Chapter 17

Clark walked slowly into the barn. "Hey."

Tess jumped at his sudden presence. "Is he still asleep?" Jonathan had cried himself to sleep after his ordeal. Clark had left to put him to bed and Tess started cleaning up the mess they'd made in the barn.

Clark nodded, keeping his distance. He could see the tension in her shoulders and didn't want to add to it. "You don't have to do that you know. I can clean up later."

Tess shrugged. "It's fine. It has to be done."

"Later. We need to talk."

"It's fine Clark. Nothing happened." Tess knelt and started picking up the tools that had fallen down during their 'celebration'. "You were on red k; you get a pass on this one."

Clark knelt opposite her. "If I get a pass, why are you acting so scared?"

"I'm not scared." Tess shook her head, "Why would you think that?"

"Because you haven't looked me in the eye since it happened."

Tess looked eyes with him. "Happy now?" She got up and put the tools back on the table.

"Not really. Look, Tess I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." Clark apologised. "I sure as hell didn't mean to propose to you."

"Because the idea of marrying me is so repulsive isn't it." Tess muttered under her breath, forgetting he could hear her.

"Tess… I didn't mean it like that." Clark got to his feet and walked towards her. "I meant I shouldn't have been so forward. I basically ambushed you."

"Clark, you weren't yourself. It's fine." She turned her back to him, fiddling with the tools. "We've all been taken over, turned into zombies or something equally science fiction at least one."

"Would you stop saying it's fine?" Clark exploded, making her jump again. "Sorry," he added more softly. "It's not fine. What I did wasn't some zombie taking over me. It was me."

"So you do what to marry me?" Tess turned on him, eyes curious. "Or were you just trying to get into my pants?"

"No!"

"So you weren't yourself then. So everything is fine. And nothing happened." She pushed past him. "If you'll excuse me…"

He grabbed her arm, stopping her from leaving. "Stop trying to give me an out. Something did happen."

She peeled his hand off her arm. "Nothing. Happened." She started walking back to the house.

"I like you Tess." Clark after her. "I think I might even love you."

She froze. "You don't mean that."

He walked slowly in front of her. "I do. It's what I've been trying to tell you. Red k doesn't make me act like a horny teenager. It takes away my inhibitions, makes me act on my hearts desires."

"So you do want to marry me." Tess said, watching his face carefully for a sign.

"No." Clark said quickly. She started walking again. "Yes. Maybe. I don't know. I think I love you."

"That's just the red k talking."

"It's not. Tess, why do you keep running away from me?" Clark followed her into the kitchen.

"I'm not running away. I have things to do." She got a pan from the cupboard. "Someone's has to cook dinner."

Clark took the pan out of her hands. "And we have to talk."

Tess turned and got another pan out of the cupboard, studiously ignoring him.

Clark took that pan out of her hands too. "Are you we going to go through every kitchen utensil before you give up and talk to me." Tess turned and grabbed the wok from the cupboard, still ignoring him. "And I'd forgotten that you don't give up." Clark sighed. "Ok, fine I'll talk. I get that you're scared. I heard what you said before. You don't want to lose Jonathan. I understand that. I really do. But you have to live your life too."

"So what, I should live it with you?" Tess retorted somewhat harshly. "I never said I loved you. A bit presumptuous, don't you think."

"The cavalier act doesn't suit you Tess. I saw it in your eyes this morning. Maybe not love, but you care. More than you think you should. I didn't see it before but I do now. " He tipped up her chin, looked her in the eyes. " You have that look right now."

"Maybe that red k messed with your head more than you thought. I'll go call Emil." She reached for the telephone but Clark beat her to it, holding it out of her reach. "Give me the phone Clark." She held out her hand, glaring at him.

"Don't until you tell me why you won't admit it. Tell me why you're so scared!"

"Because everyone who has ever said they loved me was lying, leaving or dying!" She screamed at him. "And I can't do it anymore. I can't pretend that I'm not broken because of it. I can't pretend that I'll be ok if something happens to you or if we don't work out and you take Jonathan away, I'll be nothing."

"You're scared of me?" Clark asked disbelief in his voice. "You're scared that I'll leave you if I learn all your secrets and then I'll take Jonathan away."

She nodded. "Yes." Her voice shook a little.

"I will never take Jonathan away from you. You have to know that." Clark said sincerely. "I couldn't do that to you. Or to Jonathan. You're the closet thing to a mother he's got."

"People survive just fine without mothers Clark." Tess looked up at him, tears in her eyes.

"Jonathan won't. His second word was Essa! You beat me! Doesn't that count for something?" Clark implored.

"That counts for everything." Tess was crying in earnest now. "That's why I can't do this."

"Tess…" Clark didn't know what to say. "I …. Understand." He said finally.

Tess looked shocked. "Thank you." She'd been expecting him to fight her.

"I'm sorry for pushing you." Clark apologised softly. "I've been fighting the feelings too. I kept telling myself that you were just a friend. But I was wrong. The lines have been blurred so much between us that we can't even define what we are. All I know is that you make me feel whole. So I'll wait. I'll do anything to convince you that this –us- could last forever."

"Clark… time is hardly going to change my mind." Tess said slowly. "I can't do it. I can't risk it. I've had nothing to many times to go back to it. I would rather die than go back to what I was."

Clark was surprised by the conviction with which she spoke. "You don't mean that."

"I do." She nodded. "And you don't understand that. You will never understand that. You've never had nobody. Even when your father died you had your mother. When Lana left, you had Chloe. When Chloe left you had Lois. When Lois died, you have Jonathan. You have never been alone Clark. No matter what you think. You've never been that alone. It's horrible and it's terrifying and so lonely." She looked at him. "I will never go back to that. I'll take the happiness that being with you and Jonathan gives me but don't ask me to risk it for more. I can't."

He didn't know what to say. Clark turned as he heard footsteps on the stairs. He turned to see Jonathan standing there, rubbing his eyes with a fist. "Hey buddy, feeling better?"

Jonathan tiredly walked down the stairs as Tess wiped her eyes. "Essa sad?"

"Essa's just happy that you're ok." She smiled at him. "Now what do you want for dinner? You choose."

"Essa's pise." Jonathan frowned, remembering Tess' birthday. "Essa oose."

Clark ran a hand through his hair. "I forgot I made reservations at La Vie En Rouge."

"The restaurant in Metropolis?"

"Paris."

Tess blinked, realising that Clark had booked them a table in a romantic French restaurant t in the city of light. Wow. He meant business.

Clark caught her deer in the headlights expression. "It wasn't supposed to be a date. Oliver said it was your favourite."

"Oliver's going to learn to keep his mouth shut." Tess said darkly. Knowing the blonde billionaire, he'd been trying to set them up.

Clark checked the clock on the wall. "We just missed it. Sorry."

"It's ok. Probably better this way." Tess smiled tightly. "What do you want instead?"

"It's your birthday. You choose."

"Pizza!" Jonathan crowed, butting in.

Tess smiled, thankful for the save. "Pizza it is then. Clark, why don't you go and get them and I'll set the table." She moved to the cutlery drawer, her back turned before he could reply.

"Ok." Even Clark could see that blatant dismissal. "Same as always?"

"Yes." She nodded, not looking at him.

Clark zoomed out the door. She just needs some space, he thought.

He heard Jonathan ask, "Essa kay?"

Tess sighed. "Not really no." He heard her sit heavily on a chair. In his mind, he saw her put her head on the table.

"Mwa! Me iss Essa." He heard Jonathan sloppily kiss her on the cheek. "Essa kay now?"

"Yes Jonathan," He could hear the smile in her voice. "I'm okay now." Both Clark and Tess knew she was lying. Clark launched into the sky. Eavesdropping wouldn't help him. It was just his luck that he fell for another woman with commitment issues. You'd think I would've learnt by now.