Hey guys! I'm backkkk! I know, I'm shocking the pants off of so many people right now.
This one is a shorty, but I had to cut it where I did so that the next chapter could pick up where I needed it to. I hope you like it. As usual, I appreciate reviews, mostly because I need to criticism. Someone criticize me! Thanks to everyone who's loyal to the story; that includes those who review and those who don't. I'm glad you're sticking around!
Quote of the Update:
"I don't believe in accidents. There are only encounters in history. There are no accidents." - Pablo Picasso
What I Own: Some pieces of art currently in production (ack)
What I Don't: Twilight, anything created by SM... as per usual. :(
We walked downstairs and into Jaidee's conference room. It was small, with extra thick walls and a large, locking door. I wasn't sure if it was completely sound proof, or completely impenetrable for that matter, but we weren't in immediate danger, so I wasn't too concerned.
We all walked in and shut the door behind us, not speaking until I had pulled out my device scanner and scanned the room quickly. Once we were sure that the room was clean, we all sat down in the small arm chairs that were peppered around the room.
"So, I don't know what level of knowledge you have about this man," I said, looking between Jaidee and Hainad, "but we are looking for a man named James Conklin. We need to get in touch with him any way that we can."
Jaidee and Hainad knew that I couldn't give them the details of the mission; they knew that I could only tell them a few things, the things that I thought that they could help give me information on. That was part of the relationship between the spy and the international agent: the agent had to be wiling to accept the fact that they weren't always going to know what exactly was going on; they just had to trust that they were doing what was best.
"He's made a few deals with a few of the weapons dealers in Thailand recently." Hainad said, "We've been tracking the dealers for the past few months because we are trying to figure out why our sales have started to sink."
This peeked my interest; why would James be buying weapons? In Thailand? This country wasn't one that was completely oblivious, and the chance that he would be caught up in a legal battle regarding a sale from a weapons dealer was exponentially greater.
I wondered what he was buying…
"I've only ever seen his papers; he's living here now, so he had to file a living visa, of a sort. It's like what you have in the US, except less… sophisticated." Jaidee laughed. She had to deal with all the crap like that in the Thai government, and most of the time, she was less than amused. But I was grateful for her; her location within the government helped us a lot.
"Where's he staying?" Edward asked, looking at Jaidee. "He's not too far away from Sukhumvit Road, actually." Jaidee said.
Sukhumvit Road was one of the central commercial roads in Bangkok. It wasn't surprising that he was there, but then again… it was quite expensive to live there.
"Well, Edward and I need to get back; we have a long day tomorrow. But if I could ask a favor of both of you?" I asked, looking between them. Jaidee and Hainad nodded, looking at me as though I was crazy. "Could you keep an eye out for James? Listen for his name; see who's talking about him. Don't bring him up and don't talk about him to anyone; but if you hear someone talking about him, contact me as soon as you get home." I said.
They both agreed, as I knew they would, and we walked up the stairs and out of the house, standing on the front porch. "Thank you so much for having us," I said, smiling at Jaidee and Hainad, "I'm sure I'll see you more while I'm here." I smiled warmly at them, wrapping Jaidee in a hug, kissing both her cheeks, before repeating the process with Hainad.
"Again, thanks for having us in your home." Edward said. He wrapped Jaidee in a hug, kissing her cheeks, "The food was delicious, thank you." He said, smiling down at her. He reached out and shook Hainad's hand, clapping his back with his free hand. "Great getting to know you," Edward said, smiling, "even though you have a vendetta against Truro." Both men laughed before separating, then Edward walked back over to me and wrapped his arm around my waist.
It felt like home, there.
We said our final goodbyes, and Edward and I walked slowly over to the car. "You want to drive?" I asked, looking up at him. Edward's face broke into a huge smile, "Of course!" he said, his voice sounding more like that of an excited teenager than of the man that I'd come to know. I chuckled, and handed him the keys, and I could tell that he was fighting the urge to go sprinting off to the car.
Like the gentleman he was, Edward helped me into the car before walking back around and getting in the drivers seat. He clicked on the GPS, which he kept low in the car, and began driving us home.
We didn't speak on the ride home, so I had plenty of time to figure out where my head was.
We still had a few conversations that we needed to have… like his penchant for STD testing, and my tattoo. But first… I needed to figure out where I was with him.
I was falling for him. I knew it. Whenever he was near me, my heart beat… faster and slower at the same time. As cliché as that is. He made me want to jump him every single second he was near, constantly putting me on edge. But he also made me feel at home. When he was around, I felt safe, like nothing could go wrong… I felt like I was invincible.
And maybe that's how you're supposed to feel. I don't know I've never been in love. I've never even been falling in love.
When I think back on my very broken track record, I don't see how I'm even remotely emotionally ready to deal with something like this. I've already considered having to give him up for my job.
But what if it actually came down to that? What if I was actually forced to choose? Would I? I wouldn't want to choose… but would I actually choose? And would I choose my work? I like to think that I would, because I have never been the type to sacrifice my work for some man. But as my relationship with Edward progressed, I started to think that I would pick him.
I was starting to think that I couldn't imagine my life without him. That I wouldn't be able to go on without him in my life. It wasn't that I didn't want to think this way… not at all. This kind of thinking was just something that was completely new to me. I wasn't used to being dependent on someone.
But maybe that's what this whole thing was about… learning to give your heart to someone, learning to trust him with it. Maybe I just needed to do what I had been thinking I was going to do all along. Maybe I just needed to jump in.
That's when I finally decided it.
I was going to give my heart to Edward Cullen.
No more doubting myself, no more doubting what we had. What we had felt real; hell, it was real, so why should I sit around and think that it was eventually going to end? It didn't make any sense, now that I was sitting here thinking about it. To think that the relationship between us was eventually going to end before I even gave it a real chance?
Where the hell was my head? What the hell was I thinking?
I watched as Edward smoothly navigated the car along the path that the GPS was quietly calling out. I took note of the way that his hand gripped the leather of the wheel, firmly, but gently at the same time, while his other hand rested gently in the gearshift. I couldn't help but stare at him, totally gripped by the beauty of him.
He must have felt me staring, because he turned his head for a moment, our eyes locking. He smiled warmly at me, before reaching his hand over to hold mine, before returning his eyes to the road.
I had never felt more complete.
I had never held a man's hand before and felt like this was where I belonged.
I had never wanted to hold a man's hand every single day… I never felt like this was enough. But with Edward, I felt like I could hold his hand… and that would simply be enough. I didn't want it to be enough, of course, because I loved the sex. But this was all I needed from him. Just a soft, simple reminder that he was here, and that he was thinking about me.
And that's when I knew that my heart was totally in this thing with Edward Cullen. My head was another beast entirely… and I knew that its decision would be dependent on the conversation about my tattoo.
Which we definitely needed to have tonight.
It wasn't a huge, life altering conversation. I wasn't hiding things from him or anything like that. But I have a feeling that he might want to know why I had the words "I pray you do not fall in love with me. For I am falser than vows made in wine." tattooed on my hip.
My head should be in tune with my heart, and I knew that. But it was so hard to really settle my thoughts and just let this thing with Edward happen. I'm a spy for a living; my job is to second-guess the things that people tell me and try and find out who they really are. My job tells me that I am not supposed to trust people. My job tells me that I am supposed to manipulate people to get what I want out of every single situation.
Not exactly conducive of a relationship, if you asked me.
But I knew that I needed to give this thing with Edward a real shot. I would never forgive myself if I just dicked around and lost the best thing that ever happened to me.
And I was starting to think that Edward actually was the best thing that ever happened to me.
We arrived at the hotel some time later, and after Edward helped me out of the car, I grasped his hand in mine. "When I said I wanted to give this a shot," I said, "I was serious. But you need to give me time. I've never done this before. Ever. I… I don't know what to do." I said, looking up at him bashfully.
Edward smiled down at me, pulled me into his side, and kissed my head. "I would go to the ends of the Earth for you Bella; wait until the end of time. Don't worry about me. You figure out what's going on in your head. Because I know that your heart is in the right place."
Yep, I could definitely fall in love with this man.
We chatted about our meal on our way over to the elevator, chuckling about how nervous Edward had actually been at the start of the night. "I had no idea what he was going to think of me, but from the way that Jaidee talked about your relationship with them, I figured that he was going to be protective of you. I was freaking nervous, Bella." I laughed at him; the idea of Hainad actually doing anything to Edward was absolutely laughable.
He was like a teddy bear.
"So," I said, as we walked off the elevator and into our room, "we have two more discussions that I feel like we need to have before my head gets in the right place." I said, trying to swallow my nerves and man-up already. "Oh?" Edward said, looking at me. "And what would those be?" He squeezed my hand, sensing that these conversations were going to be crucial as to how "head-in" I was going to be able to get with this relationship.
And I really, really wanted to jump in already.
"My tattoo," I started, looking at him nervously. Edward 'ahh'ed in recognition, before motioning that I should continue, "Well, uhm, and your penchant for STD testing…" Edward laughed then, but placed a kiss on my cheek, and walked us into the living room, plopping down on the couch.
I sat down next to him, looking at him nervously. "What do you want to talk about first?" I asked, my hands fidgeting in my lap. Edward reached over, stilling my moving hands before looking at me.
"Whatever you want, love." He answered.
"Okay… well… why do you get tested for STDs every two months?" I asked, the words blurting out of my mouth in the least attractive fashion they could have. Edward chuckled. "It's a requirement for MI6. I get a full set of blood work done every two months, so it just kind of happens. Plus, I give blood a lot, so I get tested then too. I don't actively seek out STD tests."
I chuckled then, feeling like an idiot. Even I got tested for some STDs frequently… at least, the ones that show up on blood work.
"Plus, I've never had sex without a condom… except with you." Edward said, blushing at the last part. I smiled at him, "Me either."
Now that we had that out of the way, I felt a lot better talking to him about this last part. It was going to be interesting… seeing what he had to say about this one.
"So… the tattoo. You've seen it. You actually mentioned it the first time we had sex." I blushed, looking away from him.
Edward chuckled, his laughter forcing me to look at him, "I remember." Despite the giggly tone I had expected, his voice was gruff, his eyes blazing with a sexual fire I knew I was going to have to ignore if I wanted to finish this conversation.
"Anyway," I said, over emphasizing the word with a laugh, "I wanted to have that "talk about our pasts" talk… it pretty much covers the basis for the tattoo." I said, looking shyly in his direction.
Edward smiled at me. "I can give you my past right now. I dated a girl named Charlotte for a few months back in secondary school, a girl named Jane during university, a woman named Aliza during my medical school training/spy training… well, she thought I was just a medical student, but little did she know…" Edward wagged his eyebrows at me and I laughed. "And I've never been one for casual sex, but I have slept with two of my targets. I was fully protected both times, and it hasn't happened since. So, there you go."
Mine actually wasn't much more complicated. But it seemed that mine, as usual, drug with it the awkward, awful feelings that women usually experience.
"Mine is much the same actually." I said, at least relieved that we were working from a similar playing field. "My last 'serious boyfriend', if you can even call him that, Max, found out that I was cheating on him… it sounds bad, but really, I was sleeping with a target." Edward's jaw clenched.
"Is this a habit of yours?" he asked, looking at me seriously. "Sleeping with targets while in a relationship?" "No." I answered, looking him straight in the eye "I've slept with a few targets, but when I'm in relationships, I usually don't. Max was the only exception. I was getting ready to break up with Max anyway." Edward looked at me for a few seconds still feeling unsure.
"I would never do that to you. I'm going to ask that things that would require such actions be given to the younger, single agents. I'm serious about this with us, Edward. I… I don't want to mess it up." I don't know if that appeased him, but he seemed better with the situation.
"That's great. Because, Bella… I don't take that lightly. This would be over the second I saw or heard anything like that happened. No matter what I feel for you." He said. He was entirely serious. "I understand. And the same stands for me, despite what I did to Max. I'm not making excuses for what I did, because I know it was wrong. I just know that I did what I did because I didn't want to be in a relationship with him anyway. Though, I can never see myself getting to that point with you." I blushed at the last part, and Edward smiled at me. He reached over a grabbed my hand, brushing a kiss across my knuckles.
"So… now I have to tell you the history behind the tattoo. Mostly because it's all about my dating history." I looked at him nervously, but Edward just grinned wickedly at me.
"Can you show me what it says again?" He said, smiling at me. I chuckled, but lifted up the side of my sarong, showing him the words etched into my skin.
"I got it tattooed after I broke up with my boyfriend Peter. We had just started dating before I went off to spy training, and I could barely talk to him. I wasn't that serious about Peter anyway, but he assumed the worst things about me. He thought I was married, thought I had kids, thought I was hiding some whole other life from him. I was hiding, but it was my spy life. Nothing outrageous like he thought." I sighed, running my fingers over the tattoo over my dress. "I broke up with him and got the ink done the next day. I didn't want to feel like I was automatically lying to every guy I dated, even though I was. I wanted to feel like I was at least giving them a warning."
Edward looked at me, obviously able to recognize where I was coming from.
"I hated not being able to tell people that I was interested in what I did for a living. It hurt me to think that I was lying to them right out of the gate. I think the reason that I was able to do things like have sex with targets while in a relationship was mostly due to the fact that I was so emotionally removed from any relationship I'd been in." I sighed, looking down at the ground. I needed to let him know that I was in this…
"But with you… this whole thing feels different. I'm able to tell you who I am. You KNOW who I am. You know things about me that I've never told anyone. And I'm okay with that. I love that. I want to tell you everything, because I want you to know exactly who I am. Half of me is scared that once you know everything about me, you'll run away, but the other half is willing to take that chance. I… I'm in this with you. Head, heart, and soul, Edward. I'm here. As long as you want me." I looked at him, watching him sit silently on the couch, just staring at me.
Suddenly, he was speaking. "You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that." He said, springing himself on me.
I laughed out loud; the sound was tinkling and happy, a reflection of how I was really feeling. Edward continued to lie on top of me as he whispered,
"Take bread away from me, if you wish,
take air away, but
do not take from me your laughter.
Do not take away the rose,
the lance flower that you pluck,
the water that suddenly
bursts forth in joy,
the sudden wave
of silver born in you.
My struggle is harsh and I come back
with eyes tired
at times from having seen
the unchanging earth,
but when your laughter enters
it rises to the sky seeking me
and it opens for me all
the doors of life.
My love, in the darkest
hour your laughter
opens, and if suddenly
you see my blood staining
the stones of the street,
laugh, because your laughter
will be for my hands
like a fresh sword.
Next to the sea in the autumn,
your laughter must raise
its foamy cascade,
and in the spring, love,
I want your laughter like
the flower I was waiting for,
the blue flower, the rose
of my echoing country.
Laugh at the night,
at the day, at the moon,
laugh at the twisted
streets of the island,
laugh at this clumsy
boy who loves you,
but when I open
my eyes and close them,
when my steps go,
when my steps return,
deny me bread, air,
light, spring,
but never your laughter
for I would die."
"Pablo Neruda." I whispered, looking up at him. Edward just nodded, smiling down at me.
Suddenly, my body was on fire.
I reached up, grabbing Edward's face between my hands and pulled his mouth down to mine. Even though this kiss was filled with the same kind of fiery passion that I was used to between us, there was something else there… something deeper that I wasn't used to.
It was something that was telling me that this was right, absolutely right. That I belonged in these arms, and no other. That, as long I was here, with Edward, I would be happy every day for the rest of my life.
I was in love with Edward.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT, I was in love with Edward.
I wanted to scream it from the roof tops, I wanted to write a letter to every person I'd ever met, I wanted to advertise all over every city in the world.
But mostly, I wanted to continue to lay here, Edward's body pressing into mine, his mouth hot on mine, our hips grinding together like a pair of horny teenagers.
I also wanted to tell him. I didn't know if I should… I didn't know the protocol on this sort of thing. Was I supposed to wait until he said it first? Should I wait three weeks and then tell him? Should I just fucking say it already?
I hate that I've never done this before. I have no effing –
"Bella," Edward said, suddenly breaking the kiss and pressing his forehead to mine. "Bella, I know it's way too soon to be telling you this, but I'm in love with you. Bella, I love you."
I froze underneath him.
I felt my heart explode inside my chest, all my worries completely disappearing from my head, my heart soaring somewhere into the clouds. I was getting dizzy, drunk off of his love, my love… our love.
"Edward, I love you too." I said, smiling a smile so wide at him I thought my cheeks were going to tear.
Edward smiled the most gorgeous smile at me, before jumping up off of me and picking me up in his arms.
I immediately wrapped my arms around his neck, my legs against his waist, kissing him as though every molecule in my body depended on it.
Edward walked us into the bedroom, where he slowly detangled my legs from his body, spinning me in his arms so that he was holding me bridal style. He set me down in the middle of the bed, taking a step back to admire me lying there against the stark white comforter.
I smiled up at him, my heart wanting to burst from the amount of love I saw on Edward's features. He knelt at the end of the bed, taking my sandals off one at a time, kissing each ankle gently before tossing the sandals to the floor. He kissed my ankles all the way around, trailing kisses up my shins and my knees, before bending my right leg, kissing my calf, and the back of my knee, repeating the process on my left leg.
Edward was going to make love to me.
He reached out for my hands, pulling me up into a sitting position, before pulling me up off the bed. As I stood before him, watching him look at me with so much love in his eyes, I almost felt my body give in. Which would not have been cute at all.
Edward reached behind my neck, untying my sarong, letting the fabric fall down around us. He took a second to admire me, standing there in my underwear in front of him, before he moved to remove my bra and panties.
And suddenly, I was standing there naked.
I should have been ashamed, I should have wanted to cover myself up. I was standing completely naked in front of Edward, my whole body on display for him. And yet, I couldn't find it in me to care.
The way his eyes trailed over the surfaces of my body excited me, rather than made me nervous. I found myself loving the way that his eye caressed my form, as opposed to trying to hide myself from his view, as I had so often done in the past. I wanted him to see me. I wanted to be seen.
I reached out for his belt, undoing the buckle swiftly, before pulling the belt from the loops, the snapping sound of the belt echoing in the air. I managed to get his pants unbuttoned and removed before I decided to reach up and unbutton his shirt.
I pushed the shirt off of his shoulders, running my fingers down his chest, reveling in the way his muscles contracted at my touch.
I reached down, sliding his boxers down his legs, laughing quietly as he kicked them off his feet. "Oh ha ha, Bella." He said, smiling at me. He took my face in his hands, pulling my mouth to his, kissing me reverently. I smiled into the kiss, kissing him back, our tongues rolling around together in my mouth.
I loved this new kind of sex. It was calm, relaxed, and perfectly us. I got the chance to experience him, without feeling like I had to perform. Our happiness, our love came through in every moment, every movement, every kiss, and every touch. I had never had sex like this.
I guess this is why they call it 'making love'. I finally got it.
Slowly, Edward began walking me backwards, until I felt my knees hit the bed. He picked me up, breaking the kiss to place me on the bed, my head burying itself amongst the pillows. Edward walked around to the end of the bed, climbing up, his body moving towards mine in the most feline of ways.
I laughed as he picked up my ankle, kissing the sensitive sole of my foot. I covered my laugh with my hand, biting my lip as he kissed my other foot in the same manner.
He slowly kissed his way up my entire body, smiling when his kisses made me laugh, as he trailed his lips over particularly sensitive skin. Finally, his mouth was at my ear, and he whispered, "I say I Love You, like all the words could choke me, if they don't come out." I loved his haikus.
The rest moved along in a flurry of whispered love, quiet laughs, soft moans, and begging words, our bodies moving together towards ecstasy.
When we finally collapsed together, sometime around midnight, we were spent, but deliriously happy.
Edward crawled under the blankets, pulling me with him. I snuggled up against his chest, smiling as Edward held me there, as though he was afraid I was going to try and escape sometime during the night.
Didn't he know? I was completely besotted with him. I wasn't going anywhere unless he made me.
It was a little scary to think that I had fallen so hard, fallen so quickly.
But when I thought about it… really thought about it… pushing it off would have been unnatural, uncomfortable, and unwanted. I knew where I needed to rest my head every night. I knew whom I needed to be with. I didn't see the sense in denying myself that desire any longer. You only live for so long, and in my line of work, you could die any day.
Hell, I could go out with Edward tomorrow, find James, think everything went great, and end up getting shot. I could get run over by a car because someone tipped off some foreign enemies that I was in the country. I could get blown up…
The point is, anything could happen.
So as I snuggled up into Edward, trying to get as much of my skin to be in contact with as much of his as I could before allowing myself to fall asleep, I knew that I'd made the right decision.
Especially when Edward leaned down, placed his lips on mine one last time and whispered, "I love you, Bright Eyes." before closing his large emerald eyes and falling asleep.
I smiled against the skin of his neck and whispered, "I love you too, Edward." before closing my eyes and allowing myself the same luxury.
So what do you guys think?
Question for the review: Have you had your first 'I love you'? What was it like?
I haven't had mine. And I'm okay with that.