Author: LadyFromPoland

Disclaimer: I don't own "Merlin". It is a TV show which belongs to BBC.

Warning: SLASH

English is not my mother language.

I've written it in a week! ^^ I can't believe that. But I need to say that writing this chapter was a pleasure.


Dearest to his heart

Chapter 14

"Answers"

Morgana was waiting for Arthur in his chamber. She knew that he would come there before visiting Merlin. He needed to change his king's robes to casual clothes because for the warlock he wanted to be just Arthur.

"What are you doing here?" the man asked instead of greeting. "You were supposed to stay by Merlin's side. He can wake up any time."

"Well..." Morgana looked at her king seriously. "Actually he's already woken up."

Arthur's eyes shone with joy and something what was similar to relief. "Why haven't you said anything?" he finally spat it out. "You should have come to my meeting and tell me. I need to see him right now." Then he turned around and was about to leave his chamber.

"Arthur!" Morgana walked up to the man. "I'm sorry but you can't."

"I beg your pardon?" The king blinked a few times.

"You cannot see Merlin," she said sadly but firmly.

"What?" Arthur shook his head. "It's a joke, right? Tell me it's a stupid joke!"

The woman fell silent. She looked down because it was too painful to see his hurt eyes.

"Morgana!" The man raised his voice as if it could solve something.

"I'm sorry Arthur but everything what I said is true," Morgana said silently. "Merlin doesn't want to hear anything about you." She dared to look up at Arthur and saw a startled and anxious man. "Nicholas told me that he is shocked and that he needs more time. We can't make him feel uncomfortable." Morgana tried to comfort her friend but these efforts were hopeless.

The news made him feel dizzy so Arthur sat down in an armchair. He tried to believe that Morgana was lying but he knew that it was childish. Merlin didn't want to see him and even though it was painful, he had to respect it.

"Do you know why?" Arthur asked Morgana weakly after a while of utter silence. He really hoped that she would give him clear answers.

"It's not easy to understand," the sorceress admitted. "Nicholas said something about emotional calmness which he needs now. Merlin went through so many things recently and they always, in some way, involved you." She sighed. "Besides he's probably afraid," Morgana added softly. "He's aware of what he did or rather what he tried to do. Maybe he's just not ready to face you yet."

"Am I so horrifying?" Arthur asked seriously and it frightened Morgana a bit.

"Of course you're not," she assured him. "I know how much you care for him and how you waited for him to wake up." The woman smiled sadly. "You're not going to hurt Merlin but he can see it slightly different."

"How can I change that if I can't go to see him?" the blonde asked helplessly. "I have no chance to win."

"It's not a competition, Arthur," Morgana reminded him. "It's Merlin's life and never forget about it."

"How can I forget?" the king asked a bit too angrily. "He almost died in my arms. I see this image in my dreams and you can be sure that it's far from pleasure." Arthur didn't want to be sarcastic but it was stronger than him. Lack of Merlin's company made him bitterer and bitterer with every day.

"Then give him some time. He really needs it," Morgana said quietly. She tried to stay calm while Arthur was not able to. "I'm sure that soon you both will be talking and laughing as you used to."

"As we used to?" Arthur asked. "I'm not so naïve. I know that our lives will never be the same again."

Morgana knew that it was true. However she hoped that their lives would be better. They both deserved it.

oOoOo

Arthur didn't know what to do with himself. He couldn't focus on any work, thinking about Merlin all the time. The warlock was woken up for one day but Arthur didn't see him even for a few seconds. Nicholas had explained him very carefully why he had to avoid the boy. It was for Merlin's own good and even though Arthur didn't like the separation he would do much more for his friend's health.

Loneliness made him think about his own feelings over and over again. The situation was very complicated and Arthur didn't know what to do. There was a part of him which told him to let his feelings unfold. The urge sometimes seemed so easy. However after a moment of reflection he was starting to doubt again. He was the king and couldn't follow his heart every time he wanted.

Arthur knew one thing. He wouldn't keep his feelings towards Merlin a secret if they were together. He didn't want Merlin to feel ashamed. The warlock deserved everything what was best, not living in a secret. He had lived this way once and it was enough.

Then Arthur remembered that Merlin didn't even want to hear about him. The king was wondering about their future while there would be any. It really made him feel miserable.

Suddenly he felt an urge to kick something. This time he let himself do as he wanted and kicked the nearest chair.

Loneliness had at least one upside; no one saw him so he didn't have to behave like a ruler.

oOoOo

In meantime Morgana was spending time with Merlin who was bedridden. Despite reassurances that he was feeling quite well, the physician didn't let him leave the bed even for a few minutes.

"Nicholas is right," Morgana told him softly. "You need to regain more strength. It'll be better if you don't move too much for a few days.

Merlin sighed heavily. He knew that she and Nicholas were right. Besides staying in bed would help him in avoiding Arthur. He knew that one day he would have to face him but he didn't try to think about it now. The idea of looking into his eyes hurt too much.

The truth was that Merlin had no idea what had happened. He didn't let Morgana explain anything. They would talk about everything but the recent events and Arthur. The warlock didn't know that Miranda was no longer in Camelot. What was worse, he feared that the red haired beauty was now Arthur's wife.

Merlin was afraid of Arthur's questions that the king would ask for sure. He also didn't want to look at the man that he thought he'd lost.

"You should take a nap," Morgana advised the man. "It should help you."

"I don't want to sleep," Merlin murmured.

The woman sighed. "You're as stubborn as Arthur." Just then she realised what she said. "I'm sorry..."

The sorcerer didn't answer. He was glancing at his hands, suddenly finding them very interesting.

"It's childish," Morgana mumbled but Merlin heard it clearly.

"I want to stay alone," he told her icily.

She nodded and left the room silently. "Pig-headed," she said to herself in the corridor.

oOoOo

Two days later Merlin still didn't want to hear about Arthur. When someone by accident mentioned his name, the warlock asked them to leave him alone or he just fell silent for a longer while. This situation started slowly driving Arthur crazy. He was desperate to see his friend just for a minute. He wanted to make sure that he was fine and that all others didn't lie to him.

"I need to see him," he said to Morgana one evening during the dinner.

"I know," the woman said quietly and smiled at him sadly. "However you know that you can't. That's for Merlin's own good. You need to be more patient."

Arthur looked at her defiantly. "I'm not sure I can," he said a little bit too harshly. "I already don't know what to do. All what I can think about is Merlin. I can't sleep, I can't fulfil my duties... Even now I'm forcing myself to eat this damn dinner." The king looked away. He didn't plan to share such things with anybody.

Morgana didn't know how to answer for such declarations. She could just sit and watch silently the man in front of her who looked know like a lost child.

"I fear I'll go crazy," Arthur admitted after a few minutes. "It all is so hard. I wish I could sit by his side and talk with him. I want to check if his skin is warm and not cold like ice. I miss his babbling and even though I know that he needs time to become cheerful again, I'm willing to wait for it by his side."

The woman was truly touched. She was aware that Arthur was feeling all those things. However she never suspected that he would share them with her. "For now you want to just see him, right?" she asked abruptly.

"Yes," startled Arthur answered.

"We can go to him at night when he's sleeping," she told him. "You won't touch him or say something, okay? You'll just watch."

The man nodded quickly. He couldn't have everything but it was quite much.

oOoOo

Morgana was first who came into the room. When she was sure that Merlin was sleeping, she let Arthur in.

His eyes sought the bed. He came closer and heard Merlin's slow breathing. At first it seemed that nothing changed and that the warlock was still in a coma. However soon he discovered that Merlin's breath was slightly different.

Arthur sat on a chair as silently as he could and watch Merlin for a few minutes. Morgana noticed his loving gaze and trembling lips. He was truly touched.

The sorceress wished that Merlin could see that. Then he would understand that there was nothing to be afraid of. She sighed lightly. Men were made to make things difficult and complicated.

oOoOo

Two days had passed since Arthur's night trip to Merlin's quarter. He was glad that he had seen him but it started to be not enough for him. He wanted more and waited for some change in Merlin's behaviour. The sorcerer, however, was still as stubborn and withdrawn as at the beginning.

"I want to hear his voice," Arthur said, coming into Morgana's chambers.

The woman, of course, didn't need any explanation. She knew that he was talking about Merlin and that he really desired it. "He's not ready for confrontation," Morgana told him.

"I'm not asking about conversation," Arthur assured her.

"Then what do you expect?" she asked him.

The king smiled shyly. "I thought that you would go to talk to him and by accident you'd leave the door ajar. Then I would hear his voice."

"You want to overhear," Morgana concluded.

"It's not like that," Arthur assured her. "I just want to hear him. I don't care what you're going to talk about. Just his voice..."

Morgana smiled at him. "Okay, Arthur. I can do that."

The man couldn't help hugging her. In those hard times he fully understood what a wonderful woman she was.

oOoOo

Arthur stood in the corridor with closed eyes. He prayed for something but he didn't really know for what. Although hearing Merlin's voice wouldn't be enough for the king soon, he didn't care. Deep inside Arthur hoped that something unexpected would happen this day.

In meantime Morgana sat at the edge of Merlin's bed and smiled comfortingly at him. "How are you feeling?" she asked the dark haired man softly. Physically the warlock looked better but she knew that his psychical condition left much to be desired.

"I'm fine," Merlin lied. He didn't even try to sound convincing.

The woman stroked his hand. "I don't think so."

"What do you want?" the sorcerer asked harshly.

"I want you to talk to me," she said quietly. "It's not that much, isn't it?"

Merlin didn't answer. He remained silent for a long while and Arthur started fearing that his efforts were in vain. Merlin wasn't in mood and the king couldn't even blame him. The warlock didn't have an easy life.

"You keep on clamming up. You cannot live this way," Morgana warned him. "It's not real life."

"Maybe I don't seek real life," Merlin spat it out.

"What do you mean by it?" The sorceress tried to stay as calm as she could.

The dark haired man laughed nervously. "You want to hear why I don't want to see him," he said silently. Arthur's heart skipped a bit when he heard as Merlin started talking about him. "Everybody does. Leon tried... Lancelot... even Gwen... You don't ask me the question but I can feel it in the air. I can even see it in your eyes."

"We're all worried about you," Morgana told him. "Including Arthur. You can talk to everybody but him. Believe me that it makes him suffer. Do you want Arthur to suffer?"

The blonde was all ears. Every cell of his body was waiting for Merlin's answer.

"No," the warlock whispered. "Of course not."

"Then why do you avoid him?" the woman asked softly. "I know that deep inside you want to see him too."

"Because that's better." Merlin's voice was trembling.

"For who?" Morgana wanted to look at his face intently but he turned away from her.

"For him," the warlock answered after a while.

"Why do you think so?" She didn't know if her questions could help but she kept asking them anyway. It could be the only chance in a long time to hear some helpful answers.

"Can't you see it?" Suddenly Merlin raised his voice. "Can't you see who I am? I'm a monster! I don't want him to look at me and realise it..." He shook his head. "That's better. I'll go away. In Camelot there's no place for such people... such monsters as me."

Arthur was too shocked to do something at first. He could not believe that Merlin considered himself a monster. It was simply preposterous.

He couldn't stay behind the door any longer and pretend that he didn't hear anything. He walked into the room knowing that it wasn't selfish. Merlin needed him and he needed Merlin. It was mutual.

The dark haired man was sobbing in the bed and it was one of the saddest thing that Arthur had ever seen. "Stop... Stop saying that!" In a few seconds he was by his friend's side. He wasn't noticing Morgana. In that moment Merlin was his whole world.

"Arthur... I..." The warlock wanted to push him away but he was too weak and too fidgety.

"You're not a monster," Arthur assured him before he could repeated the ridiculous phrase. "You're not," he whispered time after time, caressing Merlin's face. "And even if you are, I'm one too."

The warlock dared to look at his love. He feared to see a glint of mockery in Arthur's eyes but all what he saw there was kindness and emotion.

Morgana felt that everything was going to be all right so she left the room, giving them chance to talk. They had lots of things to explain. On the contrary explaining could wait a while. Nevertheless the boys needed some time in private.

"Merlin," Arthur whispered, resting their foreheads against each other. "I thought I lost you and it... it was madness. I..." He wanted to kiss him but Merlin moved away slightly.

"Stop," the warlock said pleadingly. Arthur's closeness felt wonderful but he knew that it couldn't last. He thought that he had already lost his king.

"You don't want it?" the blonde asked in disbelief. "I thought... Morgana told me..."

"I do," Merlin whispered weakly. "But I don't want a false hope."

"There's no false hope. I lo..." The warlock put his palm against Arthur's mouth.

"Please, don't say it." Merlin was dying to hear these words but he could not let himself. "It can never be. Your wife..."

"I don't have a wife!" The king cried. "I know that Miranda was the one who did it to you... to us... Do you really think I would marry her after this all?" He sighed. "Was it all about this? You didn't want to see me because of her? She... she's not in Camelot any longer. You'll never see her again."

Merlin didn't know what to say. He couldn't believe that Arthur did it for him and that he wanted the same things.

"Don't look at me like a frightened child," Arthur asked him. "I won't hurt you. Not any more."

"I know," Merlin whispered and smiled shyly at the other man.

Their lips found the way to each other and finally met. It was a sweet and chaste kiss but it was in the same time the most wonderful thing that they both ever experienced. None of them was willing to let go. It was clear that they had been waiting for this moment way too long.

Finally, right? ^^ I need to tell you that one chapter is yet to come.

Please, review!