes called Arthur this way in wrong place and time, it hadn't really mattered. It'd been Merlin, his clumsy servant without whose his life would have been boring. Now Merlin was his Court Magician, Advisor and so many, many more. Arthur was aware that his life without his dear friend would be simply unbearable.

He knew that no one could find out how his heart ached for last few hours. His friendship with Merlin had always been different than the others. However now it seemed more precious than ever before. Arthur couldn't stop thinking about the way Merlin made him feel whole. Any other men or women made him so happy. Even Guinevere in the time of their sweet and innocent relationship had never had such an effect on him. Merlin just had the special place in Arthur's heart and the king didn't try to deny it any more. It was beautiful, even though he couldn't share it with anybody.

Then the door of his chamber opened and Morgana went inside. She looked very serious. Her face was paler than usual because she didn't sleep too.

Arthur's heart skipped a beat. He watched Morgana very intently waiting for news.

Their eyes met. Uncertainty started to kill Arthur. He needed to hear the truth as well as he needed to breathe.

Then the woman closed her eyes taking a deep breath. "He'll be fine..." she finally said weakly.

"Good Lord..." Arthur whispered sitting on the nearest chair. He buried his face in his hands and let a large relief filled his heart.

Morgana watched her king silently. She knew that he needed a while for himself. Recent events broke him and now he could finally start living again.

Arthur was the king but he was most of all a human. He was not supposed to cry but he had almost lost his second half. A few tears of joy couldn't be a reason to feel ashamed. Merlin, his dear friend, was alive and he was going to be fine. It was all what he was praying for.

The woman was about to leave the chamber when Arthur's sudden question stopped her.

"Why, Morgana? Why?"

The sorceress turned around to look at his face. She could see the relief that just filled him but there was also a fear in his eyes. Morgana understood in a second that Arthur thought that Merlin would try to do this again.

"Why did he do this?" the king asked. "There must be a reason... People don't kill themselves because of silly things." His eyes watched her very carefully and Morgana felt quite uncomfortable. "You should know something... Did you and Leon hurt him?" It sounded very much like accusation and the sorceress was aware of that.

"I've already told you that me and Merlin have never been together," she said as quietly as she could in such a situation. "I'm not lying, Arthur. We are just friends and I know for sure that Merlin doesn't love me in a romantic way."

"Then why did he try...?" Arthur jumped to his feet and moved towards Morgana. He looked directly into her eyes and saw nothing but frankness. "You know why he tried to do it, don't you?" he asked silently.

Morgana nodded slowly. She wasn't going to hide the truth any more. "Lady Miranda," she whispered finally.

Arthur wasn't able to hide his surprise. "Miranda? Merlin..." The king shook his head. "Does he love Miranda?" This possibility was killing him. He couldn't imagine these two together. It seemed to be worse than Merlin's romance with Morgana. Besides it meant that Arthur was partly a cause of his friend's suicide attempt.

Morgana was too shocked to explain him everything immediately. She started shaking her head but Arthur wasn't looking at her any more. "No..." she whispered eventually. "He's not in love with her. How could you even think that?"

The king looked at her again. "Then what the hell happened?"

Morgana sighed. "Miranda treated Merlin as a danger," she started explaining.

"What?" Arthur was bewildered. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"She was afraid of your friendship. She knew that you would always listen to Merlin's advice. She was aware of the bond that you share." Morgana looked down avoiding the eye contact. The next part was going to be worse.

"I still don't understand why Merlin wanted to kill himself." He finally called what the warlock was trying to do.

"Miranda is not a sweet princess, Arthur," Morgana said seriously. "You didn't see it but she's been a cruel person all along. She considered Merlin as a problem so she decided to get rid of him."

"How?" Arthur still couldn't found cruelty in Miranda. Even if she wasn't a nice person, he still couldn't understand how she made Merlin to kill himself. She barely knew him so it was impossible that she knew his greatest weaknesses. "Morgana."

"You see... Merlin..." She smiled sadly. "He... he loves you."

Arthur stepped back. It was too much to bear even for the king. He found his way to the bed and sat on the edge. He looked down at the floor and didn't want to see anything else. Words Merlin and love sounded wonderful but they didn't make sense.

"Arthur," Morgana said softly. Suddenly she was sitting by his side. "Please, look at me."

The king kept on watching the stone floor. It was easier than looking up to face the truth.

"Arthur... Why do you avoid my gaze? Why don't you want to talk to me?" She asked quietly.

"If it's true, then it's my fault," the man whispered. "My fault..."

"No!" Morgana lifted his chin up and made him look at her. "You need to listen! ! You're not to blame!"

"I am," Arthur said angrily.

"Merlin didn't try to end his life because of his feelings," she said quickly. "He accepted that you couldn't be more than friends. He valued your friendship. He was happy to stay by your side as your friend and advisor."

"Then why did he almost kill himself?" Arthur was trembling. He needed to hear the truth.

"Because Miranda stole you... She tried to break your friendship." Morgana took a deep breath. Explaining was a very difficult thing. "First, Miranda separated you two. Haven't you noticed how she occupied every minute of the time that you could spend with Merlin?"

Arthur hadn't noticed it before but now Morgana's words made him see the situation in a different light.

"But it wasn't enough for her," the woman continued. "Our red beauty decided to break Merlin completely. She's discovered his feelings very quickly and then started to destroy everything what he believed in. I've heard on my own as she called his feelings a dirty little secret and then suggested that she and you had a very good time."

Arthur gasped. It was hard to believe that Miranda could be so cruel. Merlin was everything what was pure, good and beautiful in this world. His feelings were selfless so they couldn't be dirty. "Keep going," the king said after a while of silence.

"Then she made him believe that you've never been friends." Morgana sighed. "I'm not sure how she did it but Merlin believed that you didn't like him for him but for his magic."

"That's not true!" Arthur denied. "I would never... Oh God..."

"I know, Arthur... But Merlin was in such a state... I believe that he thought that he wasn't worth anything." Morgana looked directly into Arthur's eyes. "It wasn't your fault," she said firmly. "Miranda was the one who made him suffer. Him and the whole Camelot."

Then the sorceress stood up. She wanted to give Arthur a time to think about it all in peace.

"Morgana?" the king called her.

She turned around but didn't walk up to him. "Since when have you known about Merlin's... feelings?" he asked shyly.

"Since the day Gwen left you for Lancelot," she answered candidly.

"He's loved me for so long?" Arthur couldn't believe.

"Probably longer." Morgana wanted to say that Arthur had loved Merlin for years too but she stopped herself. She knew that there were things that people need to realise on their own.

Then she left Arthur alone with his thoughts.

And what do you think? I hope that I'm not so cruel any more. :)